Never ever

15. She doesn't know

It has been a strange week. After Jason got mad I expected him back after he had cooled down but he didn’t show himself the entire evening. I had apologized but I didn’t understand why he got so mad or even more importantly how had I know that he had gotten mad. He didn’t speak or more accurately since I didn’t hear him, he didn’t move anything around. Yet somehow I knew he had wanted to get away from me after my joke. I had said that it hadn’t worked but after he had left I didn’t know for sure. Maybe it didn’t have the desired effect but something was different. 

So on tuesday I kept expecting him everywhere. It was stranger after freaking out about feeling his presence at the first place, that now I was searching for it. But he was not there when I stood up. He was not there when I cleaned at his parents and he wasn’t there when I went to the square for some groceries. I even went to 13 moons to talk to Diana but she also wasn’t there. The woman who had sold me the candles was and she promised to give my message to Diana. Disappointed I went home finding Noah waiting for me. He made my day and I even forgot about Jason for a little while. But when I was cooking for us I heard something fall and shatter. For a moment I had thought Jason had gotten back and had started throwing things. As I came running in the living room Noah apologized for breaking his glass and I almost could not hide my disappointment. Don’t get me wrong I was delighted that Noah was there but I was so curious about jason. About this great mystery in my life. You know how you just can’t wait to read the next chapter of a incredible book that had sucked you into the storyline. That was how I was feeling when I thought about Jason. 

Wednesday and thursday were a total nightmare, I had both worked at the greens as at the restaurant so there was no time for Noah to distract me from that missing piece in my life. I so longed to speak to Jason, it was getting unbearable. It dawned on me that he could be doing this on purpose to show me how he was feeling. This however made me mad, at him and myself. 

It was friday now and almost at the end of my lunch shift. I was crabby but had put my best inviting face on for the customers. Nothing went past Rachel of course, so when she came in for the afternoon shift she immediately asked what was wrong. I could not tell her what was going on with jason so I lied. Or at least replaced it with a small concern of mine. 

“It is just getting to me, the big 2 5 and of course the party. Can’t you tell me anything? Where is it? What are we going to do? Who is coming? Wait, is dad coming?” I asked her, rambling on.

“Well that is something I can tell you,“ she says smiling putting an arm around me to comfort me, “Your dad is not coming to the party but he is coming to see you. We made a compromise. I get to throw you a party on saturday without him and he will get to spent sunday with you without any interference from me.” It was almost laughable how they acted like divorced parents.  

“So you spoke to him?” I asked her raising an eyebrow and she laughed at that.

“NO, we are still communicating through email.” she says as she guided me to the locker room. 

“What did you tell him? Does he know about the apartment, my new work or about Noah?” I sat down on one of the benches as she changed while I questioned her. 

“Yes, yes and no. That one is up to you,” she says holding something behind her back. I almost didn’t notices thinking if I should to tell my dad about Noah. It may not feel like it but we just started dating and everything was still so new. 

“So I already have your present for you,” she said holding up a silvery bag from Robins, a designer we both loved, “So you have something to wear to the party.”  

“Ow my god” I scream at her, jumping up and hugging her, “Can I open it?” She nodded.

Inside it was a blueish grey cocktail dress, the chiffon fabric would flow just above my knees. The body was asymmetrical and had a V shape neckline with lace straps. The lace on the back looked like a field of clovers.  

“Oh Rachel, I love it” I said without taking my eyes of it. 

“I’m glad, I hope it fits perfectly. Now go home and be ready at 8 p.m. tomorrow” she says.

“So I don’t have to work tomorrow” I said grinning at her, hoping she would slip up but she just laughed and walked out. I hope that was a no. 

I can’t wait to try the dress on but as I walk through the door I feel him. 

“Jason” I exclaimed and the sensation gets stronger as he walked to me. He is still mad at me but now I can match it with my own anger. 

“You can’t just walk out and don’t show up for the rest of the week!” I yell at him and his anger turns to confusion. I’m not sure how to proceed. Now that he is finally here I can be sure that something is different. It is not only his presence anymore, it’s his emotions as well. Their faint but I can distinguish the strong ones. I sigh, letting go of my anger. 

“It’s friday today” I tell him and I can feel he is shocked. He had no idea. I try to remember some of the things I read that we could try to communicate and settle on an interesting one. 

Grabbing a pen and a piece of paper I explain to Jason that I want to try automatic writing. The general idea is that he will control my hand so we can talk through pen and paper. I take a deep breath, clear my mind and start writing. Not real words but more doodles and lines. 

“Where were you, do you know?” I ask first then, “Can you feel the change as well?” 

I look down on the paper and see there are two scrabbels that look more like words but can’t make out what it says. 

“This is getting frustrated” I say out loud and there is a strange feeling coming from him. I takes me a second but then I realize he is laughing at me. 

“So you just have to listen while I’ll do the talking” I smile, feeling the laughter disappear.  

“Jason, I may not be able to see or hear you like we wanted to accomplish but the spell did do something. I can feel you more clear now and even your strong emotions.” I start explaining. “You were mad at me before and I understand now, It must be incredible frustrated to want to speak to me or anyone but can’t. I’m sorry for fooling you, I should not have done that.” He is surprised at first but then it is replaced by something I can’t make out at first. It is reliëf and acceptance I realize. That’s how we spent our evening, talking and then trying to make sense of his reaction. 

**Jason**

I was shocked to find out that a whole week had gone past. For me it felt like mere hours. I had wanted to clear my head and before I knew it I was in a very peaceful garden. It looked similar to that of my mothers but the feel of it was different. I wasn’t on the physical plane anymore. My thoughts were confirmed when a fox had come up to me, as I sat on a bench watching a frog swim across the pond for the 5th time. As the animal came closer, it changed into a girl. Not just a girl, some of her fox features like her ears and tails remained, making her appearance even more mystical.  

“Hello Jason, Are you finally ready to cross over?” she had asked her voice more inside my head than actually spoken out loud. 

“What do you mean, where am I and who are you?” I asked her confused.

“I’m Shino, I help those who are stuck to move further and as for where you are is hard to say, you may know it as bardo or limbus. There are so many names through the centuries.” she said moving her tails from one site to the other. There are seven of them I noticed. As I take in what she had said I realize I want to get back not further.

“No, i’m not ready yet. How do I get back” I said panicking and jumping up from the bench. She stays very calm, only her eyes show a shimmer of a flame. 

“Calm down, there is a door right over there” she said waving her hand and a small wooden door appeared. I went to it and when I looked back Shino had already left, only her tails were still visible as she disappeared through the fawns.  The door had let me to Maya’s apartment and there I waited for her, getting angry again, rethinking what had happened.  

Now I was staring at her as she was fast asleep. I was afraid to leave her. There was still to much unresolved. Like why was there so much attraction between us? Even sitting here across from her I can feel the invisible pull she has on me. She hasn’t said it but I know she feels it to. What would happen if I went to bardo again? Will Shino even let me leave this time? I didn’t want to find out before finding the reason for the connection between us. There had to be one and I was determined to find it. Maya had no idea and I had to be more careful now with my feelings. Luckily she only seemed to pick up on my outburst. It did help a little with the communication but I had to be overly dramatic with every emotion for her to notice. There had been one though, that I hadn’t needed to exaggerate. She had told me about her plans for her birthday and showed me the dress she had gotten from her aunt. It fit her perfectly and she looked amazing in it. Suddenly Maya began to sture in her bed, jerking me out of my reverie, she was softly moaning a pained look across her face. She was having a nightmare. 

“SSh, it’s okay you're dreaming” I say to her feeling somewhat stupid, since she can’t hear me.

“No” she gasped and I stroke her face with one hand, holding her hand in the other. Maybe I can calm her down by sending sereen thoughts. I take a deep breath and find my own tranquility. I close my eyes and when I open them again i’m not in her bedroom anymore. 

I’m at a lake house, standing on a porch looking out on a beautiful clear lake. The light blue skies seem a little to bright as small clouds float by. There is nothing I recognise but there are two figures sitting by the edge of the water. As I walk closer I recognise Maya but not the man holding her, his arm protectively around her.

“Daddy, I’m scared” she say her voice sounding so much younger yet her appearance is the same. He strokes her arm softy and looks down to her smiling softly.

“Don’t be honey, i’m here with you. But look how far you came to day, i’m so proud of you. Now let’s go back inside and have something to eat” her father says and together they stand and walk back to the house. A woman is standing on a porch waiting for them. As she hugs Maya she changes into a small girl, about 5 years old and a schim of the maya I know is standing next to them looking. She looks up towards me and there is a flash that blinds me. 

I’m still at the lake house but there is no one there. The skies aren’t bright anymore there dark and cloudy and it looks like rain might fall. The house looks broken-down, the white paint chips peeling off the wood. The door opened and Maya comes out, she’s on the phone.

“Mom, i’m at the lake house. Where are you? Please call me back. I miss you” She still doesn’t sound like herself. There is a level of maturity missing in it. She sound like a desolate teenanger. As she walks past me, without acknowledging me, I can see the tears forming in her eyes. There is a small rickety scaffold now where she and her father had been sitting before and she walks up to the edge. For a moment I think she is about to jump but then she sits down. The phone rings and she answers quickly.

“Mom?” she asks hopeful but I can hear it is a man’s voice on the other end.

“I’m at the lake house. Dad, she isn’t here” she says and than breaks down, tears flowing down her cheeks and great big sobs. In Between them she is agreeing with her father and than hangs up. She watches as her tears fall in the water, making ripples. She just sits there, sobbing. 

I follow the ripple and notice that it continues into the air, the trees, even the house is affected. 

“You are here” Maya suddenly says sounding like herself, there is nothing in there of the devastated feelings of the girl. 

“Where is here?” I ask and notice that we aren’t at the lake house any more. We are standing in a clearing, trees in every direction so far as I can see. 

“Don’t you know?” she asks looking confused at me, “You are in my subconscious. In my dream state. Now lets have some fun before I wake up” she grabs my hand and I expect her to go through it but she squeezes tight making a wave of warmth go through me. Before I can register or say anything she pulls me through the woods, trees flashing past me until she stops at a carnival. There are people everywhere but I can’t distinguish any faces.

“Come on, we will start slow” she says pulling me toward the ferris wheel. Even though there is a line we can get in right away. Slowly we are turning until we are sitting still at the top, our bin is swinging. 

“Maya, I don’t understand” I say to her and she looks at me disapproving, before sighing. 

“Well, I’m dreaming right now. This all,” she says pointing at the carnival and the forest around it, “is in my imagination. I don’t know how you are here but I’m happy that you are.”

“So what was that before? That felt different and you were not so free” I say choosing my words carefully. I was still trying to wrap my head around what was happening.

“You are right. Those were memories, we were reliving them by dreaming. There are various states of dreaming, the further you go the more I get controle.” she explained as we began turning again, “That is also why I can talk to you now, back there I can watch or relive them with her.” 

“Wait why are you talking like you two are different? You are both Maya right” I ask following her as she steps out and walks towards the food court. She is already eating cotton candy as I join her. I looked at her serious, I want to know this.

“Fine, It’s a little difficult to explain. She is Maya and i’m Maya, but i’m also Oona, Elisabeth, Anna louise and Victoria.” She says looking at me curious when pronouncing that last one. 

When I don’t react she continues with her explanation. “I’m the soul, her spirit, her intuition, her inner being sort of speak. I can influence her but i’m more of a passenger than the driver when she is awake. She still has a mind of her own and off course there are people who can access this part of there psyche but she isn’t one of them yet. When she is in a deep sleep like she is now, I get the controls and can do what I want. She becomes the passenger and if she remembers it’s just a dream to her.” She waits for me to say something but when I don’t she sighs again. She probably thinks i’m stupid but I understand, only what do you say to something like that. 

“Let me ask you this, do you know what reincarnation is?” she asks giving me a daring look and I nod, “Well let’s just say this isn’t my first rodeo, Alexander.” That name, there is something about that name but my mind can’t grasp it, It seems like it is just out of my reach. Maya looks amused on the other hand, smiling and putting another piece of cotton candy in her mouth. 

“So wait, do you mean i’m like you, a spirit?” I ask when the pieces of what she just said connect. She starts clapping, excited that I finally ask what she wanted. 

“Yes, you are the spirit, the soul of Jason but you are so much more. I don’t know why but you seem to be stuck. Unable to connect to all of you.” she says happily and then turns more serious again, “I wish I could tell you more but this is really something that you have to figure out by yourself. Maybe she can help you but for now it’s time for fun.”

I’m just gawking at her in unbelieve, I want to ask more but swallow my questions as I see the stern look on her face. Contempt with my silence she smiles again taking my hand, guiding me through the carnival. She is laughing as we go from attraction to attraction. It is pure bliss spending this time with her and I love her overjoyed expression. I’m even forgetting the bomb she just dropped and just savor being together. It feels so natural, I just don’t want to be apart from her. Our next ride is the rotor and she lets out a delighted scream when it’s begins rotate, pushing her against me. I wrap my arm around her protectively. She looks up at me and her gaze is so warm and loving I can’t look away. She comes even closer and i’m shocked when she kisses me. But before I can even kiss her back she is pulled away from me, flying through the air. I reached out towards her, wanting to go after her. A strange beeping sound echoing throughout the carnival ground. I look up towards her and there is no worrie on her face, she knows what is about to happen I realize. She is waking up.

“She doesn’t know” Maya yells at me. 

Who doesn’t know what? I wonder as I find myself back in her room. 

“Ugh good morning” Maya says her eyes still closed, unable to fully wake, “Please tell me you didn’t stand there all night?” 

Busted, I guess I did but what about her dream? My head is spinning with the information I was able to find out. How much does she remember. Would she think I invaded her privacy. I did go into her mind, seeing things she might not wanted me to see. A sudden guilt is flushing over me and she feels it. 

“You really need a hobby Jason, this is just creepy” she says sounding happy and hiding under the covers. Then suddenly she is jumping on her bed making me jump back looking shocked. 

“Today is my party” she is singing and let’s herself fall back laughing. The same feelings as the dream but not the knowledge and then the realization hits me like a ton of briggs. She is Maya, Maya doesn’t know. Now the question remains, what exactly doesn’t she know, that her subconscious does there seems to be all lot.