Selfish

March 2

Just woke up and feeling much less weepy. Getting a full night's sleep is doing wonders for my ability to cope.

Not that I won't still probably burst into tears at some point.

He told me that when they went out to the bar on Friday, before he'd started texting her, that she told him she liked him. I didn't think to ask what he said back but I woke up and can't get that thought out of my mind. I need to know what he told her. I doubt it was discouraging or that he turned her down. He kept telling me when we talked on Sunday after I found out that he should have just had s*x with her. Did they kiss?

9

He came home between clients and the new job. He thinks what he said to her isn't a huge deal. He said he didn't message her much yesterday and only talked about work things. I asked to see the messages and he showed me something from this morning but wouldn't scroll back and got angry. He doesn't know I looked through his phone again last night and already read them.

I'd know he was lying even if I hadn't with how cagey he was.

I think she turned him down because suddenly it's not a big deal if he becomes the gm of the gym she works at. Or he doesn't want me to rat them out.

He thinks I deserve what he did anyway, because he thinks I cheated on him. And because I had asked him for a divorce last year.

I didn't cheat on him but I was deceitful. I continued to lie and lie and lie. I might not have betrayed him with another man but I betrayed him all on my own with my complete unwillingness to just own my actions and say the truth.

I did ask him for a divorce last year. I thought we had been on the same page. He wouldn't even touch me unless we were having s*x. We didn't talk except to fight. I spent most of my nonworking hours drunk.

It hurts my feelings that he told her that he wanted to be physically close to her and cuddle when he refused to be that way with me. When I threw that in his face, he brings up me asking for a divorce or cheating. This morning he added that it cuddling would be better with her than it was with me.

I feel like I have a right to be hurt. Maybe I don't. Maybe this is just karma and I should accept that and hold it together. He keeps reminding me I need to be civil. I feel like he's dictating this whole thing to me. Which dog he's taking (Lila). Which car he's taking (the new one, I get the 2002 Toyota that's breaking down to keep or sell or whatever). Who gets the house. (Me, and I know that that's a huge concession that he's not trying to force a sale.). When he gets custody (He'll pick the boys up on Friday after work and they'll stay at his apartment while he works on Saturday). So do I get them on the weekends? He says not every Friday but when else is he planning on seeing them?

Am I being unreasonable? Is he? I know things can't stay the same. I know he gets to live wherever he wants and wherever is most convenient for him. I know I need to advocate for myself in this just like he's advocating for himself. But I feel like as soon as I do, he'll stop cooperating with me and I'll have to fight tooth and nail for anything. I know how mean he can be. I know he's got this attitude where if something is bad he doesn't see how being cruel could make it worse. And I know he's not like that often anymore. But divorce? I feel like that's the sort of situation that could bring it back out.

I know it's stupid but I want him to realize he still loves me and been me to stay together and tell me how stupid he was. I know that's not what's going to happen and I know there's so much hurt in our relationship, do much hurt I've caused, that there's no way for it to. But I want it so much.

I can't stop crying again. But I made it through another meeting so that was good.

I want to crawl into the ground and just stay there.

I want to be able to be happy.

I want to be able to be myself without the constant fear of criticism and rejection that he always told me wasn't really criticism and rejection and that I was taking too personally.

He told me they weren't going to start dating. Since she had a boyfriend. They're just friends and he was drunk. But he wasn't drunk when he sent her those texts. And he wasn't drunk when he told me he liked her. He said after how I acted he still doesn't want to work on our marriage. And he had just been being kind and not wanting to hurt my feelings when he told me we would be working in our marriage when he moved out.

I wonder if I'll read back through this one day and not feel crushed.

I fell asleep in the bed last night getting Tim to sleep and he came in. Lila woke me up by climbing on me to say hi. He insisted I want really asleep and that I was doing it to be mean. Since sleeping on the couch hurts his neck.

I woke up enough where I wasn't going to go right back to sleep so I moved to the couch.

So he lied to me about his intentions with our marriage, cheated on me, I'm pregnant, and I get to sleep on the couch.

He came out and insisted I didn't have to and that he would sleep on the couch and when I didn't respond with a nice tone he reminded me I need to be civil.

I want us to be in love. I want to be completely in love with him and for him to look at me right so much love in his expression. And for us to take the kids out to do things together as a family. For us to cut each other slack and pick up the things the other just can't do right now. I want to be partners. And to treat each other with consideration and respect.

But he's lying to me now. And I know he is. I know he told her that I knew. He called me his ex so I think he's given her a different impression of our relationship and not he's trying to backtrack it into existence. She asked if she should be worried that I would do something. When he first texted her after I found out, she had asked if it was his wife and he had to convince her it was actually him.

I get that he has a crush on her but can't he see how he's acting? How he can't just convince me that I knew we were getting divorced if he told me we were working on our marriage and that it wasn't even a separation just him moving out for a few months. He even said in our talk on Sunday that he was thinking of waiting till after the baby was born to move out. That we were working on our marriage. That we could still be working on our marriage, but he wasn't going to stop talking to her. How was I supposed to know we were getting divorced if he can't say we were for sure from one breath to the next? He said it's because he told me he was done with me in an argument a week or two ago. But he's said that so many times. So many times. And he kept telling me he loved me after that day. He kissed me and he didn't remind me we were completely over when I kissed him. How was I supposed to know that we were getting divorced when I thought we were making plans for our future together? I asked him, before I knew what he did, if he wanted to take the kids out next weekend to the flee market. He said yes. But I was still supposed to know we were over and he was divorcing me and that he was just being nice and pretending for my sake but they I still should have known and read between the lines?

1:30 pm

I'm glad I've been writing out my thoughts. I know it just yesterday and today but I read back over everything I wrote and I feel less crazy and more capable of handling this.

I do want us to stay together. If I got to pick, we would work things out. But I'm mad at him too. He cheated on me. He knows he did. I know he did. And he knows that he mislead me about our relationship. He knows that. Maybe it was because he was being nice and couldn't quite pull the trigger on it and wanted to let me get used to the idea first. Maybe he wasn't sure what he wanted and that's why he had so much waffling. Maybe it's something else completely. Either way, he doesn't get to manage me accept the blame for not understanding he wanted a divorce. That's not on me, that's on him.

Maybe I should start thinking of what I want out of this divorce so I can advocate for myself more. James is doing a great job of advocating for himself and I've been really passive so far. Sarcastic comments aside. Some of that is not wanting to upset the status quo and some is not accepting that this is happening regardless of my feelings.

I can't make him want to be in a relationship with me.

I want joint dog custody. None of this 'Lila is mine and she's the one who could manage in an apartment'. I love that dog and it's not fair to me not to be able to see her anymore.

I want to do holidays together if possible (the big ones and the ones we normally celebrate). But if we can't make that work I want us to figure out a good schedule. I want to do trick or treating.

I don't want the kids to sit alone in his apartment on Saturday mornings just do he can see them at night and in the morning. I don't know if that's fair though. Sam could definitely be fine by himself, especially if one of the dogs was there.

I want us to figure out what child support will look like. His base pay is crap but he makes money in bonuses as well. I don't want to be a d**k but with his schedule I think primary physical custody being mine makes most sense. That's probably coming from a selfish place too. But he works from 9-8 with a 2 hour break most days plus he has clients outside of those hours.

230

I've spent the whole day just writing in this. I snorted at a comment in a meeting and noticed my phone had taken me off mute. I wish I could text James to tell him but I can't. He can't be my person to tell stupid things I do throughout the day. Now I'm going to cry again.

6

Sitting in Sam's gymnastics class, it's about to finish. I've held it together the whole time. I'm looking at recipes for dinner and I keep rejecting things because he wouldn't eat it and then going back because what does it matter at this point and then thinking it would still be nice to have something he could eat and I could set something aside without the ingredients (like cheese) that he won't eat but that would seem so purposeful? And I don't want to give the impression that I'm purposefully being considerate of him and doing things special for him. But I don't want to be an asshole and he doesn't really have time to make himself dinner and he mostly relies on leftovers for lunch.

Maybe Kaitlin will feed him.

If she didn't have a boyfriend of course.

7:55 pm

The kids and I had fun tonight. I think I need to refocus on them and how much I love them. It's so much less painful than focusing on James and how much he does not love me.

The kids are amazing though. We bought ice cream and a slushie on the way home from gymnastics. They played then ate dinner, minimal fighting, and there hilarious. And I want to focus on them, they are the absolute best thing to come out of this marriage.

Something I'm just remembering! That man tried to say I hit him when I woke him up after finding the messages. I shook his shoulder. The exact way I normally wake him up. He insisted though that it felt like I hit him (in the chest I think he said?). I don't know if this is some part of whatever gaslight special he's trying to pull but I did not. All I wanted was to talk to him immediately and make him leave the bedroom.

11pm

I social media stalked her. Just to see what she looks like and get a better understanding of who my husband thinks is do perfect. She's gorgeous, her boyfriend took her on a helicopter tour, he also works for the same company (or a sister company?) in a role my husband is hoping to be promoted to based on things she told him, she's athletic, has an adorable dog, 5 weeks ago she posted about how much she loved her boyfriend. I feel so much less threatened. Not because of the boyfriend thing, I know what she texted my husband so all that means is she's a cheater too. But just because some of the mystery is gone. She's definitely nothing like me, she seems like she makes friends easily and has a lot of people around her. She did some type of dance, she went to college for nursing, I think she's from Georgia. Just knowing more about her makes me feel better.

And I don't care for her? Right, she knew James was married when she told him she had a crush on him. And when she was texting him. But being kind of a sketchy person doesn't mean she's the one who wronged me. She didn't make me any commitments, or lie to me about our future. She's not blameless but James is the one who actually owed me anything.