I Didn't Want to Love You

Chapter 4

I fall asleep like that on my bed. Smelling the cologne on the sweater for hours, I am manipulated into seeing him in my dreams but I don't remember when I wake up. Suddenly, the reminiscents of last night comes to me. Alexander, his laugh and the offer. My mom, the fact that I shared those stuff with Alexander.

Why was I calmer than ever? This happened before, mom getting our attention with her health, making us spend days at the hospital. My whole world would crumble with agony each time this happened. But this time, I knew I would overcome her death. Dad wouldn’t, but I would. Besides, I know dad is depressed. His quality of life decreased since the accident. He is doing much better now, of course, but he lost his wife, who can expect him to get over it easily? What I want from him is to accept that he has let go of this sleeping woman, to accept that it is very unlikely to emerge from a coma without any brain damage after seven years. That she is a dead person with a heartbeat. I feel bad that I have all these thoughts about mom but I don't let anyone know them. I hope mom wakes up too, but I know that it is a very, very small chance. However, I miss her. I miss the times she smelled like her and didn't sleep for three years.

At the breakfast table, after dad wakes up too, he mentions for the first time what I have been thinking since the first year. She won't wake up and recover. She will die on that bed. I look at my coffee, dark and reflective, my face grim. "I am glad you are with me," I say almost crying, pressing my lips and holding his hand after.

"Me too, cupcake." We eat in silence for a while and then suddenly, he asks about Alexander. "What were you guys talking about? He took a while to leave."

I almost choke on my oatmeal. I think for a while. I never felt it unsafe to share things with him, he can keep a secret and besides, he knows what the Colonel wants. I tell him everything, except that Alexander offered a fake marriage. I also ask why he hadn't tell me.

"I wanted you to decide for yourself, Amelia, you know I want you to find your own path."

"I am finding that," I say, offended. He stays silent for a while, and I reflect on my life again. I still haven't completed the last few credits to get my diploma. The campus is not far away, just two hours car ride but I never have that much time to ride back and forth. I guess I overwork. But that is what brings food to the table.

"It is your choice but you should know I support this idea." I don't say anything else about this, he knows I am stubborn.

I go to the bakery with our neighbour, Alex will bring the car later today. I am relieved that I don't have to think about that and also about mom. Dad is accepting mom is not coming back, yet decides to stay home today. I know he has depression, he never hurts himself but his situation is still concerning. I make sure to tell him I love him, and I will get his favorites for dinner but don't say what yet. That should keep him waiting, busy.

I open the bakery, make some coffee and take care of some papers, employees start coming. The bell rings and regular costumers start coming too, locals around the neighbourhood and workers looking to get a bite.

"Amelia," a man says in a powerful tone. I lift my head up only to look at the Colonel's eyes. I am speechless for a second because I was not expecting to see him. s**t.

"Colonel," I say and clumsily stand up to shake his hand. God, this man reminds me of a sharp square and puts me in a panic mode.

"Do you have a minute to sit down?" It is impossible to say no. I tell him to sit on a table and I'll be there. I realise that I forgot why he came for a second but then I remember. f**k. He's here to talk about Alexander. I clumsily organise my papers and leave the counter.

"Would you like some coffee, sir?"

"Water is enough," he says. I try to keep myself together while pouring some water, and ask Daniel, the college kid working as the barista, to bring my coffee the table.

Pull yourself together, Amelia, I say to myself. He is a scary man but I have no reason to be scared. I bring his water with me, he points to the opposite side of the booth for me to sit down.

"I'll cut to the point directly, Amelia. You met Alexander, he is my youngest son."

"Yes, sir." I am secretly relieved he starts immediately, so I can go back to my work sooner.

"I want to marry him off, he's twenty-eight and insists on not marrying. This is unacceptable for me. I want my sons to marry as soon as possible and-"

"Maybe he doesn't want to hurry it," I say. He looks at me with fiery eyes but I know this man is not to be scared from. Why would I?

"A man with a strong career, great genes and good behaviour must marry so he can contribute more to the society." He talks with such certainty that I know whatever comes out from his mouth must be recognised as the laws of physics are recognised.

"How about a woman?" I ask just to play with him because he doesn't really care about women.

"Same goes for women too, Amelia, such as yourself. How do you see yourself in thirty years?" I think for a moment, about my dad and the college education I left. Daniel chooses to bring my coffee in the right second.

"Sitting in this bakery, drinking coffee." I take a sip of my coffee to prove my point.

"No husband? No kids?"

"Sir," I say, putting my mug on the table. Time to get serious. "I have no intention to marry, much less someone I just met, much less your son. I am happy in my life." God, I am such a liar but I would not give any satisfaction to this man.

"I know you struggle with the money," he says looking into my eyes directly. Dad. "Paying for the bills and taking care of this bakery must really be a hustle for a woman."

"We are doing alright."

"We both know you don't, let's not lie to each other." I get angrier each second that passes. He knows my weakness, he knows that I am cornered. I lock my chin and let go of the mug, lean on my back. Relax, I say to myself, you can do this. You are not cornered. You struggle but you don't need a savior. Especially a man.

"Are you going to save me from debts and bills? You and your son, coming together to save the wretched princess from the tower of bankruptcy? Save your bullshit to yourself, old man. I don't need a sugar daddy or a husband." I stand up, show him the door. "Leave. I am not to be pimped out."