Disoriented

Chapter 5: The Signs in The Stars

Fear, it’s a nice word for a not so nice emotion, one that I felt the day after it happened, but not after that, not once, did I feel fear again. I felt guilt. Guilt is an emotion that feels seemingly worse than fear, it’s one of the worst feelings you could ever feel. I felt guilt, for the one I lost, for who I felt I was. I let her go. I never noticed she was feeling sorrow or fear. I saw the mask, the persona she had put on, I took it for what I wanted it to be, not what it was. I wanted her to be happy, eccentric, herself, but in reality she was feeling upset, depressed, fearful, and she lied about who she was because she didn’t want me to feel like I needed to help her in any way, shape, or form. Those signs that everyone tells you to look out for, they’re real, you just don’t notice or don’t want to notice them. The changes in appearance, the style change, the slight difference in demeanor or way of speech? All real, just discrete, unable to be noticed unless you’re paying attention.For example, Psyche was always one for long hair, loved her beautiful ponytails and buns, she loved space buns most of all, months before her death she cut her hair really short, almost like Miley Cyrus’s hair, it was beautiful but her blazing red hair screamed sudden change, she never discussed this with anyone, she did it herself, I thought she was just being creative at the time, oh how wrong I was. Her style changed drastically from a dark gothic form of expression to a whole rainbow explosion. It surprised me and I was proud of her for expressing herself in a way that was comfortable for her, but even that was a lie. The last sign I missed was her demeanor changing. Most people think the only change that can occur is someone who’s happy acting sadder than normal, but that is not the case. Psyche was always upset about something, the bullying at her school, the situation with her dad, her mom abandoning her, the week of her death she seemed more cheery than she normally was, no longer caring if her dad got mad at her for talking normally, talking with a smile whenever she talked to me, her eyes glistening in the light as if they were pieces of the sun or the stars above. She changed a lot. Sometimes I wonder if the glistening in her eyes ever left when she left the earth, if and when she died, were her starry eyes open? If they were, were they still shining? Were they happy? Did they even seem to care about how others would find them? Or were they just wearing a mask like she had been doing in the months leading up to this tragedy?