Blue Hearts, Purple Roses

Chapter 5: Two Boys & An Escape Plan

Jumbled thoughts, heart thumping, constantly staring at the phone screen―these symptoms are not limited to possibly being in love and awaiting for someone’s message or response. Most of the time, it is the anxiety from messaging someone that we are not supposed to only for them to send in a reply which we respond to...and get nothing after that. 

It was basically how I had been for the past couple of days or so ever since I got the message from Jichul, only to get nothing else after I responded. That kind of thing used to not bother me, but expectations started to build that it was something more than random. Scrolling through his feed, I kept on looking if there was anything new but there was only one and with a vague caption, too. 

[Hanjun]: Hey. Are you awake?

Should I have been bothered that the only people I looked forward to talking to were people from behind a screen? Even when Hanjun had only been a blur of a face. Even if we would have video calls, it would always be too dark to actually see his face. His voice was what stood out the most, deep yet calm. The way he speaks was more than enough to tell me that he is not some child online but an intellectual who was, probably, looking for someone who could understand him and his dilemmas. 

But that did not change the fact that I, most likely, did not know him at all. I only knew who he told me he was, but did that even count?

[Nesryn]: wide awake.

[Hanjun]: What’s keeping you awake? Home life doing good?

It was comforting to know that someone was willing to listen to the endless rants about my family, and their never-ending problems with me. But I knew well-enough that something was keeping him awake as well. 

[Nesryn]: what's bothering your smart mind?

[Hanjun]: Hahaha! I think I am just thinking about my parents, too. 

[Nesryn]: ever wondered if they'll ever understand your dreams? 

[Hanjun]: Sometimes. Is it so hard to understand that I want to make music. They just want me to be a lawyer because it sounds good and successful. 

[Nesryn]: don’t get me wrong, i considered it. 

[Hanjun]: You did?

[Nesryn]: yeah. thinking about defending the defenseless kind of phase but it didn’t last long. big oof.

[Hanjun]: So you prefer being a writer more than anything?

[Nesryn]: maybe? more or less? haha. all i know is i don’t want what they want. 

[Hanjun]: I think it’s because they still think the world still cares about titles. They don’t know that it’s the age of fame. as long as you’re famous, you’re the definition of success. 

[Hanjun]: But my father doesn’t care about fame or passion. He only cares about his image and what his colleagues will think of him.

[Nesryn]: that’s the thing, they can understand my brother and my sisters, why can’t they understand me? 

[Hanjun]: Because they pursued what your parents wanted?

[Nesryn]: among a pool of failures and flaws, too. i just don’t know why they’re so fixated on my situation.

[Hanjun]: I get that. My father supports a cousin of mine who is an artist while he’s focused on getting me to law. 

[Hanjun]: I just wish he’d understand.

My eyes stared at my phone’s screen where the three dots would occasionally dance and disappear. My heart was thumping against my chest but it was neither excitement nor was it anxiety, it was mostly thrashing in self-anger as it normally did whenever I had to lie to someone who was willing to trust a stranger behind his screen. 

Deep within my phone’s notes was a short message that I crafted, telling him everything about me in the most mundane words. But there was no way for me to actually copy and send it to him. Maybe in another universe, it would be easier but in this world...in this lifetime, the truth just had to be twisted. 

[Nesryn]: sometimes i wish i can change my name and just go to a far-off place where no one knows me. do you ever get that feeling too?

[Hanjun]: Always.

[Hanjun]: Why don’t you do exactly that?

[Nesryn]: haha. like that’s even possible, junnie. 

[Nesryn]: if i step out of this house once more, i’m dead. 

[Hanjun]: A vacation maybe?

Staring at his message, I started to think of the good days from touring. There was something about travelling from one place to another that made me feel more free than I ever was in one place. Maybe it was easier with the thought that after a week or two, I would be in a new place and everything will just be beautiful memories. 

Just as I was about to type a response when a knock cut through the silence. And I was not thrilled to see who it was standing in front of my bedroom door.

“What now?” I impatiently asked, foot tapping against the marble floor. “It’s past midnight. What could be so important that you’d be knocking on my door at such an ungodly hour, Jesse?” I did not care if I would offend him because I was not in the mood for an ambush when I was already trying to relax for the night. 

What I could say was that Jesse’s monotonous voice was better than Angelika’s constantly angry tone. “There’s an emergency meeting and they asked me to call you. Stop being such a brat and just hurry to the living room,” he said with an eye roll before he turned to walk away. 

Pulling on my hood, I grunted and headed down to the living room where everyone had already gathered. They all seemed bothered, furrowed brows and pursed lips as they whispered and glared at each other―a sight reserved for a family problem that involved the Legion. And after that conversation with Hanjun, I could not even bring myself to look at any of their faces. Not yet. As I turned to head back to my room, I heard my father calling my name, “Nesryn Sinclair” in a firm tone which meant I had to follow or we would have another argument, and no one wants to argue at one in the morning. 

“Margaux is going to London tonight for a mission but there are still a lot more coming in, and we can barely handle the missions that we have now,” Angelika said as she stood in front of everyone, voice tinged with conviction as she waved her hands around, trying to explain the situation to everyone. “Stella and I might have to go back to France for some emergency duties, too. We have a meeting with Analise’s team. I can’t say much but that’s all I can give for now.” 

Half of what they were saying did not make any sense to me. Legion jargon was too foreign to me, my mind started to buffer as I tried to understand everything that they were trying to explain but I could barely keep up at all. At some point, I started to tune them all out...until I was called out, of course. 

“We would appreciate it if you start to step up and take on a mission or two for starters,” Stella said, looking at me with piercing cold eyes. It was very sly, meant to be invisible to the rest but me, she c****d an eyebrow at me. “We can’t afford to have idle hands in our team, that’s for sure. Even Mama and Papa are doing something.” 

There was no other choice left but to tune them out for a good minute. Jesse was doing something. Angelika and Stella, too. Margaux had something important as well. Our parents were a part of it, too. It was just me who was on the outside and yet I was not interested in giving the inside a peek, not at all. 

Mixed emotions came in crashing waves and I did not know how else to control it. Ever since I stepped inside the house for the first time in years, I did not get any decent treatment from any of them. They may have tried to show support but not without an ulterior motive of persuading me to join the Legion. Nonetheless, I was already fed up and I was tired of pretending that it was all okay because they are my family. It was time for them to know that their remarks were not unnoticed. 

“Can you shut up for a while?” I snapped, earning confused looks from everyone but Jesse, who still showed no emotion. I did not have time to compose myself as I just went for it. “You keep on forcing this on me for how many times now? Aren’t you tired of trying and getting rejected? Do you think spending time here in this house and seeing you all bond over the Legion makes me want to jump with you?” I exclaimed, my voice booming through the deafening silence that wrapped us. “All I’ve felt since I got here was that you still don’t understand my decision and you will stop at nothing until I join that damned Legion that you love so much.”

Angelika’s eyes widened, definitely taking offense in what I just said but I was not going to apologize for the truth, my truth. They had to realize that it was not black or white, that I had other things in mind for my life and they could not tell me otherwise. 

And when I saw Angelika’s lips parted as if to speak, I held up my hand almost immediately to stop her. “No. I don’t want to hear about legacy and family because it’s bullshit.” That obviously surprised them and it was not my best moment, but it was how I felt at that very moment. “Other parents out there would give everything that they have if only their kids know what they want in life. Here I am, with a clear dream but none of you are satisfied with it.”

“That’s not true, Nesryn,” my mother spoke. Her voice was soft and gentle, trying to comfort me because she had to, but never defending me. 

Shaking my head, a humorless chuckle left my lips. “No one speaks of Jesse’s escape to Japan,” I gestured to Jesse who was leaning on the wall, “Or Angelika’s failed marriage,” I smiled at her while she only looked at me with wide eyes, “Stella’s inability to hold a normal day job, or Margaux being unreliable at most things.” I brushed my fingers through my hair in frustration. “Or that Mother and Father are always there for all their children…” I paused, “...but me.”

Silence wrapped the entire living room. None of them were able to speak, not even my own father who only looked at me with firm eyes that most likely said that I was going to be disowned or something along those lines. 

“I’m done with this tonight. Count me out on whatever Legion s**t you guys are talking about.” I turned on my heels and rushed back to my room, making sure that the door was locked. 

Plopping on my bed, I grabbed my phone and saw that Hanjun flooded my inbox. 

[Hanjun]: Don’t worry too much and don’t forget that I’m here for you, okay Rin?

[Hanjun]: Maybe they think you’re just scared to try. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend that they’re forcing us to do things because they have our best interests at heart. 

[Hanjun]: Easier or comforting but I know it’s a lie. 

[Hanjun]: But seriously...why don’t you go on a trip?

It was Hanjun’s effect―the calm wave that washed over me. Though it did not kill the beast, it sure tamed it...temporarily. 

[Nesryn]: maybe. but it’s annoying. 

[Nesryn]: i just want to go away. i really do. 

As much as I wanted to keep our conversation flowing, my mind was too hazed to think of any decent reply and I did not have enough energy to pretend that I was okay. And I, most certainly, could not come up with a lie with how emotional I was so I had to cap it off. 

[Nesryn]: look, i’m sorry. i’m just in a bad mood. i had an argument with the entire family so i’d get some rest. 

[Nesryn]: you should, too. 

[Hanjun]: I hope things get better, Rin. Get some rest too. 

[Hanjun]: And think about the trip. Maybe Seoul?

With just a smiling emoji, I closed the app window and then dropped my phone on the bed. 

Life was definitely easier on the road and I missed it so much. It made me wonder why I ever thought of leaving the band when I was already living the dream. I started to think that maybe Hanjun was right and I should just take a break from everything, go away to a different place where no one could recognize me. 

But was that even possible, considering that my face was already on almost every social media network that there is and a few posters here and there? 

As I grabbed my phone, I scrolled through my old posts and that was when I saw another picture of me when I was still dark-haired and there really was a huge difference in how I looked depending on my hair color. Right then, something clicked in my mind. I thought that maybe if I changed my hair color into something really different from what I was known for, and maybe changed a bit of my clothing style, I could pull it off. 

With that, I started scrolling through Pinterest in order to get some inspiration on what would be my “on hiatus and trying to escape my family” look. But just as I was scrolling through the nth collection, a message notification popped on my phone’s screen. 

[jc.kwon]: sorry if it took too long before i replied. schedule got busy. anyway, maybe you’re available for a call? that’s better, don’t you think?

My eyes grew wide that I had to check if it really was his account, and it was so there was no way that he made a mistake. I had to type and delete my response multiple times until I finally settled on one. 

[wildrose]: it’s fine. i didn’t even expect that you’d notice me...and isn’t it too soon for you to call? that sounds a bit too personal.

[jc.kwon]: i’m currently packing up and i really want to talk to you but typing takes up so much time. humor me?

My eyes were glued on the screen, waiting if there would be a follow-up message that would tell me that he was kidding, but to no avail. There were no three dots that danced on the screen to hint that he was taking it back. That was it and I needed to answer. 

My heart was pounding against my chest, thrashing and internally screaming for help but no one seemed to care. And maybe it was time to stop thinking too much about things and just jump right into it. 

[wildrose]: i say what the hell? go on.

There was a brief moment of silence until my phone blasted my ringtone that was loud enough to disrupt the so-called peace in the house. 

“Hey,” the voice from the other line said. It was silvery―clear, light, and pleasant. It was almost similar to how he sounded in their tracks. And it was soothing. 

Pressing my lips together and letting out a small sigh, I forced a smile as I knew that even facial expressions could be heard through a phone call. “Hey,” I awkwardly greeted. It was a bit difficult to come up with anything to say, considering that I was not at all prepared for an impromptu call. Silence followed and it was just the sound of zippers and a few thuds on his side. 

Well, until his gentle but playful laugh cut through the tension. “Loosen up, Nesryn.” He chuckled again as I could hear some rustling as if the phone was being picked up and his voice had become clearer. “That’s your name, right? Unless that’s not it. It’s kind of unique, I like it.” 

“It’s kind of a mouthful, don’t you think?” I laughed. “You can just call me Rin.” It was easier for other people to know me as ‘Nesryn’ since ‘Sinclair’ was used as my stage name and I refused to mention my first name in any interview since it was too easy of a name to link since it was not as common as being a ‘Sarah’ or an ‘Anna’. 

“I would take you up on that but the letters ‘R’ and ‘L’ are interchangeable in Korean so that’s still a bit difficult,” he light-heartedly informed me. “What does it mean?” he asked. 

“My name? It means ‘wild rose’, exactly what my username states,” I answered, laughing a little as I started to remember my younger years when I asked my parents why my name sounded a bit weirder than my siblings. 

The way he sounded, even with a little glitch, sounded comforting and calming. It was almost like a lullaby that I would listen to before I go to sleep. “In Korean that’s 야생 장미¹. But maybe I’ll call you 장미² if that’s okay. It means ‘rose’,”

When he spoke in English, it sounded smooth and innocent but when he spoke in Korean, it was different. His accent shifted into something a bit stronger and dangerous, almost as if his words dripped honey. For a while, I thought of asking him to say it again just so I could record it but I rather kept the creepy details all to myself. “That doesn’t sound bad. As long as you’re not talking s**t behind my back, we’re cool.”

For a first call and the first time talking to someone who I would regard as a complete stranger, his presence felt warm. It was a feeling that I only got from the band, Harry, and Hanjun. But Jichul was right on the list as well. 

After a few more exchanges, I warmed up to him and he started to ask more about me but I could not disclose my real job and the truth about my world. It was the same white lie that I had to tell everyone on the list of the good people in my life, and it made the void in my chest ache once again. “They just get really mad whenever I tell them that I want to write, not fight in court.” 

“So you really love to write? When you visit Seoul, we have to meet and maybe help me work on a song?” He sounded so excited. I did not know it was possible but it felt like he was beaming from ear to ear, and that mere thought sent happiness through my veins. 

An unintentional giggle left my lips. “I would love to!” My eyes widened as I answered, unsure of why I reacted that way. It was more of a reflex than a well-thought out answer. “I was actually thinking of going on a vacation.”

It was a series of laughs and strings of plans that I never really gave much thought, but it all sounded amazing at the moment. The sensation felt like I was floating and euphoric, the thought of what I would feel when I sober up was lingering at the back of my mind...and I paid it no mind.

An hour or so had passed and I was not even sure what time it was and I could no longer remember my problems. 

“As much as I want to talk more, I have to head to dinner. What are your plans now?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned. There was more rustling and the sound of jingling keys. 

A yawn escaped my lips, that time I could not hush it down anymore. “Sleep? It’s around three in the morning here.”

“What?” he exclaimed, which almost made me tumble down my bed. “Why didn’t you tell me that, 장미²?” He sounded like he was frowning, his voice a little lower. 

I laughed softly, sleepily. “It’s okay. I enjoyed talking to you.” I could not help but smile, feeling lighter than how I felt around midnight. “Now go get some dinner and I’ll get some sleep. Talk soon…” I paused, letting the silence envelope us. “And maybe see you in Seoul?”

There was another brief silence, everything felt paused. There was no rustling or keys jingling. The only thing that told me that he was still there was the glitchy sound from the unstable connection. 

And then there was a soft laugh. “I’ll see you soon. Good night, wild rose.”

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¹야생 장미 (Romanization: Yasaeng jangmi) - It means ‘wild rose’.

²장미 (Romanization: Jangmi) - It means ‘rose’ or ‘grandeur’.