Blue Hearts, Purple Roses

Chapter 6: Old Plans & Not Plans

Running away was and never will be as easy as it sounds. Leaving takes so much more than just packing up and walking away. Most of the time it takes a lot of courage to put all of our baggage inside a suitcase to carry to a different city or across the world. And there are things that are too difficult to leave behind, even if it was only for a short period of time. 

But I had to finish packing up as fast as I could if I wanted to escape as soon as possible. It seemed easier to run away for the first time, maybe because I always thought that when I returned, it would be for good. A part of me thought that if I would come home, it would be because they could finally accept the path that I wanted for myself. Maybe, that was just wishful thinking. 

Scanning and filtering the items that I placed inside my luggage, it almost felt like I was starting to segregate what I no longer wanted in my life and those that I would carry with me to places. Everything else seemed set when my eyes landed on the half-open bottom drawer where my blades and razors were kept. With a sigh, I crawled closer and pulled it open. 

As much as I wanted to deny it, those weapons could have helped me in times of danger during our tours. Though it was something I would rather leave, it seemed appropriate to bring it with me in case of emergencies and self-defense purposes. Grabbing the glamoured pouch and carefully aligning the array of daggers and knives before wrapping it up, and tucking it in my luggage. 

Zipping up the bags, I started to feel lighter. I pushed all of it at the corner near my desk before settling on the carpeted floor. Connecting my phone to the Bluetooth speaker, I started to play Late Daze’s album. 

“Hold me close, hold me tight,

These chains may bind me

But they keep me aligned.”

The music and lyrics that filled the air were reminiscent of the times when everything was rather simple and free―the late night writing with fries and milkshake as we poured our heart and soul into every song that we ever made. It was obvious how much we tried to be raw and authentic to show that we were more than a group of kids who made song covers. 

Letting out a small sigh, I lied down in order to get some kind of peace. With my flight already booked, I was glad to know that it was only a day before I had to leave that hellhole I called home for a while. I had all the things planned out, from changing my appearance down to the places I wanted to visit. And just as I posted a photo of my suitcase, a few notifications started to flood in. 

But one stood out. 

[jc.kwon]: someone's excited. 

A smile stretched across my lips, cheeks unconsciously flushed, as I saw the dance of the three dots. 

[jc.kwon]: i already know what to show you. we just have to be out at night, if you don't mind. 

[wildrose]: you don't even have to. it's already so much that you're messaging me when i'm probably the last person you should. 

[jc.kwon]: are you kidding me? your captions are genius. they can be really short or long but it makes sense. 

[wildrose]: ah! someone told you that flattery gets you anywhere?

[jc.kwon]: that's a saying? i don't even know that.

Message after message, Jichul was starting to light up a part of me that I thought was dead. After so long, I was feeling alive. 

[jc.kwon]: what kind of food do you like?

[wildrose]: hmm. coffee, cake, macarons, mochi, more coffee… 

[jc.kwon]: it’s safe to assume that you like coffee. 

[wildrose]: uh-uh. i’m in love with coffee. deeply in love. smitten. 

It would never make sense how easy it was to get along with Jichul. He just had such a light aura, like a safe place that I could rest my weary soul in and there would be no judgment. It was a bit like Hanjun. The only difference was that Hanjun was just a name and a voice, a mere silhouette of a person I wish I could see. Not that his physical features were essential but it would be nice to have a face to associate with the name and the voice that had comforted me for so long.

[jc.kwon]: don’t worry. i promise that i’ll do my best to give you a tour. 

Was it safe to say that I had a little crush on Jichul? Maybe. But maybe I was just relieved that there was someone out there, even if he was a complete stranger, who understood the pieces of me that have long been disregarded and forgotten. For both Hanjun and Jichul to appreciate my writing, it was already something I would cherish for my entire life, which already says a lot. 

And just as I was starting to fully relax, my bedroom door slammed open which made me sit up almost immediately. I shot a glare at the two uninvited guests, Jesse and Angelika who were already looking past me and at something from behind me. 

“Are you really leaving?” Angelika asked, taking strides into my bedroom even without my permission. She headed to my desk and grabbed the handle of my suitcase. “What the f**k, Nesryn?” She raised her voice, stomping her feet towards me. Looming over me, Angelika looked so much bigger and more terrifying as she looked down on me. 

May it be Jichul’s effect on me or just being done with all the family bullshit, I looked up at her and shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. But that’s my business, don’t you think?” 

It had become their habit to meddle in my decisions and it was getting old too soon. 

“You just got back,” Jesse said as he leaned on the doorframe, gaze still cold and arms crossed across his chest. “New tour?” he asked, his voice getting a bit lower than usual. “You know, you can stop being selfish for a moment. Listen to us, for a change.” He paused, glancing at Angelika who already settled on my bed. 

Shaking my head, I humorlessly chuckled at them. “Are you trying to get back at me after I called out all of you for all the s**t that you have done in your lives?” I scoffed, propping my hand a little behind me as I looked up at the two of them. “Things that Mother and Father were able to overlook because you followed them anyway?” I raised my eyebrows then forced a fake smile, not bothering to make it look genuine. 

“We’ve been patient with you, Nesryn. We thought that after you get a taste of what that world is like, you’ll see that it’s not the place where you belong.” Angelika’s voice was already booming, it was the same tone that she used whenever she was not getting what she wanted. 

Nodding along, I sighed in frustration. “Say all that you want, Angelika but I don’t want whatever life you think fits me. I want the life that I want and it’s not any of this. When will you get that through your thick skull?” It was mainly unintentional but a part of me started to let go of the chains and start speaking out in the hopes that they would one day understand me.

But it was not that night, because Angelika continued to blame me for being too selfish while Jesse supported her arguments and called me a ‘spoiled brat’. Although Jesse only gave comments on the side, Angelika and I were almost shouting at the top of our lungs that we did not notice how loud we were until Father’s voice pierced through the screaming match. 

“Nesryn Sinclair, my study. Now.” It was all that it took for us to stop and for me to stand up and stomp towards my father’s study located on the third floor. 

The walls were made of shelves, filled with books about demons and the Legion or the abundance of trophies from missions that they accomplished. His study was more like a hall of tokens from every demon they decided to kill, as if that made them better demons. 

The moment the door was locked, my father wasted no time. Not a second was wasted as he slammed his hand on his table. “I’ve been patient with you, Nesryn. I’ve dealt with this attitude that you have going on and your taste for running away, but it has to end now,” he firmly said through gritted teeth. “I won’t take any of this disrespect any longer, Nesryn Sinclair. You are staying here and you are joining us in the Legion. End of discussion.” He turned to face the shelf as if examining every item that was on it. 

All my life, I respected their wishes―the training even when I did not want a part of it, learned a weapon, and even mastered my powers at some point. But exploring all of the options that they laid in front of me was exactly what made me realize that it was not what I wanted out of life. And being out in the world made me see what more I can have and I wanted that more.

At that time, the chains were completely broken and scattered on the floor. There was no way for me to keep on hearing the same words from different mouths in different voices, more than once a day with various reasons that just made me exhausted. I had not been home for more than a month, barely a month even, but it had drained me more than any of the tours from the past years combined. 

“Stop.” I pressed my lips together, struggling to keep myself contained in a bottle. “I’ve heard those words from every single one of you, each having their own supposed reasons why I should do what you’re asking from me. Most of it being for the family or legacy, but nothing about my happiness.” With each word, my voice grew louder and that was beyond my control. “As selfish as that may have sounded, I only have a limited time to achieve these things and you can’t say otherwise.” 

There was surprise in my father’s eyes as he turned to me with those piercing eyes as if he was ready to skin me alive, burn my bones and bury my ashes in Hell. 

But there was no way that I would let him speak before I was able to finish my piece. 

I held up a hand as if to tell him that I was far from done. “Yes, we’re immortal. Praise the unholy Hell because we’re going to live forever!” I exclaimed in frustration. “But my face would not change. I can only do so much with this time. These people I’m with will wither away while I stay the same. I have my entire life to follow your footsteps but I can only do so much with these people.” Anger and sadness boiled at the pit of my stomach, and there was nothing that could wash it off. “I’m leaving the day after tomorrow and there is nothing any of you can do.”

“Running away again?” A challenging smirk lit up his face in a wicked manner. It was a habit my father did whenever he felt like he was on the winning side. “That’s what you do best.”

Standing up, I knew I was almost done. I was done with the night and I was done dealing with all the bullshit that I had for the past week or so. “I’m not running away.” I paused. “This isn’t me running away. This is me taking a break so I can figure out what I want to do with my life. Crucify me all you want for not making the same choices as your other children, but that’s their choice and not mine.” 

I turned on my heels and was ready to walk out the door. “You have to let me make mine.”

With that, I headed back to my bedroom which I gladly found free of any brother or sister that I refused to see. I walked over to my suitcase that seemed to still be intact and untouched by unwanted hands. 

[wildrose]: see you in seoul.

Things may not always go as planned but the show, indeed, must go on.