Blue Hearts, Purple Roses

Chapter 4: Writing & Pretty Boys

After a time away from what was supposed to be my comfort zone, I realized that safe places are not always actual places. Sometimes, it is the people who can offer us the comfort and understanding that we fail to receive. And for the past week, it was Hanjun. 

Being under the same roof proved itself to be a bigger challenge when they started to go on missions. It had been a while since I saw them in action that I forgot how they tend to be all over the place, helping each other out in any way they can. Even I could never deny that they have amazing teamwork. And maybe I started to wonder what it would be like if I did join them. Would I have fit in their team and fulfill the tasks handed to me? Either way, it was not the life I could see myself living for the next five or ten years. 

[Hanjun]: Tell me again why your parents want you to be a lawyer.

[Nesryn]: call it a legacy. haha. all my siblings are...amazing. they followed everything the ‘rents told them so they’re safe from their wrath. 

[Hanjun]: Even if I want to look at the bright side of your situation. It’s the same with me. My parents wanted me to take up law too.

[Nesryn]: what is with law?! i don’t get it! it’s the title, isn’t it?

With a grunt, I stared at the screen of my phone. Lying is my family’s second nature, but it has never been my favorite habit. It was difficult to keep track of how much a lie has grown after so many times of retelling and adjustments to it. It has always been easier to tell the truth and, in that way, there is no way to make a mistake and jumble the multitude of lies that have been told. 

If only it was easy to tell him what my life is made up of, then maybe he could really help me how to handle my problem. But humans are not equipped to deal with supernatural creatures. They do enjoy the stories born from their imagination, but not the reality that it could bring.  And maybe, for a while, I could convince myself that I was normal.

[Hanjun]: Have you found the book that I told you about?

[Nesryn]: magic shop? yeah. i’m still looking for a copy and failing. 

[Nesryn]: i’m starting to wonder if it really exists.

[Hanjun]: It has a few reviews so I think it does. I haven’t seen a copy in the last bookstore I visited.

[Nesryn]: haha. i’m even more curious because there’s not a lot of hype. there’s no fandom but it looks so interesting.

[Hanjun]: I always get the inspirational books but even I become interested when I saw that it has postcards and clippings.

[Nesryn]: i won’t stop hunting down for a copy. i want to see it for myself.

[Hanjun]: You want it that bad?

[Nesryn]: it intrigues me, how a book can be interactive and tell two or more stories at the same time. because that’s life.

[Nesryn]: life isn’t one story. life is multiple stories weaved into one masterpiece. 

The book ‘Magic Shop’ is one of the main reasons why Hanjun and I grew closer. Someone posted a list of must-read books and among all the listed books we both thought that ‘Magic Shop’ was the most intriguing one, simply because it was described as a book within a book, And that alone made us wonder what it is about and how the author came up with it. Ever since then, Hanjun and I had been on a hunt for that book only to fail time and time again.

Staring at my phone’s screen, I see his status go offline. It was almost like a routine. There were specific hours that he would go off, which was probably due to his classes. But just like me, he was very vague when it came to topics about the university. In all the time that we had known each other, all I knew was that he barely had time to do something for himself so whenever there was room, he would spend it going to museums or reading books. 

A part of me wanted to do the same but there seemed to be little space to do what I wanted because it always felt like my family was breathing down my neck. And even when I thought that I was tucked in the safe confines of my bedroom, I had to admit that there was only a small barrier that separated me from the rest of the world and once it was cracked open, things were bound to spill out. 

And just as I was starting to drown in my thoughts, hands itching to write it all down, there was a knock on my door followed by the monotonous voice of Jesse saying, “We’re going for a while. We all have missions. Father is asking if you want to come with us.”

A scoff escaped my lips, unfiltered and never wanted to. “No,” I bluntly answered. With the silence that followed, it was  a good indication that he walked away and it was safe to say that I had the house all to myself until they finished whatever they had to do. And with the limited knowledge that I had in regards to Legion missions, it would take a good while.

Since Hanjun was currently offline and there was no one else for me to reach out to, it was time for me to make things entertaining for myself. It was rare to have the entire house all to myself with no one to argue with every damn second, and I was not going to waste it. 

As annoying as most movie montages are, it was exactly what I did. 

One thing I truly enjoyed as a celebrity of some sort was having different outfits and costume changes, depending on the location and the theme that we were going for. In reality, I would buy a few new clothes every now and then but I normally would not dress up whenever I go out. I was and always will be a firm believer that a plain shirt and jeans matched with sneakers is my most comfortable combination. 

But it did not mean that I was not a huge fan of a good dress-up montage. 

Opening my closet, I was glad that my mother had my room cleaned regularly even when I was not around. A wide array of outfits from dresses, skirts, graphic tees, pants of mostly black, gray, pink, and purple. As a smile stretched across my lips, I started to mix and match some of my favorite pieces, including those that came from my mother or Angelika. 

Before I became the rebel of the family, I was the baby of the family. I was the youngest whom everyone doted on and adored, spoiled even. My mother and Angelika are the shopaholics in the family and they used to take me with them because, according to them, I looked like a small doll that they wanted to dress up in various styles. It was our way of bonding and those would be one of the memories that I would keep going back to, especially when I feel too detached. 

Deep inside, I knew I loved different colors and different styles but for some reason, it was easier for me to stick to the basics. 

Tying my hair in pigtails, I also applied some eyeliner, blush, and lipstick to complete the look. And with every new outfit, I would take about five to ten photos as if I was in a photoshoot. It was all in good fun and kind of my way of cheering up myself after everything that had happened since I came home. 

[Hanjun]: Hey. Sorry I disappeared like that. 

[Nesryn]: ooh. classes already started? yikes. sorry for disturbing you then. 

[Hanjun]: No. You're not disturbing me. 

[Hanjun]: What are you doing?

[Nesryn]: looking at old clothes actually. i didn't know that i have so many and i barely wore some of them. 

[Hanjun]: Ever thought of donating them?

It was a thought that passed by my mind once or twice but how could I donate the shirt and skirt that I wore during the first night of the Year of Nightmares? How can anyone want clothes that were stained in blood?

[Nesryn]: i have but some have some kind of sentimental value. i know that sounds kind of stupid but there are memories imprinted on some of it. 

[Hanjun]: I think I understand that well.

[Hanjun]: I have this shirt and cargo pants that I haven’t worn in a while but I still keep it because the memory I have with it is special. 

As materialistic as we probably sounded, it was how we wanted to keep certain memories alive, may it be good or bad. 

[Nesryn]: at least i’m not alone. i almost feel weird whenever i reason out.

[Hanjun]: I think that’s why I like talking to you. 

[Nesryn]: because i understand your sentimentality?

[Hanjun]: That and you appreciate the things I write in its raw form.

Ever since we clicked, we exchanged stories or poetry for us to give feedback on and I loved how raw and honest he writes. While I could only write a version of my truth made up of vagueness and symbolism, he spoke of his feelings in an unfiltered yet beautiful way. And it was something I wish I could do in the future. 

[Nesryn]: you have a really good writing style and it’s so honest. i love it.

[Hanjun]: You write good too. Have you ever thought of showing them off?

[Nesryn]: ...what?

[Hanjun]: Try getting yourself published or posting it online more for people to see? You have to share that talent. 

[Nesryn]: uhh. i’m still trying to polish my style. maybe next time? and some of it is actually used for stuff before. 

Telling him that I was a part of a band was easier than telling him about the non-human details, but it did not seem to matter, either. I battled with myself for many nights, coming up with how I could tell him those things about myself. It seemed unfair that he was trusting me with all that information and all I could give him was little white lies and lousy answers. 

But maybe there is no such thing as fair.

[Hanjun]: I hope to see more of that soon. But for now, I need to go.

[Hanjun]: Talk soon.

Silence filled the air and I was left sitting at the edge of my bed as I looked at all the clothes on the floor and on my table. It was kind of a projection of my temporary happiness. The moment the chat notifications from Hanjun stopped and I was left on my own with my hazy jumbled thoughts, it started to sink in that there was a void that I was trying to fill in. 

Unfortunately, I was not sure what created that void that made me feel hollow. 

And it is difficult to fill a space without knowing what is missing.

With a disappointed sigh escaping my lips, I scrolled through the pictures that I took earlier in the hopes that something could cheer me up. It was mostly blurred or trying to be cute, showing how horrible I could be in front of a camera unless it is time to perform. It was bizarre because if there was anything that I tried to avoid, it was public speaking. For me to be the band’s lead vocals was crazy. But I loved every bit of it anyway.

One of the photos reminded me of one of our music videos―the room was full of mirrors and the band had to wear monochrome stripes or checkerboard pieces. It was an absolute blast and I guess I wanted to go back to that moment, in some way, so I decided to go on my private i********: and posted it with a very vague caption in which I used a line from one of our songs. 

i heard a voice in my head say ‘honey, you have a heart, use it’

And it absolutely spoke of my feelings at the moment, that it seemed perfect for it. 

As it uploaded, I stared at the screen a little longer, wondering if I should have posted it on my public socials for the fans but come to think of it, I was supposed to be on hiatus. 

With my head starting to drift to a darker place, I decided to head to the kitchen and get something to eat and to drink. The house was still eerily quiet so it was kind of unsettling to see it like that because it was normally chaotic with everyone trying to do the things that they wanted. But I guess the Legion changed a lot of things, more than I thought. 

The silence was suddenly cut through by two loud beeps that came from my phone. Knowing very well that it was not Hanjun, the next ones that came to mind were either Cedric or Allen because my family always resorted to phone calls unless they already tried and I rejected it. As I looked at the screen, I was surprised to see i********: notifications since it was a pretty low-key account that only a few friends of mine knew. 

Looking closely, I caught a glimpse of the username who apparently followed me and gave my recent post a ‘like’. It read ‘@jc.kwon followed you’ so I started to think where I remembered it from but giving up on trying, I clicked on his username and saw that it was the account I had been checking for so long. He posted a lot of pretty scenery and outfits. His feed was so aesthetically pleasing that it was what used to calm me down during really crazy schedules. But there were more photos then and it was no longer just scenery and outfits but of stages and photoshoots. 

I hurriedly grabbed my coffee before I headed back to my room to do a more in-depth research of who he really is. 

And though his feed is packed with a lot of things, one Google search was more than enough to know that he is a KPOP idol in the name of Kwon Jichul. I wanted to think he was a fake, too, if it was not for the verified badge next to his name. It was safe to say that he is legit. 

It was supposed to be surprising but it was also not sinking in that I just connected my phone to the Bluetooth speaker and played some of their songs, while I scrolled through his feed and even left a comment or two. 

There was one picture that showed a cup of coffee on a wooden table, surrounded by a large green field and abundance of trees, with the sunset in full view.

@wildrose: that is a gorgeous view. if i was there, i’d write all-day long while listening to a good playlist.

And then there was one that showed the waiting area from backstage and that mere photo reminded me of a lot of good memories, from the smallest to the moments that felt impossible. With a smile on my face, I made one more comment. 

@wildrose: so simple but the waiting room holds a lot of memories.

Not wanting to look like a complete stalker, I stopped leaving anything for the meantime and headed to my browser so I could check the translated lyrics of their songs, since my knowledge in Korean was basic and only for greeting purposes. Also, I was not that familiar with their music so I wanted to know more.

And I was not disappointed at all. Their lyrics made sense and it was poetic, too. It was the kind of music that I would truly listen to, even without being forced into it. With every song, I read through all the translations until the first song that they released. Though I enjoyed their more recent songs, I absolutely enjoyed the angst from the earlier songs. 

They definitely earned a spot in my playlist. 

Just as I was about to move to a different album, a notification came to view.

[jc.kwon]: hey there.