Blue Hearts, Purple Roses

Chapter 2: The Dilemma

Touring for months gave me a routine or a sense of what to do next. It was like I had a catalog or itinerary ingrained in my head. Somehow, I just knew what I was supposed to do with my hair, my makeup, or my outfit.

But an hour was not a long time. Sometimes, one hour felt like a couple of minutes only. It would never be enough.

I took a cold shower to wake my nerves, letting the chilly water cover me up. It was relaxing, especially as I thought about last night’s show. But as I stood there under the cold drizzling water, I tried to create a melody for the words that I was able to write last night. It felt right as I mouthed the words but I was not sure about the melody yet. The idea of having a new song on the way gave me energy.

“Let’s do this,” I told myself as I took one last glance in the mirror to check my makeup and outfit. “Here’s to the last show.” I smiled at myself, hoping that it could convince me that I was okay even if I was not.

When I got to the van, I was surprised to see that Cedric and Alan were already there. They were dressed up and styled, holding on to their Nintendo Switch, playing a game. And it seemed like they had more energy than usual.

“Hey, Sin, wanna play a round?” Alan asked, offering me his Switch then he saw the notebook that I was holding. He nodded as he realized that I had something else to do than play. “Never mind.” He then turned to Cedric, screaming to play for another round.

As I sat on the back seat, I flipped my notebook open and stared at what I wrote. My head was up in the clouds and everything was just a blur. I was trying to piece it all together and turn it into decent verses but the melody was still unpolished in my head. Most likely, I would need Alan’s help to finish it but I wanted to keep it a secret until I have the full lyrics.

Or maybe it was just me being a perfectionist.

The rehearsals did not feel as intense as it was during the start of the tour. We already knew what they wanted us to do and we already agreed to the gimmicks that we had planned to make every show special. All I really needed was another cup of coffee and to get some vocal rest. My voice was kind of strained and there was no need to make it worse.

“Hey, Sin. I know you’re on vocal rest but you’ve been acting weird. Are you okay?” Cedric asked. He pulled a chair in front of me and sat on it.

I shook my head, not opening my mouth at all. I knew that he would understand that I was on vocal rest but at the same time, I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would end up telling him about my thoughts on leaving. The moment I end up telling them, it would feel real.

He raised a brow the way he always did to get an answer from me. “What? I know you. There’s more to it. Come on, tell me.”

And just like that, Allan came in, waving a couple of bags of chips and a can of energy drink. “I got snacks for us!” He smiled as he sat on another chair. Only then did he realize what kind of air around us was circling between me and Cedric “What’s going on?”

“Just tell us,” Cedric pushed.

I only shook my head. How could I even tell them that, right? There was no way that I could tell them everything that was happening in my life.

“If something’s bothering you, you can tell us.” Allan was more gentle than Cedric. He touched my arm as if reassuring me that I could rely on them.

Even if it was tempting, there was no way I could tell them the truth. All I could tell them were bits and pieces of the truth with a lot of white lies mixed in. “My father called me,” I confessed.

They sit back, realizing the weight that comes with me talking about my father.

“What happened?” Cedric asked. “Are you going home?” he added.

“Why would you even go back after everything that happened?” Allan said, frowning.

“There’s this family tradition and they wanted me to be a part of it. They tried to get me to come home for the past two years. Now’s the third. I guess they think the third time’s the charm.” I smiled. It was fake but I tried to mask it anyway.

After a while, Harry entered the room. “Guys, time for a huddle. Show’s about to start.” He had a bright smile on his lips but it seemed like he knew what was going on. And he should, because he already knew bits of my dilemma.

But when I finally stood on the stage and the cheers flooded my ears, it reminded me of everything that I wanted so…

Why would I even leave this life?