He was still asleep beside me, one arm resting loosely across the sheets, his face softer than I'd ever seen it
None of the careful control he wore during the day was there
I lay completely still for a long moment, staring at the ceiling, my heart beating far too fast and my head still throbbing faintly from the wine
This wasn't supposed to happen
I hadn't planned for any of this
Not the storm
Not the wine cellar
Not whatever had happened between us in those hazy hours after midnight that I could remember more in fragments than as a clear sequence
I carefully slipped out of bed, gathering my clothes from where we'd left them scattered the night before
My face burned even though there was no one awake to see me
I dressed as quietly as I could, my hands unsteady as my mind raced through everything that had happened and, worse, everything it might mean now
What have I done?
I was halfway back to the guest room, moving quickly and quietly down the unfamiliar hallway, when my phone buzzed in my hand
Mom
I almost didn't answer
I didn't trust my voice yet, and I knew I probably sounded strange
But the clinic results were supposed to come back soon, and something in me made me pick up
"Mom?"
My voice came out rougher than I meant it to
"Is everything okay?"
"Valeria"
There was something in her voice immediately, a tightness she wasn't quite managing to hide
"I'm sorry to call so early. I know you probably have class"
"It's fine. What's wrong?"
There was a pause on the other end
Long enough for my stomach to tighten before she even answered
For a moment, my thoughts were pulled away from the room I'd just left
"Your father," she said finally. "He hasn't been feeling well. We took him to the clinic yesterday, and they want to run more tests. It might be nothing serious, but..."
"What kind of tests? Mom, what's going on?"
"I don't want you to worry. That's not why I'm calling"
Her voice wavered slightly, the way it always did when she was trying too hard to sound steadier than she actually felt
"The doctor mentioned his blood pressure. There are some concerns about his heart. We won't know anything more until the results come back next week"
I sank onto the edge of the guest bed and pressed my palm against my forehead
Everything from the night before suddenly felt tangled up with this new worry, and I couldn't seem to get my head around any of it
"I can come this weekend," I said. "I'll figure out my shifts"
"No, no. Don't do that"
Her answer came quickly
"There's nothing you can do here that we can't handle ourselves. I just wanted you to know, that's all"
She went quiet again
I could hear her take a breath, the kind she took before saying something she really didn't want to say
"There's something else too"
"What?"
"Your brother's school fees are due at the end of the month"
My chest tightened
"I know we said we'd manage it, but with the clinic visits, and now possibly more tests..."
She stopped herself
"I hate asking you this. You already send us so much"
"Mom, it's fine. I'll figure it out"
My voice sounded steadier than I felt
Maybe because this was something familiar
Something I knew how to deal with
"I'll pick up extra shifts at the library. I'll figure it out, the same way I always do"
She didn't argue after that
But I could hear the reluctance in her silence, that particular kind of quiet that came from a mother who hated having to ask her own child for help
"How is school?" she asked eventually, clearly trying to move the conversation onto safer ground. "You sound strange this morning"
"I'm fine. Just a long night"
I closed my eyes, guilt tightening in my chest for reasons that had nothing to do with the school fees
"I should let you go. Call me the second you hear anything about the test results, okay? Anything at all"
"I will. I promise"
Her voice softened
"I love you, Valeria. I'm sorry to burden you with this"
"You're not a burden. Never say that"
My throat tightened as I thought about my father, the money, the room I'd just walked away from and everything I still didn't know what to do with
"I love you too. Tell Dad I love him"
"We will"
We hung up a moment later
I sat there on the edge of the unfamiliar bed for a long time, my phone loose in my hand
I tried to do the math in my head, but none of the numbers seemed to stay where I put them
School fees
Clinic bills
Extra shifts
Blood pressure
And then, somehow, the memory of Alexander's hand finding mine across that small table the night before
A soft knock came at the door
"Valeria?"
Madam Hayes's voice came through the wood, completely unaware of anything that had happened beneath her roof
"Breakfast is ready whenever you're ready to come down. No rush"
I pressed both hands over my face and took a slow breath
"I'll be right down," I called back
My voice sounded much steadier than I felt
But the moment I heard her footsteps moving away down the hallway, I knew I couldn't do it
I couldn't sit across from him in broad daylight, in front of his mother, and pretend everything was normal when my entire body was screaming with embarrassment over what I'd done
I got dressed as quickly as I could, stuffed everything into my bag and slipped down the back staircase I'd noticed the night before
It was the one near the kitchen, away from the main hall
I caught the housekeeper before she could call anyone
"I'm so sorry," I said, my face burning. "Something's come up. I need to get home right away. Please tell Madam Hayes I'm sorry for rushing off like this, and thank her again for everything"
The housekeeper blinked, clearly confused, but nodded
She offered to call the driver, but I didn't wait around for him
I walked out through the front gate myself and stood there in the cool morning air, wrapping my arms around myself as I prayed no one would come looking for me before the car arrived
It didn't take long
When the car finally pulled up, I climbed inside, gave the driver my address and stared out the window for the entire ride
My stomach stayed twisted in knots
I couldn't think about anything else
I just wanted to disappear