Next To You

5

It was a Saturday and technically a rest day. No classes, no obligations, just a quiet stretch of time for herself. And yet, Jade was wide awake by 6:00 a.m., her eyes dry from lack of sleep and her thoughts as loud as ever.

She had tossed and turned all night. The silence in her bedroom felt heavier than usual, and the air was thick with thoughts she couldn’t shake off.

She lay on her side, staring at the wall, clutching her blanket close to her chest.

Why do I keep thinking about Neil? It was a question she kept asking herself. Again and again.

Every time her mind wandered, it went back to yesterday when Neil was sketching in Philosophy class, the way he looked at her with innocent eyes and said “what?”, the way he admitted so calmly that he was giving up his dream because it made things easier for his father.

She should’ve left it there. She should’ve treated it like a passing conversation, like something light and forgettable.

But she couldn’t.

Because it wasn’t just Neil she was thinking about.

It was Andre, too.

Her heart squeezed a little at the memory. Andre, her best friend since childhood. The boy who knew how to tune a guitar by ear, who scribbled lyrics in his old notebooks instead of math formulas, who once told her music made him feel alive in a way nothing else did.

And yet, he is gone now. In London. Studying business management, or international marketing, or whatever the program was called. She couldn’t remember the exact name. All she remembered was the quiet resignation in his voice when he told her.

“My dad wants me to take over the business someday. It’s just easier to do what he wants.”

Just easier.

She remembered sitting with him outside the terminal. HIs guitar case in hand, his smile a little off. They just arrived from Bicol, Jade accompanied him to his gig.

“I think this will be the last gig that I will accept. After this, I will fix my papers and visa for London”

She didn’t respond. She didn’t say anything.

Just silence. And guilt.

That guilt had taken root in her ever since. It wasn’t about not returning Andre’s feelings. It was the fact that she hadn’t done anything. Not to stop him, not to encourage him, not to even ask Are you sure you want this?

And now… here she was. Fixating on Neil. Another boy who smiled while giving up something that clearly mattered to him.

Maybe it’s not even about Neil, she thought bitterly, pulling the blanket over her head.

Maybe I just want to rewrite what happened with Andre. Maybe I want to fix the wrong I made, through someone else.

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep again. It didn’t work.

By midmorning, she gave up on lying around and got up. Her house was quiet and her parents were out grocery shopping. She dragged herself into the kitchen, made instant coffee, and sat at the dining table, still in her pajamas.

The coffee was too bitter. She didn’t care.

She opened her phone and absentmindedly scrolled through her photo gallery. Somehow, her thumb paused on an old picture of her and Andre.

They were fifteen. He was holding his guitar, and she was holding a notebook where she’d written the lyrics he helped her edit for a songwriting contest she joined (and lost). They were laughing and so carefree.

She stared at the photo for a long time.

Andre had always known what he wanted. He had always wanted music. But he was also always trying to please his father, who had made it clear that music was a hobby, not a career.

And maybe I was part of the problem, she thought. Maybe if I told him to chase it… if I told him I believed in him…

She never did.

And now he was gone, and she had no idea if he even still played the guitar at all.

Jade set the phone down and covered her face with her hands.

Her guilt was what kept her awake. It clung to her like a second skin.

And now Neil. Another boy giving up a dream because it was easier to do what his father wanted. Another talented artist with a quiet passion, trying to tuck it away like it was a side dish and not the main course of who he was.

She hated it.

She hated that it felt so familiar.

But what bothered her more was that she wanted to do something about it. She didn’t know if it was because she genuinely cared about Neil or if she was just trying to save a version of Andre.

Later that afternoon, Jade took a walk. She didn’t tell anyone and she just left her phone charging on her desk, threw on a hoodie, and slipped out of the house. The sky was still overcast, she walked without direction, letting her feet carry her through the quiet residential streets.

As she walked, memories kept playing in her head like fragments of old films.

Neil sketching in class.

Neil’s faint smile.

Andre’s voice saying, “I just didn’t want to leave without saying it.”

Andre, head tilted, strumming his guitar under the shade of their school garden tree.

Neil, staring out the window, eyes full of something he wasn’t ready to say.

It all blurred together.

At one point, she found herself sitting on a park bench in their subdivision's clubhouse. A few kids were playing at the playground, their laughter bouncing through the air. She sat still, watching them, her thoughts quieter now but settling into something more certain.

She didn’t know Neil that well. But she knew that look in someone’s eyes when they loved something but felt like they weren’t allowed to.

And this time, she didn’t want to stay silent.

When she got home, it was already past five. Her parents were back, cooking dinner in the kitchen. She said hi but didn’t stop to chat. She went straight to her room.

Her phone had two unread messages. One from Shery, asking about a lab report draft. Another from Trish, sending a meme.

She replied to both briefly, then opened her notes app.

And started writing.

She didn’t know what she was writing exactly. Not yet. But words poured out of her anyway.

Sometimes, we do the “easy” thing to make the people we love happy. But maybe chasing what we love isn’t supposed to be easy. Maybe it’s supposed to be hard and beautiful butreal.

Maybe that’s what makes it worth it.

I couldn’t tell you then, Andre. But I see it now.

And maybe this time… I won’t stay quiet.

She stared at what she’d written.

Then quietly deleted Andre’s name from the end.

Because it wasn’t just for him anymore.

The next morning, Jade woke up feeling different.

Not fully lighter, but more… clear.

The guilt didn’t vanish, but it had somewhere to go now. Somewhere to be transformed.

She sat at her desk, pulling out her journal.

There, she began sketching. Not people because she wasn’t good at that. But symbols. Concepts. Words turned into visuals.

A pencil beside a heart.

A person standing between two signs with “passion” on the left, “expectation” on the right.

A window cracked open, letting the light in.

She didn’t know what she’d do yet. She didn’t even know what she’d say to Neil when she saw him again.

But one thing was for sure.

She didn’t want to repeat her silence.