Chains Of Feelings

Chapter 2

The afternoon soon went. The time suddenly gone. Natalie shared her day with me and played games with Maria, to cooking in the kitchen. Before I helped, I watch Natalie balance everything she was doing. Cooking dinner, entertaining Maria, and working. The bride she is helping called and wanted to go over the details. Natalie never lost her step, her smile and the aura around her was light and airy.

I stepped in and helped Natalie with dinner. Maria was eating her dinner when we were cooking for ours. When Maria had finished, Natalie took her up for a bath and to get her to bed. As she went up the stairs Ruslan and Stepan came home. I heard Ruslan’s car engine coming up the drive. Then car doors opening and closing, footsteps across the floor, voices floating through the air. I heard the keys click the lock and the squeak of the door letting us know the men were home.

Stepan looked at me in the kitchen, I see he was trying to see if his girls were with me. I pointed up to say Natalie had taken Maria up. Stepan gave me a nod and ran up the stairs. Every night Stepan always made sure he was home in time for Maria’s bath and bedtime. Making sure he had time with his little one. His words.

The kitchen suddenly felt smaller, warmer, now that Ruslan was standing in it. He wasted no time coming to the kitchen to me. His arms wrapping around me, a kiss landing on top of my head. I leaned back into him, resting my head on his shoulder. Both of us finally relaxing. My closing just for a second feeling the relief that my rock, my Ruslan, back home.

I am blessed to have him, I know he can tell something is wrong, yet he respects me by not pushing, making sure the attention is off me, to let me think, to let me understand the room.

He kept his arms around me for a moment longer than usual, as if he knew I needed it. His chin stayed resting on the crown of my head. I could feel the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, a steady tempo that I tried to match with my own breathing. He didn’t ask ‘’What’s wrong?’’ or ‘’How was your day?’’ He simply existed there with me, a silent barrier between me and whatever was weighing on my mind.

The noise of the spoon against the pot was the only sound for a short quiet moment. Ruslan, I felt step back, but only far enough to reach for the plates. He began to set the table, his movements efficient and quiet. He was ‘’understanding the room’’ just as I knew he would, shifting the focus to the mundane task of dinner to give me a chance to finding my footing.

‘’So, I take it Natalie brought home her work again, I see she has put on the light in her office.’’

‘’A bride in crisis, needed to go over the details,’’ I managed to say, offering him a small, grateful smile as he took the stack of napkins from my hand. I was going to help set the table up, but Ruslan took it away from me to just concentrate on the pot. ‘’She makes it look like a dance, but I think even the best dancers get tired feet eventually.’’

He nodded, his eyes catching mine for a brief, searching second. ‘’Everyone gets tired, Elisabetta, even the strongest people you know.’’ Ruslan said this last part with his hand on the side of my face, the warmth of his palm seeping into my skin.

Before I could respond, the heavy, playful thuds of Stepan’s footsteps echoed from the floorboards above followed by the high-pitched ‘’Goodnight Daddy!’’ from Maria. The bubble we were just in had burst, bringing us back to reality, other people are here.

The household returning to its natural, chaotic state, but the weight on my chest felt just a little bit lighter now that Ruslan was standing in the same room.

Soon the dining room was a sea of warm warmth and happiness. A true family yet none of us related by blood. The smell of dinner from the chicken to the spices set the mood in the air. It amazes me to this day; how much I love this smell over my old life on what I would smell. Gunpower, the metallic smell and taste of blood as my target bled out. Damp concreates underneath me as I was set up in position for my target. The smell of wet grass if it had rained the night before. Then the food I had. I would be lucky if I got make food with seasoning. A rare treat.

After my taking, I only smell the gunpower in the training grounds. The smell of wine pulled me out of the thoughts I started to get sucked into. Stepan always had to uncork the wine for dinner. He always makes sure to never pour me a glass as I do not drink. Never been a thing of mine.

Stepan, now home was himself again. Since Maria was born he became even more serious in his role as second. No one knew he had a child, and if they did, he would go into killer mode to find out how they knew. Stepan before was feared the same as Ruslan, but a few thought they could try and overthrow Ruslan. Now people are too scared to step out of line.

Stepan had a piece of crusty bread in his hand gesturing wildly, ‘’I’m telling you, Ruslan, the man has no spine,’’ Stepan laughed, his eyes bright with the relief of being home. ‘’He looked at me, looked at the contract, and I thought he was going to wet his expensive silk trousers. I didn’t even have to raise my voice.’’

Ruslan swirled the wine in his glass, the dark liquid catching the light. To the world he was the Pakhan, the Godfather, the shadow at the top of the mountain, but here, he was just a man listening to his best friend. ‘’You didn’t have to raise your voice because you have the face of a man who enjoys his work too much, Stepan. It’s a natural deterrent.’’

Natalie chimed in, always going with the flow of the conversation. Never has she seen or been apart of this world, the mafia world, but when she met Stepan she took it all on the chin. She would go with the flow, interact with the conversations going on around her, learning what everything meant. Never has she let anything stop her, never shown it disgusted her on our professions.

‘’it’s a natural deterrent for a second date, maybe. I still don’t know how I ended up marrying you.’’ Natalie said with a wink at the end.

‘’My charm, dorogaya,’’ Stepan winked back at her, pulling her close for a quick, messy kiss to make her laugh.

As I watched them, I could feel the familiar rhythm of their banter acting like a shield. It was easy to get lost in the normalcy of it all, but my mind kept drifting back to this afternoon – to the lightness of Natalie’s world and the heavy, invisible chains of ours.

Ruslan’s hand found mine under the table. His skin was rough, the strength he had held back as he held my hand, it was incredibly gentle. He had been watching me, as he always did. The thing with me and Ruslan, we can read each other so well, knowing something wrong just by a shift of our breathing. The way we hold our shoulders, the exact moment I slipped into my own thoughts, Ruslan knew.

‘’You are too quiet tonight Kukolka,’’ he murmured, his voice low, his Russian-accented rumble that was meant only for me.

I looked up meeting his gaze. A deep breath leaving me in a small silent sigh, the laughter of Stepan and Natalie fading into the background. ‘’I’m sorry, just thinking again.’’ I said softly.

Ruslan’s other hand was on the side of my face, his thumb tracing the line of my jaw with a tenderness that would have shocked the men who feared him. shocked the bodies I left piled behind me, if they was still alive, I am sure they would have died from a heart attack seeing the soft side of me. A small private smile touched his lips; the kind of smile he only ever gave to me.

‘’Kukolka.’’ He whispered to me, only us two heard it, in our bubble. I was his little doll. From the moment we met he always called me little doll. Being Irish, I had the red hair the Irish are famous for, and my skin from never being out I was as Ruslan said, milk white he could just dip a cookie in my skin. I apparently looked like a doll and being small just helped the name.

The name always made my heart flutter, but lately it has also made it ache. To him I was his Ghost and little doll, now I am just his little doll. Ruslan has never stopped me from doing my work, he has always supported me, but when I was taken on the job, he sees me as something to be kept inn a glass case away from the world. Not that he would do it as he knows I can look after us all.

‘’I am here Kukolka, always.’’ I leaned into his touch, the weight in my chest easing just a fraction. Ruslan always knew what I needed to hear, always had the right words when I couldn’t even tell what it was. How did I get so lucky for Ruslan to find me that day at Lucio’s house.