Chains Of Feelings

Chapter 4

I moved through the garden, silent, like a shadow, like a ghost. I tried not to give away to anyone what I was doing, as I couldn’t afford questions right now. I needed to know if I see this figure or if I was seeing memories. My eyes scanned the garden for any disruption. A snapped twig, a flattened blade of grass, a single hair or fibre of wool off the coat caught on a branch or rose thorn. Ruslan and Stepan each went their own way, I watch the way Ruslan moved, efficient, guarded, but even his trained eyes had missed it. Or perhaps there was nothing to see. With them, they are trained like I am, it is their job and instincts to do so. It is how they stayed alive so long, never letting your guard down.

There was nothing I found either. The garden looked as if it hadn’t been touched. No breath had been breathed in this spot.

The earth was undisturbed, as if the figure I had seen had been made of smoke. Imagination, I told myself, just your imagination. Yet something inside me was telling me, I was wrong, that the feeling I had two years ago when Natalie’s biological parents were sniffing around, that something else was coming, something big, it feels it is making itself known.

In my line of work, I used to do, imagination was a luxury, something I was never able to have, something that would get me killed. Never had my mind wondered, it was getting the job, learn my target, kill, get paid, move on to the next. The evil scum I used to follow was not people; they were pure evil. Evil that needed to be taken out, traffickers of women and children.

I had to study my targets, learn how they twitched their shoulder, the slight limp in a foot they had, or a specific way a man reached in his pocket for an item. All details in case they had a decoy and knew I was on to them for the kill. Most times I never learned their names, just faces and patterns.

My mind has always been quiet, just move on, learn new things since being with Ruslan, yet now after a couple of years my mind is creating a rhythm, keeping silent, not telling me who this ghost is that I see this morning. What is my mind trying to tell me. Please God, help me, keep us all safe.

I stood there for a moment longer, my lungs pulling in the sharp crispy morning air, trying to force my heart to match the stillness of the garden. I need to lock this away, it was in my imagination, and I cannot let the past chase me; they are dead, I am alive. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath again, relaxing my body and making sure my eyes never gave away anything. It took Ruslan a long time to stop my eyes from looking dead, the eyes my prey always saw first and last. The Ghosts eyes. Since our wedding Ruslan has made it his mission to show me life, what I had never done as a child or adult, he taught me emotions, how to be a human, not a killing machine. My eyes softened with the changes in me.

Walking back to the patio, with my hands in my pockets, I could feel the cold sharp blade of my knives, my gun pressing into my back as I put it in the waist band. I may be experiencing pain again in my arm, but I will never leave the house without my weapons. One slip in this world and you are good as dead.

Ruslan came over to me, taking my hand walking us back to the patio. I could feel his stare, he knew something was going on, but the good thing with Ruslan, he respects me enough to wait for me to tell him. But how I am to tell him - his wife - me, that I maybe going crazy? The past ghosts are chasing me.

Ruslan squeezed my hand one last time before we reached the patio. He and Stepan were staying home today, they will be working from their home office. The guards will be debriefed about the week and if any of them need to go on a job. Which reminds me, Vlad isn’t here. He and Chrissy have moved in together at her place so she could finish university, an agreement he made with her dad, my uncle Micky. She should be finishing with university soon.

‘’Hey, Elisabetta, are you still joining me and Maria going to town? I need to get the stuff for my clients wedding venue.’’ Natalie asked pulling me out of my thoughts. This was perfect, Vlad and Chrissy lived so close to town I could make a quick stop and remind Vlad of the briefing today.

Quickly getting myself ready, Natalie headed to the car to get Maria strapped in. of course Stepan was with them even though we are just going to gone for a couple of hours max. Ruslan, was stood behind me, a solid presence grounding me.

‘’Kukolka, I know something is wrong, I will be here if you want to talk. I promise I will not turn on you, I will listen and help.’’ Ruslan saying this to me, it felt like a punch to the gut, but fluttered my heart. This man, what would I do without him. him saying

this made my eyes well up. The punch to the gut was from the fear I felt of him calling me crazy, the flutter to my heart made me want to cry with how blessed I am to have him.

I do not know why I have this fear. Never have we kept any secrets from each other. Ruslan knows me inside and out. Like an onion, he has peeled every layer of me. our marriage has been raw, real, true. No hidden agendas, no secrets, no trying to up one another, just raw, unfiltered us. The real us.