A God called Bruce

Call me Bruce

Days later I was sitting again on the back veranda of my small cottage in East Sydney, with a beer in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of me trying to write. Suddenly there was a flash and this bloke was sitting on the other side of the table. He wore shorts, thongs, a battered Akubra hat and a tee shirt with a can of Victoria Bitter on it. It had to be Bruce, the Australian God of Booze, Barbeques and Backyard Dunnies.

Before he had a chance to say or do anything I reached into the fridge, got a can of beer and put it in front of him.

"At least you got some manners, Mate. Thanks."

He popped the can and took a deep draft.

"Now what is this I hear about you flashing your prick at my daughter?"

"She just wanted to see a human body, Sir."

"I figured it was her who started it. Did she strip for you?"

"Yes, Sir." I didn't think it was advisable to lie to a God, even an ocker Aussie God.

"First of all, drop that Sir s**t, call me Bruce. I hate it when they call me Your Majesty, Lord, Sir and all that bullshit. Bruce will do fine. Now tell me, did you like what you saw?"

"Very much so Si... Bruce."

"You look like a decent fellow to me. You got beer, a barbeque, even a backyard dunny. This place is like a f*****g temple to me." He pointed at the toilet. "Does the dunny work?"

"Yes, it does."

"Good, get us another beer while I go for a piss."

I grabbed another couple of cans and put them on the table while Bruce did his business. I didn't know anything about Gods. This guy was just a regular Aussie bloke, the kind you find in every pub. I could handle that. I liked him.

When he got back I lit a cigarette and then tossed him the packet and the lighter just to see what he would do. He shook a fag out, lit it and leaned back with a big grin as he cracked his can.

"You know, I wouldn't have minded if you had given Lil a root. Might have made her a bit less uppity. Pity it can't be done."

"What do you mean, can't be done? I thought you guys were Gods, you could do anything."

"Almost anything, my boy. The problem is that fucker Zeus, the Top God. He stuffed that up for us."

"What for?"

"Well it goes back a long time. If there ever was a stickman in the universe it was Zeus. He'd get up anything. After he had a few Demigods running around he had fathered, Hera, his wife, got a bit weary. He had to do all kinds of weird s**t just to get a stray root. He turned himself into a bull and screwed Europa and then into a swan so he could knock off Leda. Anyway, Hera found out about that s**t too and got mightily pissed off.

"What made it worse was that all the other Gods were not much better. They were knocking off Sheilas and putting them up the duff, creating Demigods everywhere; and it wasn't just the guys. Goddesses were getting pregnant by humans and Gods were getting sloppy seconds from their wives."

"What happened then?"

"Well, Hera gave Zeus an ultimatum. In the end Zeus put a hex on us that every time we wanted to root a human and it was getting too close to actual physical contact we would fade out of the human realm. We would simply disappear for them. There were a lot of blue balls around for a while but it settled down and now there is a lot more peace at home."

"Does that mean I can't see Lil any more?"

"No, you can see her if she wants you to. You just can't screw her. If you guys get too horny all you can do is look at each other and wank. Done that a few times myself. Not very good but better than nothing."

"You guys invented cybersex. I like this. Hang on for a few minutes Bruce, I need to go across the road to get us some more beer, we're out."

Bruce waved his hand and there was a slab of beer on the table. I opened the carton to put the cans in the fridge and Bruce laughed.

"Boy, I am a God of booze. If I can conjure up a slab of beer I can f*****g well keep the bastards cold without a f*****g fridge. You getting hungry, Mate?"

"Yeah, let me have a look what I've got in the kitchen."

"No need." He waved his hand again and there were a couple of kangaroo fillets roasting on the barbie and an assortment of tubs with salads and side dishes on the table.

"I hope you like a bit of Skippy, Mate, haven't had any for a while. Thought this was a good occasion."

We were into can number seven or eight when we had a visitor. She wasn't accompanied by a flash or anything, she simply appeared. She looked like a more mature version of Lil, the same long legs the same pert t**s and the same kissable mouth. She wasn't smiling though, she looked royally pissed off.

She started straight in on Bruce, calling him all the names under the sun and carrying on about him being on the piss again. I thought that was a good time to make myself scarce and crept into the kitchen when they weren't looking my way. Thinking that she was supposed to be the Goddess of hen parties I decided she might respond to a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits. I put everything on a small tray and went out on the veranda during a lull in the fighting.

"I thought you might like a cup of tea and a biscuit, Dear." With that I put the tray on the table and pulled a chair up next to where I was sitting. "Sit down, Darling, and have some," I said, looking her straight in the eyes.

"You must be that miscreant who tried to seduce my daughter. And, to add insult to injury, you go on the piss with my husband. God, how I despise you men."

I don't know whether it was the beer or her attitude that prompted it. Anyway, I stepped up to her, gave her a big hug, kissed her on the cheek and said: "I love you too, Darling."

She froze. She just stood there and stared at me, too stunned to say or do anything. Then Bruce started to laugh. He was howling with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks and as he laughed and laughed Marge's features softened and a thin smile came on her lips. Her eyes that had flashed at me in anger before showed kindness and something akin to amusement. "Thank you," she whispered, sat down and poured herself some tea.

Marge turned out to be a brilliant conversationalist. She could talk with authority on any number of subjects. I was fascinated with her knowledge. Rarely had I enjoyed talking so much with anyone. She seemed to love it too. Bruce said very little, having her off his back was enough for him. It was late afternoon and the sea breezes had set in. It was getting rather cool and I was about to suggest we move indoors when a leaf blew off a tree and into Marge's hair. Without thinking I reached out to remove it, when to my surprise Marge faded out and disappeared.

Bruce started laughing again. In between bouts of laughter he said "I don't believe it. That shrivelled up prune got horny." I waited until he had worn himself out laughing and asked him what it was that he found so amusing.

"Well, you saw how she disappeared. It was when you quite innocently tried to remove the leaf from her hair. That's when Zeus' hex cut in. She must have been real horny for you, in fact her snatch would have had to be dripping for the hex to cut in like that. This will rattle her. She hasn't let any man f**k her in over three hundred years."

"But I didn't do anything," I said weakly.

"You didn't have to. Jeez, I'm going to have fun with this one. This has been the best party for centuries. You can call me any time. I better get going though."

He waved his hand and all the trash disappeared, the table and barbeque was spotless and there were five slabs of beer stacked next to the fridge.

"See you later, Boy, thanks for the party and don't forget to call. Cheerio," and he was gone.