Magnificent Realm

Chapter 1: Alexithymia

Few days have passed but I decided to ignore her even though she's extremely bothering me. We would always meet eyes but I would always be the first one to cut it. I don't know what's happening and I'll probably never know it unless I talk to her. But looking at her just reminds me of the past. "Why are you here?" I asked her. "That's not the right question, love." She smiled genuinely. "What do you mean?" I asked as my two brows met. "You should be asking how I got here." She pursed her lips. "Then how did you get here?" I asked curiously. She became serious all of a sudden. Is she alright? Why does her mood change so quickly? I didn't write her this way. "I don't know." She declares without humor. "You tell me what the hell is happening. Where am I? and, why am I here?" She asked calmly. She's so calm. It's so not her. "What do you know?" I asked in a serious manner. She scanned the whole room that we're in before she answered. "All I know is that my whole family's dead. Suddenly I am here and you're the first person that I saw. So tell me everything that you know because I will not be patient with you." She said with a bit of an angry tone. "And why would I explain to you? I'm never asking you to be patient with me." I said calmly. Suddenly, her expressions changed. It became...soft, again. "But I will be because I need you. You're the only person who knows me here. please? please help me." She held my hand desperately while her tears are going down from her eyes. Too bad it's never gonna work for me. But to my surprise, she kneels down and hugged my knees. "I don't know what to do. My family's all dead. They're the only reason why I'm living. I don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing in my possession. My family's all dead but I'm here in a completely different place knowing nothing just their death. I don't even know how I came here. Please..." Tears are pooling down her eyes. My heart began to ached. Is it guilty? Am I guilty? I don't know. I have so many questions too. I wanted to tell her that but I don't want to add another puzzle to her mind. "I will tell you everything I know but don't expect it to answer all of your questions." She stretched her lips for a big smile then hugged me tightly. So tight that I cannot breathe anymore, but I didn't stop her. "Thank you so much! Thank you so so much!" She said happily at last. I stared at her lips. It has the biggest smile that I have ever seen in my life. Is she that happy to smile so brightly? How does it feel to be that happy? I sighed deeply. Here I go again with my questions. I wanted to smile for her too...but I can't. I'll just make her uneasy like everyone else. I suddenly remember that day. I am an only child. But my parents' attention was never fully mine. They worked so hard that they always forget that I exist. They didn't even notice that there's something wrong with me already at an early age. I was six years old when a family of one of my father's business partners visited our house. My mother and father welcomed them. It's a family comprised of a mother, a father, and a daughter. My mother asked for me and she introduced me to them. However, I'm not interested so I just gave them a boring look. My father bragged about how intelligent I am even though some of it is exaggerated. And just like that, they acknowledge my existence for the first time in my life. I understand what they want me to do though. They want me to play with their business partner's daughter and accompany her so they can talk about whatever they want to talk about. I stared at the family in front of us. The mother is hugging her daughter, afraid that her daughter might catch a cold because of our air-conditioned living room. The father would gaze at them every second he gets while talking to my father. It was a picture of a happy family. I was in a garden with their daughter. She's talking so much nonsense that I cannot understand. She's bragging about how rich they are but I know she's just exaggerating. That her family can buy anything they wanted to have. She's wrong. You can't buy everything because not everything is for sale. She's just my age but I can tell that she's a brat. Suddenly, she tripped while bragging about her "expensive" toys. Her knees are full of blood while she's crying. Honestly, what's there to cry when you're the stupid one who tripped yourself? I just stared at her. Looking at her wound. It amazes me actually. I have never seen a wound like that in my life because I never had a wound before. Just like that, our parents suddenly came and saw me just staring at the wounded girl while she's crying. They asked me why I didn't help her so I said, "I'm curious." The brat's dad yelled at me, "What are you curious about, huh? Your friend is hurt!" Friend? "She's not my friend," I said then walked out of the garden. That's the first time my parents thought there's something wrong with me. At first, they thought I'm just simply rude. But when my mom saw me watching a horror movie where a serial killer is killing every random person that would piss him without blinking an eye for every traumatic scene at the age of seven, they realized something. It just got worse when I started to go to school because they thought socializing would help me at least since I am homeschooled. One student in our class was being bullied by a group of students while everybody would laugh at him. One day, I interrupted them because the teacher asked me to say an announcement. The bullies stopped and looked at me with a cocky smile. Someone in their group started slapping me for not minding my own business because they thought I'm siding with that student who's called a loser by the whole class. That one guy, in particular, throws punches and kicks at me, waiting for a reaction that would satisfy them. "Who the f**k are you to stop us?!" He shouted at me while throwing punches. At first, he's having fun but when he realized that I'm not giving him any vague expressions, he got angry. He throws harder punches at me but he was never satisfied even though I'm already on the floor because I never gave him an expression that he expects me to have. "f*****g CRY ASSHOLE!!" He shouted even more angrily. The teacher came but he never stopped kicking me. The teacher shouts and he stopped. Not because of the teacher's shout but because I looked at him directly in his eyes with my signature blank expression. "You're a psychopath!" He declared that starts all the rumors about me in school. My body actually hurts a lot. I felt so much physical pain that made me stay in hospital for almost a month. That boy was expelled. That's the last thing that I remember from that memory. The doctor said I have alexithymia. Alexithymia is when a person has difficulty identifying and expressing emotions. The doctor added that while the condition is not well-known, it's estimated that 1 in 10 people has it. In 1972, Peter Sifneos introduced to psychiatry the term alexithymia, which (derived from the Greek) literally means having no words for emotions (a=lack, lexis=word, thymos=emotions). This is the reason why I cannot process nor express any emotions. Some people even called me names like "the psychopath from a rich family", "monster", etc. without knowing anything. I'm not a monster like whatever they are talking about. I just have a small amygdala compared to the normal size. The amygdala helps coordinate responses to things in your environment, especially those that trigger an emotional response. This structure plays an important role in fear and anger. So unlike every normal person, I can't express any emotions especially those intense emotions. But I'm curious, what's the real definition of a normal person that they are talking about? Aren't we all insane?