My diary - Real Life

year of 2020

-10/02/2020

I decided to take a shower and meditate. As I began meditating, a voice appeared to me. It was the voice of a man, carrying a calm and grounded aura, though there was a somber weight to him.

He showed me a vision of myself and said:

“Here you are, giving others advice on how they can handle their situations and walk their paths correctly, yet you are not applying it to your own life. That shows a lack of self-respect and self-value—to pour your time and energy into others, but neglect to invest the same into yourself.”

He continued, “It’s the same with your book. You wonder why you feel blocked and unable to write. It’s because you are offering others the wisdom you’ve yet to fully apply to your own life first.”

Then, I heard a quote in Morgan Freeman’s voice:

“You see, humankind likes to rush their destiny—worried, stressed, and constantly questioning everything around them, waiting for an answer as if the answer isn’t already presenting itself. Mankind doesn’t realize the answer lies within, or they aren’t yet aware that it does.”

And then, the final message:

“Breathe. What is destined to be, will be. The answers will reveal themselves when God feels you are ready to truly receive them.”

-June, 2020

A world of anger, war, and discrimination,

Hearts that are cold, full of frustration.

The more we work on ourselves, the more we forget about everyone else—

The poor, the lonely, and the one with nothing to eat.

Convinced by our own ego, while our neighbor fights for his life,

Most of the time, going through chemo.

A world full of anger, war, and discrimination,

While others fight for their lives, we choose to live unsatisfied,

Instead of having a little appreciation.

-29/06/2020

Last night, I had an interesting and revealing dream.

First, I found myself on a big modern street. Wedding venues lined both sides, grand and luxurious, clearly meant for the rich. My own wedding had been canceled. I didn’t bother walking to the end of the street.

Suddenly, I was on a bridge. Below, a lake stretched out where families and children swam and sat by the water. People crowded the bridge, laughing, enjoying themselves. But I hesitated—I had a fear of heights. I saw some girls I knew crossing and asked if I could hold onto them to walk over. They kindly agreed.

Then, on the left, someone started screaming.

“There are dead people here!”

I already had a feeling that something wasn’t right.

We kept walking toward the end of the bridge. Families were still relaxing by the water, unaware. Then, another person rushed over and shouted:

“This water isn’t clean! Rats are swimming here!”

Everyone who had been in the water reacted with disgust, looking at their feet—something about their feet. Some hurried out of the water, while others remained.

Later that day, we had dinner. Afterward, we ordered ice cream—sorbets and cornets. I made sure to let everyone else take theirs first. Then, I thought, I’d enjoy my own. Nobody seemed to notice or care about my kindness. I had saved a raspberry sorbet for myself, along with a sundae. Even if no one appreciated my gesture, I didn’t mind—I was excited to finally eat mine. I ran inside, eager.

But when I got there, my ice cream was gone.

I asked where it was.

Someone replied, “One is in the trash. The other one… I don’t know.”

I was furious.

-Somewhere in August, 2020

Dear world and its humankind,

In six days you were ready. Your nature has been set. Plants grew quick from the seeds. Your water flowing freely from the sky and from the oceans.

Dear humankind, your smile, your kind words and gestures, the love you give out and the inspiration you give me. In nine months you were ready. Your time has come to be born, to explore the world, to make a difference.

Dear humankind, your time has come to shed your light onto others in need. The time has come for you to open your eyes and realize the gift of this life that has been given to you.

-13/10/2020

P. You touched me deeply. I am tired, of everything, but I am not disappointed in God. He is still number one.

K. Why? Why? The same question to my blood and also to my so-called friends. Why me?

K. Why did you choose me as your victim, and why was I not… …worthy of love, but only of hate?

Why always me, and what have I ever done to you to deserve this? Why did you leave nothing behind but scars… …were true, beautiful memories too expensive?

Why don’t you do this to the people who actually deserve it? And why do I always have to lose and carry the consequences… …while you have already forgotten how deeply your bullets struck?