Kind Hearts And Martinets Collection

Chapter 18

Pugwash sprung to attention as if Jack was an Admiral boarding the office, no discordant whistle, just a proffered hand. Not a good sign Jack thought, a bit like the kiss of death when a football club owner announces the manager has his full support. Jack returned the limp, clammy handshake. ‘Captain Little...man,’ dragging the name. Jack resisted wiping his hand under his armpit, thinking, how can a bloke rise to Captain in the Navy with a handshake like that? Pugwash was a tall, wiry man, about fifty, thinning hair he had cropped, probably ginger at sometime, but despite his height, he did not impress and seemed to know this, leaning forward to greet; must think it compensates. He had a weak chin and a slippery persona, and Jack thought he was like an erect Uriah Heap but without the humbleness, indeed the contrary, he was a self-engrossed martinet.

‘Please, call me John,’ a cheesy grin, which Jack retuned with brass knobs, thinking, I could throw up all over you mate.

‘Then you must call me Jane, John,’ Jack said and noticed the Commander roll his eyes, probably wondering why he"d not told him to stay away for a couple of hours. Jack could tell him, a mixture of fear of this naval tosspot, and a lack of empathy due to the rarefied air in the dizzy heights of the police upper chevrons. When do you stop being a copper and become a knob-head? No councillors here, Jack noted, relieved.

Pugwash indicated to sit down, mentioning he probably meant echelons, which Jack ignored as churlish and not at all manly, listening in on his personal thoughts, and not understanding how the Commander could let this man take over his office. Big Society, he supposed, where, in Jack’s view, jumped up middle-class turds assumed they ruled the roost regardless of ability to do so, and only because they thought it their birthright. Come the resolution, Jack thought, maybe in C&A’s tonight. He thought of Alice, then Martin, the little girl, Biscuit, and his only marginally elevated mood, spiralled.

Jack took the seat by the wall, more or less where he sat when he was with Mandy yesterday morning, only a floor higher, and he looked out of the window. He could see the top of Mandy’s tree swaying in a stiff breeze, verdant, that strange sunlight you get when a storm is brewing, and it was. This seat also allowed him to direct his gammy eye to the Captain and his two ladies in waiting, aware they found this discomforting. At a previous meeting they had insisted he wear an eye patch; bollocks, he’d thought.

The ugly sisters were two obese women of a supercilious fat nature, totally obsessed with Pugwash, their officer hero, and from where Jack sat, if he turned his good eye, he could see their arses rolling over the chair sides; they were not comfortable. Playfully, Jack moved some, to see if he could get them to roll over. Now that would lighten his mood.

‘Come and join us at the table, Jack,’ Pugwash smarmed.

Supercilious tart, Jack thought. ‘Thank you, John, but I’ve got s**t on me shirt.’

The ugly sisters sniffed the air; no change in visage.

The telephone rang and Pugwash shaped to pick it up, but the Commander beat him, and with crossed eyebrows and a face that looked like someone had stolen his doughnuts, ‘Are you sure one of the patrol cars has not run it over accidentally? Okay, Sid, if I get a chance, I’ll raise it with Jack.’

‘Problem, Sir?’

The Commander looked to the ceiling for his doughnuts. ‘Shall we get on?’

Pugwash was raring to go, ‘You can be under no illusion as to why I have summoned you, Inspector Austin.’

‘Call me, Jane, and I’m completely at a loss, John, perhaps you’d be kind enough to enlighten me, and as fast as you can, there’s a good boy, I’m very busy.’

More eye rolling, and under his breath the Commander tried to get Jack’s attention, ‘Please, Jack, and your shirt is whiffing.’

Pugwash unfolded a copy of the Evening News and made like he was ironing it with the flat of his hand. He pointed to an article, which Jack had not read but surmised the content, ‘I’m still unsure of your drift, Captitano?’ Jack was thinking of his deckachairo.

Evening News‘Jack!’

Jack wanted to say to the Commander if the wind changed direction, his eyes would stay like Pugwash’s face, which was showing barely contained rage, jaw sinews taut, teeth gritted.

‘I will read it to you, Inspector.’ And Pugwash read the article after which he sat back, tapped his fingers on the smoothed newspaper, and applied a look meant to convey all should now be completely clear. ‘What have you to say, Inspector?’

Jack engaged the captain’s eyes. Pugwash dodged them and looked down as if to scan the paper again. ‘Well, amateur dramatics are not my thing, but I would say you read that tolerably well.’

‘Jack, pleeeeease,’ the Commander hissed.

Pugwash"s cheeks bloomed as he climbed onto an even higher horse, ‘What irritates me most about you, Inspector, is you never learn your lessons. Your arrogance and insolent behaviour a clear indication you have no respect for this committee, and me, as Chairman. You do realise the power I have? It was my recommendation you were demoted from Chief Inspector to Inspector three years ago. The idea of you sitting on this committee, when you grace us with your presence that is, was to enlighten you as to how to conduct yourself in future.’ Pugwash stepped off his horse, looking like it was a job well done.

The Commander squirmed as Jack constructed an inquisitive face, checked with his hand, and approved, ‘Captain, am I correct in assuming you believe it was me who gave the quote to the paper?’

Pugwash leaned forward, hands flat on the desk in front of him, bum off the chair leaning towards Jack, simultaneously raising his voice to a higher register, seething, ‘I know you did, everyone is familiar with your political views.’

Jack felt comfortable he had Pugwash sufficiently riled, twisted his lips, as if to give the impression he was taking the man seriously; he was a good lip twister, practiced in the mirror. ‘Captain, I am a police officer of long standing with a good record, which has been, I admit, varnished since you became Chairman of the Police Committee. I will not insult your intelligence by brandying insults other than to say, if I were to persecute a case with the only proof being a Captain in the Royal Navy, knows so, frankly, I would be laughed out of court. I’m not sure what it’s like in the Navy, although I have inkling, but in Civvy Street, we need proof. I take it you have a signed statement from the journalist to back this up?’

knows soThe ugly sisters looked confused, wondering why he would want to persecute a case, but there was hope on the face of the Commander, accustomed to the malacopperisms. Pugwash fixed his grimace. ‘No, but I think everyone around this table knows this is you.’ He rattled the paper as if this proved his point, and the ugly sisters nodded affirmation; their faces wobbled.

The Commander found some courage, ‘Jack makes a fair point, the article does say “anonymous source,” so unless you have proof?’

Pugwash shouted his response, ‘I will not let this go, Sir. I will be recommending the Inspector is further demoted and I will make this happen.’ Pugwash reddened more as the anger flushed through his rusty face.

Jack stood, Pugwash flinched, and the Commander jumped up, thinking Jack was going to punch the Captain, but Jack was calm and collected. He relaxed, ever so slightly; with Jack you have to take respite when you can. Jack spoke, ‘Captain, you make a fair point.’ There appeared a slight easing of the Pugwash sinews; clearly he did not know Jack. ‘I do not respect you, but let me tell you a story. I was asked to attend a school prize-giving recently and the main speaker, who should have been me, of course, was an Admiral in your Navy. The point of his talk to the children was he is often asked what it takes to command his battle feet, or something like that, I wasn’t really listening as I had the hump, but the point was, why do men follow him? Was it clearness of strategy? Calmness under pressure? There were a couple of others, but frankly, I was only just getting interested when he answered. “All of these, but you cannot get any of them until you have earned the respect of your spordinates.” The point is Captain Little...man, I do not respect you or your position on this committee because you have not earned it, and as for learning my lessons, the only lesson I have learned from you is that it takes a very little man indeed to feel he has to raise himself up by putting other people down. You abuse your power and your position, and as long as you continue to do this, you will never have my respect as a Chairman, but more importantly, as a man. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m in the middle of a serious investigation.’

Jack spun and strode to the door, but before he could get to the handle, the Captain called after him, ‘Inspector, may we know the nature of this investigation, the urgency of which compels you to feel it necessary to leave this meeting before I have dismissed you?’

Jack turned, looked at the Commander, and raised his working eyebrow to indicate, Commander may I? To which the Commander shrugged his shoulders; what the hell. Jack sauntered back to the table, leaned on it with both hands flat, his arms locked straight, and lowered his head through his shoulders to look Pugwash straight in the eye, a foot from his face, and this meant the ugly sisters had a close up of the gammy eye. They could see every pucker and wrinkle, the white vertical scar that picked up the light, iridescent, the noticeable twitch like the non-existent dead eye was trying to get out and bite them on their snooty noses. Jack swung his good eye to the ladies whilst he allowed his dramatic pause to have the desired effect; they jumped backwards in their seats risking metal fatigue. ‘Okay, but if this is leaked to the press, I will know where it came from...’ paused for more dramatic effect, and let his eye linger, ‘do I have your word on this?’ an elevated voice, forceful and direct.

Commander may I?‘You do, Inspector, we know how this works, but do you?’ Pugwash smarmed, showing he was not intimidated.

‘And you ladies?’

‘Yes, Inspector,’ well-schooled sycophant elephants.

‘Last night, somebody stole my bike.’ The stunned silence was violated as Jack expelled a raucous guffaw into their collective faces, backed towards the door like he was leaving the presence of the Queen, and for his piece of resistance, and in a highly effected, aristocratic, and effeminate voice, ‘I take no leave of you, Sir. I offer no compliments to your family. I am most seriously displeased,’ a lovely bit of Lady Catherine De Burgh, PP, probably his best, and Mandy and Jo had missed it. Back to the table in two big strides, ‘Goodbye, John.’ Jack stuck his hand out, and the Captain, without thinking, shaped to shake, but Jack dodged the hand, laughed at the i***t in front of him, stood to attention, saluted his Benny Hill salute, and left, closing the door gently behind him. He had learned a long time ago, a gently shut door said more than the slammed version.

Benny Hill Jack bounced down the stairs and plunged through the door of the Community Policing room; one step inside, he saw the whole team assembled. They had probably been talking things through, but Jack suspected it was the meeting upstairs first on the agenda if the abrupt silence was anything to go by. Jack’s first move was to go to Nobby, ‘How you doing, sunshine? I was proud of you today.’ Nobby reddened, but his chest grew a couple of inches. ‘Alice Springs, thanks for your back up, and for last night.’ To the team, he waved his arms, ‘I apologise for not informing you all. In mitigation, I was playing a hunch, and as Jo-Jums will tell you, those seldom pan out.’ Looked to Jo, and swinging his gaze to encompass the team, landing finally on Nobby and Alice, was there something between those two, God help Nobby if there is, ‘You see, I get a twitching in my eye, this will not go away, it starts to hurt and then I know...’ pause for effect, ‘...someone is shagging in the back and I can catch ‘em at it, so Nobby and Alice Springs, be warned.’

The office erupted into a roar of laughter, which Jack hoped would be audible in the Commander’s office, and he was further rewarded to see Paolo enjoying the jest. Nobby blushed and Alice looked at him with affection in her eyes, bless that girl; watch out, Nobby lad, she has her eye on you. Jack remained on his feet and, as the laughter subsided, ‘We have serious work to do, but I think a moment’s silence to remember Biscuit and his family, God love ‘em.’

There was total silence, heads bowed in reflection and respect; this could have been anyone of them.

Pugwash rammed the door open, and it slammed against the wall, he’d come to assert his power. ‘Austin, I’m going to have you,’ and he straight-arm pointed his finger at Jack as if to explain to everyone who he was talking to, ‘you’ll be a constable before the week is out,’ and he stood rigid in the ensuing silence, not respect, but of dread.

Mandy made to move to Jack, Jo-Jums close behind, the mist had clouded in Jack; the familiar signs recognised, but too late as he spun and lunged, grabbed the lapels of the Captain’s jacket and pushed him all of ten feet to the wall. Pugwash back peddling, trying to keep his balance, was slammed against the wall. Jack was spitting bullets and seething hot breath through clenched teeth, drilling invective into the Captain’s face, ‘You filthy, dirty, cowardly, bollocky, knob-head, wanker of a scumbag, we lost an officer today, murdered, shot on duty, wife and two young kids, a dad, colleague, friend, so stick that in your ship’s funnel, and if you ever come into my room mouthing off like you’re on a f*****g poop deck again, so help me God, I will throw you out of that window. Now f**k-off.’ He released the jacket and pointed to the door, his eye never leaving Pugwash’s eyes, sensed his energy dissipating as he turned to the cowering ugly sisters, vigour sapped, and quietly, he said, ‘You two, go and orchestrate your Fat-Wah.’

The laughter erupted as Pugwash and the two wobbly women exited.

As the hilarity subsided, Mandy put her arm around Jack’s waist, well as far as it would go. ‘How’re the anger management classes going?’ she asked, eliciting another notch of laughter. ‘Call me old-fashioned but you may have made an enemy there, and if you want me to tell you where that enmity was made, I think it was, “bollocky, knob-head wanker.” ’ More raucous laughter that Jack hoped was heard by the terrible trio as they headed off.

The Commander was standing at the door, unruffled. ‘Jack, I will do everything in my power to save you. The man is definitely a “bollocky knob-head wanker.” Now, can I ask you to get on with the serious stuff and I’ll watch your back.’

Nobby’s chest grew a little more as the Commander was applauded, remembering Jack had said his dad had been a good copper before he became a t**t.