The Enforcer or The Mafia Prince

Chapter 37

"Jessica, thank God I found someone."

"What's wrong, Emma?"

Jessica had left the gym and was about to get on the elevator when Emma rushed out carrying a sleeping baby. Her movements were erratic, and she was panting. Jess worried something terrible had happened.

"I didn't know what to do. Jimmy's out with Tristan right now. I have no one else to help. My mom won't be free for another hour."

Jessica looked around and pulled Emma to the side so they wouldn't block the elevator. The last time she saw her, Emma appeared relaxed and happy. This frazzled behavior worried Jess.

"Emma, I don't understand. Take a breath. I'll help; just tell me what's wrong."

Emma inhaled and forced herself to slow down, "Here's the thing. I got a call from work. Someone quit without notice. I'm the only other person with administrative access to a program we use. I need to run to the office. Can you watch the baby? I'll only be gone an hour."

"Sure, Emma. I have time. If you're going to be later than that, text me so I can move something." Emma interrupted Jessica with a one-armed hug. "Oh, no, don't do that. I'm all sweaty; I'll ruin your blouse."

Emma dragged Jessica down to her apartment on the fourth floor. The entire way, she kept bouncing the infant in her arms. Emma explained that when she stopped, the baby got fussy. She apologized for the situation again. Jessica did her best to reassure Emma that everything would be fine.

"Is this your first time leaving the baby with someone other than Jimmy or your mom?"

"You can tell," she asked, knitting her eyebrows together. Emma led Jess into the apartment. It had a similar layout to the one she stayed minus a third room. Jimmy and Emma had decorated their home with a lake house theme. It seemed appropriate since they were almost right on Lake Michigan.

Emma passed the baby to Jess, "He shouldn't need a bottle, but there's milk in the fridge. His diapers and things are on the changing table by his bed. If he gets sick or makes a mess, his bath seat is clean and on the vanity. He has clean-"

"Emma, I got it. If something happens, I'll call you. Is there anything I absolutely should not do?"

"No," Emma said, grabbing her purse and putting on a coat. "He'll want you to keep rocking him. That's it."

"Okay, go put out your fire. I'll be here."

"Thank you again, Jess."

Emma left Jessica in the quiet condo. Jess carried the baby to his room.

"Hi, sweet one. I don't know your name, but I'm Jess," she cooed. "I know you're not going like this, but I have to set you down. I'm all sweaty and need to clean up a bit." Sure enough, as soon as Jess placed him in his bassinet, the baby started crying.

"I know, I know. I don't want to put you down either," she said.

Jess hurried over to the changing table and grabbed a baby wipe. She rushed to wipe off her sweat and then ran to the bathroom to properly wash her hands. She didn't have anything to change into. She settled for placing a burping cloth over her shirt. The moment Jess picked him up again, he settled down.

"See, that wasn't so bad."

She carried the baby into the living room. Careful not to squish him, Jess settled onto the pale blue couch. The baby made a woo sound and snuggled into Jess. He was adorable, despite being fussy.

"What should we do? Do you like documentaries? You're never too little to start learning. Let's see."

Any time Jess slowed or stopped rocking, he'd start whimpering. Emma was right that he'd give her a workout. Jess felt grateful she didn't have weightlifting today. Jessica flipped through the channels. She didn't like reality t.v. and thought that anything war-related might not be best for the baby. The Discovery Channel was airing something about domesticated pets. Jess felt that was appropriate for a child. The baby fell asleep in her arms. Jess tiptoed to the crip and placed him inside. She sat in the rocker next to him and fell asleep.

Emma returned on the hour mark to a quiet apartment. She entered the baby's room to find Jess and her newborn fast asleep. Remembering that Jessica had things to do that afternoon, Emma shook her awake. Bleary-eyed, Jess awoke in an unfamiliar room.

"Hmm? Emma?"

"I just walked in," she whispered. Emma bobbed her head, signaling Jessica to follow.

Once they were out in the kitchen, Emma thanked Jess again.

"Were you able to settle everything with work?"

"Yeah, they only needed me to key in a code and assign someone a temporary pass. They're fine now."

"Good, good." Jessica yawned.

"How'd you get him to fall asleep?" Jess's ability to comfort the baby amazed Emma.

"He seemed to enjoy the sound of the speaker in the documentary," Jess pointed to the t.v. It was still on the pet documentary. There wasn't a lot of background noise, and the narrator's voice was soothing.

"I'll have to try that next time. I don't watch documentaries; it was the one thing we hadn't tried."

Jess remembered she had an appointment with Dr. Malone. "What time is it?"

"Almost one thirty. Am I back too late," Emma asked. She was afraid she put Jess out.

"You're right on time. I hope you don't mind that I used a baby wipe and a towel while I was here. I didn't want to handle the baby while I was all dirty."

"Oh, you're fine. I appreciate you thinking about that."

Jessica explained that she couldn't hang out. She had an appointment with Dr. Malone in a few minutes. Emma tried to pay Jess for her trouble, but she refused. The baby wasn't any trouble. All Jessica had done was watch a few minutes of t.v. and take a nap. Less than five minutes after parting ways, Jess was sitting across from Dr. Malone.

"Good afternoon, Jessica. How are you today?"

Jess sat on the familiar couch, uncomfortable that she didn't get a chance to change. "I'm okay. I helped someone before coming, so I wasn't able to change. I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to apologize."

"Thank you, Cathy," Jessica recalled that Dr. Malone didn't like formality. "So, where do we start today?"

"Did you do the homework I assigned you last time?"

"I did," Jessica pouted. She pulled her phone out of her back pocket. "Since we last met, there are four things that made me feel guilty. But, before I explain, you don't tell Ciaran anything I tell you?"

"No, Jess. I've made my position to Ciaran quite clear. I will not divulge anything I'm told in confidence. Not to mention, you have the right to protected information. I promise I don't tell him anything."

"Well, I've felt selfish for unloading my troubles on my friend, Andrea, for lying to a new friend, Gia. There's also the fact that my relationship with Declan became more complicated. But he's left town now. The biggest thing, though, is from yesterday. I realized that my mom was hiding her pain from me. I've been trying to help her since her cancer diagnosis. But I was shopping for a gift for her yesterday. And I realized that I didn't know anything. Gia and Jimmy knew all these things about cancer patients, and I didn't. But I should have. I should have known little things like my mom's mouth would be dry. Not only the big things. But I didn't."

"Let's start with the first two. I can understand why you'd feel it was selfish to rely on your friend, but doesn't she rely on you?"

"She does."

"Then why is it selfish for you to do so?"

"I don't know. I don't want to burden someone else."

"Do you feel that way unloading to me?"

"No."

"Why's that?"

"That's what I'm supposed to do, isn't it? You're a therapist. You're who I'm supposed to reach out to."

"That's true, but do you always treat people by a singular role? Doesn't that force your ideas of who a person is on that person?"

"I suppose." Jessica started to understand where Dr. Malone was going with her line of questioning.

"And what about your new friend, Gia? You said you lied to her, but did you really lie? What kind of lie was it? Did you hide something from her to protect her feelings, or were you being mean?"

"No, it wasn't either of those things. I hid the nature of my relationship with Tristan from her when she asked."

"But isn't it sort of your job to keep that under wraps? If Gia knew why you lied, would she understand, or would she feel hurt?"

"I think she'd understand."

Dr. Malone nodded. Her pen wiggled as she wrote. Today's topper was a funny-looking gnome on a mushroom. "Jessica, you worry that if you're not fun and lighthearted, your friends will abandon you. It's not selfishness or guilt that makes you feel bad. It seems more like you're afraid they'll stop being your friend."

Cathy's assessment felt like a revelation to Jessica. She was afraid that her friends would leave her. The truth was that she didn't have many friends. In high school, when her mom got sick, many of Jess's friends did abandon her. They told her that she was too negative and sad all the time. Over time they stopped hanging out with her until they weren't friends anymore. Jess shared the memory with Cathy.

"You know, teenagers are all struggling to understand their place in the world. Usually, that's a very selfish thing. They might have seen your preoccupation with your mother's illness as selfish. But weren't they also being selfish? The desire for you to always be easy to be around is an unfair expectation. No one can live up to that. Weren't they being selfish then?"

Jessica nodded. Tears filled her eyes as she understood why she felt the way she did. It wasn't selfish to tell your friends the truth. Nor was it selfish to omit facts when doing so didn't hurt anyone. In Jess's case, the omission was for the best. If Gia knew the true relationship between Jess and Tristan, would that be good for her?

"The same holds true in your mother's case. It's not selfish of you not to notice what someone is intentionally hiding from you. I told you last time that it's not the child's responsibility to protect their parent. Yes, one day, they might need your care. As a child, though, your mom should want to protect you." The women sat in silence. Jess let Dr. Malone's words sink in.

"Jessica, the only thing you might have to feel guilty about is having feelings for two men. Even then, though, is it truly selfish? You said you told Declan that you want him to be happy, right?"

Jessica nodded.

"That's not selfish. That's very unselfish, if anything."

"But what about wanting both men when I know I'll come between them?"

"Have you done anything to make them choose between you or the other person?"

"Well, no," Jess admitted.

"Jessica, you're a very giving person. You're concerned with the well-being of others. You always want to help people. Doing something that makes you feel good isn't inherently good or bad. It's part of being human. You need to recognize and allow yourself to be human. You will hurt people sometimes. That's inevitable. What's important is owning up to your mistakes and making things right. But only when the time calls for it. Don't try to make something right when nothing is wrong."