Forbidden Baby

Chapter 20 – Apprehensions

Thia’s POV

Over the next few days and weeks, Lilly was my saving grace! Day three was my hardest. I cried constantly, doubted myself and felt completely out of my depth. Baby Blues. Completely unbeknown to me, this was normal. Why did no one warm me about it?

24 hours later, albeit tired and a little cranky, I felt much better. It dawned on me that I spent so much time preparing for the birth and reading about pregnancy, that I forgot to read about what to expect when she arrived.

Trying not to read to far into her future, I read up on what I needed to know about being a first-time mum and what to expect from a new-born baby. Armed with information, I felt more prepared and less anxious.

I was reminded with a jolt, that my exams were only two weeks away. Hallie was 3 weeks old, and we had gotten ourselves into a pretty good routine. She was a relatively calm baby, and generally only cried when she really needed something.

Occasionally she would have a meltdown about something, which in turn would lead me to have a meltdown, but eventually we figured it out. Lilly always made me feel better if I thought I was failing. She was an angel.

I studied when Hallie slept in the day and I slept when she slept at night. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, other than giving birth, but I just kept reminding myself that passing these exams was going to be my lifeline. I needed this.

With the exams drawing closer, it meant one thing, my time with Hallie was also coming to an end. Every time I thought about it, another piece of my soul died and another piece of my heart broke. It was often a burden too much to bear.

If I let it, the despair would take over and the anger and anxiety would eat me alive. I vowed, that while I still had her, I wouldn’t allow that to happen, I would enjoy her, care for her, and embrace our time together, being the best mother, she ever had.

I spent too long holding her in my arms, her cubby little features starting to come into their own. She still had grey/blue eyes, and I knew over time this may change but her hair was white, blonde, just like mine. It was so fair; you could barely see it.

I loved that wherever she was, she was going to have something of mine so unique, that would be with her forever. I knew my hair colour was unusual, people who didn’t know me, or my parents, often thought it was dyed.

Apparently, Mum had the same colour, but over the years it had darkened and now was greying. But mine never did get darker, well not yet anyway. I hoped it never did, I didn’t want to share that trait with her, I didn’t want to share any traits with her.

As I thought about what she was about to make me do, anger and anxiety tore through me. How could she possibly allow this to happen, surely, she will realise this is a monumental mistake on her part. I couldn’t get through the days without being sure she would see sense when she met Hallie.

With less than a week to go until that day arrived, I barely put Hallie down. I knew this was going to ruin her and the routine she had been accustomed too but I couldn’t bear the thought of letting her go, not even for a minute.

She lay asleep in my arms, and I knew I couldn’t sleep like this. I had to out her down and try and get one last hour of studying done before my last exam tomorrow. I had managed to get through the other two and just hoped I had done enough.

I placed her gently in her bassinet and it was already almost too small for her. It didn’t matter though, because in two days she wouldn’t be sleeping in it, and her sleeping arrangements would no longer be of my concern.

A sear of pain shot through me as I realised this dream I had been living in, was all too soon coming to an end. Focus Thia. I chastised myself for allowing my mind to wander once again. I had to focus.  I made myself a cup of tea and went through my revision notes.

After an hour, and my sleep deprivation started to kick in, I hauled myself to bed, bringing the bassinet into the room with me. I curled up in my bed and fell asleep listening to Hallie’s light snores, a sound I wished I could record just for me.

I woke up the following morning to the loud cries of a hungry baby. As she grew, he cries became more pronounced, when she was tiny, they barely sounded like cries at all. She had some lungs on her, and she wasn’t afraid to use them.

I fed her, burped her, and changed her and then got myself ready. I made sure everything she needed was in her change bag and made my way to drop her off with Lilly while I took my exam. Walking over to the exam room, I tried to clear my mind and mentally prepare.

2 hours went far too quickly, but I felt good about what I had done. It was the most confident I had been in all three. Now that it was over, I had only one thing on my mind. Hallie. Tomorrow morning, Mum and Dad would arrive at 10am.

‘She’s been a little whingy, but I figured it’s because she missed you’ Lilly informed me when I arrived to collect Hallie.

‘Yeah, she’s been like that for a few days, but if I am honest, I’ve been a little clingy myself, not really wanting to put her down. I haven’t really helped myself have I!’ I admitted.

She had been fussier this week, but I knew it was my own fault for barely allowing her to be put down. I had less than 24 hours left with her. I was about to make the most of it. I scooped her up from Lilly and put her in the pram.

I took her for a walk in the warming spring sun. I enjoyed the fresh air and tranquil surrounds of the gardens here. It was peaceful. I sat on a bench, and as she slept, I took in my surrounds, Lilly’s small cottage to the left of me, the rolling fields, and trees behind and the large red brick house to my right.

In a strange way, I really would miss this place. I headed back when the wind started to pick up, and I knew in only a few minutes, my sleeping angel would awake, screaming and hungry, turning into a she-devil in seconds.

I got to the apartment and prepared a bottle, but Hallie didn’t wake for it as she should. I let her sleep for a little longer, thinking maybe she just needed the extra sleep, but after an additional hour I began to worry.

This was the third time in as many days she had slept much longer than she normally would. I knew I was being silly, she was probably having a growth spurt and needing the extra sleep, but I checked her again for the 5th time in the hour anyway. She seemed perfectly chilled, snoring lightly.

Selfishly I wanted her to wake, time was ebbing away, and I wanted to spend it with her. When she finally stirred, I was relived but this was short lived when she fussed over her bottle. She just didn’t seem herself.

I called Lilly for advice, and she offered to come over to put me at ease. I was grateful, because honestly, this was all new to me. Maybe I was being an over cautious mother. Probably, but her reassurance would go a long way to making me feel better.

She gently knocked on the door and I opened it to let her in. Her soft smile and gentle eyes always made me feel at ease.

‘Let’s see the little lady’ she walked over to where Hallie was laying on a blanket on the floor ‘Aww she seems okay’ she bent down to pick her up.

‘Sorry for bothering you’ I felt like an i***t for calling her now ‘She just has slept so much, and she didn’t want her bottle’

‘You did the right thing, honestly, don’t worry’ she fussed Hallie for a few minutes ‘She is a little warm, but doesn’t seem to have a temperature, just keep an eye on her and if anything changes call me, anytime ok!’

‘Thanks Lilly, I don’t know what I would do without you!’

‘You will be just fine, are you worried about tomorrow?’

Right, yes, I am going home. Only she thinks it is with Hallie and my ruthless parents. I am going with them, but without Hallie and my stomach twisted at the thought. The pain in my chest was beginning to become unbearable.

‘Yeah, I mean, I know I have to do it, but I have come to like it here. I am looking forward to seeing my brothers though’ I said honestly.

What I failed to mention was that I was also desperate to see Loretta and even more anxious to see Freddie. It had been 6 months since I had just upped and left without so much as a word, and I had no doubt that they would know why.

Their reaction and response to me just turning up, scared me. I knew Mum and Dad wouldn’t have told anyone I was coming back. I worried they would judge, be disappointed I didn’t tell them, fail to understand why I didn’t fight harder.

The whirlwind of possibilities of how our reunion was going to be made my head hurt.

Seeing them was not going to be an easy task. I was under the strong assumption that Mum and Dad would keep me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. Match that with me dropping Uni applications into the mix, they were going to flip.

‘I’m sure everyone is going to be pleased to see you, and meet this gorgeous bundle of joy’ she smiled having no idea of my heartache and reality ‘It’s perfectly normal to be apprehensive Thia, but just remember, you have done this on your own for the last month, you will be absolutely fine’

She left me too it and I put all my feelings of apprehension and fear to one side while I bathed Hallie for the last time. I sang lullabies to her, cuddled her, and got another bottle ready, hoping this time, she was hungry and would take it.

As I sat and fed her, she fussed again, niggling, and whining unlike she had done before. It had crossed my mind that she could feel my anxiety and perhaps she was reacting to it. She still felt a little warm, but she didn’t seem too hot.

I put my over cautious mind on hold and lay her down. I must have fallen asleep on the sofa, when I woke, I was in darkness in the front room. Hallie was crying softly, and I thought she must be starving.

I flicked on the light, and it had been several hours since her last feed, and she hadn’t had nearly enough today. I went to make up her bottle, checking her on the way. She seemed agitated and flushed, so hastily made her bottle assuming she was starving.

When I returned, she was shaking, soundlessly in her bassinet, all colour had drained from her cheeks and her eyes rolled in her head. I dropped the bottle as the shock of what I was seeing seemed to take over and soon, fear and panic took over.

What was happening to my little girl?

I screamed as I ran to the phone, I had only ever used it to call Lilly when I needed her, and right now, I needed her, but reason took over and I called for an ambulance hoping that somehow, Lilly would know to come.