Damaged

One Difficult Dinner

Jessica's POV:

         I was tenderizing the chicken breasts. A good way to get some frustration out. Tonight we are having chicken Parmesan. I’ve started boiling the water and now I’m tenderizing as many chicken breasts as possible. 

         After about ten tenderized breast later and the tension has left my body from the event that happened earlier. The guys I’ve learned eat a ton. I have to make about five to ten six count packs of chicken breasts. Literally it’ll all be gone. 

        After tenderizing and breading the chicken breasts I fried them in a fryer that they had hidden in the kitchen somewhere.  

         I added the spaghetti noodles to the now boiling water. The timer was going on the fryer so I started on the garlic bread. I had made a couple loaves of bread this morning so I cut that into thick pieces and grabbing the butter garlic mixture and spreading it generously on the pieces of bread then stuck them in the oven.

         I stirred the noodles in between and made sure to switch out the chicken pieces in the fryer. Then I started a salad. This kept my mind off of things that I didn’t want to think about. 

        The one thing about being the cook for the house is that David and Daniel came to the conclusion that the kids would set the dining table. 

          The kids came in and took plates, silverware and cups. They left looking at me with a glare. I just sighed. I know they don’t like me, but could they at least have the f*****g decency to not show it all the time. It’s tiring.    

         I drained the noodles when they were done. I put them in a serving bowls with tongs. I put the now warmed marinara sauce in pitchers. Piled the garlic bread and fried chicken breasts on serving plates and the salads in serving bowls and lines them along the tables.  

         I brought out bottles of juice and soda and pitchers of milk. People started making their way to their seats. 

        I made a lot of my homemade ice cream, so dessert is ice cream. 

        After everyone was seated and I walked back in I saw the only seat left open was between Johnny and Damien. I sat in between the two and started to fill my plate.

         The two seemed pretty quiet towards each other. It felt tense, though they both were talking to other people. 

         No wonder this seat was empty. Across from me I caught Jeremy give me this look. I couldn’t tell if it was pity or sympathy. But the moment I saw it he turned his face away from me and started another conversation with David.

         I ate in the uncomfortable silence until...Johnny had to say something. Now just because it was noisy in here doesn’t mean you can’t hear all the different conversations going on.

        “Just because Damien came doesn’t mean I want him here.” Conversations stopped. Damien was staring incredulously at his son. I was stuck in between the two. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up like a threatened cat. I felt a fight coming on.

         It was quiet. Father and son were having a stare down. I was shrinking in my seat. I did not want to be between these two.  

         “You really thought that I would accept you coming in and out of my life like this?” Johnny glared at his father.

          “I’ve been wanting to sit down and talk to you. But no matter what I do you don’t want to listen. I want a relationship with you, but you keep pushing me away.” Damien tried to look angry, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. I could feel the want pouring off of him.    

         “Maybe you should ask yourself why. You know what you did. Your a mon-“ I slammed my hands on the table. I was pissed and I eyed the both of them. Everybody and I mean everybody was shocked about this. I grabbed my phone slamming my fingers quickly typing.    

         “This is the dinner table. Do not start on your father in the presence of others. I don’t know what happened nor do I care at the moment.” I glared down at Johnny who looks surprised at my outburst.      

          “You both need to find a time and place for this conversation. Not just bursting out with whatever’s going on in your mind in front of others.” My phone finished before I sat back down and went back to eating. I was not going to let this ruin my appetite.

          It was silent the rest of the dinner. While everyone was cleaning up the food and doing dishes and wiping down the table I went into the freezer grabbing the containers of ice cream I made yesterday.

          I made rocky road, moose tracks, cookies and cream, vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. Also peanut butter with mini Reese’s cups in them. I grabbed the cones from the pantry. 

          David was the first to come up. He had trouble choosing, ended up with the Reese’s ice cream. Daniel got the same. Johnny looked apologetic towards me, and he chose vanilla. Charlie went for the cookies and cream. Jeremy went with the strawberry patting my head afterwards. Damien came up with this look of sadness in his eyes. He chose the Rockie road. I served the kids whatever and I took the Reese’s. 

         I took my cone outside to the tree swing. It was still light out. I just sat there with my phone next to me swinging. Just thinking about Johnny and Damien.

          Curiosity was getting the better of me. I wonder what happened? Why was Johnny so angry? More than that why does Damien look so sad? He looks like his son hurt him. Like he doesn’t understand why his son is so angry. I took a lick of my ice cream and swung the seat a little bit.

            I didn’t even realize that I didn’t notice him approaching me and sitting down on the swing. Damien sat there not knowing what to say. But once I noticed him I looked at him. He looked like he had something to say. 

            I handed him my ice cream and grabbed my phone typing away really quickly. He seemed surprised but he did take my ice cream. 

            “If you have something to say don’t be afraid to say it. I don’t bite, I may nibble, but I don’t bite.” My phone spoke my words.  

            “I’ve never met someone like you.” He said after a bit of silence. “I’ve tried to have a relationship with my son when he was a child, but his mother, and I’m not blaming her, but she kept my son from me. I know I just met you, but I feel like I can tell you things like this,” he smiled a little.

          “Things sound pretty difficult, but I’ve been where your son has been. My father was not a good father. He would constantly talk trash about my mom. He had custody of my brother, sister and I. He would constantly down her. Saying some very untrue things. For two years I couldn’t see her because my father decided to do the worst thing to get revenge against her.” 

          “We managed through. My brother and sister believed him, but I just couldn’t. She was my mom and she never talked bad about my dad. She just said that he was not in his right mind. Mind you my father was an alcoholic. But when the time was right I moved back in with my mom and my father wanted nothing to do with me. I may have lost one parent but at least I had my mother and my aunt and my cousin. They were all that I had.” My phone spoke. He just looked at me. He handed me back my cone.

          “I wanted to have a big family with many children. My wife however didn’t. She didn’t tell me, but years after she had Johnny things took a turn. She got pregnant again. Johnny doesn’t know the truth, but she didn’t want the baby and went behind my back and aborted our child. I couldn’t take it. We constantly fought and fought until one day I told her I wanted a divorce. She agreed immediately. What I didn’t expect was that she would take my son and never let me see him.” He paused for a moment. He looked absolutely devastated. I moved closer to him and put my hand on his back. I start rubbing large circles with my whole hand.

          “When he turned eighteen was when I tried to have a relationship with Johnny, but he doesn’t want one and I don’t know what she told him, but he keeps calling me a monster.” Tears started pouring down his face. Somewhere along this conversation I finished my ice cream. 

          I got up and stood before him. Because of my father, I never really had a father, but Damien is fighting to have a relationship with Johnny. Something I always wished my father would do, but I guess he never cared enough about me to want a relationship with me.

          Damien has his hands covering his face. I grabbed his wrists trying to remove them to no avail. He was a pretty tall dude so standing in front of him with my height of five feet two inches he was a little taller than me just sitting down.

           He removed his hands looking up at me. I didn’t realize I was crying to. He looked kind of shocked at that, but I extended my arms for a hug. I just wanted to hug him. 

         Damien was frozen to his spot because I decided to wrap my arms around his neck hugging him. He was so warm. He felt so strong as well.

        Damien then wrapped his arms, which were kind of long, and put one hand between my shoulder blades and the other in the middle of my back. Is this what it feels like to have a father hug you? I felt a little happy that I started to cry. 

         So in the end we both were crying. I get to experience what it’s like to be hugged by a father. Even if he isn’t my father, but in that moment I realized I wanted and needed a father in my life.

         I’ve always needed that, but I can’t push Damien for something like that. I don’t want him to become uncomfortable, but him and Johnny really do need to sit down and talk. 

         Johnny though seemed unwilling to do so and he may lose out on something this precious. He doesn’t realize he needs his father in his life too. 

         I patted Damien’s back rubbing large circles again. He has such a large back my large circles seemed like little circles.

         Damien finally let go after ten more minutes. I grabbed my phone typing away quickly. 

        “I know it’s going to be hard, but you need to show Johnny that your not going anywhere. Being in and out of his life may not be a good thing. Stay for as long as possible and show him that you’re serious about this relationship with him. Don’t give up. It may be hard and may hurt you even more, but you need to show Johnny that your not going anywhere. Then maybe talk and try to get him to talk to you. I see the truth in your words. You can’t hide your emotions from your eyes. It’s going to be a long, hard road but in the end you’ll have something to show for it. I wished my father was like you, and if things didn’t happen the way they did, I would probably try to fight to have a relationship. Now he’s gone and I don’t have that chance anymore. I know it hurts but I want to see you and Johnny to have a relationship. Seeing you so broken like this has made me realize no matter who you are, no matter the issues, everybody needs that one parent they lack in their lives. That does include Johnny he just doesn’t realize that yet. So keep trying and don’t give up and leave when he makes it difficult.” I look deep into his eyes. 

         He reaches out and grabs my hand. He surprised me by that alone, but he holds my left hand between both of his. He closed his eyes and shed more tears with a smile on his face. 

         “Thank you,” he whispers. “Thank you for listening and thank you for telling me what you told me. It must’ve been hard to delve deep and say something about your past to someone you just met today,” he looks deep into my eyes. I could feel the gentleness in them. His hand felt rough, but he was gently holding it. 

         For the first time in front of this man I cried. I cried so hard that all the adults looked outside to see who and why someone was crying. Even though he was a total stranger he pulled me into his lap and held me close, as I cried. His warmth enveloping me. Making me feel so safe in his arms.

          In that moment I wished I had a father like him. Wished he was my father because I would definitely accept him as my father. I felt really jealous of Johnny because at least he could have a relationship with his father, and I couldn’t and never will be able to.