Damaged

Low Self-Esteem

Jessica's POV:

         I put the vacuum away and I go back to grab my phone that I left on the table. I walk in to find Johnny waiting for me. They still do the watch over me throughout the night thing. It’s only been a little over a week since the incident. I don’t feel proud of what I tried to do.

           In terms I had a moment of weakness. I still feel quite guilty of what I tried to do, but I’m not going to do it again. They are being overprotective.

         Johnny had a book under his left arm and he held my phone in his right hand. He stalked towards me handing me my phone. 

         “Lets go,” he said gently patting my head at the same time. In the hallway he stopped and moved the book under his arm to his hand and held out his arm for me to take. He smiled showing me his pearly whites.

         “My lady let me escort you up,” I giggled but wrapped my arm around his and held his bicep. He matched my pace and we made our way up the stairs to my room.

         None of the new people or the kids know about my suicide attempt so they gave me some weird looks from the kids. Coming onto the fourth floor the men still hadn’t enter their rooms. Anthony is in the room next to mine on the left side facing my door. Adam is in the room to my right. Damien was right across from mine. Evan across from Anthony and Damon across from Adam. 

          We got some very confused looks as we came upstairs. Except from Evan, he still wore that hard look on his face. All of sudden I felt guilt bubble up again. They don’t know why he’ll be in my room for the night or why each night I’ll have all five different men in my room. 

         Oh god I hope they don’t get the wrong idea. It does seem wrong, but why would five men want to share a fifteen year old girl. I’m a child and they are full grown men. 

         “What’s going on here?” Adam asked calmly. But the dreaded question was asked. Everyone seemed curious for the answer. Johnny looked at me. It might be a good idea for them to know, but what would they think of me for trying something that bad. 

          “Do you want them to know?” Johnny asked me. After a few seconds of deliberation I pursued my lips and nodded my head yes. “Would you like me to tell them or do you want to?” He asked as everyone around us became confused. I pulled out my phone as my answer. I typed away as quickly as I could. 

          “About the second or third day here I tried to commit suicide. That was about over a week ago.” My head down feeling the shame of what I did. 

          “Do you regret it?” Damien asks. I looked at him. I then typed into my phone.

          “Yes, I made a promise to my mom and trying to do what I did goes against that promise. Good thing Daniel stopped me.” My eyes flicked to the floor. As my phone spoke my words not realizing that everyone except Evan all surrounded me. He really seemed to not like me.  

         I didn’t realize Johnny had backed up to let them all closer to me. Damien’s left hand went to the top of my head, in which I snapped my head up to him. He gave me a small smile. He was next to me on my right. 

         Damon took my right hand in his left and laid his right on top of it. His eyes bore into mine. Saying something I couldn’t understand. 

         Anthony did the same thing Damon did, but with my left hand in his right and laid his left on top. He had the same unreadable expression. 

          Adam came to my left and put his right hand onto my back rubbing back and forth softly. My eyes snapped to him in that moment.  

         “Your mother must be something very special to you that you would make a promise like that. I do believe that as a parent though she’d want you to stay safe,” he smiled sadly and his brow scrunched together as if wanting to cry. “My twin daughters are about your age now. I just have to find them,” he whispered the last part. I heard it though. His daughters must of been taken from him. 

          The poor guy lost his precious twin daughters… 

                             -FLASHBACK-

           “Lily what did you do?” Mom asked aunt Lily. She seemed pretty angry. I can’t see them, but I’m hiding underneath our homes staircase. 

            “I did what I had to do. Remember the plan,” Lily gritted back. 

            “I know what the plan is, but I don’t think Josh is being fair about this.” My mom sighed sadly.          

            “She’ll be really sad. She’ll be depressed-“ mom was interrupted.

            “She is strong and she’ll become even stronger after this. Plus she’ll have people on her side. People who will side with her and protect her. Delilah you know I have to do this. I may not be fair, but only one must go through this while the other gets pulled from this.” What are they talking about?

            “Yes, but there will be bad blood between them. I don’t know if she’ll be able to handle that,” mom stated.

            “She will. You have no idea the strength she carries within her. This girl is strong and she will be powerful.” Aunt Lily must be overestimating whoever this person is.  

            “But she’s my baby girl,” Mom whined. 

            “I know she’s such a kind girl. We both know what she’s put up with for so long, but it has to happen this way. I know this and you know this. When it happens give her you last words. Give her the words to give her strength to live on,” aunt Lily told her. 

            “He’s going to say something that’ll break her down. Not only that I know he’s going to make her watch,” mom sounded concerned.

            “That’s how it’s supposed to happen. There is no way around this Delilah. You love her like your own daughter. But we all know she’s not. These girls are sisters and eventually it will come down to both of us out of there lives and they will be with their real family. You have to let go. If you don’t things will become even harder for you to do what needs to be done.” 

            “Easy for you to say. The other twin doesn’t have to go through what this one will. You don’t have to sit there and see the pure hurt tortured I know she will give.” 

              “This conversation is done. I thought better of you.” Auntie left through the back door. Mom cried for a while before she had to leave for her long drive. 

               Who are they talking about? What hell is going on?    

              I awoke to darkness. Sweat dripping down my face. Why did I have that dream? It does explain what they were talking about, but if that’s the case Jaime and I are twin sisters.

             It’s the beginning of August now and it’s been weeks since I had told the guys about me trying to commit suicide. Even the boys except for Evan of course offered to also do the night watches.

            I looked over to see Anthony asleep in the chair laying his head on his arms and laying on the desk. 

            I got up slowly and quietly moving towards my closet. I pulled out the extra comforter and moved over to the other side of my bed taking a pillow. 

            I draped the comforter over and tried my best not to wake him as I wrapped it around him. I also managed to lift his head up to put the pillow under his head. 

             I laid back down, but my mind kept reeling over the dream. I remember that day. So clearly. Then going back to the comment Adam made. It’s kind of scary thinking about it now. 

            I now believe something fishy is going on and it has something to do with Jaime and I. I don’t feel good about this at all. 

            My mind kept reeling back and forth and realizing sleep was escaping me I quietly turned my lamp on and grabbed the book off my nightstand. I’ve moved on to a book of poetry that I’m borrowing from Johnny. 

           The poems of all different kinds. It’s quite beautiful, sad, happy, angry etc all wrapped into one book. 

            Poetry is beautiful though. No matter what kind of emotions are played throughout the poem alone. 

            I kept reading and without realizing it I fell back to sleep. The next morning I woke up to my book back on the nightstand and my lamp off. I opened my eyes feeling quite groggy.

            I got up and dragged my feet into slippers and dragged myself down the stairs. Not really paying attention that Anthony grabbed my phone and followed me. 

           It’s kind of weird, but Anthony and I have become the best of friends. Come to find out his sons are triplets and they are all twenty-one years of age. I would never think about going to him for alcohol.

            Damon is also close to me too. He is a chatterbox, but he is so kind and he is the peacekeeper between all of them. Usually it would be the middle child, but maybe he was suppose to be the second one and Evan just pushed him back in the womb. I could see that, because Evan is quite the asshole. He would really get along with Jaime. 

           I would say if I could I would go to Damon for alcohol. I would have to do some persuading, but I know for sure he would give it to. Probably under the condition he drinks with me.  

          With all the times Jaime and I drink I have a high tolerance to alcohol. I could drink a couple of high strung drink and only have a buzz. It’s quite unique, but then again nobody has an awesome aunt with a collection of high quality alcohol. 

           We have tried every type of alcohol there is and one that I must stay away from. Tequila. Jaime and I tried it and the next day I don’t remember what happened, but Jaime told me to never drink it again. Must’ve scared her to death. She even refused to tell me.

          Ever since then we stayed away from the tequila. I’m surprised we never got into trouble with her because alcohol just kept disappearing. Maybe she knew and just let us do it. Then again she spoiled Jaime to the point that it hurts. 

          Mom didn’t spoil me, but that’s because most of the time she was a child and I was an adult. I practically took care of her, so I was not spoiled.  

         Anthony stopped me and held my phone out to me. I was so out of it that I stared at it not comprehending what was going on in that moment. Anthony chuckled pulling my focus from my phone to him.

          “Your cute when your half asleep,” he said chuckling again. “I’ll hang onto it until you wake up a little more.” He wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Pulling me close to his body feeling his warmth. Anthony thinks of me as a little sister even though he has twin sisters. 

          We kept walking slowly so I don’t stumble and fall. This happened one other time with Anthony and he said I was cute the last time too. I don’t think I’m cute half asleep. My hair's a mess, eyes red from rubbing them constantly. I’m also a little pale. Don’t know why I’m pale when I’m half asleep.  

         It’s not just Anthony that think I’m cute half asleep. All the guys think I’m cute. I have no idea why. And I’m too out of it to ask through my phone and my eyes. 

          We made it to the kitchen. Anthony helped me up onto one of the stools at the island. He started coffee while I continue to stare off into space.     

         “She half asleep?” Damien’s voice came from behind me. He walked around the island. “So cute,” he muttered after taking a look. If I was in control I probably would have pouted, but I’m not.

         “Yeah, She is adorable when she is half asleep,” Anthony says. Not being able to speak sucks in this moment, but then again mom and aunt Lily thought I was cute half asleep as well. 

         Not even looking down I started drawing circles with my fingers on the counter. And without realizing an audience had formed in the kitchen. It was kind of creepy, but another part of me liked it. I never really got attention like this from a bunch of hot men. Hot muscular men. 

        My brain shouldn’t be thinking this, but come on? When will you be able to see drool worthy men that just want to look at you because they think you cute when you are still half asleep. 

        A cup of coffee was placed in front of me. I’m not really a coffee drinker. Okay. never mind. I am, but I can survive without it. There’s another but here. When I’m half asleep like I am right now coffee is the only way to wake me up fully. Most of the time I usually drink tea. 

         I sat there rubbing my finger around the rim of the cup, before I got the sense to pick it up and take a sip of the hot liquid.

         Of course it doesn’t work immediately. I pout a little. The guys chuckled at my reaction. I stare again rubbing circles into the side of my cup. 

          Once the coffee set in I took another sip of coffee and sighed, also making a smacking sound from my mouth before sighing. Earning more chuckles. Damn these men. Making me hot and bothered over here. Except for Adam and his sons. I don’t know why, but I don’t have any attraction towards them.

           They were all pretty hot and to a fifteen year old girl who happens to be a virgin? Yeah, they make the virgin drool. Usually I was never boy crazy. Mostly focused on family and trying to avoid bullies. Then having a boyfriend…

            But yeah not so boy crazy, but now being stuck in a house with a bunch of hot men, who actually like me and want to protect me. It’s a problem for a girl. 

           I know I still have the pain, but being here has warmed my heart. Except for the kids excluding Will the f**k boy. I feel more welcome here. Even with the new people in the house. 

          But why do I have to see them as men and not my guardians? Mom why did you put me here? I don’t know her real reasoning, but she should know that this is going to be quite difficult when right before you is eye candy.

          I did some chores then I went to the roof. It’s been a place where I’ve been spending most of my time. I’ve also been doing a little renovating with some of the guys who happen to be free. We’ve removed most of the lines and posts that were meant to dry the laundry. We left some because I’ve been hang drying their laundry. 

          I’ve also been using the elevator. It’s fun to use. But mostly I come here to look at the view. It’s just beautiful and I never get tired of it.

          I’ve been getting used to the routine here the challenge is once school starts and I still can’t speak. I’m probably not going to make any friends anyway. Not only can I not speak, but I was never able to make friends in the first place. I’m still kind of hopeful, but it might be all for nothing. I’m actually scared to go to school.

          Voices from the front yard catch my attention. I moved to the other side of the roof and ducked down to have a look at who’s talking.

          “Hey Elias, What are you doing here?” Damien’s voice inquired. He was off the porch in long strides meeting a guy who just got out of his car. He had short, dark brown hair and a pair of uniquely chestnut colored eyes he was just as tall as Damien. 

           “Dude, you’ve been MIA for years and Johnny called me up telling me where I can find you. You may not have responsibilities, but I still need to know your okay. Mom and Dad passed me the title to be head of the family.” The man crossed his arms. They must be brothers. Because he said “Mom and Dad” not referring specifically. 

            “Sorry Eli, just that I know why Johnny called. He wants you to take me with you. It’s pretty evident he doesn’t want me here.” There goes the sadness laced in his voice. I don’t see why Johnny just won’t give him a chance.

           “He’ll come around eventually brother. But for now is there anyway they’d be able to put me up for a couple days? The house is going insane and I just don’t want to be there. Maybe I won’t go back,” he half joked the last part.

          “You and I both know that’s not going to happen. Last time I heard you left everyone freaked because they couldn’t find you. Also, you cannot shirk your duties at all.” Hmmmmmm interesting. He must have it hard running an entire family. Their probably rich and he probably runs the company or something.

           “I also hear there is a girl living here. She isn’t like us, we are not allowed to breathe a word of it inside the house,” he said probably referring to me. 

           “Yeah, not at all around this place. This girl is pretty clever if you ask me. She’s probably hanging around somewhere able to hear us.” His brother chuckled until he realized Damion wasn’t Joking and the man turned around looking at me with his dark brown eyes.

            He smirked at me, and me being too petrified. My eyes wandered to Eli and I noticed then he was shocked. Probably because I did hear every word until I heard the words that left his mouth. 

           “Wow, never thought the girl was beautiful, as well.” My eyes widened at his comment. He gave me a half smile that just made me melt looking at. Like all the other men he was absolutely hot, as well. 

           “She’s fifteen Eli,” Damien commented in a disapproving tone pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger of his left hand and his right arm crossed over his waste. He was shaking his head vigorously. The dude has no concept when it comes to age. I mean he’s way older than me.

            I was fifteen , but I’m definitely not beautiful. The feeling must have flashed across my face. Both men gave me such sad looks. I don’t see what they see, but then again I’ve been degraded in school by other kids. 

           In that moment I did the only thing I could register myself to do. I fled. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to stay and spy on the newcomer.

           I didn’t want to see anybody. I know it’s weird for a girl like me to have confidence issues, but being put down all my life and looked at me like I was dirt. It hurts you know? I wish I could believe what Elias said, but apart of my mind is saying he’s lying. 

           It’s like this all the time. Even when D’Angelo would tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t know if I believe he was telling me the truth. I mean he did hurt me. He hurt me, and just finding out he was two timing me with my cousin gave me a low blow to my self esteem.

           I shook my head. No get him out of your head. He’s not worth it. 

           I heard a knock on my door. 

          “Jessie, are you okay?” Anthony’s voice asks on the other side. To be honest I’m not okay. I don’t want him to know that, but I made no move to my phone. 

           I curled myself into a ball on the bed. Not wanting to do anything.

         “Jessie, sweetie, please let us in so we can talk,” Damon said. Yes they call me Jessie and yes they call me sweetie. I’m practically the little sister they never had (no pun intended).  

          I actually don’t mind being called Jessie. Everyone has picked up the nickname because Jessica is such a mouthful to say constantly. 

         I sighed heavily and then got up and opened the door. Both boys stood in front of my bedroom door. Worry creased their facial features. 

         Anthony hangs around me a lot, and I’ve come to realize something. He’s hiding something from me. I don’t know what it is, but at times I catch him giving me this look like he knows something and it’s directed towards me.     

         “What’s wrong, Jessie?” Damon asked. I just shook my head. No need for them to know about my issues. 

           They both came into my room shutting the door dragging me to my bed. All three of us sat down and I sat sandwiched between the two. They both took my hand in both of their hands. Their eyes staring holes into the sides of my head. Anthony on my right and Damon to my left. 

          It was like this for a few minutes when another knock made us all look at the door.

         “Jessie?” Damien’s voice muffled through the door. “I’m sorry about my brother. Sometimes he doesn’t think before he speaks.” His voice sounded really apologetic. 

          Anthony and Damon looked at each other before looking back at me for answer. I sighed in defeat. I took my phone from my black Capri pants pocket. I got up and opened the door ushering Damien in. He looked to see the boys sitting here. He made himself cozy in my computer chair. 

         I gave up because knowing them they weren’t going to give up. Like how two days ago one of the kids messed with me and Anthony caught me crying after that. He managed to get it from me. He was very persistent. Once he found out he went straight to David dragging me with him.

         I ended up telling David all what the kids do to me. David was very angry and I know all the kids got punished for what they’ve done.

        I typed into my phone for a few minutes. What I was about to tell them was something I never told anyone. Not even mom knew, but I hadn’t realized the Adam had come into my room and just stood behind me. 

        “Growing up I wasn’t as strong as my cousin, and not as popular either. I was bullied growing up. Not even my cousin helped me. When I was thirteen one of my bullies kept bugging me and inviting me to a sleepover, which I knew she was planning something, but after her persisting and constant bugging I finally agreed. I got my brother, who really hated me for reasons I still don’t know, drop me off. The house was dark and I approached, but then they managed to scare me half to death. Then told me I couldn’t even stay. Like I’d want to anyway.” I stopped there because I didn’t want them to know what almost happened to me that night. From that dream I had and the way they act towards me I know they are very overprotective of me.

        “What else happened that night?” The voice of Adam behind me asked making me jump and looking. I didn’t say anything. 

         Adam moves in front of me putting his rough calloused hands palming my cheeks. 

        “I know there’s more to the story,” his breath fanned my face and his brows furrowed and concern colored his eyes.

          I sighed again. Adam was so much like a father to me. The man knew how to get things out of me. Don’t know how, but I seemed weak to it.

         “On the way home some guy tried to give me a ride home, but I kept refusing. Then he chased me down and almost r***d me. Luckily someone saved me that night. Of course cops were called and all that, and the guy went to jail. The guy happened to be a serial r****t. Kidnapping and raping women. You guys are the only ones I have told.” I finished staring at the floor avoiding their gazes.   

          “You’ve never told anyone about this? Not even your mom?” Anthony questioned. I simply nodded.    

           “Why?” Adam asked in half anger and half disbelief.  I typed quickly.

          “To be honest I didn’t want to cause trouble to my mom. She already had enough to deal with. My cousin has this weird sense about her and I don’t know what she’d do if I told her. Probably nothing though. My dad’s side of the family of course really didn’t want to involve themselves with me so of course none of them knew. I didn’t have any friends, so I just kept it to myself. The only one who knew was the guy that saved me.”

           “What’s the significance of this guy anyway?” Damien asked this time. 

          “An ex boyfriend,” my phone stated. “And someone I want to forget.” The feeling of pain trying to make its way to the surface, but I fought it and pushed it down. I didn’t want to break in front of them. 

         “What did he do to you?” Anthony looked pained. I gave him a small smile.

         “Let’s just say he ultimately betrayed me. Hurting me more than you’ll ever know,” my phone said. “Now can I have some time alone please?” I asked them all. 

         Slowly but surely they left me alone in my room. I trudged to my bed and let numbness consume me. I fell backwards onto my bed just staring at the ceiling.