Life Under the Hijab

Suicide Mission

Zaynub Khalid

We were at the hospital. Hajar was taken into a room with doctors to evaluate her wounds. Her cuts were very deep on her wrists. When we found her, we saw a knife next to her. Did Hajar really cut herself? Was she trying to commit suicide? What happened?

I couldn't believe Hajar was trying to commit suicide! I was her sister and I didn't even know. Something was going on at her school and I never asked why because I was busy dealing with Zakir. What kind of a sister am I? Hajar needed help and I wasn't there. Oh Allah, please help her. If anything happened to Hajar, I would die. Please let her be okay, Allah.

I sat next to her bed, scared for Hajar. Amu was calling people to make duaa. My heart felt for my mother. She cried so much that her eyes couldn't shed anymore tears. Her face has been stained with tears and she had dark circles under her eyes. Baba's death was hard on everyone and now Hajar's suicide mission was killing us. I sighed. Hajar started to wake up.

Her eyes fluttered open.

"Hajar?" I asked in a hoarse voice, most likely from my own quiet sobs.

"Apu (sister)?" she answered.

I grabbed her close and gave her a tight hug. "You scared the life out of us. Don't you dare do that again," I breathed into her hijab.

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

Amu came to hug both of us. I let go of Hajar. I needed answers from her.

"Hajar, what happened?" I asked looking directly at her hazel eyes.

Amu took at seat on the bed, embracing Hajar. Hajar put her head on Amu's chest. It was cute.

"Where do I start?" she asked with crystal eyes.

"From the beginning," I said.

"Well first off, it started at school. My classmates started taunting and scoffing at me whenever they got the chance. It was all because I wore a headscarf. They teased me because I was different. It was hard to take everything in, but I knew Allah was testing me. It was just hard to know that I would go to school everyday hearing dark words. Then this one boy took it too far," she said and tears started falling from her eyes and dripping onto her hand.

Regrets started to overwhelm me. I should have done something, anything, to help her.

"This one boy in my class made fun of Baba's death and then he made fun of Islam and Allah. I stood up for my religion and family, then I ran out of the classroom because I couldn't take it. This other boy found me and hit me. Then my crush started yelling at him and he said he cared about me. Then my guy said all these harsh words to me. He doesn't care. He lied. People enjoy lying and breaking me. It hurts so much," Hajar started sobbing now. "I couldn't bear the pain anymore and everyone was so busy to help me, so I stayed quiet and attempted suicide," she whispered the last part.

Hajar's story was like a stab to my heart. It was so sad. The fact that she thought we wouldn't care enough to help her. How could I be so blind to this?

She grabbed me and hugged me tightly. She buried her head in my chest and started sobbing. I put my arms around her and gently stroked her hair.

"I'm so s-sorry. I d-didn't know what t-to do," she cried.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm here now and I will never leave you. I will drop everything for you, Hajar. Don't ever think I don't care. I love you so much," I whispered in her hair.

"As do I. Next time tell us, Hajar. We were so worried. It's haram (forbidden) to hurt yourself. I can't lose another family member," Amu said honestly.

"Will Allah forgive me for this mistake? I was depressed and in pain. I didn't know what to do, but now I do. I fear that I have displeased Allah," Hajar said.

"Hajar, if you ask for forgiveness and are really sorry, then Allah will forgive you. He is always ready to forgive," I stated.

"Really?" asked Hajar.

"Yes really. Now, get some sleep. You need to recover," Amu smiled.

* * * *

It had been a week since Hajar's incident. I know she will be okay now. We got her in a support group and we started paying more attention to Hajar's well being. I started to teach Hajar some Islamic ways to get rid of depression. Amu also joined us. Amir had talked to her school about the bullying. Everything was looking good so far. Now, all I needed to do was fix my Spanish grade.

Something is just off about it. The writing section should have brought up my grade a lot if my professor said I did really well on it. I started thinking of ways it could have been wrong.

Knock Knock.

I put on my hijab and opened the door it was Amir. He had a huge smile on his face. I wonder why.

"What's new with you?" I asked eager to know why he was so happy.

"Someone I actually liked proposed to you. I told him about how that other guy asked your hand in marriage and he got jealous I think. He really likes you, Zaynub. I can see it in his eyes. Now, the only question is will you agree?" Amir rushed.

"Who is it?" I asked wanting to know who this man was.

"It's Zakir," he smirked.

At that moment, I felt my heart stop.