Asshole Cop

Episode One

Crosswalk

As Jalen ambled down Main Street in the heart of New Jersey's urban sprawl, the dimly lit storefronts gave the city an eerie after-hours vibe. It was 8 PM, and most shops had their shutters tightly closed. Clutching his late-night snacks and bottle of wine in hand due to the new bag policy the state just enacted, Jalen had just left the convenience store. Unaware of the unexpected encounter that awaited him at the upcoming crosswalk, he continued his walk, the city's soundscape slowly transitioning from the bustling daytime to the quiet of the night.

Approaching the crosswalk, Jalen noticed the traffic signal indicating pedestrians could cross. However, something infuriating caught his eye: a police car was parked right on the crosswalk. The officer inside didn't seem to care about blocking the way, his indifference to the inconvenience obvious. It was a scene that left Jalen both angered and determined to address the situation in his own way.

Jalen's frustration welled up as he approached the crosswalk and saw the police car blocking his path. "I wish I could do something," he thought, his anger simmering beneath the surface. He knew he needed to find a way to address the officer's behavior, but he also understood the importance of staying composed and handling the situation wisely.

Jalen's anger surged, and a reckless thought took hold of him. "I should kick it, that's what I'll do," he seethed within his mind. "I'm gonna kick the s**t out of this asshole cop's car, that'll show him." His frustration and indignation at the officer's blatant disregard for pedestrians made the temptation to lash out almost irresistible. However, a flicker of reason reminded him that such an act could lead to consequences he wasn't ready to face.

Jalen, a rebel by nature, is a 21 year old, sales representative for an online flower company, respectfully called "Petals & Delights". He receives calls from customers who want to place an order, for flowers, chocolate and fruit bouquets. Also a comedian, Jalen preforms stand up gigs in and around North New Jersey and the New York City area. Easily annoyed, Jalen often find him self in vigilant moments that most times turn into an epic adventure. Most of these adventures involve police officers, the ones he coined as, asshole cops. He takes it upon himself to teach these asshole cops a lesson. Some lessons are planned out, most is triggered by pure impulse. Jalen also sometimes needs money to pay bills, so, Jalen and his team, are responsible for some unsolved heists in the area. But that's a different story.

"No, no, go home, not jail," he repeated to himself, forcing himself to consider alternative ways to address the situation.

Jalen's frustration was palpable, but he refused to give the cop the satisfaction of knowing he had rattled him. With a measured stride, he walked around the front of the police car, pointedly avoiding eye contact with the officer inside. His disdain for law enforcement had always run deep, and now, in this moment of defiance, he aimed to maintain his dignity and composure. It was a silent protest, a refusal to let the officer's negligence disrupt his night any further.

He found it hard to let go of his frustration. "Unbelievable,"- he muttered to himself, feeling a mix of annoyance and indignation. "That cop deserves the Asshole Cop Award," he thought. -The officer's indifference to the inconvenience he had caused pedestrians continued to rankle, fueling his resolve to take action.

Jalen's frustration reached a crescendo, and he refused to tolerate the officer's disregard any longer. In a sudden surge of defiance, he spun around and bellowed, "Hey, asshole!" His voice cut through the silence of the night, an unfiltered expression of his anger.

In a moment of impulsive rebellion, he decided to launch his bottle of wine at the cop car. With the window almost halfway down, the bottle exploded against the window, shattering it into a glittering display of defiance. The shards of glass flew through the car, with many of them finding their mark on the officer's startled face. The crimson liquid from the broken bottle added a surreal touch to the scene, as if a confetti cannon had gone off at a party. Only this party had a very surprised and not-so-amused guest of honor.

The entire block had become an unwitting audience to a live, one-man show. The cop's confusion and reddening face were pure comedy gold for Jalen. He couldn't help but chuckle under his breath as he became the star of an impromptu street performance. The officer's jaw dropped in disbelief as he processed the unexpected turn of events. It was as if a pie had been thrown in the face of law enforcement protocol, and Jalen couldn't help but relish the absurdity of the situation.

In a heartbeat, the once-quiet street transformed into a scene of chaos as the police car's lights and sirens blared to life. Jalen froze for just a moment, realizing the gravity of his impulsive act. Then, with adrenaline surging through his veins, he turned on his heels and sprinted up the street, leaving behind the bewildered officer and a crowd of onlookers. It was a mad dash into the unknown, but Jalen was determined to avoid the long arm of the law, even if it meant a marathon of absurdity in the heart of the city.

The screech of tires echoed loudly through the urban streets, an unwelcome symphony of law enforcement's rapid response. As the sirens grew louder and more numerous, a sense of urgency washed over Jalen. He understood that he had to move swiftly, or his next destination might be a jail cell with an unlikely roommate. ———Bubba. ——BIG, ——Bubba.

As he continued his mad dash through the dimly lit streets, he couldn't help but notice the surreal scene unfolding around him.The chase became a chaotic spectacle. Shocked pedestrians turned their heads, some unaware of Jalen's antics, while others applauded his daring escape. A few bystanders were simply in awe of the entire situation, their eyes wide like saucers.

Mid-sprint, Jalen was startled by a mischievous whisper of "psst" cutting through the night. His wide-eyed gaze darted around like a startled rabbit, heart pounding with adrenaline.

Before him stood the most stunning woman he had ever laid eyes on, her hair, a cascade of dark, straight locks, defying gravity 'illuminating a glow like the moon, as if the streetlights was the sun.

She waved him in with an urgency that matched the sirens closing in and said firmly, "Hurry up!"

In a silent blur of motion, Jalen sprinted towards the door, moving with remarkable speed yet making no more sound than a whispering breeze. As he closed the gap, he expertly slipped between the door and Maya, his lithe form slipping through the narrowing c***k like a shadow in the night.

Maya reacted with equal finesse, with a move so smooth, a ballet dancer would envy, she shut the door swiftly and soundlessly. She can hear footsteps and voices pass by the door, as the sense of urgency hung heavy in the air as the encroaching sirens grew louder, their wailing approaching like a storm on the horizon.

Outside, the approaching police officers continued their relentless advance, their footsteps echoing in the corridor. Their voices, filled with authority and determination, resonated like a haunting melody, a stark reminder of the imminent danger that loomed just beyond the door. If only they knew they were one door away from a sitcom-level escape act.

Jalen, his heart still racing from the narrow escape, turned to her with gratitude in his eyes and simply said, "Thank you."

"I'm Jalen," he introduced himself, extending his hand with a sincere smile, grateful for the unexpected help in this chaotic moment.

Like a ballerina, she turned swiftly and headed towards a nearby closet, her tone urgent as she said, "You need to hide, hurry up, get in here."

Maya, also hates asshole cops, works for a product testing company. Testing cutting edge devices that later on goes on to become mainstream, Maya leads the team to insure the testing meets the client's needs. Currently her company is testing an immersive VR device that when completed, not only will be the leader in its field, it will be the only of it's kind. But that's also a different story.

Maya, "They definitely saw you come this way," she added with a note of concern, emphasizing the need to make haste.

Jalen, moving like a cat as he slips into the closet, his heart still racing, couldn't resist asking, "Why did you help me? —

Maya, I watched that absolute asshole cop parked in that crosswalk for 20 minutes. He even made an old lady take a detour, and she gave him a classic middle finger salute. But your intervention, that was like something out of a blockbuster movie – epic!

As Jalen and Maya waited in tense silence, the voices of the police officers outside became more distinct. Among them was the unmistakable voice of the angriest and loudest cop in the world, the very same officer who had caused the initial disturbance by blocking the crosswalk.

"Listen up, everyone! I want that vandal found! " The asshole cop's voice bellowed, causing the atmosphere and assholes in the room to tighten further. It was clear that this asshole cop was determined to find Jalen, and he wasn't going to spare any effort in doing so. "He's here somewhere, he didn't just disappear. I'm gonna get you, buddy. I'm gonna make you wish you kept walking. I promise."

Jalen and Maya exchanged nervous glances, their expressions reflecting a shared concern. The presence of this particular officer, the same asshole cop, who had provoked Jalen's impulsive act, could complicate his escape even further.

Maya leaned closer to Jalen and whispered, "You need to stay in there until they clear out completely. That cop is not playing."

Jalen nodded, his heart pounding in his chest as they continued to eavesdrop on the search right outside. The asshole cop's commands echoed in the night, a constant reminder of the perilous situation they found themselves in.

The asshole cop's anger and frustration were so palpable that even pigeons took flight just to avoid his vicinity. It was as if a red cloud of annoyance enveloped him, and pedestrians seemed to cross the street just to steer clear of his wrathful aura.

"I'm gonna find you, you little hooligan. I'm gonna get you. I know you're around here somewhere! Where are you, you little bugga." The asshole cop voice bellowed for blocks.

As he continued to his search for Jalen, his anger was only matched by the absurdity of his predicament. It was a spectacle of irritation that could only be rivaled by a clown car at rush hour, and the asshole cop was the unwitting star of the show.

Some passerbys pulled out their phones to capture the essence of the asshole cop's wrath. It may be on YouTube. Just search "Asshole Cop". Like and subscribe if you enjoy, and would like to see more asshole cop episodes.

Jalen waited in the cramped closet for 30 minutes, his breathing shallow and controlled. He didn't mind, this was better than being caught by the asshole cop. The intensity of the situation weighed heavily on him, and he knew that if the asshole cop find him, he'll surely be in the county jail.

Finally, the sound of footsteps grew fainter, and the asshole cop's voice receded into the distance. It seemed that the police were finally done looking for Jalen and about to leave the area.

Maya glanced at Jalen, her eyes conveying a mix of relief and determination. "It looks like they left," she whispered. "You can come out now."

With cautious optimism, Jalen nodded and quietly opened the door, feeling a rush of gratitude that they had successfully avoided the attention of the asshole cop who had set off this chain of events.

Maya looked at Jalen with a hint of amusement in her eyes. "You literally can't leave yet," you know. " This ain't GTA," she whispered with a playful grin.

Jalen chuckled softly, realizing the truth in her words. In the real world, escaping the clutches of the law wasn't as simple or glamorous as it appeared in video games. He appreciated the irony of finding refuge in Maya's apartment during this unexpected escapade.

Bathed in the soft, dominant glow of purple lamplight, this cozy apartment became his sanctuary from the chaos outside. As they discussed their options, Jalen couldn't help but appreciate the kindness of this unnamed stranger who had come to his aid without revealing her identity.

"So, what's the plan?" Jalen asked with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Are we going to order pizza and binge-watch cop shows while we, well, I, figure out how to lay low?"

Maya leaned in, her voice low but determined. "Let's just make sure he doesn't find you. We'll keep the lights off and stay quiet. With a bit of luck, he'll think you've disappeared into thin air." She added with a chuckle, "Besides, we're practically starring in a real-life cop show right now."

"Oh my God, you are so right," Jalen chuckled and nodded, appreciating Maya's practicality. "Maybe we should audition for the next episode of Law And Order."

"Oh, this is more of a Criminal Minds vibe," Maya added, both, laugh out loud"

"Just wait it out," Maya with a wry smile. " That asshole cop might be loud and obnoxious, but eventually, he gonna give up at some point."

Jalen, " I don't know, I Doubt it, he looked pretty mad", both chuckled.

Jalen, "I'm still stuck on you coming through in the clutch, outta nowhere. You made me pull a David Copperfield, they thought they had me. I may be fast but that asshole cop is furious."

Maya, 'Well, I watched it go down from my window, you are insane, but when I realized you needed help, I couldn't just stand by and watch." That cop had it coming. I saw you running this way, and you're lucky you turned when you did,'

Jalen quipped, 'Flashing lights were practically a disco party in every other direction!'

"Yo, I know, it's like Christmas in July out there," Maya added with a chuckle, appreciating the unexpected humor in the situation."

As he remained out of sight, Jalen couldn't help but admire Maya's resourcefulness and bravery. She had taken a stranger under her wing without hesitation, offering him safety in a moment of need. It was a bond being formed out of the absurdity of the situation, and Jalen couldn't help but be grateful for the unexpected turn of events. It seemed that even in the midst of chaos, laughter had a way of breaking through.

"What were you thinking?" Maya asked, her tone curious yet friendly, as they found themselves in the cozy kitchen, working together to prepare a light meal.

"I'm done letting asshole cops do whatever they want. It's time to start putting them in check," Jalen responded, determination in his voice. "Inconsideration is my pet peeve, and I'm gonna teach every asshole cop a lesson, one epic mission at a time.

Maya couldn't help but quip, "Well, I guess we're on a mission then, the 'Asshole Cop Correction Crusaders.' Can we get matching capes?"

Jalen smiled as he chopped vegetables. "I couldn't have asked for a better guardian angel tonight. That asshole cop was insufferable. I couldn't let him ruin my night and just go home like nothing happened. "

They continued to prepare their meal, the kitchen filled with the soothing aroma of cooking food and the soft hum of their conversation. It was a strange yet oddly comforting situation, one where Jalen and Maya had found solace in each other's company amidst the purple glow of lamplight.

Jalen's curiosity about Maya was piqued, but he knew that this wasn't the time for deep introspection. They had more pressing matters that needed attention – staying hidden from the relentless asshole cop who was hellbent on finding him.

As Jalen and Maya's banter roamed across various topics, their laughter echoed through the room like a playful melody.

At one point, Jalen couldn't resist sharing an amusing anecdote. "You know, I once tried my hand at cooking, and let's just say I set off the smoke alarm. I didn't know whether to put out the fire or perform a smoke dance routine."

Maya giggled at the mental image. "Well, at least you've got some impressive dance moves in your emergency repertoire."

Jalen grinned, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Oh, you have no idea. When you're dealing with a flaming pot of spaghetti, it's all about finesse and quick footwork."

He couldn't help but notice a large mirror hanging above the couch. It had an ornate frame that seemed out of place in the otherwise modern decor.

His curiosity got the best of him, and he pointed to the mirror with an exaggeratedly puzzled expression. "Maya, huh?" he said with mock surprise, as if he had just cracked the Da Vinci Code.

Maya chuckled and nodded, playing along. "You've got a sharp eye, Sherlock. I had that mirror for eons, it was in my room when I was little, now, it's in my living room."

Their connection deepened as the mystery of Maya's name was unveiled to him, with a dash of playful humor adding another layer of meaning to their unexpected encounter.

Their witty exchange meandered through various topics, leaving room for wit to flourish. As they chatted about everything from their most embarrassing moments to their favorite foods, Jalen couldn't help but tease Maya about her impeccable sense of humor.

"You know," Jalen quipped, "I've met a lot of people with great comedic timing, but you, Maya, you might just take the cake."

Maya responded with a sly grin, "Well, Jalen, you haven't seen me try to cook spaghetti yet. My kitchen disasters could give any comedian a run for their money."

Jalen laughed heartily, genuinely enjoying Maya's company. "Ah, the mysteries of the kitchen. But seriously, I bet you're a master at finding humor in everyday situations."

Maya's eyes twinkled with mischief as she nodded. "Most times, life itself serves up the best punchlines. Speaking of which, you'd be intrigued by an upcoming comedy act I caught at the club tonight."

Jalen leaned in, his curiosity piqued. "Oh, really? What's their name? "

Maya grinned, her tone teasing. 'Well, let's just say their act has a fruity twist to it. If you ever come across a comedian with a fruit-related act, that's the one.'

Jalen raised an eyebrow, a spark of curiosity lighting up his eyes. 'Fruit-related act, huh? That sounds interesting. Tell me more.'

Maya with a smize, "I think you can figure it out now," Jalen.

Jalen chuckled, a hint of amusement in his voice. Did they do a bit on the 2-click preheat feature?'

Maya's laughter filled the air as she nodded. 'You guessed it! You had the whole crowd in stitches with that vape bit.'

A Few Hours Ago:

—"Alright, folks, it's time that we talk about the mysterious 2-click preheat feature on vape pens.

You ever pre heat and forget-? No? Only me? -I be like, Ahh well, guess I gotta reheat now. 'Big dummy.'

But na, I kidd you not, it's like the foreplay of the vaping world. You click it twice, and it's like, 'Hold on, we're not quite ready yet. —Let's set the mood. I'm not hot enough.'

You ever click it 3 times? No, no one? I guess I need lessons using my vape pen.

I be up there trying to play it off, like, let's try this again, slowly. '1———2.'

—But here's the thing, I've realized that vaping and romance have a lot in common. Well, for starters, they both require a certain finesse. You can't just go in all willy-nilly; —oh, no, you've gotta finesse that button.

And timing is crucial, folks. Just like in the romance department, if you hit that button too soon, you're in for a disappointment. You'll be like, 'what happened? I thought we were heating things up!

On the other hand, if you wait too long, you might lose the mood entirely. You just up there tryna look cool, hitting away, like, what's up y'all, and your vape pen is like, 'Dude, I'm cold now, I need a blanket!

—I need a reheat!'

—But the real challenge is finding the right rhythm. It's like a dance; you've got to sync up with your vape pen's desires. Click-click, pause, click-click – it's a vaping tango!

—And let's not forget the accidental preheat situation. You're trying to turn it off, but oops, it's preheating, and suddenly, you're in an unexpected, uh, warm-up session.

I mean talk about a smoking hot situation! You'll have people around you wondering if you're a magician with that vape trick.

Any vapers out there? No? Nobody vapes? Jeez you guys are a tough crowd.

You ever forget your vape pen's in your pocket? It's like an unexpected surprise, you're about to get a quickie in?

Don't act like y'all don't know what I'm talking about. You know? When you still got your jeans on? You go in, -click, go out, -click, in, -click, out, -click—now you've clicked it two times, and it's pre heating, but you just say whatever, you keep going. Click—click Click—click. Thank God, now it's off, -click-click, but you' ain't tryna stop. Right? So you just clicking away, and all of a sudden, your leg start heating up. -She like damn, you getting hot, bae.

You into it, you don't even realize you getting 3rd degree burns on your thigh. Now you there tryna be smooth, you still in the mood, - like —yeah girl, -I know. Then out of nowhere; a big cloud of vape starts seeping through your pocket. It's a 'Pocket romance' with a smoky twist!

You finally say, 'hold on girl, I gotta get this thing out my pocket'. —And you better not be wearing skinny jeans. You on a time limit now. If you take too long, you might not get it back up, —the race is on. You struggling to pull it out. Finally. You snatch it out. Now, the red light blinking. Oh, now it wanna die? Whatever man!

So you nonchalantly toss it onto the table, attempting to rekindle the mood after that unexpected altercation. 'My apologies,' you inquire with a sly grin, 'Are you still in the mood?'

'Now she like naw, Na, I need a reheat.'

Thanks ya'll, my name is Jalen but I ain't in jail, ya feel me, peace."

The present:

Jalen, '"You were there? No way, I would have noticed someone like you there,"

'a hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips.

"I guess I have a talent for blending in," she replied, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "I found a cozy seat in the corner where even the light couldn't spot me."

As the evening wore on, they realized that they had lost track of time. The city's bustling energy buzzed around them, but in Maya's royal glow apartment, it felt like the world had slowed down just for them.

It was a clear night, but the night sky above remained starless, as if the stars themselves had decided to take a break from the city's drama. The distant sounds of traffic, once the cacophonous heartbeat of the urban sprawl, now whispered in the background, perhaps exchanging their own stories about this epic night.

As they continued their conversation, Jalen couldn't help but feel like they shared a similar sense of humor, and he looked forward to getting to know her better.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

The deafening bangs reverberated from the door, jolting Jalen and Maya. Wide-eyed and stricken with fear, they exchanged panicked glances as the abrupt disturbance shattered the fragile sanctuary they had created within Maya's apartment.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Their hearts raced in unison, a suffocating weight of uncertainty pressing upon them.

"Open up! Police!" a stern voice commanded from the other side of the door.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

To be continued...