Impossible Love

11. It’s Who I am

Jay’s POV

I asked Ally if I could use her car over the weekend, and she agreed. I didn’t tell her about taking Mira on a date because I knew her mouth, she could run her mouth about it to the whole town given a chance. When she asked me, I told her I was going out of town but would be back in the evening.

The next morning, I woke up early and by nine, I was done with my laundry and house chores. I like leaving my place organized and clean before I go out. I took a quick shower and dressed. This time I decided to wear a white dress shirt, black pants, and black Chelsea boots. I let my locks free, they hang over my shoulder. I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, and looked so cute.

Once I was done, I took my wallet and key and left. I carried my hood just in case the weather changed and Mira didn’t carry her sweater. I was smiling at the way she was always in my mind. This girl will be the end of me. I laughed, lightly, locking the door.

I drove off thinking about her, wondering how she was going to react when she knew the whole truth about me. Will we still get back home friends or will she reject our friendship and stay away from me? I stopped overthinking about it because I was driving and shifting my attention to the road.

I was going at a steady speed. I didn’t want to be late. We are supposed to meet at around 10 am. I pulled up at the road leading to her place ten minutes early. I smiled because I knew she didn’t like being late. I texted her letting her know I was already there waiting for her.

Mira must have been ready and waiting for me. Immediately after I sent her the text, I saw her walking towards me. She was in a wine-red dress that tugged on every inch of her body. It was slightly past her knees, it had a slit that went up revealing the lower part of her right thigh. I swallowed hard at the sight.

She had a big smile on her face by the time she reached me. I was grinning. I hugged her and prolonged my embrace on her a bit. I thought she would fight it, but she let me. God, I missed her so much. Of late, I miss her the moment she gets out of my sight.

When I let her go she was blushing, although she wore a beautiful smile on her face. I guess she was wondering why she let me hold her. I opened the co-driver’s door, letting her in, and she was making herself comfortable in her seat. I got in and drove off.

Finally, I took her out on a date. I was already on the main road heading out of town. We were going to a neighboring town that is where she would pick up her glasses too. I was throwing her glances once in a while at least my eyes were glued on the road.

When Mira sat in the car, it made her dress move up a bit, revealing almost the whole of her thigh. I swallowed at the sight of it, my eyes found it appealing, and I was looking at her thigh sporadically. She saw my actions, but she let me. She didn’t even try to adjust her dress. What is she thinking, it is so distracting, and I am driving? Is she trying to get us killed?

I tried my best to concentrate on the road because my mind was going haywire with thoughts of how that skin would feel under my touch. She kept asking me random things about my life and my friends. This small talk made it easy for me to focus on the road.

It was a two and half hour drive and was the best of my life so far. We talked about random things. She told me about her school life. We laughed about a few funny moments. I gave her the funny sides of my stories too. Her laugh sounded like music to my ears. I was stealing glances at her, and she was a sight to be reckoned with.

I pulled up in a parking lot of the building where she was collecting her glasses, opening the door for her, and we made our way in. I sat outside as she went in to see her physician. Waiting for her to finish, I found myself drifting down memory lane. I had not felt like this for a long time.

All these feelings Mira made me feel brought me to my first ever relationship. We were so happy that I never thought we would be separated at some point. I was naïve and confused about my feelings at the age of 15 when I fell in love with my teacher. I had discovered my sexuality 3 years earlier but, still confused about everything. With my little knowledge and no exposure, I deemed I was abnormal.

This led to me hiding it from everyone until when I was in high school and I fell for my math teacher. She was beyond gorgeous. I had a crush on her the very day I set my eyes on her. I was always getting lost gazing at her in class. She saw everything but chose to ignore it.

I still thought the way I felt was abnormal and an abomination until she decided to notice my stares and gazes. When she walked toward me and whispered into my ear asking if she was that appealing, her raspy voice sent shivers down my spine. The tingles in my ear from her hot breath made me shiver. I almost ran away from school that day. I was a blushing mess. I avoided her eyes for the entire lesson.

She messed with me once in a while during her lessons. Sometimes she would throw a piece of chalk at me to get my attention when I zoned out or stared too much, and she would smile at me when she successfully hit me.

One day she left me a note in my math book asking me to see her after my lessons. My heart was a pounding mess that whole day. As my lessons neared the end, I was almost fainting. I didn’t know what would happen, because clearly she liked me too. In the end, I gained courage and went to see her in her office. She told me if I liked what I saw I should go for it instead of drooling in class for everyone to see. My cheeks were burning red, biting my lip so hard.

When she saw the look on my face, she stood away from her desk and came to where I was sitting opposite her. What she did next left me speechless. She brushed her lips on mine and told me to go and think about it. From that day, she started showing me affection. She showered me with so much love that she made me forget my fears.

Finally, I accepted who I am and let myself feel the forbidden feelings. She made everything feel so normal. The love, the passion, and the care, all felt normal to come from a woman. I decided to follow my heart, but after falling deeply in love with her and sharing the most amazing time together, she left me. I remember crying like a baby when she told me she was moving away. I begged, but still, she left. I had sworn I would not fall in love again.

Mira’s tap on my shoulder brought me back to reality. I had zoned out again. I looked up at her beautiful smile, and my heart skipped. That memory had made me feel so low, but when I saw her smile my lips curved into a smile at their own will. She looked so stunning in her new glasses.

I drove to the restaurant where we were going to have our lunch. It had beautiful scenery facing the lake. I wanted to find a cool place where we could have a conversation after our lunch and still enjoy the view. I asked her what we would have, and she asked me to order for her. I had the impression she liked chicken. I ordered grilled chicken with steamed spinach and grilled broccoli and vegetable soup with some red wine for me and water and juice for Mira.

When the dishes were served, her eyes were wide. I guess she didn’t expect me to order so much food just for the two of us. We enjoyed our lunch in silence. I guess we were lost in our own minds. I was watching her eat, she was so beautiful. I will never get used to watching her! I will never get enough of her beauty. Her ethereal beauty always made it impossible for me not to stare.

We took our time and when we finished we hung around a bit relaxing while waiting for them to finish setting up a spot outside the lounge on the side that faced the lake. We wanted somewhere we could sit and talk freely. After they were done, they served our drinks as we sat enjoying the view. It was quiet and we loved the atmosphere.

I was going crazy wondering how I would start this conversation. I was so afraid of the outcome, but I knew I had to do this before she finds out from someone else. I figured it was about time we talked, wishing she wasn’t homophobic.

“Mira, can we talk now?” I asked her.

“Sure, talk to me.” She had a small smile. I stayed silent thinking of the consequences of what I was about to do.

“Jay, you know you can tell me anything, right?” she smiled at me, encouraging me to speak.

“Yeah, I know that,” I answered, feeling nervous.

“So go on, tell me this thing that made you take me out on a date.” She said, winking at me. So she knew it was a date, clever. Why did she agree to it then?

“Mira, before I tell you anything, you have to promise me it won’t affect us being friends no matter what,” I said with a faint smile. She took a moment to answer, and I was a nervous wreck.

“You don’t have to make me promise, it would be hard to lose a friend like you, Jay, but I promise.”

“Okay. Do you know anything about the queer community?” She didn’t look surprised. I waited for her to answer.

“Honestly, I have heard of them and watched several movies about them, but that is it.”

“Do you have a problem with them, or what do you think about them?” I wanted to know what she thought terribly.

“I don’t judge them if that is what you are asking, and no, I don’t have a problem with them. I haven’t stumbled on any of them, but I know I won’t have issues with them, I’m open-minded.” I heaved a sigh of relief when I heard her say that.

“Jay, why do you ask about this suddenly?” she asked, confused.

“Because it concerns me, because it’s who I am Mira,” I said, looking at her. She was unfazed by my confession. When she didn’t say anything, I continued.

“I’m not straight Mira, I’m into girls. I have been since 7th grade.” I let her digest the information I just told her. She was unfazed but silent. I was starting to panic at her silence. What could she be thinking now? I guess I blew it. I shouldn’t have told her.

“Jay?” she called me softly when she saw how worried I was, “I sort of knew, I had my suspicions of you not being straight, I just didn’t want to assume and draw conclusions about it.” She said, “I didn’t want to ask you about it either, because I didn’t know how you would take it. I just knew if my suspicions were true you would tell me the truth eventually, in your own time.” She added with a mischievous smile.

I was amazed by her. I was wondering how I sold myself out that she even suspected me.

“How did you know? What led you to your suspicion?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“You led me to it, the way women swam around you, the way you were treating me, the affection and care, paying my bills, pulling me chairs, protecting me from Ally, your jealous move with anyone who shows interest in me, why would you do that?” by the time she finished talking my mouth was wide open.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you the truth, I was terrified of losing you,”

“You know I wouldn’t judge you, Jay. I’m not a homophobic prick.” She said with a genuine smile.

“But that was not my worry Mira, you walking away from me was,” I told her, looking straight into her eyes.

“I’m not walking away from you Jay, I promise. I would have walked away already because I had my suspicions.”

The moment those words left her mouth, I pulled her and hugged her so tight, saying a million thank-you. She returned the hug with the same energy. I returned to my sitting position and saw her grinning at me mischievously. I raised my brows questioningly, she started laughing.

"What?" I couldn't help but ask.

“No wonder women are all over you, you are like a magnet.” I chuckled at her statement.

“Stop it pretty, I’m no magnet.” I was looking at her, wondering if she would accept me when I confessed my feelings for her.

“I bet you already have eyes for one of them, like that nurse Pat, she always throws herself at you.” She was smiling, but her voice said otherwise. Was that irritation in her voice? I take it she doesn’t like that nurse! I smiled at the possibility of her being jealous.

“Oh, I can assure you the one I want is not showing any interest to the slightest degree.” I was smiling at her wildly enjoying this teasing game. She blushed away when she saw the look in my eyes.

“Maybe you haven’t shown her that you want her.” She teased back.

“I’ve tried, I am telling you. Either she’s blind or she doesn’t want to see my efforts whatsoever.”

“You should try more, maybe she doesn’t believe you with all those women around you, she might even think you are a womanizer.” She said, looking away. Do you think I am a womanizer? I pretended to be hurt by her words and held my chest like I was in pain. She laughed at my actions, she looks so beautiful when she laughs.

“Maybe she should’ve asked me if I was before she made any conclusions.” She bit her lip shying, and I looked at the motion and swallowed. I couldn’t wait to feel those lips against mine.

“Maybe you should enlighten her that you only have eyes for her.” She said, winking at me.

“Yes mam, I got it,” I replied, moving my brows playfully.

We finished talking and decided to enjoy some water activities. We went for a boat ride, played on the swings, and even played volleyball with other family members who were there. I could tell she was enjoying herself and that made my heart fill with joy. I was happy to be there with her. She sat a few times on the sideline to watch me play. She was cheering me on. We were exchanging smiles all through.

The fact that I finally told her about my sexuality made this moment feel more joyful, it was tiresome hiding my true self from her. I didn’t want the day to end, but we had to go back. I didn’t want to put Mira in trouble with her mum.

On our way back, we were chatting, and I told her everything she needed to know. She even made fun of me with the magnet of women thing. I was only laughing at her silly nature, I loved her like that. I realized she was carefree here with me. At work, she was very reserved. She slept off. I was watching her sleep once in a while. She looked so peaceful in her sleep.

We got to her place and I hated waking her up. She rubbed the sleep off her eyes and smiled at me saying that it was so fast. I just chuckled at the way she looked so beautiful, even with the sleep in her eyes. I opened the door for her, and we stood there for a few minutes, then decided to say goodbye. I gave her a tight hug which was becoming a thing, and kissed her cheek.