Our Fates

Unethical Ethics

I stare at my front door deciding whether or not to open it.

Closed door means safety.

Opened door means risk.

No I don’t live in the zombie apocalypse (though sometimes I wish I did..). See, If I walk out that door, I’ll ended up having visions.

Since that first vision of Reggie I had at age 7, I’ve been cursed to see the future but only the bad part. Only the final part. Only death.

Death. Death. Death.

For the last 13 years, I’ve been tormented with other people’s fates (and animals but those aren’t as bad). The visions came slowly at first with maybe one or two a month. So back then my life was hard but manageable. However by age 14, they were almost daily. I could barely leave home with out seeing someone’s fateful demise. It was that year that I also lost my mom.

I never imagined I’d see the fates of my parents. I thought if anything they’d be immune to this power of mine. But when my mom touched my hand as she passed me the green beans at dinner that night, I was flooded with images of her in hospitals with IVs, slowly losing her hair, getting sick in the bathroom and finally her eyes closing shut in a dark hospital bed. I dropped the plate spilling the side dishes across the table. I stared unbelieving at my mother.

Over those 7 years, I had become numb to the visions and deaths but my mother!The only person who loved me! Why her?! Why did I have to see that?!!

My parents didn’t realize at first as they cleaned up the mess. My father scolding me. My mother trying to calm him down. I think they realized this was more than an accident when I started to cry. Like I said, I had been numb, I hadn’t cried a single tear since Reggie died (not that the visions didn’t take everything out of me.. I just couldn’t cry). But then with small tears rolling down my cheeks, my parents faces became concerned.

I told them what I saw. My dad was furious, to the point he almost flipped the table. My mom, on the other hand, was calm. She came over and hugged me then told me it would all be okay.

My dad set my mom up with an oncologist the next day. She did all the tests, which showed almost stage 4 cancer, but when they started planning treatment, she refused.

My dad was furious. They fought for days. Even I yelled at her about it, though I knew fates couldn’t be changed by then. If I wanted to try for anyone to prove my visions wrong, it was mom. But she never faltered, she just said “it was her time.”

She passed in the hospital only 3 months later. Her last words to me were “to live”

To. Live.

How is that fair? How was I supposed to live without her? How was I supposed to live with this curse without her love?

But here I am. I’m trying to live. I’ve figured out a few ways to make it bearable.

First thing I had to do was leave rural upstate New York.. there was no way to live there without having to go outside. Too small town, too technology backwards out there. So when I turned 18, I moved to New York City- everything I could ever need is one button away, thank you online shopping and grocery delivery services.

I also work late at night to minimize how many people I see there. I tried remote work but apparently you need some kind of social skill to do that.. and I don’t do people, so ya. I tried a few jobs in bars or movie theaters.. I always thought if I didn’t know these people or never saw them again that it be okay if I saw their fates. But some fates are too dark..

Lastly, I take strictly (or so I thought) online classes at college.

And that brings us back to the door.

See, tonight I have my first test of my online Ethics class.

Except my professor thinks it’s “unethical” to take tests online.. which wasn’t mentioned in the course information.

So now I risk unexpected time outside. During the middle of the day. And on the subway (because I don’t live by campus.. why would I.. my classes are online?!)

I could skip the test but I’d likely fail the classes.

I could drop the course but I need it for my humanities major and if I don’t take it now, my graduation will be off schedule. And dad is barely helping with school now, let alone any extra semesters..

Maybe I should just quit college all together.. but mom wouldn’t want that. College is a part of “living” though I’m probably not doing college like she’d expect either. I can only do so much and be sane, okay..

Well, I guess it’s decided. Open it is.

Even after finally making a decision, I cringe to myself knowing it’s a bad one.

I shrug to myself and I try to convince myself it’ll be okay. I even pull on my favorite hoodie and layer my moms old jean jacket over it. I grab my bag and slowly twist the knob.

However that’s the last slow thing I do. Once the door is closed and locked, I book it for the stairway. I may live on the 9th floor but stairs are better than elevators for someone like me.

Even though I know like no one will be on the stairs, I still hurry down them just in case. I also sneak out the emergency fire exit off the stairs rather then going through the lobby (it’s an old building and the alarm doesn’t activate anymore).

Once I’m in the alley, I head for the sidewalk and continue booking it to the subway entrance just 2 blocks over. I keep my head down the whole time and try to stay away from any other pedestrians. When I get to the the subways stairs, I’m glad I’ve made it this far but I know the worst is coming.

I gulp as I look down the stairs at the subway platform. There’s too many people down there. Im about to chicken out when mom flashes in my memories, holding my hand in her weak grip telling me to “live”

I sigh and descend the stairs into the crowd.

I try my best to stay away from people as I push far back away from the edge of the subway platform. I pull up my hood and start anxiously twisting the string

“Come on train, come on train” I think to myself.

After what feels like an eternity, it finally arrives. I wait til most of the passengers move on and off the train. I make my way to the last car and finally enter right before it closes.

I peer around the pretty full car and look for the safest place. I settle on a seat in the back far left of the train. I but my bag on the extra seat beside me and pull out my head phones, shoving them deep in both my ears. Music won’t stop the visions but it at least distracts me.

I zone in to the loud beats just begging for a break. Just this once. Just today.

It’s not long until the train fills up and people are eyeing me for my extra seat. I avert my eyes, pretending not to notice. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to sit by me if you knew.

Then at the next stop and elderly gentlemen boards. He immediately zones onto my bag and comes over.

This couldn’t be worse..

“Miss, Miss!” He loudly enunciates so everyone is watching us now

“Y-yes sir?” I say quietly wanting to jump from this train right now at full speed

“The seat?” He motions for me to move my bag.

“Oh I’ll just move so you can have the whole se-“ I start to get up but it’s no use.

“Oh don’t be silly, we can share it!”

He grabs my bag and hands it to me. I sink away from him as much as possible basically gluing my self to the dirty window.

It doesn’t matter though because as the man brushes at his coat sleeve, he grazes my arm and it hits me.

In an instant the train is gone and my vision is filled with scenes of the man in his home, completely normal except with more gray hair. Then, suddenly he falls to the ground and a woman comes rushing over. The rest of the scenes play out from hospital beds to nursing homes. He never looks quite the same as his face droops to one side and his arm hangs limp off the edge of a bed in a dark room.

A stroke. I hate these. They almost always look as trapped as I feel..

When the vision stops for now, it’s as if the world hasn’t changed one bit.

But I guess it only changes for me..

I gulp and peak a look at the man. He’s definitely younger now. He still has time.

I could tell him.

“No!” I whisper to myself sternly

“Excuse me?” The man looks at me questioningly.

“Nothing..” I turn to the window.

I know better. I know that even if I could convince this man to believe what I saw, which is a long shot. It won’t matter in the end.

We all get one life. And that life has one true route. The final destination never changes.

Finally, after multiple stops I reach the university circle stop. I grab my bag and sneak past the man.

“Sir..” I say abruptly. What am I doing?

“Yes Miss?”

“I hope you have a good day.” I say sheepishly. I can’t do it again. I can’t know I failed again.. better not trying at all.

“You too” he smiles.

I nod and exit the train.

He’ll be okay. It’s better he doesn’t know. I have to believe that.

Knowing is my cross to bear. I leave the subway determined to not have anymore visions tonight.

After spending more time outside then I wanted to, I eventually find the right building and head inside.

Luckily, it’s after regular class hours so minus a few students the building is pretty empty. When I find the lecture hall, less than 10 other students are here. I decide the back is the safest spot.

I sit down placing my bag on the seat beside me looking out at the large classroom. There’s no way the classroom could fill up, right?

>

“You guys have to come to our sorority party tonight” whined the petite blonde who’s name I’ve already forgotten.

“Yeah they’ll be plenty of drinks, and great music..” says another small blonde probably the most genuine of the three.

“And of course us” the last blonde with heavy makeup basically purrs to us.

“Unfortunately ladies we already have plans tonight” Colin says in a way that will make them swoon but we know he’s fighting back his sarcastic nature.

“I bet we could make you forget about your other plans” the last blonde seductively says as she clings onto Jason

“Yeah doubtful..” he says as he slides his arm out of her grasp

“Excuse me?” She says offended. I guess she doesn’t get turned down often.

“Look girls, we have a test so we have to get going. Next time for sure” I lie in my professional voice that I spent year perfecting from my private tutors.

“You should give us your numbers then” they just don’t give up..

“Yeah we can’t. Okay bye” Colin finally gives up trying to be nice and Jason’s already gone. I just shrug and follow after him with Colin shortly behind.

Once we’re finally away, Colin sighs “God why don’t girls like that take a hint”

“Because girls like that normally get what they want” I say laughing.

I’ve spent years “socializing” with upper class girls like that. All they want is a handsome husband to make them a trophy wife.

As much as my mother would like that to happen, I’m not interested. I’ve had enough of people only wanting me for my inheritance.

Honestly, I’m not interested in anything from my parents lives.

I was born the only son of the CEO of a large conglomerate. This means I’m destined (forced) to take over. My dad’s expectations are one thing but it’s my mother who’s the real problem. As a CEOs wife, her job was grooming me.

Not raising me. Grooming me.

She was barely even around but her influence was always there.

She hired nannies, private tutors and sent me to most exclusive (isolated) private schools. I barely did anything of my own choice and all my time was dedicated “to preparing me for my future”.

Needless to say, it was so suffocating. It wasn’t til I started college in the city that I got any resemblance of freedom. And even that took hours of convincing my mother. In the end, I was able to convince her that living in the dorms and scheduling my own classes would be most appropriate for an adult male.

Even with these little wins, she still had her claws deep into my life. I spent the first semester of last year being approached by the son of this guy or the daughter of this family or the president of this fraternity. Anyone with any acceptable level of status was given the mission to become a apart of my life. To be someone to watch me and report back to my mother.

Even beyond my mothers puppets, people quickly learned who I was and tried to attach themselves to me.

I thought my one chance at a normal life was gone until I met Jason.

We were in the same English class and got paired up to do a presentation on a theme of the novel we working on. When I went to his desk to start discussing the project, he gave me one look up and down and said “I don’t care how rich you are, you’re doing your share of the project.”

No one had ever been so blunt and rude to me before. And to his shock, I burst out laughing. Once I composed myself, I told him not to worry and we got to work.

After the classes, he apologized and said he heard rumors about me being stand-offish and a “stuck up rich kid.” He also clearly realized those rumors were false by the end of that class. He asked me though why it had been so funny and I laughed that no one was ever that honest or real to me. He told me I need better friends and I agreed.

Shortly after that he introduced me to his best friend Colin and the three of us have been inseparable. And the rest is history.

They’re both so down to earth and could care less if I had 20 dollars or 20 million dollars. They just good guys and have showed me true friendship.

Jason pulls me back from my reminiscing by shoving my arm.

“Dude!” He exclaims.

“Sorry what?” I shake my head trying to focus. I really was just blindly following them.

“The room is packed. We’ll have to sit apart for the test”

I look around the crowd lecture hall. He’s right almost every desk is taken in the almost 80 seat room. I scan the rows and find an open spot in the back.

“I’ll sit back there. See you guys after the test” I wave as I bound up the stairs.

When I get to the row, I realize the seats not empty because the person next to it put their bag down.

“Is anyone sitting here?” I ask to the person but they don’t even move. I sigh and tap their shoulder.

To my surprise it’s a girl.. I could barely tell with her head down and hood up.

When our eyes meet, I feel like I’m hit with a ton of brick.

I feel like I know her. Like I’ve known her all my life or even more.

She doesn’t seem to recognize me and the more I stare I realize I don’t really know her.. but why do I feel like this?

Then fear registers in her eyes. Did I scare her?

“S-sorry, is this seat taken? The room is really full and the test is about to start.”

“N-no, you can sit here..” she quickly grabs her bag and drops it to the floor.

I sit down and watch her closely. She seems so on guard. She scans the room and keeps taking deep breaths.

Protect her.

I’m taken back by my own thoughts. Sure she looks like a frightened bird but why would I protect her. I’m probably the reason she’s afraid in the first place.

I shake my head pushing back the weird thoughts of protecting her and try to focus on anything else.

Soon after the professor walks in and starts handing out the tests to front desks to be handed back.

“The test will begin once everyone has received at test. No one may start before I say. And once you have completed the test, remain seated until the full allotted time has run out and everyone will be dismissed together.” The professor says as the class groans and boos.

“This is the ethical way to test students so everyone has the same standards.” He chimes, clearly very happy with himself.

“Ethical my a**”

I turn to look at the girl next to me, surprised to hear her voice saying this.

Our eyes meet again but she quickly looks down and scoots her chair slightly further away from me.

I instinctively don’t like it. Too far away. I have to watch her.

Protect her.

Why do I keep thinking like this?!

Am I losing my mind?!

The tests finally reach us and I try my best to focus on the questions in front of me.

>

I finished the test quickly enough but now I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I’ve spent the last 1/2 hour waiting for the rest of the classes to finish their tests and just plead with all the gods in existence to let me go visionless for the remainder of time.

Finally, the professor stands up and calls time for the test.

Hurried movements next to me catch my eye as the guy next me rush to finish writing his last answer.

He finished a while ago but he’s been fixing this essay question the rest of the time. He clearly really cares about this class. I’m taking this class for my major but I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite by far.. maybe because my situation doesn’t feel ethical, so it’s just a sore spot for me.

“Alright class come down row by row and turn in your test.”

This guy is such a stickler for rules and order. But at least it means most of the class will be gone before I leave.

I slowly gather my stuff and start packing up. It then that I feel eyes on me. I look up with my bag in hand and meet his gaze.

I’m not used to anyone really paying that much attention to me. I’ve always assumed people could sense something off about me. Bad omens. A gray cloud. A shroud of death.

But this guy. He holds my stare for longer than normal. I can see the flecks of green around his blue eyes. I’m the one who finally breaks the gaze.

Whatever this guy has in mind, I need to protect him from my chaos.

I can’t see the light leave those gorgeous eyes.

I quickly stand up and throw my bag over my shoulder. Luckily, the class is moving fast enough that I can put a few people between us as we descend the stairs to turn in the exam.

I put my test in the pile when it hits me.

Oh no, not now.

My vision glazes over and the scenes of death start.

Wait who’s fate is this?

I’m on the sidewalk walk around. Why am I in the vision? I see the bicycle coming towards me.

Is this my vision? My fate?

The bike gets closer and I brace to see my own demise..

Then the vision is gone and the lecture hall is back.

I blink my eyes rapidly try to understand what just happened.

I’ve never had a vision where I didn’t see the end. I always see every last moment. Every sad gruesome detail.

It takes me a second to realize someone is holding my arm.

“Are you okay?” The gentle voice speaks to me.

I look back to see him. I flinch at the contact. He’s touched me twice today. Why am I not seeing his fate?

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to grab your arm but you looked.. sick” he pleads as he tries to explain putting his hands on me.

I realize this probably looks like I’m nervous because of that but of course I’m actually not.

“It’s f-fine” I’m not very convincing probably because of the whole brain on fire thing going on inside my head right now.

Was that my own death?

Why didn’t I see the end?

Is it because I won’t be alive to see the death?

Or something else?

And why can this boy keep touch me without visions? One direct contact is like 50/50 chance of vision but two in one day?

Maybe it because I’m going to die soon?

My internal spiral is interrupted by this strange guy again.

“Are you sure? Your eyes.. I thought you were gonna pass out or-“

I cut him off and turn away. “I’m fine, I have to go”

I’m gone before he can say anything else. I run from the building and run down the street. I just keep running.

I definitely should have skipped that test.