Eros: The Obsession

Chapter Thirteen

Ignoring Jun is easier to do when he's on the other side of the country. All it takes is for Tara to resist the urge to answer his phone calls, to reply to his messages. It's when he returns, that things get complicated.

She hears him walk back up to his apartment, footsteps heavy as he lugs his suitcase behind himself. Tara closes her eyes and imagines him clearly. She imagines the way his hair falls across his forehead in soft curls, imagines the way his eyes are hooded in exhaustion. Then she imagines the confusion in his expression when he sees her, slowly replaced by an anger that Tara knows she deserves. Her mind starts to grow hazy the longer she sits on her couch and closes her eyes, and before she knows it, she's standing at the front of her door with her fingers curled around the handle.

He seems to hear her because he stops outside her door. It's silent between them for a moment and Tara holds her breath, afraid to move lest he realizes that she's standing right there. Jun doesn't make a sound either, silent as he waits for her to make a move.

 When she doesn't, he takes a deep breath and in a hesitant, quiet tone, he asks, "Tara?"

The urge to reply is almost overwhelming, her mouth falling open to respond in kind even as she refuses to let her vocal chords work. She chokes back the reply of, "Yes, I'm here," because she knows that she shouldn't even speak to him, lest her infatuation with this man she barely knows consumes her whole. So, instead, she bites her cheek and ignores the way her heart feels like it wants to beat out of her chest and into the arms of the man on the other side of the door. The feeling is so constricting, so demanding that tears spring to her eyes, falling down her cheeks in rivulets as she tries to hide the quiet sniffles it evokes.

Jun waits for a moment more before he sighs, the sound heavy and resigned. He begins walking again and she hears him enter his apartment soon after.

When she goes to bed that night, she presses her ear to the wall and imagines that she can hear the even rhythm of his breathing. She synchronizes her own chest to the beat and falls asleep with her fingers curled into fists as she tries to will away the wall that separates them.

Seeing Jun at work gets progressively harder as the days go by. Tara has taken to waking up extra early to avoid their usual route so that she doesn't cave into her desires. She almost gives up three days in but Lillian's disapproving frown flits into her mind and she renews her resolve even though it feels like it's slowly driving her crazy.

It's when they're in the office, that things get complicated. Jun's desk is seated directly next to hers, so Tara finds her gaze flitting up to the man's side profile every few minutes when she's supposed to be working. They're civil for the most part, even though she avoids trying to have proper conversations with him.

She knows he's angry, can see the frustration that crinkles his expression every time she brushes him off and it makes her feel like a horrible person. But every time she sees Ren, her thoughts flit back to her phone call with Jun and that makes her feel worse – so she settles with the decidedly less morally gray choice.

And she hates it.

It's like she's fighting against this innate part of her that longs to speak to the man, to beg for forgiveness and seek his approval. It's terrifying, the affect he seems to have on her and the foreign feeling just doesn't go away, no matter how long she stays away from him. In fact, it only seems to grow stronger so that her eyes are seeking him out when she shouldn't, so that her fingers itch to trail along his arm.

And then Caroline comes into the picture.

Tara doesn't really know the red-head all that well, save for that she works in the marketing department and that most of the men in her building seem to have a crush on her. And she seems to only want Jun.

It starts of subtly at first – a few suggestive glances, some flirtatious comments thrown Jun's way every now and then. But then she starts to sit with him, sharing her lunch and feeding him bits of fruit whenever she gets the chance to.

And Tara's never been much of a jealous person but the heated anger that roils in her gut can only be that. It's a primal feeling, to stake and claim him for herself, to defend what's hers from this interloper that has suddenly stolen Jun's attention. The intensity of this feeling scares Tara, making her question her own principles when violent images of what she'd like to do to the other woman start to play out inside her mind.

Things only start to spiral when she overhears Caroline tell a co-worker about her plans to ask Jun out. Tara, who comes out of the bathroom stall at that moment, is enraptured with the urge to wind her fingers through Caroline's pretty red locks and pound her head into the porcelain sink so that it decorates the white surface with blood red and brain matter. The image is so vivid that she can hear the crunch of her skull as she beats it into the surface –

And then Caroline calls her name because Tara had been standing in the middle of the bathroom with a carefully blank look, staring at the other woman like a complete weirdo. Tara mumbles out an apology and flees before she does anything she'll regret.

When she overhears that Jun and Caroline are going on a date that Friday night, she pretends that it doesn't affect her. It shouldn't, and she knows that it's not fair to Jun or Ren, so she busies herself with work and crappy sitcoms, trying to ignore the ugly feeling that claws its way up her chest.

She tells herself that she's restless because it's been a strange week, and not because she's been waiting up for the tell-tale click of Jun's shoes outside her apartment. When she hears it, she wishes she hadn't. It's accompanied by another pair, this time a familiar click-clack of heels that she suspects belongs to Caroline. And then she hears the other woman moan, just outside her apartment.

Tara is wrenching the door open before she even registers that she's moving.

At first, she doesn't register anything. It takes her a while for her mind to catch up to what her eyes are seeing, and when she does, Tara feels bile eat its way up the inside of her throat.

Jun has Caroline pressed into the balcony railings, his hands around her waist as his lips drag across her skin. He doesn't even have the decency to look guilty when he turns to face Tara with his kiss swollen lips. A cruel smirk works its way along his lips and that anxious feeling in Tara goes numb, dead.

She doesn't even hear her own words as she speaks to them, doesn't remember walking back into her apartment...

When Tara finally comes to, she's sitting with a giant kitchen knife in her hand. She stares as the cool metal glints within the dim light of her bedroom lamp, uncomprehending and calm. And then her hands begin to tremble. Fear eats away at her nerves, freezing and heating her body at the same time so that she doesn't even know what she's feeling anymore. Tara doesn't know why she has a knife tightly clutched in her palms but a tiny voice in the back of her mind tells her that she doesn't want to find out.

She tosses it to the floor and leans back against the wall, trying to even out her breathing. It doesn't work. Tears begin to leak out of her eyes, flowing rapidly as panic starts to overwhelm her. She presses her palms to her mouth as she starts to sob.

In the midst of her breakdown, she thinks she hears a whisper, barely there but heavy with guilt. "I'm sorry."

 Ren's lips drag across the length of her collarbones, soft and insistent, tongue laving over the litter of love bites that he'd sucked into her skin. And usually, Tara melts at the attention. Usually, she goes putty in his arms, docile with the feeling of love and affection that he gives her. Now, all Tara feels is slight nausea.

Ren's hair is too curly in her palms, his skin too golden and his facial features too sharp. Where the hooded hazel gaze used to make butterflies erupt in her stomach, now sits a shallow disgust at having him so close to her.

Tara feels horrible at the realization, but he doesn't seem to notice her change in mood so she tries to pretend. She closes her eyes and means to only get lost in the sensations, to detach herself from the situation all together, but as soon as her eyelids slide shut, her mind goes into overdrive.

Suddenly, it's not curly brown hair she feels twisting around her fingers, it's long strands of black. The lips that graze her skin aren't small and teasing, but plump and commanding. The voice she hears isn't the deep baritone of her fiancé, but rather the smooth, higher pitched lilt of Jun's voice.

She gasps and it takes the last vestiges of her self-control to keep Jun's name from spewing out her mouth when she moans. With a harsh shove, she scrambles away from Ren, chest heaving with the effort.

His eyes go wide and surprised for a moment, before they soften into worry. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

Tara shakes her head, swallowing a lungful of air as she says, "No, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me today."

A warm palm slides up to her thigh, comforting as it drags back and forth across her skin. Tara hates herself when she pushes the hand away, pulling her knees up to her chest in an effort to make herself seem smaller.

Ren – ever the gentleman – doesn't react to her dismissal. Instead, he gets up with a nod before walking away. Tara is grateful for the space, and even more so when he returns a few minutes later with a mug of tea in hand.

"Here," he hands her the drink before sitting a few spaces away on the edge of the bed.

He doesn't say anything for a while, but the furrow of his brows tells Tara that something is on his mind. Before, she used to take pride in being able to read him like an open book, already knowing what he was going to say before he even said it. Now, she doesn't even recognize the man in front of her – and it's entirely her fault.

"I've been meaning to speak to you," he says at last and Tara's heart drops as her stomach coils with anxiety.

"What about?"

He takes a deep breath, licking his lips as he glances down at his hands before his eyes return to settle on her face. "You've been...distant lately," he continues, "Ever since I proposed." Ever since her dreams of Jun began. 

When she doesn't reply, he adds, "Are you having second thoughts?"

”No!" Tara exclaims instinctively, eyes widening in panic. "Nothing like that!"

"Then what is it?" he asks, eyes downturned in sadness. "You've been so distant lately, and you keep having these nightmares that you won't tell me about. I just feel like you're pushing me away and I don't really know why."

Tara swallows around the guilt lodged in her throat as she says, "I'm just...dealing with some things," she tells him. "Private things that I can't really share with anyone else."

"I'm supposed to be your husband in a few months," Ren's brows furrow, this time in frustration. "How can I marry you knowing that there are things you're keeping from me?" A beat of silence passes before he whispers, in a broken tone. "Do you even want to get married?"

Tara's first instinct is to reply with a resolute, 'yes', but she bites her tongue. She doesn't know what she wants currently and leading Ren on when she hasn't figured things out only sounds like a horrible idea for the both of them.

So she hangs her head in shame, avoiding his searching gaze.

Ren gasps and when she looks up, his eyes are rimmed with tears, hurt breaking the usually kind expression he wears. "Fine," he grits out, standing to his feet with a clenched jaw. He looks like he wants to say something, mouth opening and closing. Finally, he musters up the courage, taking a deep breath before asking, "Is this about Jun?"

Hot, shameful tears begin to leak down Tara's cheeks, her lip wobbling with the emotion she tries to keep at bay. She doesn't reply but her reaction is answer enough. He nods with a self-deprecating smirk. Ren doesn't saying anything else, simply turns on his heels and storms out her apartment.

Once he's gone, Tara curls in on herself, her guilt warring with relief.