Fight For Us

Chapter Three

    "Stupid girl!" I grabbed another handful of sunflower seeds and threw them into my mouth. "Stupid heart. Stupid, stupid, stupid!.

    I knew this party was going to be hard, but I didn't think that it would almost be the death of me.

    I tried to avoid his gaze, the entire time. I talked to everyone but him, and now, I'm so frustrated that I can't sleep, which is what brought me downstairs to snack on sunflower seeds.

    My mother had moved off the farm two years ago. My sister got married, had kids, and moved four hours away. This land has been in my mother's family for over a hundred years, and I love this place so when my mom had talked about selling it I couldn't let her, so I ended up taking over it. Well, I sort of took over.

    We've had the same staff since I was a kid, and they'll probably stay on board until they die. They run it even though my name is on the deed.

    "What are you doing out here, Bean?" Jimmy, the foreman and my godfather, asked.

    "Thinking."

    "About that Allwood boy I'm guessing since I aint seen that look in a long time."

    I turned with a sad smile. "He's back."

    "I heard rumors he would be, but thought there was still time."

    Yeah, we all knew, but it doesn't make it easier. It's like when a hurricane forms off the coast. Everyone stands by the television, watching it build and move. Predictions come in, and all anyone can do is wait and pray it doesn't hit. Then the turn comes and...bam.

    I'm the eye.

    "Yeah, a few weeks. But, it's not big deal. I really don't care when he comes back since I don't plan to see much of him."

    He let's out a low chuckle. "Sure, so now you're lying to yourself?"

    I roll my eyes. "It's better than admitting the truth."

    "Maybe so, Bean, but you're much smarter than that. Lies like that never end well. It's better to cut the head off the snake now.

    The imagery of that makes me laugh. "I thought, by now, it wouldn't bother me so much. I figured that I would be over him or that being close to him wouldn't make me want to throw myself into his arms and beg him to love me again."

    He rests his hands on my shoulder and squeezes gently. "Only way to get over it is to finally deal with it. Go on to bed and rest. You'll think better in the morning. He's a fool if he doesn't see the treasure you are."    

    Jimmy is like a father to me. He's been there each day since I was a little girl, and when my father took off fifteen years ago, Jimmy was who gave me paternal advice. When my father never came back, called, wrote or sent smoke signals, it was Jimmy who made it hurt just a little less. 

    Although, no amount of love from him could save me from the pain I went though when I lost Dylan.

    "I wish I could say that any man felt that way, but they always leave."

    Jimmy shakes his head. "Not all, Bean."

    "You're paid to love me," I joke.

    "Not nearly enough considering the trouble you get into. I seem to remember covering tread marks in the snow a few times when you snuck out."

    I smile recalling the night. It was impossible to resist going to see Dylan. At night, when I felt alone, it was his warmth I craved, I would cry, wishing my dad would come back and love me, while Dylan would hold me close.

    And then there were other times I simply wanted to make out with my very hot boyfriend. Still, Jimmy kept my secrets from my mother and then scolded me later.

    "I'm not a little girl anymore, and you're still here."

    He chuckles. "Now it seems I can't imagine being anywhere else. Go on back to the house and sleep."

    My hands covered his and I nod, "I'll head in soon."

    Jimmy knows better than to push. He pulls back, and I'm alone again. Maybe he's right. I need to face Dylan and be honest with him and myself. He broke me, and I'm not doing myself any favors by pretending otherwise.

    I sit on the cool grass as the sun starts to come up over the tree line. Time passes as I watch the sky become painted in warm pinks and reds as the blues and blacks fade away and I let the new day wash over me. I can do this.

    I'm smart, and I've gone places in my life too. For a small-town lawyer, I'm accomplished, and I help people. This farm helps people, and I do it all on my own.

    "I'm a treasure. I'm a good woman who loves you still. If you  don't see that, then screw you, Dylan Attwood!"

    "Well, I'm sure we could arrange that," he says from behind me. 

    No, no, no this isn't happening.

    I get to my feet, needing the height even though he towers over me. He has always been so tall and strong. It was what I loved, I was precious to him, and he always did what he could to make sure I knew it.

    "It wasn't an offer."

    He grins. "I know. I'm just trying to make light of it. Can we talk?"

    All the bravado I had about being honest is gone. "I can't. I have to go to work."

    "Just a few minutes, Ames. I know I don't deserve it., but I'd like to talk. We have a lot of time coming up that we'll have to be around each other, and I'd like us to be civil.

    Like that's ever going to happen.

    "I don't know that we'll manage that."

    "Maybe not, but we can at least try."

    I release a heavy sigh. "Maybe."

    "I really did miss you," he says, and a part of my cold heart thaws. "I know you're worth everything, and ..."

    "And you let me go."

    His eyes close and then he clenches his fist. "It wasn't what you thought."

    "It was exactly what I thought. You were done with me, and you threw me away! Just like my father did! You were exactly like him, Dylan."

    "No! I was nothing like your father!" I see the devastation in his eyes and turn away.

    It is the same thing. When he was through with me, he tossed me aside. "You say that, but you did exactly what you promised not to. You left me without ever coming back."

    "I needed to!"

    "Why? Why did you need to?"

    I find myself inching closer to him as my anger grows.

    "It doesn't matter now."

    God that's where he's wrong. "It matters to me. Do you understand I've spent years trying to understand it? There are no answers. No clues as to why, Just one day you show up and decide we're over."

    He shakes his head, seeming to grapple with whatever is on his mind. "I did what I had to."

    "What you had to? What the hell does that mean?" I yell and shove at his chest, but he steps with me, as through we're tow magnets being pulled.

    Dylan's hands grips my wrist, thumb stroking tenderly over my rapid pulse. His voice is soft, but there's strain in the syllables as his eyes bore into mine. "I couldn't hurt you again. I couldn't...I had to stay away. But now...now, I can't."

    "Now you have to," I remind him.

    "Tell me you don't feel this."

    I close my eyes, knowing that I can't see him when I lie. "I feel nothing."

    "Do you know what I feel?"

    I still won't look at him, but I'm not resisting as much as I should considering I still haven't pulled my arm back.

    He speaks quietly in the cool air as we stand at our pond, the place where everything began for us. "I feel like my heart is going to burst from beating so hard. I feel as though every nerve that has been dormant for years is awake. I feel the warmth of your breath, and the way your pulse is quickening now, and God, Ames, I know I should stay away from you, but...."

    My eyes open, and those piercing blue eyes stare back at me. I know what's coming. He's giving me an out, but I'm unable to take it. His arms wrap around me, and then Dylan kisses me.

    His kiss feels like home. It's as though every old memory is passing between our breaths, full of hope and forgiveness.

    Every piece of anger and frustration I had is gone. I can't remember why I hate him. I can't think of anything but how for eight, long years I've wanted this.

    Dylan's hands cradle my face, tilting my head to the right angle. Each brush of his tongue against mine wipes away another piece of the hurt. I'm a fool, yes I know this. Even in the back of my mind, I hear a little voice telling me to stop him, but I silence it.

    I needed to touch him and have him. He's the only man I've ever made love to.

    It's been so long-far too long, and God, right now, I want him more than self-preservation. 

    He moves his hands down to my neck and then my shoulders, pulling me closer to his chest. My fingers grip his shirt, refusing to relax even an inch. I won't let him go this time. I can't.

    I wasn't lying when I told Sallie that I've dreamed and hoped he and I would find a way to have each other again. And if this is all I'll ever get, I won't waste it. I kiss him back, pouring every emotion I've felt since the day he left into this kiss.

    "Dylan," I say as I slide my hands around to his back. He is solid and sure. I need this. "Please."

    "Don't beg, Ames. I can't..."

    Our foreheads touch as struggle for breath. "I'm not begging, just asking."

    His beautiful blue eyes find mine, searching for something. "What are you asking for?"

    I know better than to ask for his heart, and I'm smart enough to know that this...this will never work. We're too broken and too much time has gone by. I may always love Dylan, but I can never trust him not to hurt me.

    I think about what it is I need-goodbye.

    "Love me for right now so we can finally let go."

                                                            ***

    I consider myself a smart woman. I usually make good choices and follow a set of morals that my mother worked very hard to instill in me.

    Right now, I'm the dumbest girl who ever lived. Here I am, on the grass by this stupid pond with our discarded clothes as a blanket, and I'm naked-with Dylan.

    The only other possible excuse is that I'm in a second dimension and this isn't really happening.

    Yes, that must be it because there's really no other reason to explain why Dylan is on top of me, struggling to catch his breath after we had s*x.

    God, I had s*x with Dylan.

    What the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking?    

    I wasn't thinking, that's for damn sure. I convinced myself this was, what? Goodbye s*x? Some weird version of closure and not because I'm lonely and miss his stupid ass? I know better than this.

    Maybe this is a dream? A really vivid one, but maybe I didn't do this...

    I life my fingers and pinch him. "Ouch! What was that for?"

    Yup, he's real, and this really happened. "Checking if this was a dream."

    He looks down at me. "It was real."

    I shove him, and he accommodates me by moving to the side. "Great."

    This was a mistake, and I need to get out of her. I grab my shirt, which is cold from being on the ground, and pull it back on before turning to look for my pants.

    "Ames." His voice slides over my name.

    "It's fine. We're fine. It'll be fine. As soon as I find my pants." Seriously, did they disintegrated when he touch them?" I got to my feet and start to look around, hating the tears that burn in the backs of my eyes.

    I'm so angry that all it took was one kiss for me to lose my mind and completely and conjure all kinds of excuses as to why this was okay. He's never gonna stay here, and I'm sure as hell never leaving. Not that he's offering anything.

    Jesus, get it together.

    "I came here to talk...I don't know how we..."

    I turn quickly, my hair fanning out and then slapping me in the face. "How we what? Ended up naked and screwing like teenagers in the freaking wide open?"

    He runs his hand down his face, looking disheveled and irresistible. "I was going to say ended up here, but that's fine too."

    I glare at him and then go back to my task.

    My hands are shaking and I refuse to think about what any of it means or what the hell I did. I have to work today. Plus, I wanted closure, so I'm going to take this as my opportunity to slam the proverbial door and leave.

    "It's not like we haven't done this many times here at the pond before. It always worked when we were teenagers."

    "You know what doesn't work? No pants!" I yell as my emotions boil over. "I need to get out of here and call a shrink because I'm clearly having a mental breakdown."

    "Because..."

    I turn glaring at him. "Because I'm smart. Because I don't do this. Because I.."

    "You have a boyfriend."

    Great. I forgot about that. I cheated on my fictional boyfriend. "I have that too, but mostly, I have regret.:

    Hurt flashes in his eyes. "We need to talk about what just happened."

    I shake my head, "No, I need to go, and you need to let me."

    Dylan leans down, grabs something, and then sits back up. "Here," he says, holding my aforementioned missing pants out to me .

    I take them and pull them on, neither of us say a word. What can be said anyways? We both made a huge mistake.

    He dresses, and we both stand here, looking at each other.

    "I know you said your didn't want to talk, but hopefully, you'll listen. I didn't come looking for you to end up like that. I came because I didn't want us to be enemies and hoped that maybe we could find some common ground. I was young, and I know that I hurt you.

    "You destroyed me," I corrected him.

    "I was stupid."

    I will myself not to cry. I won't give myself over to the flurry of emotions that are swirling inside. Yes, there's anger, but more than anything, there's hurt. I'm in pain because looking at him, touching him, and hearing his voice has brought it all back again.

    When he was inside me I felt whole.

    A missing piece of me was found and back in place. And that is the biggest lie I can ever allow myself to feel.

    He isn't going to stay or put me back together. He'll leave.