The Liberian

Chapter 71

“Our father would like to host you for breakfast.”

Halle blinked at the prince, fairly certain she heard him wrong. “Wh-why?” She stared in shock. The last time Halle had seen the Emperor up close he was passing judgment on her for an attempt on his son’s life. Halle sought silent guidance from Derek, but he had that stony walled-off glare he got around his brother.

“To thank you, I am sure,” Prince Baldair answered.

“She needs her rest,” Derek objected.

“Surely she has to eat?” the younger prince protested.

“I’m not in a state that is fit to see—” Halle paused; she couldn’t say “royalty” as half of the Imperial family was before her. “—to see the Emperor,” she finished.

“Father understands your situation. Don’t fret over decorum,” the golden prince countered with a smile.

Halle picked at the bandages around her fingers. “I suppose I cannot refuse my Emperor,” she said softly.

Derek looked at her with marked concern. “I will speak to my father.”

“It’s just breakfast.” Halle tried to reassure herself more than anyone else. Derek stared hopelessly at her, and she gave him an apologetic look.

“Excellent! An hour then.” Baldair clapped his hands together and left.

Derek shifted, pulling a chain that ran from a button to his pocket. He glanced at the silver pocket watch she’d admired on more than one night after their Projection practice. “You shouldn’t have agreed,” he murmured and returned to his prior position.

“Derek, when will you understand?” She struggled to sit again, pressing the heel of her palm to her forehead with a sigh. “I am never in a position to refuse your family.”

“What?” He seemed honestly confused.

Halle smiled tiredly, it was cute how clueless he was at times. “I am nothing, no rank or title. More so, I’m property of the crown. You or any of your family could order anything of me, and I would be forced to oblige.” Halle ran a hand up his forearm, but he pulled away briskly.

“Do you just oblige me?” Derek asked coolly.

Halle laughed. “Of course not. I enjoy being near you, hearing your thoughts, spending time with you. You’re one of the best things that have ever happened to me.” Halle smiled at him, and she saw the prince relax. How had she never realized how insecure he was?

“You’re so funny. Do I oblige you? Derek, I—” Halle stopped herself, her smile slipping in the wake of a revelation. “—I—”

Love you.

That’s what her mind wanted to say, and it hit her harder than the sandstorm.

“You?” He let the word hang expectantly.

Halle inhaled sharply. “I ...”

It was hopeless; she was hopeless. She loved him, and she couldn’t deny it anymore. One look had spurred her to race to a likely death on the notion of saving him. Now that she realized it, she realized how long she’d been hopelessly falling for this infuriating, charming, enigma of a man.

“Well, I ...” Halle met those dark black eyes. All the moments of his gaze came back to her in a flood of emotion. She remembered a night forever ago when he had held her with his stare alone in the library, pulling her from a dream. Halle remembered gazing into them as he’d held her during the gala, how she’d wanted him. She remembered waking up to them, more than once now, and wanting to see nothing more every time she roused.

“I really, truly ...” Halle reached out and touched his cheek lightly. His gaze had turned serious, and his breathing was shallower. Her stomach twisted in a knot. She could never, she would never, should never, have this man. And, for once, Halle gave into the alarms in her head.

“I love to be someone you consider your friend.”

Derek considered her for a long moment. His lips parted slightly and his eyes scanned her face. Halle wasn’t sure what he was looking for. Derek inhaled sharply, opened his mouth. Halle’s heart skipped two beats. He deflated and avoided her expectant stare.

“You should get ready to meet Father,” he said softly. Derek stood and adjusted his double-breasted coat without so much as a glance back at her. “I will return in thirty minutes.”

Halle tried to get in another word but the door had already closed behind him. She drew a quivering breath. “I love you, Derek,” she whispered into the silent air. The next breath was shakier than the last, the breath after was stuck in her throat with a pained whimper that she could only dislodge by releasing the tears.

Halle balled her hands into fists and buried her eyes in them. She had to compose herself; this was not the place or time to lose her wits over being in love with the crown prince.

First, she attempted denial. It wasn’t possibly love. She’d almost died, and he’d held her, he’d given her comfort. She was just clinging to him in an emotional state. Halle laughed with a hiccup and a rasp. She wasn’t sure if she had ever loved before, but she knew that this was it.

Then she tried to blame it on the Bond or the Joining. Clearly, it had affected both of them in multiple ways that was barely understood. It was creating something out of nothing. It had always been there as long as she had known him.

No, for as little she knew about the Bond academically, Halle was confident in her feeling of it. She felt the extension of herself into him, the calm his proximity brought from having that piece near her again. The Bond was a door, a window, a Channel; it didn’t alter them, it just gave them access to what lay beyond in the other. It let the truths they tried to keep hidden be exposed.

Finally, she attempted reason. Halle assured herself that it was simply a result of spending so much time with him on the march. Even Prince Baldair mentioned the needs one will have naturally. She saw him every day, he was her teacher, and it was easy to develop feelings for someone in such a position. Halle looked down at her palms. It wasn’t just the march.

Halle sighed, reclining onto the bed. She wasn’t sure when it had happened. Closing her eyes, she let the memories come in a painful flood of quiet sobs, looking at them in a way she never had before. Was it the moment he dropped those papers everywhere, when she stayed in that rose garden a minute longer than she had planned, his apology? Perhaps it was the moment he had run to her side, casting away whatever official duty he had when his brother and father returned South. Was it the minute her heart fluttered when he confessed he wanted to see her again? Or knowing he had begun to go out of his way for her? Could it have even started before she knew who he was but relished his mind through that beautifully curved script?

She realized that whenever it had happened, she had loved him before the moment he had seen her with Sareem. When her heart tightened with worry that he would think she was someone else’s. She had loved him when she had chosen to wear the black gala gown rather than an appropriately colored one. She loved him when she wanted nothing more than for him to stay by her side in the palace and never go off to war again.

Everything after had just been denial.

Halle opened her eyes and placed a hand over her mouth, muffling her tears. Now she knew. She knew that she was hopelessly in love with a man who would eventually leave her life. It was an earth-shattering revelation. Even if somehow they managed to stay near to each other by living in the palace, he would someday be the Emperor. He would marry someone befitting of his station, and she’d have to kneel before him and the woman who would be her Empress and mother of his children.

He had said titles didn’t matter, that he could give her any he wanted as the prince or Emperor. She’d believed him because she wanted to. She wanted to think it could be simple and beautiful. Halle had never told him why she was so wounded by Ledia’s words. That she wished for nobility to make it acceptable in the eyes of society for her to be around him. Not just as a friend, but as a lover. If he knew, he likely would’ve never said anything of granting her whatever title she wished.

The door opened suddenly, startling her. Snapping her head to the entry she saw Arel holding a small bundle of clothes. Halle tried to smile, she tried to be strong, but she only found herself crumbling again.

“Arel,” she choked out weakly. The other woman ran over, dropping the clothes on the foot of the bed and placing her hands on Halle’s shoulders.

“Halle, what is it? What hurts?” Arel inspected her bandages quickly.

Halle shook her head, dropping it into her hands. She couldn’t handle the concern; she couldn’t handle the shame for why she was breaking apart.

“Halle, please,” Arel pleaded.

“I love him,” she whispered through a ragged breath.

“What?” Arel asked, leaning closer.

“I love Derek.” Halle searched the other woman’s expression for something, anything.

“Oh, Halle,” Arel enfolded her into a warm hug. The motion shattered her control and Halle openly sobbed into Arel’s shirt. “Hush, hush ... What’s so awful about that?” Arel leaned back slightly, tilting her head to look at her.

“Because, because he will never want someone like me. Because I am not good enough to even deserve half of what he’s given me. Because, at the end of everything, no matter what we are, he will leave. Because I think he’s wonderful, and everything I will never have. Because ...” Halle took a shuddering breath. “Because, I don’t know if I’ve ever loved like this before and it terrifies me.”

Arel gave her a kind, tired smile. She ran her hand through Halle’s hair and pulled her close again. Arel stroked her back, and Halle allowed herself to shamelessly take in every comfort the other woman offered and then some. Eventually her initial panic—compounded through fear and despair—weakened and her tears returned to the realm of control.

“Halle,” Arel finally said. “I will not tell you what way is best. I cannot even pretend to know.” She sighed. “I will tell you that once something is broken with Derek, it is very difficult to fix it.” There was a sincere sorrow in the softness of Arel’s voice. “I will also tell you that you’re right, in this way it’s likely impossible for you to be anything permanent in his life. That if you try, you’re probably going to be met with heartbreak. You have to decide if the moment, however long it lasts, is worth overcoming that fear. Is worth him.”

Halle sighed, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She wondered when Arel became so insightful and wished that the wisdom had been in her life much earlier than just the past year.

“To him, I’m just a—” Halle wasn’t sure what she was to the crown prince. She was more than his subject. Student didn’t seem to quite cover the extent of their relationship. A friend? Even that seemed laughable; she couldn’t ever recall holding her friends as she had held him before. “A ...” Halle paused, she didn’t have a good answer.

“I wouldn’t say just anything about you, Halle. I think you’re a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Especially to him.” Arel met her eyes with an unwavering stare. When it became clear she had no more words, Arel shifted, picking up the clothes.

“You’re going to meet the Emperor soon. I figured you’d want a change of clothes; I hope I chose all right, half isn’t dry yet.”

Halle considered Arel’s choice. Tan leather leggings with a gray woolen long-sleeved tunic. They smelled like crisp morning air, and the lack of grime further confirmed that they had been washed.

“How did you know?”

“Derek found me.” Arel smiled softly, and Halle gave a weak laugh. “Do you want help changing?” the older woman asked.

Halle shook her head. “Compared to some other experiences I’ve had when I’ve used that much magic, this isn’t that bad.” She could already feel the potion Derek had given her working.

Arel nodded. “All right, I’ll leave you to it then. I’d recommend this one before you go.” Arel pulled a vial of purple liquid and placed it by the chest of medicinal items. “It’ll numb things a bit and should level your head, if you need.”