BLAMELESS SORROWS

4.Shifting!

Heri's Point of View.

I have reach home, and is currently inside but definitely not having a peace of mind. I keep on shaking and my heart is about to burst. I hardly know not what Iam feeling at the moment but Iam quite sure fear is prominently standing out among my blurry emotions.

I can't think of anything else, the only thing I keep on seeing and that keep on crossing my mind is the black fur and the red eye which seems to be haunting me.

I don't really understand anymore, I mean its not like it hurt me or attack me in anyway, so does it make sense that Iam this scared of it.

Meeting a beast in a jungle is scary, but if the beast even drop you home and offer you food, am I suppose to fear it more or less?

I mean I know that the beast is not fully a beast, and I have been studying and learning about him all this while, so why am I so scared. I shouldn't be.

I know how much he fear contact with other people when he shift, I know how much he tried to hide his real self just because of this, and I know how much he regret and hate himself hor ever hurting her. Only I know, how much and how truly he hurt, since he was just a little kid.

I keep on saying that I feel bad for him, that I want to tell him how much of a good person he is, and that he definitely is not the monster he think of himself as. I thought the first time I will ever saw him, I will tell him that he did nothing wrong and that he should stop hating himself. That everything was out of control and nothing was anyone's fault.

I keep on thinking this way, but I can't believe I run the first chance I got when I do get the chance. I can't believe I show how much scared I was without even acting to hide it, when I know he hates and fear the thought of people fearing him the most. Have I really gone crazy or Iam really really a coward, scared of everything.

I still vividly remember the first time he wrote a diary. Has it been ten years already since the first time I got to know him?

But nonetheless the first day he wrote,

13 October 2009

Mom and dad is gone. What should I do now?

Iam just fifteen year old boy, am I strong enough to take care of me and the people around me?

No.

Cause today I met my monster, he is black, super black. And have an eye as red as a burning fire.

I s***h aunt Meridith, blood covered her whole arms.

But she is not angry, rather try to comfort me.

But a monster don't deserve that.

It's great that at least I can confide in someone, even though you are just papers, my dear diary!

I remember being confuse as I read that, but also remember saying a small prayer for the fifteen year old to find any kind of comfort he truly need.

But who does he s***h, why does he do so, and why is he calling himself a monster? Who is the black beast, with red eyes? Why does he call the monster his?

Too many question and no one to answer at all.

May 6, 2010

Iam sixteen from today, and unlike what I had hope for, nothing good has happened since I was fifteen.

But bad things did have happen, Aunt Meridith had left for good.

Or rather I have chase her away finally, but not willingly rather I was forced to.

I love her the most, she is the mother I never could have.

And thats why she has to go,

I have hurt her once and I may do it twice, I can't control myself in that form.

When I first shift to the black beast for the first time, It felt so so so scary.

I look so scary, so black, eye so fierce,

full of furs. A beast.

And worse off the pain that bring with it is crushing, I could not even try to control myself in that pain.

I could not look at myself without fear, I kind of know what Iam doing but I could not control my action. The beast s***h at aunt Meridith and I tried with all my might to stop myself but I couldn't.

And there I knew, I can't control myself in my beast form. I know what I do, but I can't control it.

And there I knew, Iam truly a monster.

So in this birthday my wish is for God to let all my love ones, all go away from me.

I still gasp at the small boy heartfelt and painful wish.

And when he is sixteen I got to know the beast he was referring to before was himself.

And because I know a lot of knowledge, this time I learn the legend of Iklu is not just a legend.

A long time back, there was a legend that a family is there in Iklu, and this family posses an extraordinary ability which is to turn themselves into a beast as they wish.

They are said to posses inhumane strength and has an energy which is so powerful that it can knock out a whole standing army. And thus, they are said to be among the famed knights of the time.

But with time, there were no longer war on Iklu, and peace was maintained thoroughly as one of the royal was able to seperate Iklu from the whole world and exist as a parallel world.

So with no war, many of the knight slowly start to lose their purpose and the respect they used to enjoy. So the famed knight of Iklu disperse and went their own way. And thus with no more war, the story of the beast slowly but gradually become just a legend or rather a myth.

And thus, in this age hardly anyone believe in them.

But I guess there really is that blood in Iklu, there really is no smoke without fire.

But reading all this, I know one thing for sure and that is today is also my birthday. So we share the same day as a birthday, and because I cannot do anything else to comfort him.

So for my birthday, I wish that all his love one will find a way to stay with him happily and all safely. This prayer is all I can give you, Iam sorry.

I wait eagerly for him to write his dairy again but nothing happens and like this a year passed.

May 6, 2011

Hey, I have turn seventeen this year. And like last year nothing have change for the better.

Except that aunt Meridith has been in contact despite my unwillingness, and has sent me many many letters and messages.

She send me a birthday cake today and wish me a healthy and blessed life ahead. But I don't think I deserve that.

How can I deserve this, after I make everyone's life so miserable. Aunt Meredith one arm is paralysed because of me and yet how can I be happy.

It was me who attack her completely on a spiral, the beast eager to attack anyone, blood boiling in rage because of the unbearable pain I went through while shifting.

I did all that, so how dare I wish for forgiveness. A monster like me should never be forgiven.

So this year my birthday wish is for Aunt Meridith to remain happy and blessed while forgetting completely about me.

As I read those words, even as young as I was, I remember I thought that nothing is his fault.

An uncontrollable occuring is something no one should be blamed of. My young mind thought at that moment that if I ever got to meet him, I would most definitely tell him that this is not his fault.

And that he shoud stop feeling guilty about something he has no control of.

If I could I would have told him, that it's okay for him to be happy and that with time he surely will be able to control his beast.

Cause I know in the chronology ok Iklu, which is only accessible to the royals and to people they allow and of course my family and the Coys. There something about the beast is written. And among which, there is a point written that the beast will come out only when a person is in his adult age.

But if it did happen that something trigger the beast transformation to happen quicker, then it is dangerous as the young boy won't be able to control the action of the beast. And won't know when he will transform as the pattern won't follow in such cases. But when he does become an adult, the normal way of shifting only when the season arrive will follow.

I wish I could share this information with him so badly, that it will be a bit better so soon.

But nonetheless, for my birthday this year, I hope that aunt Meridith will continue to love him more and more.

May 6, 2012

Hey, today I turn eighteen.

Shall I call it lucky or nerve wrecking, but since the day I shift, the day my dad pass, the day I hurt aunt Meridith. I haven't shifted once. I kind of pray that it was just a one time thing and that the bad phase has past and nothing will happen anymore.

So this year my wish is, for the beast to never appear again.

Oh no, he will be disappointed. Cause if we follow along the chronology, this year he will be an adult which means when the season come he will surely shift and will do every season.

By season I mean during the month of August, where all the corn ripen and all the grown crops grow it's harvest.

During this time, the beast will come out to face the nature, and will remain in beats form for a day or days, depend on his control. And this will happen whether he likes it or not.

But other than this month, he can chose when to shift to the beast form or remain a human is also his call.

So for my birthday this year, I pray that he won't be too disappointed when he found out that he will shift once again.

May 6, 2013

Hey, this year Iam nineteen.

You will think I will continue with good news like last time, but no this year I learn that the beast turning is no one timing thing.

And I also learn that when all the corns turn golden, then I will shift into a beast each year even without my consent.

By the way, aunt Meredith is back and she was the one who told me all this. Looking at her unmoving hand I could not even describe the pain and guilt that hit me mercilessly. But the only thing she want is to stay with me, so how can I say no to that, when I myself want it so much.

She said this beastly blood flow in our family and we have shift to beast since ancient time. But it seems sometime a gap might happen thus my dad and grandpa don't shift. Aunt Meredith said because of this, they thought I will be the same but sadly no Iam not.

And because of this I have to shift every year.

So unsurprisingly I have start to hate corns and even the month it ripe, as I know during this time I will face the monster that Iam.

Aunt says as Iam an adult now, I will be able to control the beast but last year when I shift I can hardly move my hand according to my will.

Anyway, this year I decide to accept it. So this time I wish that at least I can control my beast even when its awaken and that I will never in my life hurt anyone like I did to my aunt.

Thank god, at leats he have his aunt with him now. And also thanks heaven, he is not that shattered about it anymore.

At least he have learn to accept it even though it's hard.

For my birthday this year, I pray that his wish may come true.

May 6, 2014.

Hey, Iam back again and yes Iam 20 now.

This year I did shift again, and no surprise there. But this time the shift was not that painfull.

But someone saw me this time when I shift, and the fear and horror in his eye scared me instead. He shout monster and run away, running for his life.

Isn't it funny that he is the closest I'm with, my only friend. But even him he will run for the hill when he saw me. Iam so so scared of the fear in his eye, cause I know that fear mimics my own as I look at myself.

But I know I can't succumb to the dark again, so this time for all the merits I have, I ask the fruit gatherer for a forest.

She smile as I said that and grant me one with no question ask, she even reserved the forest in her name so that no one can enter except me of course, like I had wished for. But despite all my weird wishes the small girl does not even raise a question but just grant me my wish. As if she knew about everything, even nothing is said.

The forest is welly fortified and all accomotation intact, so I guess the beast have his home now.

Anyway, this year I don't have a wish, I seems to have more than I deserve.

No no, how can he think he have more than he deserve? He deserve much much more.

So for my birthday this year, I hope for him to be a little bit happier and recieve much more love than he have now.

And also, he know The Fruit Basket and she made a forest for him; which means the forest is the Kasha forest which is just behind our mansion.

I know this because, in Iklu there is only one forest that the fruit basket grow herself and that is Kasha. Wow he is nearer to me than I could ever imagine.

May 6, 2015

Hey there, A twenty one year old guys here.

This year nothing specifical happen except that I did went and stay in the forest when I shift this year.

And rather than the comfort and freedom I was hoping for, all I feel was hunger and coldness and fear.

I hunt due to hunger but as I tried to eat it, I can't. I tried to cook myself something but that too I can't, it's like I know how to but at the same time I don't. What I can do fluently as a human, I can't do that in my beast form. It's like the beast don't have the skill.

Me all by myself in the dark forest with nothing to lean on, no one to talk to and no warm to get from. Emotionally, physically I feel drained. The forest is really really scary. Although this is funny because I thought, Iam a beast now but I guess there is a side in me that want to act human.

But the loneliness and fear I feel as I sit through the night in the forest, it pained my heart and left a scar in me I never knew will ever come.

And also, For this year birthday, I decide I don't want to wish anymore. It feel too useless and hurt too bad to know that, I only have a birthday wish to expect something of.

How sad, but even this time I will wish for you instead.

So for this year's birthday, I wish he could learn to love himself just a little bit more and find something that make him happy again.

May 6, 2016

Hey there, twenty two.

I have a surprised for you today,

This time when I went to the forest I learn that someone has enter the forest besides me which scared the daylight out of me.

But the person was nowhere to be found, rather it leave many many food or meats all around the forest.

A fire was started somewhere by them I suppose, making me warm and the place lighted.

What a grateful feeling.

Although they may not know that Iam there and that I will find what they left helpfull but Iam still grateful.

I have a birthday wish this year cause this is the only thing I can offer right now.

So god please listen to me this time, let the person whoever bring me warmness stay blessed forever.

This is funny, he is giving me his birthday wishes while I give him mine.

The person he is talking about is me, I keep on thinking about it and decide the least I could do was, give him a little thing to eat and a little warm to enjoy when he is so lonely and sad.

So when I know the season has come again, I went in the forest and leave a lot of cooked meat and start a small fire with safety points taken.

He normally write down a one line when he feels like he is shifting in his dairy, it's always the one line.

"I guess the beast is going to be free from its weak cage again"

So I know when he will shift which Iam so so thankful for right now.

And Iam aslo glad he think I left what I left by mistake, this way at least he will have a peace of mind and at least hunger and cold won't be his problem for a while

So this time as well, for my birthday I wish that I could be able to provide him this warm as long as possible and him to be able to enjoy this comfort for as long as possible.