Queen of Them

Chapter2

It took about four days before the knot in my stomach was released. For the first few days, I stayed away. I didn’t really know why, just that my gut told me not to go. To not go see him. I never really had the personality to shy away from something like this, to admit defeat by something as ridiculous as my feelings. But here I was. Sitting in my room, scared of even my own shadow. By the third day, angry at myself for being such a coward, I had forced myself to go back to my spot. And at least spend some time there.

If my grandparents or my sisters seemed worried, they wouldn’t let me know about it. Instead, I had overheard my grandmother telling my sister Elizabeth to leave me alone. That eventually I would figure it out and make the right decision.

What decision? I only figured that out later, and now, looking back on those days, I can only feel anger and resentment towards the people that I had once loved. They knew. They knew the whole time and had refused to say anything to me. I had always wondered if it was part of the deal, that they couldn’t say anything to any of us. Since at the time of the deal they didn't know what would happen, or who would have been chosen. They never really explained. Since then, I have stopped all communication with them shortly after. Since…well.

And it was as if he had known about my hesitation, for when I had reached my spot, I saw that he had planted rows of plants on the whole embankment on the side of one of the hills. There were some flowers that were blooming, but the others were just little green foliage surrounded by freshly dug dirt. He had also put up a canopy under the weeping willow, and under it was an assortment of brightly colored pillows on top of a rug that had several beautiful, intricate designs. There were a few large rattan chairs that had an overstuffed pillow as its cushion, along with a few side tables, a small fire pit that had a kettle and a grill on it. On one of the side tables, I found a copy of one of my favorite books, The Grimm Fairy Tale collection, that had a single red rose tucked right inside the cover of it. There was no note, but I could only assume it had to be him. I had hoped that it was him, and that maybe just maybe this was his way of showing me that he liked me.

During the next few weeks, just thinking about what he had done, made me smile. And every day, when I ventured out to my spot, I had hoped that I would see him again. I dreamed about seeing him again, I dreamed of him admitting his feelings for me. Holding my hand. Kissing me. Soon, my dreams would leak out in the day, as I gave up reading and instead started to write down all the little fantasies that I had of him. Thinking that if I could just make those fleeting feelings real on paper, that they could turn out to be real in life. But he never came.

By mid-June, I started to feel disappointed. Confused about why I hadn’t seen him in a while. I knew he kept coming around as I found his notes full of apologies and jokes on top of a bag of strawberries, or other snacks that I would eat throughout the day. By then, I started to write back to him. Leaving my own messages with some minor gifts of my own. I didn’t have anything extravagant, like how he re-did my spot to make it more comfortable, but I did leave him a bag of chocolate chip cookies that I had made from scratch, stuffed, and tucked in some place safe where the animals couldn’t get them.

We kept this small form of communication until finally at the end of June, until I finally asked if I had done something for him to not come around.

“Of course not! The truth is I have been busy with some family issues, and some of my friends from school came over to camp. Why does the fearless Thomyris miss me? Anyway, those cookies you made the other day were delicious. Is there any way I can ask you to make more? I owe you.”

I could hear his sly smile as I read it, and I couldn’t help but smile at it. It was a small relief that he wasn’t mad at me. I couldn’t help but feel left out at hanging out with his friends, as it started to make me doubt that he likes to see me. Maybe I was an embarrassment to him. In more of an act to prove to myself that I was wrong, I replied.

“I’m sorry that you’ve been having family issues. But that sounds like you are having fun! What are your plans for Fourth of July? I heard the town is going to have fireworks over the docks by Gooseneck Lake. Maybe we can hang then? Anyway. Have fun!”

I couldn’t sleep that night, anxious about what his reply would be. Ever since we started to see each other, he has only met my grandparents and sisters once. We were younger, about eight, and I remember that he refused to enter the house, wanting instead to stay outside and wait for me. My grandparents refused to let my sisters out of the house to say hi. Elizabeth and Joan would later tell me that they watched him from the bedroom windows, and how they thought that he was odd. It was Joan later that would think that he had liked me and would often tease me about it. Never in front of grandma, as whenever he was brought up, my loving grandparents would quickly change the subject, and warn us to not talk about him.

I left the house early, my stomach full of butterflies, and a small little knot of worry. Stuffed in my bag was a small ziplock bag full of chocolate chip cookies that he had asked for. And like the last month or so, I haven’t seen him. Which made my heart drop a little, but I expected that. But what broke my heart was that he didn’t leave anything. No little snacks or gifts. No letter. Nothing.

I, of course, made excuses and tried to keep back the tears of this apparent rejection. But I assured myself that he was probably busy with his family. His friends that he would rather hang out with than be with me. That night when I left, I didn’t write a letter, instead, I just left the small bag of cookies where I had left them last time.

The next day, though, it was much the same. Nothing. And to add insult to injury, I had discovered that the bag of cookies that I had left him was still there. I kept the cookies there, still making the excuse that he was just busy, but by the end of that week, the day before the fourth, I begrudgingly made my way down to my spot. I acted like nothing was wrong, but my heart was broken. I remember it was hot that day. The hottest it had been for a while, and I decided while climbing the rope that I would have to get rid of the batch of cookies, as I was sure they were all melted and no longer good due to the heat. Let alone any of the bugs, or animals that had surely gotten to it.

The sound of laughter made me stop dead in my tracks, snapping me out of the sad thoughts. Before I could take another step, I heard a girl’s shriek, followed by the deep shouts of what sounded like guys not far from where I was. In fact, it sounded like it came from my spot. My spot. I took off running, letting the world dissolve around me as I grabbed the rope, and scampered up the rope and stood at the top of the ridge, looking down to see three guys, and a girl laughing, lounging and playing in my creek.