LA: Loyalty Or Annilation

Chapter 20

Shawn's POV

Two weeks later...

My parents are losing their f*****g minds and so are Jade's.

Apparently, announcing that you're having a daughter gives four perfectly rational adults permission to become clinically insane.

My mother has already bought too clothes.

Jade's mother has started researching cribs like she's preparing a federal case. My father wants to know when he can start teaching my daughter how to throw a football, and Jade's father has informed me that his granddaughter will have him wrapped around her finger and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Nobody cared whether we were having a boy or girl. They wanted a grandchild.

Now they're getting one.

Our daughter already has two sets of grandparents prepared to spoil her rotten before she's even taken her first breath.

There's just one thing none of them knows.

Kristal.

Nobody knows their son spent five years building a life with another woman while married, I proposed to that woman, my wife came home to discover she'd been replaced, the woman I proposed to discovered she had unknowingly become involved with somebody else's husband.

And Jade and I have agreed to keep it that way.

For now.

Which is how I've ended up sitting across from a therapist on a Wednesday afternoon wondering how the f**k I'm supposed to explain something I've spent years lying about.

Dr. Malcolm Reeves looks approximately fifty, wears glasses and has the irritatingly calm demeanor of someone who probably gets paid very well to watch people destroy themselves verbally.

His office is comfortable.

Too comfortable.

I'm suspicious of the couch.

"So," he says, "what brought you here?"

"My wife."

One eyebrow rises.

I sigh.

"That sounded bad."

"It sounded honest."

"She suggested therapy."

"And you agreed."

"Immediately."

"Why?"

"Because my marriage is f****d up."

"Because?"

Straight to it.

Fine.

"I cheated."

He waits.

"For five years."

Still waiting.

"I had another relationship."

Nothing.

"You're going to make me keep talking, aren't you?"

"Usually helps."

Fantastic.

I rub my palms together.

"I met Kristal in New Jersey while Jade was working abroad. What started between us became serious. Eventually I accepted a job opportunity in Los Angeles, and Kristal came with me."

"Were you still married?"

"Yes."

"Did Kristal know?"

"No."

"Did your wife know about Kristal?"

"No."

"How serious did the relationship become?"

I stare at the floor.

"I proposed."

There's finally a slight shift in his expression.

"To Kristal?"

"Yes."

"While remaining legally married to Jade."

"Yes."

"And Kristal believed you were free to marry her?"

"Yes."

The word tastes worse every time I say it.

"What happened?"

"Jade came back. She found out about Kristal through a private investigator. Eventually she confronted me."

"And?"

"I started sleeping with Jade again."

Dr. Reeves studies me.

"Did Kristal know?"

"No."

"So for a period of time, you were maintaining intimate relationships with both women while each had different information about what was happening."

Fuck.

When somebody else says it, it sounds even worse.

"Yes."

"How did Kristal find out?"

I lean back.

"Accidental phone call. She heard Jade and me together."

"What happened afterward?"

"She left me."

Simple.

Clean.

Still f*****g hurts.

Dr. Reeves asks, "How long ago?"

"About three and a half months."

"And how do you feel about Kristal now?"

My jaw tightens.

"I love my wife."

"I didn't ask how you feel about your wife."

Motherfucker.

I stare at him.

He waits.

"I still love Kristal."

There it is.

I hate how easily it comes out in this room.

"I miss her."

"Have you contacted her?"

"No."

"Attempted to see her?"

"Not in the last three months."

"Why not?"

"Because she told me to leave her alone."

"Good."

I blink.

"Good?"

"You're respecting a boundary."

"I thought therapists weren't supposed to judge."

"I didn't judge you. I identified a healthy behavior."

Fair enough.

He shifts slightly.

"Do you think about her?"

"Yes."

"How often?"

I don't answer immediately.

"Shawn?"

"Every day."

Saying it aloud makes something inside me tighten.

"Do you dream about her?"

My eyes move toward the window.

Fuck.

"Yes."

"What happens in the dreams?"

I don't want to answer that.

Which probably means that's exactly what I'm supposed to answer.

"Sometimes nothing dramatic. We're just home."

"Whose home?"

"The apartment."

The one she left.

"What happens?"

"She's there when I come home. Or I'm in bed and she's beside me."

I swallow.

"Sometimes she's pregnant."

Dr. Reeves doesn't react.

"With your child?"

"Yes."

I rub a hand over my face.

"Sometimes Jade is pregnant too."

There.

Now I sound f*****g insane.

"What does that mean to you?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do."

I laugh bitterly.

"Apparently I want a f*****g harem."

"Is that what you want?"

"No."

The answer comes quickly.

Then I hesitate.

"I don't know."

That's worse.

I lean forward, elbows against my knees.

"Sometimes I wake up wishing Kristal never found out."

Silence.

Not awkward silence.

The kind that forces me to hear myself.

"I know how f****d up that is."

"What specifically do you wish hadn't happened?"

"Her leaving."

"That's not what you said."

My eyes lift.

"You said you wish she never found out."

Fuck this man.

He caught it.

"So let's examine the difference," he continues. "If Kristal never found out, what would your life look like?"

The answer comes before I can make it respectable.

"She'd still love me."

My throat tightens.

"She'd still be in my arms. In my bed. She'd still think we were getting married."

"And Jade?"

"She'd still be my wife."

"Would you continue seeing both?"

I close my eyes.

Probably.

That is the truth I don't want.

"Yes."

"Would either woman have agreed to that arrangement with full knowledge?"

"No."

"So when you wish Kristal never discovered your marriage, you're not wishing for a consensual relationship involving three adults."

I stare at him.

"You're wishing the deception had remained successful."

That lands like a f*****g punch.

"I know."

"Do you?"

I look away.

He doesn't let me escape.

"What you're describing isn't simply missing Kristal. You're grieving access to a relationship you maintained through deception."

My jaw tightens.

"I loved her."

"I'm not disputing that."

"Sounds like you are."

"No. Love and harmful behavior aren't mutually exclusive."

That shuts me up.

I think about Kristal laughing.

Sleeping beside me.

Walking around our apartment barefoot.

Her engagement ring.

The children we discussed.

Then I think about the clinic.

Jade carrying my daughter.

Kristal laughing with Davidson.

My stomach twists.

"I want to be greedy."

Dr. Reeves says nothing.

So I continue.

"I want my wife. I want my daughter. I want the family we're building."

My hands clasp together.

"And some f****d-up part of me still wants Kristal."

There it is.

The ugliest version.

"I want her in my arms. I want her in my bed. I want her loving only me."

My voice lowers.

"Sometimes I dream she's pregnant too."

"How do you feel when you wake up?"

"Like something has been ripped out of me."

"Does anyone know how much this is affecting you?"

"No."

"Jade?"

"She knows I still love Kristal. She doesn't know about the dreams."

"Are they affecting your work? Sleep? Appetite? Ability to function?"

"Not enough for anyone to notice."

"That's not what I asked."

I stare at him.

"My sleep is getting worse."

"How much?"

"I wake up a lot."

"Any panic attacks?"

"No."

"Thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else?"

"No."

"Difficulty separating the dreams from reality?"

"No."

"Then we have room to work."

Yet something about the way he says it bothers me. Because I know what he heard.

The same thing I did.

Not enough for anyone to notice.

Yet.