LA: Loyalty Or Annilation

Chapter 16

Shawn's POV

"Do you miss her?"

Jade's hand remains over the curve of her stomach.

"And are you still in love with Kristal?"

There are a hundred answers I could give.

Only one is honest.

"Yes."

Jade's face crumples.

Fuck.

"But—"

"Don't."

She turns away.

"You asked me to let you in, Shawn. You begged me to talk to you, and the second I finally do—"

"You asked me a question."

"And I got my answer."

"No. You got one word."

She laughs bitterly.

"What else is there?"

"A lot."

I move toward the couch but take the chair across from her instead.

"Yes, I miss Kristal. And yes, part of me still loves her. Five years don't disappear because three months passed."

"Interesting."

"What?"

Her eyes cut into mine.

"You understand that when it comes to her. But you've spent three months wondering why seven years of marriage didn't magically repair itself because you've been rubbing my feet and bringing me flowers."

Damn.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I know. That's part of the problem."

"Then tell me what the problem is."

"You broke my trust, Shawn."

The words are quiet.

They hit harder that way.

"When your phone rings, I still have moments when I wonder who's calling. When you're late, there's a part of me that remembers how easy it was for you to maintain two separate lives."

I look down.

"I'm not doing that anymore."

"I know."

That makes me look at her.

Jade wipes beneath one eye.

"Knowing and feeling safe again aren't the same thing."

There isn't much I can say to that.

"But I haven't contacted Kristal."

"Do you want a medal?"

"No."

I deserve that.

"I'm telling you because I'm not choosing between you anymore."

Jade studies me.

"Kristal ended our relationship. I've respected that. I haven't contacted her, gone to the clinic or asked anyone about her."

"So you've moved on?"

I hesitate.

"I'm trying to."

Her expression hardens.

Wrong answer, maybe.

But it's the truth.

"I'm choosing this marriage, Jade."

"Because I'm pregnant?"

"No."

"This baby makes the stakes higher, but a child can't repair what I broke between us. I want my wife. Not just the mother of my child."

"And Kristal?"

"I can't force feelings to disappear on command. I can control what I do with them."

I stand but don't approach her.

"I'm not chasing her. I'm not contacting her. And I'm not going to use you to get over her."

Jade's eyes fill again.

"She mattered to me. Pretending otherwise would just be another lie."

"But that chapter is closed?"

"Yes."

"Because she closed it."

Fuck.

"Yes."

Jade nods slowly.

"That's the part you don't understand."

"What?"

"You keep telling me you're choosing me now, but Kristal made the choice you couldn't."

I say nothing.

"If she hadn't left, would you have chosen me?"

My silence stretches too long.

Jade looks away.

"Exactly."

"Jade—"

"I don't want to be your default, Shawn."

"You're not."

"Then stop expecting three months of good behavior to undo five years of deception."

That shuts me up.

She stands carefully.

"I'm not punishing you. I'm figuring out whether what we have now is something I can believe in."

Fair.

Painful, but fair.

"So what do we do?"

"We stop trying to fix this by ourselves."

"Therapy."

"Marriage counseling and individual therapy."

"Okay."

She blinks.

"That's it?"

"What do you want me to do, negotiate?"

That catches her off guard.

Her mouth twitches.

I pull out my phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Finding a therapist."

"Right now?"

"You literally just said therapy."

"I didn't mean this exact second."

"You also accused me of expecting everything to fix itself."

"I did not—"

My eyebrow goes up.

She exhales.

"Fine."

For the first time since this conversation started, some of the tension leaves the room.

I lower my phone.

"Can I touch you?"

Jade looks surprised.

Honestly, so am I.

Before, I would've simply reached for her.

She studies me before nodding.

I step closer and place my hands gently around her waist.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I'm going to keep trying."

Her hands settle against my chest.

"Good."

Something bumps beneath my palm.

I freeze.

"What the hell was that?"

Jade looks down.

"What?"

I shift my hand.

Another faint flutter.

My eyes widen.

"Was that the baby?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"It could've been gas."

I stare at her.

"Why would you ruin this moment?"

She laughs.

An actual laugh.

I immediately drop to my knees.

"Hey in there."

"Shawn."

"We need to discuss something."

"Please don't."

I spread my palm over her bump.

"Your mother and I are currently experiencing some marital difficulties."

Jade snorts.

"However, your father is handsome, intelligent and deeply committed to conflict resolution."

"Your father is delusional."

I look up.

"But your mother thinks I'm handsome."

"I didn't say that."

"Didn't deny it."

She rolls her eyes, but she's still smiling.

I kiss her stomach through her shirt.

"We'll figure it out."

I don't know what our marriage will look like when we do.

For now, honesty is enough to get us to the next conversation.

---

Jade's POV

He still loves her.

I suspected as much.

What surprises me is that Shawn actually admitted it.

No clever argument.

No minimizing.

No telling me what he thought a pregnant wife wanted to hear.

Just an ugly answer to an ugly question.

I watch him kneeling in front of me with one hand across my stomach, talking nonsense to our baby.

Three months ago, I would've taken this scene as proof we were okay.

Now I know there isn't going to be one grand gesture that repairs us.

It's going to be conversations like the one we just had.

Uncomfortable ones.

Probably loud ones.

Hopefully fewer involving my husband confessing his love for another woman.

That would be nice.

But Shawn agreed to therapy without fighting me on it.

More importantly, he finally seems to understand that coming home was only the beginning.

"Jade?"

I look down.

"What?"

"Our appointment."

I glance at the clock.

"Oh shit."

"We have forty minutes."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"We were slightly busy discussing the possible collapse of our marriage."

"Get my shoes."

"Yes, ma'am."

"My purse too."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And water."

"Anything else?"

"Food."

He stares at me.

"We're going to a doctor's appointment."

"I'm pregnant."

"Right."

He disappears toward the kitchen.

I shake my head.

Then smile despite myself.

I don't know whether we'll make it.

I'm surprisingly okay with not knowing yet.

For now, we have a doctor's appointment, a baby on the way, and apparently a therapist to find.

One problem at a time.