Worth the wait

Three

I don’t know if this week is going by fast or slow. It is Wednesday and all students have all of their classes today. So I will have Amaris today but the classes are not as long since they have the full schedule today. I am glad because I want to speak to hear again. At least say sorry if I over stepped yesterday. I get dress and make sure to wear a nice outfit knowing that I will talk to her today. Nothing wrong with her thinking I look nice. I get to school and class is about to begin but Amaris hasn’t came in yet. The bell rings and yet still she isn’t here. I am starting to think maybe I did hurt her feelings yesterday. It is only the third day, highly unlikely she is sick. I get started with class. About ten minutes into class Amaris comes in. I can’t wait till after class to talk to her. Amaris can you come here please. She gets up from her desk and rolls her eyes. Okay, yeah I did something. Hopefully she will tell me and let me fix it. What do you what Mr. Bright? I really messed up, I am thinking to myself. Amaris, why were you late? Because I was, is that a problem. Yes, it is I am going to have to mark you late unless you have an excuse that is better than because I am. Do whatever you want Mr. Bright. I don’t know how to fix this. Amaris is something wrong? No, I just don’t feel like talking. Okay Amaris, I am trying to help you out. I get you may not feel like talking but I would like to know why you were late? I am late because I am, I don’t owe you anything. You can just handle me and not care. Stop trying to help. She turns and walks away and goes back to her desk. I was suppose to be making this better and I fear I just made it worse. I shouldn’t of said anything yesterday. Today I should of just apologized. I need to stop caring I guess. I mark her late and get started on my own work. How did I mess up so bad already? I guess I did get to talk to her today at least. Not how I wanted but I did get to have time with her. I should be grateful for that and just not press my luck. But nope I am already thinking if I can pull her aside after class and try again. I hate that she is upset with me. I am pulled out of my thoughts when I hear Shelby ask Amaris why she was late to school. Girl I over slept she goes on to say she didn’t get much sleep. Amaris goes on talking, I am now actively listen but trying not to look obvious. Wanting to know what else she is going to say. I got into it with my mom last night. Why Shelby ask, I wanted to ask the same thing but held back. Because she is a selfish. She has to go to school three hours away and can’t do it online so again she is abandoning us. Choosing to better herself at my sisters and my expense. I wonder what she means my again and why she is so upset. She is a junior, it isn’t like she needs her mom to feed her. Most kids would be thrilled to have their parents gone all the time. Let alone be okay if they were gone for school. It just goes to show how immature Amaris must be. That is why I have to just be her teacher. The girls get back to work. I am getting back to my own. I got lost in my work and class was over before I knew it. I didn’t ask Amaris to stay like I wanted. Maybe it was best if she was mad at me. Then I could put space between us. The day went on and I didn’t think of Amaris again. I think her being mad is good. Also, hearing how she talks about her mom and can’t seem to understand her mom and want what is best for her. Shows me that I need to just leave her alone. Homeroom is going to start. It is a class on Wednesday, where the kids have study hall in a classroom assigned to them as their home room. I am new this year so I don’t have any students for home room. I get to use this time to do what ever. I have to stay in my room just in case a student needs to come to get tutoring or something. I have papers from the first half of the day to grade. Glad to get them do now so I don’t have to take them home to grade. Not expecting anyone to show up for tutoring. Seeing as school just started and grades haven’t gone out yet. I am grading papers when Amaris walks in. I inwardly groan. Just great I think. I was doing so well now I have to talk to her again. Which I am looking forward too. But I don’t want a repeat of this mornings conversation. I don’t even know what to say to her. Do I try to say sorry now or not? Mr. Bright do you have a moment? Yes, Amaris come in I do. Good, I would like to talk. Okay go ahead and pull a chair over to my desk. Sure, I am sorry for this morning. I didn’t sleep well and I am cranky because of my period. I forgot she was on her period. Growing up with my sister, I understand her mood now. My sister wasn’t the nicest on her periods either. Amaris goes on talking. I thought about what you said yesterday and want to follow up with you. What part of what I said yesterday? When you said I shouldn’t be handled but cared for she answered. I knew it was this statement that got me to where we are. Okay, ask away. Do you think that you can do both? Handle someone and care for them? I think that it looks different in ever relationship what you call handle some might call care. Good point, but let me give you a hypothetical. If your mom has an addiction and gambles every night. Doesn’t feed you and comes home late and bought you a cookie. Was that cookie because she cares and feels guilty or was it to shut up the child with something they like? I can’t talk, is this happening to her, and I judge her this morning calling her immature for thinking her mother is selfish. I gather my thoughts, still lost on what to say. Is this happening to you Amaris? She smiles but it fades like she is trying to hold the truth in. I want to know but don’t want to beg her. How do I help her feel safe to share this information? What do I do when or if she does? Well it is hypothetical, but no it isn’t happening to me. It did, she is better now that we moved and there isn’t a casino close by. But she goes to school three hours away. In person where there is one and I am suppose to believe that she is doing this to better herself. Maybe she is but I also know she is addict who can’t admit she have a problem. I am so mad right now. How can a parent do this? No wonder she is mad. Please don’t tell anyone. So back to the question. Is that care or handling? Is it guilt or manipulation? I can’t answer that, because I don’t know your mom or her thoughts. Actions do speak louder than words though so look at what she does when she is showing up and being your mom. I struggle with the idea that I am to much because I don’t let her get away with hiding with her sins in the dark. I call her out. I shame her and make her wear them. She doesn’t care about me she can’t. You choose this, live with it is my thoughts. I never want her to forget the damage she has done. Amaris, you sound hurt and are turning that hurt into anger. It doesn’t make anything better to be angry. It helps me get out of bed in the morning knowing that I get to make her pay. You make her pay how? By being a mirror and showing herself to her. Making sure she hates herself and finds it hard to live with herself just as I have to endure it so will she. That is a lot of pain you carry Amaris. All I know is pain. Why do you say that? I lost my mother when I needed her most, my father is a joke. What did your father do? He uses women as entertainment. I am not something that they care for. I am something they handle. They have a responsibility and don’t take it seriously. That is why I am to much. Because I require more than they are willing to give. Amaris please understand that not everyone should be parents and I am sorry that yours has hurt you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please don’t waste time and energy trying to pay them back. God will punish them. Just live and enjoy your life. You only get one. Amaris got up and was putting the chair back. She was heading to the door. Before she opened the door she left with one last statement. Maybe my purpose in life is their payback. God knew I was the hell they needed. I am okay with being their hell, they deserve it. Amaris wait I say as she is about to leave. But you don’t deserve it. Please see that you have more to offer than to be their hell. God didn’t give you that purpose. She left, I can’t believe the conversation I just had. How can a girl so young carry so much pain that it turned into that much hatred? That she accepted her fate as being someone’s hell. I can’t just walk away now. I can’t leave her alone. She needs me. I now understand her eyes the pain I saw. But where is the light that I saw as well? I can’t focus the rest of the day. I get home and want to punch something. I don’t know how to fix this. Has Amaris ever know care or love?

I have always had a relationship with God but always haven’t been the best at praying and reading my bible. I pray for the first time in a while tonight. God I need help. I don’t really know what to pray. God you heard the conversation I had today with Amaris. Please strengthen me to be able to help her. God help her with her hurt and anger. Help her to understand the love you have for her and to see she is worthy of that love. God I feel as though I know why I feel this love towards her. Because she needs it, she needs someone who can love her. I don’t know what your plan is, or if she is the love of my life. I trust you! Let your will be done in Jesus’s name amen. I felt peace and was thankful that I was able to not have to care for her on my own. I knew after our talk I needed God. She deserves the right kind of love and care and while she trust me I want to be able to show up for her. This isn’t about my love for her anymore but God’s love for her. I want what is best for her and I will care for her the right way. By putting her needs above my own. I won’t take more than she is willing to give.