Guardian's Atonement

ONE | EMOTIONS

--

The clock is ticking. Dim lights. Open windows and a dark sky full of twinkling stars. The night was good, but Erica felt like s**t.

Why do they have to find me and make me feel like this in the first place? She wanted to shout at the world for breaking her again like this.

She sighed and bit down her lips. She already built herself up. She was trying to make herself better despite the odds affecting her. Still, just simple news coming from them made her crumble like a sandcastle made beside the sea.

Bitterness started to spread in her. She clenched her teeth several times, trying to control her emotions.

I Feel bitter. They didn't even love me. What's the deal with them anyway?

But…. as She felt the dampness on her cheeks. Her eyes stinging and her shoulder shaking. At that moment, she wanted to mock herself.

Why am I crying?

Emotions.

Emotions.

It's these f*****g emotions again.

Emotions She doesn't want to acknowledge came crashing down like a heavy rain after the summer sunlight. She doesn't even know where to begin. Does being away with them made her unconsciously forgive them?

I don't know, but it hurts so much to the point that I want to dream away all of these feelings. I can't even breathe properly.

She wanted to love her father. The only biological family she had left. She told herself so many times to understand him and that if she did things the right way, he would look at her and say that she did a great job.

But as time passed by, those dreams became useless. Now, all Erica can muster was hate and disgust to the point that she can't distinguish the feelings she was feeling right now. She was confused and afraid at the same time.

I just need a simple glance from you would suffice. Just simple praise of a good job or doing well next time was all I asked during those times, but now, It's too late.

It was already too late.

Erica gave up wanting and waiting for their love, yet now that she's barely holding her peace, they have to bombard her with the news of him dying?

Erica felt like s**t thinking, is this how much they hate her? They hate her to the point of they don’t want her to feel at peace. Biting her lips, she held her sob.

What did I do anyway for you to hate me like this? I was born into this world because of your mistake yet, I feel like it is all my fault.

Time was ticking, and Erica felt that her eyes would break any minute because it was stinging from all the tears she cried.

She squinted her eyes as she glared at her light bulb. The brightness was hurting her eyes. At the same time, she heard her phone ringing. She turned to her left and grab her phone, trying to look at the notification.

Father is at the VIP room number 57 at Veterans hospital.

It is from an unknown number, but Erica knew who sent it. She looked at the text message, Wondering if She should see him. Erica looked at the time; it is already twelve midnight. Does the hospital accept visitors at these hours?

Why am I even bothering to think of the idea of coming? He's probably sleeping right now. Right, I should see him in his sleep, so he won't know that I came for him.

Gathering her wallet, keys, and phone, she left the apartment. If it's from veterans hospital, it's just a walk from here. Stepping outside the apartment, Erica looks around and feels the cold wind making her at peace.

She inhaled the fresh air, the scent of trees, and the fresh air of the night. It's not cold nor hot. It was just right.

Erica then started to walk. As she walked, she contemplated those times she did all the things that could make her former family accept her. Her efforts and her forced fake smile. But, now thinking about it, she realized that they never did love her.

The little hope in her eyes vanished as she grew up. Her innocence and her smiles vanish as she realized things.

Erica heaved her breath, thinking. A child shouldn't beg for their parents' love; instead, the parents should know the responsibilities they have to commit and fulfill having a child. Yet, in this world, nothing was given without anyone expecting returns.

The wind blew, and She felt the cold breeze around her whole body. A strange moment ago, the wind was warm, but now it was cold. I guess the season is indeed changing.

Glancing to her left, there are only a few cars that are in the area. The dim lights coming from the street lights were faint enough that she can’t see without turning on her flashlight.

--

The interior of the hospital has always been the same: white walls and marble floors. The scent of medicine and metal surrounds the place; Chairs are placed in front of the receptionist desk and the nurses around in every patient's room.

white walls....

metals

She felt rather suffocating. Images flashed on her mind like broken records needed for her to be seen again. Clenching her hand hard, she tried to calm down.

If only she was born in a decent family. Not the rich one. If only she was born in a loving and warm family, she won't end up like this. One of the losers in this society.

Erica stopped in front of a door. On the left side of it was a wall with the nameplate of her Father, Arthur Reynald Young, was written along with the words VVIP.

Erica bitterly smiled. He was really here.

Is he awake? If he is awake, what would I tell him? If he's not, then it's good. Why am I even hesitating anyway? Would it matter? Erica sighed again and was about to open the door when a nurse that was rounding saw her.

"Excuse me, visiting hours is over," she told Erica. She tried to rummage her brain of what kind of excuse she should say to her, but in the end, she ends up telling the truth.

"I'm visiting my father," the word sounded like a spit to her. "I'm his daughter." Erica wanted to mock Herself. "We're not in any good term relationship, but my brother told me to visit him. I just want to see his face before he dies."

The nurse's face looks at Erica with such pity and a smile. "Okay, I'll turn a blind eye for this time. He's been looking forward to seeing you."

Erica chuckled. "I don't believe that," She mumbled enough for her to hear and slide the door. I wonder what the nurse looked like when he heard me said those words. Her reaction might be priceless.

--

The room was quite big enough for five patients to be admitted. There was a big queen size bed. On the left side of the bed was a bouquet of flowers, hoping for his recovery soon. Erica glanced at her right. The window was quite extensive, and the moon was shining directly onto it.

Erica smirked. Nothing really changes.

He’s always this elegant and fancy.

The sound of her steps echoed the place, but Erica thinks he's asleep. She looked at the machines attached to his body. Erica studied the electrocardiogram for a moment. His heart was beating fine, and she thought that he was stable enough not to feel any pain.

I guess money is indeed everything. It can even lengthen his life.

Slowly, she turned her eyes to her father, who was now lying on bed weakly. His eyes were closed, but you can tell that he was suffering. It looked like he had lost some weight. His lips were dark and pale. The wrinkles were much visible now.

Erica can't remember her father being this weak and lifeless. She doesn't know what to feel.

She tried moving her hands to touch him, but she paused in mid-air and draw her hands back. She then walked towards the window where the moon was shining so brightly. She looked at the view and leaned on the glass.

Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok.

Time was passing.

"Brother visited my university today," Erica mumbled. He's sleeping, so why am I talking? She doesn’t know. "It's a surprise he knew where I'm studying when in fact, I cut any connections from you." Erica continued. "Are you keeping an eye on me? Are you spying on me?" She joked softly enough. The ambiance is creepy enough. It's dark, and the only light that you can see was the moon and the blinking lights of the machines attached to him.

"He told me you want to see me. I didn't believe him. I can't come up with any reasons why you wanted to see me." Erica glanced back at him and look at the view outside the window. The city lights look beautiful in this view, as expected from a VVIP room.

“I don’t want to see you too” She heaved her breath many times. “Yet here I am.”

She looked at the time using her phone. It’s almost one. She needs to go. “Stay healthy and learn to fight for your life even if you’re old.”

"Little Reo will be sad if you pass this easily." She said and walk towards the door. As Erica held the door, She glanced back at him one more time. He's not moving. The sound of the machine echoed the place. She felt like her eyes were stinging again.

“You should live enough for me to hate you,” She mumbled. “Don’t die easily because if you do that, I won’t forgive you even in your grave.”

Erica walked out and closed the door. As soon as the doors were closed, Erica felt that her knees were starting to feel weak, that she lean on the wall to support herself. Her heart was pounding like drums, and it was ringing in her ears. Her eyes were stinging as she held back her tears.

You should live enough for me to forgive you. I feel like I'm losing all my strength, and I can't even move anymore. I hated you so much to the point where I prayed for your death but now why am I crying like this? Why do I wish you to be okay? I hate you

I hate you! I hate you so much that it hurts.

Ha. What nonsense. Erica wiped her tears and inhale a huge amount of air. It was time to go home.

--

Because of the sudden drama Erica felt, She decided to walk again. Wanting the scenery, the lamp lights, and cars to distract her from the thought that she might not see him anymore after today.

I haven't seen him for a long time, I really thought I was okay, yet it feels like all the scars I struggle to heal all this time are opening to the point that it hurts so much I can't even breathe properly.

The wind continues to blow softly against her cheeks. It felt cold because of her tears, and she can't seem to stop her eyes from crying.

After walking for a while, she felt tired. Erica looked at her surroundings and realized that she was walking on the bridge near her home. There was no one in the area, and the only available light was the lamp post at the end of the bridge.

She felt the cold breeze and inhale a lung full of air as she leaned on the railings of the bridge, mindlessly admiring the reflection of the moon in the water below the bridge. She felt calm and serene all of a sudden.

As time passed, Erica reminisced all those hurtful memories she tried to erase for all these years. The walls she attempted to build all this time was so easy to break.

Am I weak? Or am I strong to acknowledged all of these?

Erica felt out of breath. Her heart started beating so fast. "IF I COULD JUST DIE!" She shouted, but this time, She felt the wind blow harshly. Her hair was all over the place, and she can't see. Erica tried to lean on the railings, but at that moment, I can't feel any metal at all. There was a warm feeling that touched her back before she lost her balance.

Erica’s eyes widen. Everything felt like it was running in slow motion.

Why am I upside down? Huh? From my point of view, the moon looks big and beautiful. It looks serene and wonderful. Huh? Why does the railing of the bridge over there? Huh? Am I falling?

Before She can assess the situation, Erica felt the cold water on her back, swallowing her completely. Erica did fall. She was inside the cold water. From this point of view, the moon looks more beautiful.

Ah. I can’t move my arms at all. Is this death?

I can't seem to close my eyes at all. I'm going deeper. Funny, does this river doesn't have any end at all? The moon looks smaller now. I'm finally dying.

It has been a long life, I guess.

Slowly, Erica closed her eyes, surrendering everything.

Finally, She can find peace.

I kinda feel ashamed for leaving Lia behind. I’m sorry