A journey to evolving

chapter 1

Everything at first was just numb and scary. I was always anxious about everything surrounding me. I see the world so different than some people do.I will never trust anyone else again as those dearly broke me. They made me care and now where are they?Must I move on as if nothing happened to me, as if all is well n i haven't suffered even the slightest bit. Should they know that they broke me that they left me thinking that I wasn't enough.The betrayal from my parents, from my siblings who I cared for, from my best friends who I wanted nothing more than to see them again.

I used to live with my grandmother when I was a toddler. All was great after all nothing was ever seen eye to eye at that age. when I turned 12 my mom took us back to live with her, was I happy about the change? no I wasn't, I had to leave my grandmother, my aunt, my two best friends and everything that I found therapeutic for me.All I could see was everything I built flushing, passing me and saying goodbye to me.I was so heartbroken but my mom told me it was just a phase i will go through it one way or another. At first living with my mom was not so bad, though it was different from what I was used to it was not bad.Then came a time when my mom fell sick and I was the oldest,my grandmother teached me a few things so I made her soup, cleaned the house and made food for my siblings though at the time I didn't know how to cook I knew how to make a light meal. She thanked me so dearly and I was happy, not knowing that what I did will cost me to not enjoy the rest of my childhood.

From that day all her responsibilities were dumped on me, I played dear mother for my siblings while she was just like the woman who buys the groceries, stationery and clothes.I would ask myself each day questions that were never meant for a 12 years old child. Does my mother see that I'm suffering? Does she see me as her own daughter? Does she want me? Does she see my father when she saw me? As she was light skinned and both my siblings inherited that and I was the unfortunate one to not inherit it and be brown skinned. I hated my skin colour and I thought to myself would burning my skin make me look better? would burning my skin make her like me? would burning my skin make me beautiful? I was never told I was beautiful in my family so when someone in the streets told me I would take it as if they were making fun of me and my heart would sink every time.My little sister was always told that she was beautiful, she dresses nicely and that every thing she would wear looked nice on her, as well as my younger brother, while i was just tossed aside.

I would cry myself to sleep every night and no one would notice I knew that. I felt like an outsider in my own family and everything I did was left unappreciated and not complimented while the littlest thing my siblings did would mean the world to her. Sooner or later I stopped trying to please her, to get her attention because I very much knew that I would never get a glimpse of it.Then came the huge entitled, unholy thing I did, I tried committing suicide and pour poison on my drink and food, I knew what the outcome was going to be but I didn't care as already i felt dead and I felt unwanted. That night I was burning inside me and I threw up everywhere and I knew that it didn't work. I woke up the next day weak and numb with my eyes red and swollen like I just been stung by a bee. She didn't ask questions she just went to work and left me with a list of chores to do alone without my siblings helping me, and as I was I did everything. My friends would ask me why is it that everyday my doing chores alone without the help of my siblings and I would simply just say it is only because I'm older and I love doing chores which was a lie of course.

I was never her child because if I was she would've treated me like my siblings. I knew I didn't belong with them and that's what I told myself every day. Every time I would go with them to the mall and a couple of her work friends would meet us sometimes and they only talked about my siblings saying they're beautiful and they look like my mother and all they had to say about me is that I don't seem like her daughter at all and she would laugh with them. I knew that I did not look like them the slightest but all I ever wanted was to feel protected, appreciated, wanted and safe and I never felt any of that with them.All I felt was that I wasn't wanted, appreciate , I didn't belong like I was an outsider, like I was the neighbour's child and every day was the same. It was so draining having to smile and laugh knowing exactly that you are everything but happy, but feeling loved. I was putting a show of hiding it, everything was just show of playing the ever so happy and smiley girl. I felt like Cinderella but without the steps only my Cinderella was the original family. Although everything was never well at home for me I was exceptionally doing quite well in my studies and my teachers loved me well I didn't think dear old mommy liked it though. You end up finishing a year and one year closer to freedom or are you.