Medic and the Wolf

Broken

After getting medically cleared, only having bumps and bruises, Steve meets me at the unit.

“Ready to go home?” I nodded and climbed in.

On the way back to the station we were quiet. Steve knows I need time to process the events of the call as I stare out the window. The city isn't as lively as it used to be. It’s become more quiet, Solomon even. As if it’s grieving along with the people who live within it.

I woke up with a jerk, not realizing I had fallen asleep.

“Steady there I got ya” I heard from beside me.

“ I know I’m in good hands with you Steve. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep.”

“Another nightmare, huh?” I didn't have to respond because he already knew. I looked around and saw we were back in the station.

“ Hey, how about we go out tonight to celebrate.” I look over at him, confused at what to celebrate. “ Your amazing, save and your trip”, he states matter of factly. “ All of the guys are going, so, you have to come'', Before I can protest. I gave him a thoughtful look and a little nod.

“ The usual place? I'll meet you there”.

I arrive home to a dark house. The only light on is the one coming from the basement apartment, which signifies my son being home.

It is a two-story twin house, not overly big but not small either. It was big enough for my family when they were all here. Now it just holds more ghosts than people. I make my way up to the second floor without turning any lights on until I reached my bedroom.

It's a master's suit. It has a small T.V area. I can't tell you how long it’s been since I watched it and my queen-sized bed with four posters and a rod iron design for the head and footboard. I flop down on my bed looking up at the ceiling, watching the soft glow across it from my bedside lamp. I’m not feeling like going out tonight. I'm not sure i have it in me. I haven't been out in a long while. I just want to curl up in my soft warm bed and shut out the world like I have been doing for months now. My cell phone pings saying I have a message.

Steve- You had better be ready to come out.

Me- I’m not sure I’m really feeling it

Steve- You're Not backing out again! The guys really miss you and this is tradition!!

Nothing

Steve- If you're not here in an hour, I’m gonna come and drag you out no matter what you're wearing.

I think about it and I know he’s serious. I know he will do it, he has before. With a sigh I texted back.

Me- Fine you win….

Steve- : ) <3

I get up and go into the bathroom. It has a big shower stall for two and a jacuzzi tub for two. I draw a bath, put some lavender oil in when It is almost filled and I shut the water off. I jump into the shower to wash all the grim off me before relaxing in the tub. My body feels like it's battered and bruised and I need to relax my muscles. As I sink down in the heavenly water, I feel my muscles unwind. I breathe deep a few times trying to calm my nerves inside. I always feel like I’m on the edge, never having an inner calm.

Once I start to get pruny, I get out dry off and go to my closet. Since it’s summer out, I put on a white cotton summer dress with a corset lace top, white sandals and a light jean jacket in case it gets cool. I brush out my hair and put it in my signature french braid. I don't even bother with make-up anymore, there is no fixing the dark circles under my eyes. All the guys see me all the time without any anyway. One last look in the mirror,thinking it’s as good as it’s gonna get, I grab my bag and keys.

I pull up to the usual spot that we all go to. It’s a small rundown bar. It’s weathered and beaten on the outside. The sign is half lite and missing a few shingles on the roof. It has seen better days. Taking a few deep breaths and a smile that doesn't reach my eyes, I walk in. All eyes turn to the door as it opens, waiting to see who is coming. The cheers start once they recognize it’s me. Everyone is here, all my crew's from my station and a few from other stations that were on the building rescue today. They are so loud it sounds like a big roar. I snake my way through the men and a few women trying to get to the bar, I’m gonna need a drink for this..

People are patting me on the back with good jobs and proud of you. I’m almost to the bar, I can see it, it’s a few feet away and a guy steps in my way. So close but yet so far… I thought he was just gonna be another good job and step to the side, but no. He was from another station standing in front of me with a slight sway and a beer in his hand, looking down at me with one side of his mouth curled up, a half smile.

“ You're the little lady that pissed off the new commish 5 minutes into his new job.”

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. I look up at him ( most of the time I have to look up for only being five foot seven and mostly everyone is six feet or taller) keeping my smile on my face.

“So what of it?”

His smile now reaches both sides of his mouth and gets bigger.

“ Well, hell. I only heard about it. I wish I could have seen it. They say it was a sight in deed”, a huge roaring laugh to follow.

As I shake my head, I feel a big muscular arm wrap around my waist. I smell the scent of old spice and know who exactly it is. Steve.. Now it might be because I’m a little older than most at the tender age of 42. I love the smell of old spice. “ Let’s get you a drink”, Steve says in my ear, his voice is husky and I feel his breath brush past my cheek as he talks. I looked back at him with a ‘please’ look. He helps me push past the guy in front of me who is still laughing.

The bar finally! A few people sitting at the bar move from their seats to let us have them. It’s customary when the person of the hour comes in, they gave Steve a seat for being my partner. I looked around, scanning the area,seeing familiar faces while waiting for the bartender. An older woman, Jane, is tending the bar at the other end. She’s one of my favorites who works there. She always takes care of me, Johnny, on the spot, so to speak with my drinks. We wait patiently for her to work her way down.

“ I was about to come and get you. I’m glad you came out tonight and I know the guys are too, `` says Steve. I give him a small smile. It’s true I haven't been out for a long while. Not since the virus hit. I have been staying home or at work or on work-related trips. Jane approaches us and lays my beer in front of me. “ You remember, it’s been forever since I've been here.” I beam at her. She gives me a smile that makes her eyes sparkle.

“Now how can I ever forget my favorite girl?” she says. I laid a 20 dollar bill on the bar, she gives me a look. “You know as well as I do that you're already taken care of. Plus you need to make up for lost time. I think everyone here bought you a drink” she giggles as she says this. I leaned over and shoved it in her tip jar, giving her a wink.

I tell Steve he needs to help with the drinks because I'm only planning on staying for a short time. As the night goes on, I circulate, making small talk with almost everyone. It seems my beer is never ending. Whenever someone sees it's empty, they replace it. I haven't been back to my seat at the bar or seen Steve in a while. I make my way out to the side porch for some fresh air and to cool off. It was getting very hot inside with all the bodies in there.

I stood there with my eyes closed enjoying the night air. Taking a deep breath, I smelled something sweet. I take another breath and it smells almost like honeysuckle. I started to have a deep calming feeling. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. I leaned against the railing keeping my eyes closed, enjoying the sweet smell and the light breeze kissing my skin. I jump when I feel someone touching my shoulder. I spun around to see Steve standing there laughing at me.

“ You're jumpy today, are you OK?”

“ Yes I’m fine. I didn't hear you” he frowned.

“ You always hear someone coming up behind you, are you sure you're OK?”

I give a half smile, embarrassed to admit “ Yes I’m fine, I was just relaxing. Do you smell that? It’s something sweet?”

Steve looks at me like I have lost my mind. “ I don't smell anything. Anyway, when are you going to tell me about your trip?”

“ Oh yeah sorry I almost forgot, with everything that has happened today. I also have the rest of the week off. You're gonna have to survive without me for a while.”

“ I hear it's an amazing opportunity for you and not everyone is accepted. I’m proud of you, you deserve it even though you're leaving me for a month.” He says with a smile. I give him a smile and nodge his arm with my elbow. “Oh you'll be OK” I say with a wink. “I think it’s time for me to get out of here. It’s been a long day and my bed is calling my name.” He tries to keep me from leaving, giving me excuses to puppy dog eyes. I laugh and bid him a good night. As I walk to my car, I start to have that on edge feeling creep in again. I looked around the parking lot, only seeing it full of cars, hearing the soft music coming from inside the bar. I sigh as I climb in my car and head home.

The next few days went pretty smoothly. I got housework done, laundry and packed my bags for the trip. I sit on the couch trying to think what else needs to be done when my son walks into the room. I stared at him thinking to myself when did my baby become a man. He stands at 5’11, has a muscular build, has long brown hair and chocolate color eye’s. He has the ‘bad boy’ thing going on with his tattoos on his arms and neck. He gives me a look that tells me ‘why am I starring?’ I blink. “Hey what's up bud”.

“Are you getting ready for a trip?”

“Yes, I’m ordered to go down south for training. I’ll be gone for a month. I’m not leaving for a few more days so you can decide if you want to stay here or go to your sister's house.” Now I know he’ll want to stay home, it’s not like he's a child anymore and has to be babysat. But at times he doesn't like to be alone. Not since mom passed away.

“I’ll let you know but you might want to go food shopping just in case I do stay”.

That tells me he’s staying. I gave him a knowing grin. “I was just trying to think about what else I needed to do. Now I know”. I let a giggle slip.

“I haven't heard that in a long time. It sounds good”, he states as he heads back downstairs.

Trying not to think about what he just said, I headed off to the store. A few hours and plenty of curse words later, I returned back home. Oh, how I hate crowds and people and stores. If it wasn't necessary, then I would avoid it altogether. After putting everything away, I sit down to read a book. I do everything to keep my mind busy. I don't like it, ital that's when ghosts emerge. I’m broken…

I’m in my backyard, the sun is shining, a warm breeze blowing and I’m happy. I have a smile on my face that reaches my eyes feeling content, calm and pure joy inside. I have finally moved past my divorce,settled in a new place and brought my mom home with me to keep an eye on her. She's starting to get up in age, so it's time to take care of her. My daughter moved out into her own place with her husband and child, my son has a basement apartment, he works and basically takes care of himself. It seems everything has come together and everyone is filled with joy and love. It can't get any better than this, I think to myself. I’m basking in the sun. Mom is in the kitchen making food and we're waiting for my daughter to come over with the baby.

There have been reports at work about a ‘New Virus”. The experts have never seen this kind before and keep arguing about how to treat people with it. All I know is that it's very deadly and doesn't seem to respond to any kind of standard treatment. No one knows for sure how it passed. We take all precautions possible to protect ourselves and not bring it home to our loved ones.

I hear a car pull up. I yelled in the house to mom that they're here. She doesn't answer. That's strange.I don't hear her moving about in the kitchen either. I have a pit in my stomach. I go in the back door that leads into the kitchen. That's when I found her lying on the ground with blood coming from her mouth and nose. I stand there in shock, frozen, I scream MOM!!!!! Then I hear my grand baby right behind me. With my heart racing, I turned and scooped her up and ran out of the house. I handed her off to my daughter and tell them not to go inside. I jump on the phone, calling 911 as I ran to my car for my work bag. I request an ambulance for a positive patient and give the details. My daughter is standing there staring at me and listening, trying to register what's going on. I ripped my gear out of my bag and put on my tivace suit, gloves, respirator and goggles. I head into the house glad that my son is at work right now and no one is in the house. I kneel next to mom assessing her, I see she's not breathing, I feel for a pulse… f**k no pulse. I start CPR.

I wake up almost jumping off the couch, my son is standing over me holding my shoulders. I looked at him confused and tears in my eyes, I blink a few times and got my bearings looking around the room. I realize I’m still in the living room. It’s dark outside now. “What time is it?” I ask my son. “It’s late. You fell asleep. I heard you screaming again. Are you OK?” he says with worry in his face and voice. I rub my face with my hands and nodded. He doesn't believe me. “ I didn't know you were still having nightmares”.

I go into the kitchen for something to drink and to hide that I’m still shaking. I tell him to go to bed and I'd be fine. He does it even though he's reluctant to do so. Taking a bottle of water, I walk outback looking up at the full moon and stars I take a few deep breaths, then the tears flow. I hold back the sobs I want to do but let the tears flow freely. Why do I keep reliving the worst day of my life? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? Who did I piss off? I mean I do piss off a lot of people on almost a daily basis, but come on! I haven't had a break in forever. Why am I being punished by the gods? Haven't I suffered enough? As all this is passing through my mind, a small voice says “I’m broken.”