It's all coming back to me now

Chapter 2

Ruby's POV

The events from the past few days still haven't sunk in. Her words, the way she said she wanted a divorce. It's painful to think about, and not a second goes by that I don't regret my actions. I became so consumed by my own pain that I neglected my wife’s feelings, her pain, and her grief.

I’m sitting in my office now, having canceled all my meetings because I just wanted to be alone and think things through. I glanced at my phone and saw an update from her. I carefully replied. She still says "I love you so much" to me, and I can't understand how I’m supposed to sign the divorce papers when she speaks to me like that.

“Ruby Fae, are you seriously going to keep rescheduling your appointments over and over? Your secretary called me, and she’s worried sick about your behavior. What’s going on? Why are you acting like this?” Jade asked, her voice sharp with concern. I looked at her briefly before turning away.

“Bish, you better tell me what’s going on. Stop giving me that attitude,” she demanded, clearly not letting this go.

“Sanae wants a divorce,” I finally said, my voice breaking as I looked at her. “And it’s all my fault. If only I hadn’t let myself be consumed by anger and pain, maybe our marriage would still be okay. There wouldn’t be any talk of divorce. This is all on me,” I blamed myself bitterly. "I lost my child... now I’ve lost my baby, too."

The weight of it all was suffocating. Losing our child broke me, shattered a part of me I didn’t even know could break. I was so focused on my own heartache that I couldn’t see hers, couldn’t be there for her when she needed me most. Now, she’s asking for a divorce, and I can’t say I blame her. I pushed her away. The one person who stood by me, who loved me unconditionally, even through my darkest moments.

And yet... despite everything, despite how much I hurt her, she still tells me she loves me. Those words... they slice through me like a double-edged sword. How can I sign those papers when she says she loves me? How can I let go when I still love her so deeply?

Jade stood there, eyes softening as the weight of my words hit her. "Ruby, I... I didn't know it had gotten this bad. I'm sorry."

I swallowed hard, feeling a lump in my throat. "I just don’t know how I will be able to face the consequences of my actions and negligence. Every time I wanna try, it feels like i will be digging the hole deeper. I don’t want to lose her, Jade. I can't. But I don’t know if I deserve her anymore."

I buried my face in my hands, the exhaustion of everything overwhelming me. How could I fix something so broken, something I had a hand in destroying?

"Do you want to grab a drink?" Jade asked. "Let's bring Carla, Cherry, and Jen too," she suggested. "You need to unwind, it looks like you’re bottling everything up on your own. Does your mom know? What about your in-laws?"

"No one knows yet," I explained. "I think only you and Sanae’s best friend are aware of what’s going on. But neither of our parents have any idea."

She took a deep breath and looked at me with concern. "Get up, Ruby. Let’s go have a drink. We can go to Jennylyn’s bar, that spot where the five of us usually hang out," she said. "You have 30 minutes to pull yourself together. I’ll be waiting in the lounging area." With that, she stood up and walked out of my office, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I sat there for a moment, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on me. It had been days, maybe weeks, since I’d taken any time to breathe, to just talk to someone. I’d been trying so hard to keep it all inside, to stay composed, that I hadn’t let anyone in, not even Jade. She knew me too well, though. She could see right through the facade. And she was right – I couldn’t keep handling this alone.

But the thought of telling everyone – telling my parents, her parents – terrified me. How could I explain it to them? How could I tell them that our marriage was falling apart, that I had failed to hold it together? The thought alone was enough to make my chest tighten.

I glanced at my phone again. Another message from Sanae. She was still so kind, still saying things like "I love you." How could she be so calm, so gentle, when she was the one asking for the divorce? It made everything more confusing. My heart ached, torn between hope and despair.

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to gather myself. Maybe Jade was right. Maybe I did need to unwind, to talk it out, even if just for one night. Sitting in this office, drowning in my thoughts, wasn’t helping anyone. I stood up, grabbed my jacket, and took a deep breath.

A time with my best friends. Just enough time to face the reality of it all, before meeting them and pretending, if only for a while, that things might somehow be okay again.

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“You two should seriously just take a break, but not go through with the divorce,” Cherry Ann said firmly. “Ruby, she’s just hurting, that’s probably why she’s saying those things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not siding with your wife, but she has a point. Ever since you lost your child, you’ve changed. It’s like you’ve been blaming her for the loss, when in reality, she lost a child too. I don’t get to talk to your wife often, but one thing I know for sure is that she loves you deeply.”

I poured the fifth bottle of beer into my mug, watching the foam rise to the top. "But she seems so determined to go through with the divorce," I said, my voice was heavy with confusion. "Yet at the same time, she’s still showing me love, still saying she cares about me. It’s confusing, and I don’t know what to do."

"Ruby, stop drinking already," Carla chimed in, her tone full of concern. "You know your tolerance isn’t that high, and remember, you still need to go home. Don’t give your wife any more reasons to worry."

I shrugged, taking another sip. "She’s probably drinking too," I muttered. "But don’t worry about me. I can handle myself. I can still drive."

"No, after this, we’re calling Sanae to come pick you up," Jennylyn interjected. "You can leave your car here. Nothing’s going to happen in the parking lot of my bar."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you all say," I responded with a sigh of defeat, letting their words sink in. I was too tired to argue anymore.

Cherry’s words echoed in my mind, though. She was right. I have changed. After we lost our child, something inside me shifted. I became bitter, angry, and distant. And now, she was asking for a divorce, and I couldn’t blame her. But the contradiction of it all was tearing me apart. How could she want a divorce and still say she loves me? How could she still show me love in the little things—through her messages, her words, her actions? It made no sense, and yet it felt so real. I was lost in a whirlwind of emotions, torn between hope and despair, and the beer wasn’t doing anything to dull the ache in my chest.

I stared at the empty bottles lined up in front of me. How did we get here? How did we go from being so happy, so in love, to this? It wasn’t just about the loss of our child—it was everything that came after. The way I withdrew from her, the way I couldn’t let her in because my own grief consumed me.

Jennylyn’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "Ruby, we’re serious. You’re not driving home tonight. We’ll call Sanae, and she’ll come get you. Let her be the one to take care of you for once."

I looked at them, at their concerned faces, and for the first time in a while, I felt a little less alone. They were right. I couldn’t keep drowning myself in alcohol, trying to numb the pain. I needed to face it, to face her, and figure out where we went wrong.

“Alright, call her,” I said, finally giving in. “Maybe… maybe we still have a chance to fix this. Maybe I could still convince her."

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Sanae's POV

I texted Jade to go see Ruby and accompany her. I know she's still thinking about it; she needs to unwind. She’s been bottling everything up ever since that day. She isolated herself and turned into someone we barely recognize.

She told me they were going out for drinks, and now I’m on my way to pick her up. As usual, when she’s too stressed and in pain, she loses control. She drank too much this time. They said she’s acting up a bit and has been asking for me. She’s always been so hardheaded and difficult.

Yes, I want a divorce, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about her or that I don’t love her anymore. Moving on from her will be the hardest thing, but this time, I have to choose myself and free myself from the pain and sadness.

I parked my car and immediately went inside. I saw Jade and Jen holding Ruby up, while Carla and Cherry were carrying her things.

I quickly went over and carried my wife. “You two need to talk. She’s really being so stubborn, Sanae. Thank you for the patience you’ve shown with our friend. She told us about your conversation last time. Hopefully, you two can talk things over more, but if you’ve made your decision, we’ll support and respect it. After all, we don’t fully know everything that led to this. Just remember, we’re here for both of you.”

"Thank you so much for staying with her. So much has changed ever since we lost our child. She’s been keeping everything bottled up inside, and lately, she’s been choosing to isolate herself more and more. I really appreciate you being here and for understanding my side too. I love your friend so deeply, but I’m only human. Maybe it's time for me to choose myself for once. Don’t worry, though, I’ll make sure we talk about everything."

They all gave me a hug. Carla spoke softly, "Take care of yourselves."

"Drive safely," Jen added as they helped Ruby to the car.

I nodded and thanked them again before getting into my car.

"Sanae, my love, is that you?" Ruby’s voice was soft and slurred as she kept her eyes closed. "I... I can’t open my eyes; they feel too heavy."

"Yes, it’s me, my love," I reassured her gently, glancing at her fragile figure. "Just rest. It’s okay; you can sleep right there." I adjusted her seatbelt, trying to keep my voice steady as I started the engine and pulled away from the parking lot. The night felt eerily quiet outside, the only sounds being the faint hum of the car and Ruby’s slow, labored breathing.

After a few minutes of driving in silence, Ruby mumbled something again. "Is there... really no other way to fix things?" Her voice trembled slightly, and she turned her head a little toward me, eyes still closed. "Is... is divorce really the only solution? Is it the only way to make everything better?"

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, feeling a lump rise in my throat. I could hear the pain in her voice, the confusion, the doubt.

"Or... or are you just using this as an excuse to leave me? To get away from me because you’ve met someone better?" she asked, her words coming out slower and more strained. "Someone who can give you the child I couldn’t... someone who won’t lose it like I did. Tell me... is there someone else, Sanae? Do you have someone else?"

Her words hit me hard. I took a deep breath and glanced at her. Even in her inebriated state, her pain was palpable, cutting through the haze of alcohol.

"What are you talking about, Ruby?" I asked softly, trying to keep my voice calm as I drove. "Even with all the mess, with all the sadness and pain, even when it feels like we’re falling apart... not once did I ever think of leaving you for someone else. I love you so much, Ruby. I love you more than anything in this world. But I’m only human too." I sighed, feeling the weight of my own exhaustion and heartbreak.

"I decided on the divorce not because I don’t love you anymore, but because I want to be free from the constant pain we’re both in. I love you so much that I forgot to take care of myself. I lost myself trying to hold everything together. I need to let go of the pain... for both of us." My voice faltered as the reality of my words hit me. I looked ahead at the dark road, barely illuminated by the streetlights.

Ruby was quiet for a moment, and I thought maybe she had fallen asleep. But then I heard her voice again, faint and broken. "I love you... so much, my love," she whispered, her words slurred from both the alcohol and exhaustion.

"I love you so much more," I whispered back, though my heart was heavy with the knowledge that love alone hadn’t been enough to save us.

We were about 20 minutes away from home now, driving down familiar streets. I was approaching a red light and began to slow down, pressing the brake gently. But then, I felt something strange—the brakes weren’t responding.

"Shit... no, no, no," I muttered under my breath, pressing the brake harder, but the car wasn’t slowing down. Panic surged through me. "Damn it, come on!" I yelled, my heart pounding in my chest as I looked at Ruby, still peacefully asleep, completely unaware of the danger.

I glanced in my rearview mirror and saw headlights approaching fast. My breath caught in my throat. The other car wasn’t slowing down either. The honking of the other driver’s horn filled my ears, loud and piercing, as the bright lights blinded me.

In that moment, everything seemed to slow down. I turned toward Ruby and instinctively pulled her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her tightly as if I could somehow shield her from what was about to happen. "It’s okay... I’ve got you," I whispered, though I wasn’t sure if she could even hear me.

The crash came suddenly, with a deafening noise of metal crunching against metal. The force of the impact sent our car spinning. I felt my head slam against something hard, and a sharp pain shot through my side. The world around me blurred and spun as our car flipped, and for a moment, everything was chaos—loud, disorienting, terrifying.

When the car finally came to a stop, I was lying on my side, dazed and barely conscious. I could feel blood trickling down from a wound on my head, and pain radiated through my body. My vision was blurry, but I forced myself to look around.

"Ruby..." I whispered weakly. I could see her now, lying motionless next to our wrecked car, her body sprawled on the ground. Fear gripped me. I tried to move, to get to her, but my body felt heavy, and I could barely lift myself.

I stumbled forward, each step agonizing, until my legs gave out and I collapsed. "Ruby..." I mumbled again, my voice barely audible as I reached out toward her. But before I could reach her, everything went black.