The Swiss Escape

Realization

I got up from my bed and walked to the dresser. I pulled out a piece of sexy lingerie and put it on. Then I went to the kitchen and found Johnny heating his food. “Hey,” I said in a quiet voice.

Johnny turned around and looked at me. A smile spread across his face, “You look nice.”

I smiled; maybe I could convince him to leave all the other women. “I was wondering what I could do to be less boring?”

Johnny placed an arm around my waist. “This is nice.” Leaning in, he kissed me. I did my best to kiss back, but my mind flooded with the ideas of him and the other women. When he pulled away, he muttered, “I wish you kissed better.”

“What’s wrong with how I kiss?” I asked, sounding offended.

“You can't be good at everything, Kam. s*x is just not an area you excel in. Typically you wear yoga pants and t-shirts. Rarely do you ever dress up for me. Look at your hair. When was the last time you got it done? I can't even tell what color it is, blonde, brown, or red. You also put on some weight with Kayla, your not that size six girl I married. Now you’re a 12. Look, honey, you’re still attractive, just not as much.” Johnny patted me on the bum and went back to his food.

“My body changed after I had a baby, your baby! And s*x was never an issue for us before!”

“It was Kam; s*x has always been a problem. You’re pretty for wife standards, but you’re not hot anymore.”

“Then why stay with me?”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Are we still on this, Kam? You are a great wife. Our house is always tidy, groceries are always bought, you’re a great cook, and you’re an amazing mother. Kayla is a smart and active little girl because of you. Plus, it helps me on the social ladder for people to know you work for a nonprofit.” Johnny turned to face me. Tears ran down my face. “Go to bed, Kam. It’s late.”

Not wanting to stay and argue with him, I went to bed. An hour later, he came to bed. Johnny slept beside me like nothing was wrong. Like a nuclear bomb just didn’t explode in the middle of our marriage.

The next day I took Kayla, and we went shopping. I got a cute dress and some strappy heels. Then we went by a make-up store, and I had a makeover done. Stopping by my old gym from before Kayla, I signed back up and paid for her to have child care.

I planned to start dressing better when Johnny was home. Maybe he would want to be back more often if he saw how hard I was trying. A large part of me knew this is a pathetic move. But it was the only move I felt I could make.

I took Kayla to gymnastics, worked on next month’s activities for the state-required learning, and then sent a copy to the organization. The nonprofit program is an organization that helps kids after school. Since they are state-funded, there are requirements that they complete specific lessons in their curriculum. My job is to create lesson plans for teachers, activities, and experiments to help those working directly with the kids.

I went to the bathroom while Kayla was still practicing. Looking in the mirror at my flat hair, you couldn’t tell the color anymore. There were blonde and red tones, but overall it seemed brown. I looked at my face. My skin is pale, my eyes are sky blue, and the shape of my face is oval. Once I had defiant cheekbones, but now not so much. The woman who did the makeover added contour, and that seemed to help.

Letting out a sigh, I went back out to the waiting area for parents. Kayla came running out excited she got to jump on the trampoline. “Mommy, we did the jumping thing.”

“You mean trampoline, baby?”

“No! Jumpingthing. You jump, mommy.”

“I see, I stand corrected.” I gave her a tight squeeze, and we went to her second dance class.

She took two dance classes. One was tap/jazz, and the other was contemporary. Kayla loved to dance. If she had a choice, we would live here so she could dance all day. I thought about how I could keep her in dance if Johnny and I got a divorce?

I watched Kayla in her dance class. She looks just like me growing up; light blonde hair, blue eyes, and always has a huge smile. She didn’t get anything from her father; Johnny has dark chestnut brown hair and light brown eyes. He has one of the gorgeous smiles.

Johnny and I first started dating our senior year of high school. On prom night, right after I turned eighteen, I gave him my virginity. He was with other girls before me, but he was my first. Johnny told me that night after we finished that he wanted to marry me. I told him that I wanted to finish with the university first. Of course, he agreed and even said, “you’re worth waiting for,” now I wonder if he was cheating then too. The memory of that night flashed through my mind. “Promise you’ll be mine forever, Kamryn,” Johnny said. “Only if you promise to be mine,” I replied. “Always,” Johnny said with a smile.

That night when Johnny got home, I put on my dress and went to greet him. “What do you think?”

Johnny looked at me and seemed annoyed. “What’s this about, Kam?”

“I’m trying Johnny. I want to make this work; I also want to be the only woman in your life romantically. Please, just tell me what you need. What do you need from me?” I asked in a pleading voice.

“It’s not that simple, Kam.”

“Just tell me what you need. I will do my best. I got a membership at the gym again; I can start working out. I just want you to be faithful to me. I want you to be mine like you promised.”

“We were in high school, Kam. Things change. I have needed you cant meet. Do you think it is fair for me to ask you to meet 100% of my needs?”

“No, but I also don’t think it’s fair for you to go get your needs met by someone else. I have needs to Johnny. Should I find another man to fill them? Should I get a boyfriend-“ Johnny grabbed the back of my hair before I could finish. His grip was tight, and I let out a cry.

“That’s enough, Kam. I have tolerated this odd behavior from you for the past two days, but no more. You need to stop with the jealousy and understand my perspective. Stop being selfish.” He let go of my hair. “Now, I still want a second child; let’s go work on that.”

“Are you safe with the other women?” Johnny turned to me, looking angry; I thought he might try to grab me again, so I clarified. “I need to know if I am at risk. It would also put the baby at risk.”

He paused, then his facial expression relaxed. “Yes, I have used condoms with all of them. Keeping you safe is important to me. I would put you in harm's way.”

Johnny then grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the bedroom. There we spent a few minutes practicing for a baby. I felt sick.

I wanted to believe he was safe, but I couldn’t. My trust was too broken, and I’m broken. I felt used and dirty, but at the same time, unattractive and like I was lost as a s****l being.