"This is your Uncle Carrig," Brianna - I thought it was Brianna - made the introductions. I dialed up my Irish. Carrig meant...meant...'rock'. Not 'the Rock' as in Dwayne Johnson. No, it meant 'rock' as in 'lump'. I had an Uncle Lumpy. How the f**k was I going to explain this at the next high school reunion?
The answer was obvious. I'd parade out my four lava-stoked volcanic aunt-hotties and no one would be able to see old Uncle Lumpy over their s****l radiance. Perhaps being created in the form of a disfigured Neanderthal made Lumpy furious with the world. That might be why he wanted Grandpa to stay dead. Maybe...oh hell, Lumpy had serious family issues, as in he wanted to hump my aunts who only wanted to hump me.
"Hello Uncle Carrig," I started out. "Thank you for..."
"Shut up," he sn
