Amantine's Song

Chapter 4

PROLOGUE

15th March 2014

I’m here. I almost don’t understand why. I look at you from a distance. My presence here doesn’t make sense. Yet I’m here, on this late winter’s day, still very cold. In front of you, you who caused me nothing but pain. One of the greatest agonies of my life. One of those that cannot be forgiven, and dragged over the years takes on exaggerated, exasperating proportions. And maybe I will never really forgive you. With this, I’m not trying to deny my faults, which are many and serious. But you took everything from me. Including what I didn’t think I wanted so much, at that time.

They have showered you with flowers. What hypocrisy. I’m sure that most of those who yearn for you now have never really tolerated you. I’m not like that. I won’t suddenly turn you into good and holy. And I won’t pray for your soul. You can forget about it. I never pray, on principle. Growing up I didn’t soften. They say that with the years the character defects are amplified. I am proof of this; I’m even more dried up, colder. All the words you had from me, I would repeat to you, one after the other. I’m not sorry.

I’m angry. You caused me extreme pain and I’m furious. But I repeat, the fault was also mine. I let myself be dragged, I didn’t fight. I was what the others had always forced me to be. But now, above all, I have clarity and I face all my responsibilities. I have been the one I committed myself to be.

They leave, finally. They glance at you compassionately for the last time and walk away slowly, then gradually faster. I bet when they reach the iron gate their thoughts, their emotions, will be even further away from you than their bodies. You lost everything, including the memories of those around you.

I can come out of hiding now, detach myself from the tree that kept me sheltered from prying eyes. Better not raise doubts and misunderstandings. I’m only an unimportant shadow in your presence. I carefully observe what is still visible of you. Your name stands out in gold lettering, well highlighted, you would have appreciated it.

I stand. Motionless, dejected. Now I remain the only responsible one. I should step away. Maybe I came here to make sure that it really happened. I had to see with my own eyes. Now I can leave. I feel an overwhelming anger, I can’t deny it. And this time, it’s not in my power to change the circumstances to my advantage. Curse you!

I hear a rustling behind me. Maybe someone is hiding as I did, waiting for me to get out of here? No. I feel a soft touch on my shoulder. I recognize it even without turning. In my mind’s eye I picture his image. I wait for a moment before turning around to confirm my feelings.

Yes, it’s really him. I nod, briefly, and then I smile slightly. I look down. It’s like my past, my story slipped before my eyes. All of it, without selecting the best, without mercy for the dark moments. The beautiful moments meanwhile caress me, touch me. Some say happiness is never happiness while you’re living it. It’s just in memory, and I remember right now. A part of me still manages to feel happy. It’s like a shiver, a gentle breath sighing from the soul to warm up this day, so grey and cold.

That song that was mine without me being aware of it, for years. Yet I had hummed it myself and listened to it repeatedly. I wanted it, requested it. Without imagining how much it belonged to me. I thought I was a pretext, but I was much more. I was the reason. This, too, I have hidden from my heart. This, too, I will have to begin to atone. The lover’s song. Amantine’s Song.