Amantine's Song

Chapter 14

CHAPTER 10

Another Sunday. And no desire at all to go to Geoff. In the end I had avoided discussing his interference in my life over the phone, and made up excuses not to see him, not even in the evening. I was too irritated and had to calm down. Why did my words mean nothing to him? Why didn’t he respect my will, and not bring his father into this?

However, I went out anyway. I didn’t know where I would go but I knew I didn’t want to stay indoors. Maybe freezing at the park, maybe visiting the city, maybe shopping. Maybe... In short, I hated the idea of being cornered!

Sunday morning implied only one direction, despite everything. I couldn’t lie to myself, this time. I wanted to see if he was still there, still in the same place, for the third time. But this one would be different. I knew who he was. I hated the idea. I preferred him to be an ordinary lout, someone not so defined, so well known. I felt betrayed, teased. A bit like someone had broken my favourite toy and later mercilessly showed me the pieces.

As if he had read my mind, he wasn’t there. Jacob was sitting at the usual place, but alone. I slowed down for a moment, determined, however, to continue my journey towards an unknown destination. Maybe in the end I would be better off to go to Geoffrey, as every Sunday, and maybe try to talk to him, to explain to him my reasons.

‘Good morning, my dear.’

But the unvarnished truth was that I was just waiting for an excuse to get closer. I raised a faint smile at Jacob. Maybe I could offer him a coffee, just to be nice.

‘The boy had one of his commitments...’ Jacob disclosed it, before I could talk.

‘Oh, I see...’ What did I see? Nothing, better not get further into the subject and change it decisively. ‘Coffee?’ I glanced towards the coffee shop. It wasn’t clear to me if I really wanted to offer him a coffee or I was looking for an excuse for myself.

‘No, thank you, my dear. Already had it.’ Jacob frowned, however, rummaging through his wrinkled, creased jacket pocket and ignoring my presence. I shrugged and decided I had nothing left to do but to make my way down to the tube. ‘Wait... here it is, I found it!’

‘What is it?’ I could see what it was. A folded piece of paper that Jacob was handing out to me. My heart made a curious and unusual leap. A message? What else?

‘He left it for you.’ There was no need to specify who.

I stood in front of Jacob, who handed me the note that at that moment was no longer a piece of paper. It was my Passport to hell. Whatever was written there would lead me to something that was not part of me, of my environment, of what I had always been. But I couldn’t resist.

‘Tell him I’m not interested when you see him.’ See him? I saw his expression change at my words, the lip slightly bent upward, the mockery that livened my senses and got on my nerves at the same time. I flushed, trying to keep my breathing steady.

‘Take it and do whatever you want.’ Jacob insisted on delivering the note. ‘I always carry out my tasks, girl.’

I grabbed it almost angrily, tearing it from Jacob’s hand. ‘I’m not...’ I opened it and read an address. Notting Hill, of course. Peter Wiles, of course. I closed it. ‘I didn’t understand it was him,’ I finally confessed, resigned. ‘I’m not interested in Peter Wiles.’

Jacob shrugged and sighed, running his hand over his head. He took off his grey woollen hat, almost as grey as the strands of hair that fell on either side of his face and then he put it back, covering his ears well. ‘Everyone is the way they is. You’re not perfect either, my dear.’

I had just said that I wasn’t interested in Peter Wiles. Because I wasn’t. But... I tightened the note in my hand, tormented it with my nails as if I could destroy it, annihilate it. It didn’t matter, I had memorized the name of the street, parallel to the one I was walking, and the number.

‘I’m not interested in Peter Wiles,’ I repeated, maybe more to myself than to Jacob. Because in the meantime my steps, first oriented towards the staircase that led to the Underground, were instead moving right in the direction of Peter Wiles’s house.