Finding Me

The Calling

“I mean it, I’m okay,” I roll my eyes in exhaustion. I am now officially being treated like a fragile piece of extraordinary rare, like one in a million, type of material. I can’t say what happened but I can’t get anyone to be convinced that I am okay.

“Thanks to your stubbornness, I will never be trusted around you,” Rose scolds me; widening her eyes once and biting her lower lip as she tries to comfort me with the pillow to my back.

“It happened in the middle of the night, not during the day,” I roll my eyes again as I blow stream of air.

“But I didn’t pay enough attention to your crazy allegation. Isla would have done something for you.”

“What about Isla?” she jumped into my room and we both turns our attention back to her. If Mrs. Isla is here, it means my aunt Tina is home finally. It’s obvious she heard the news about my condition from last night that she seem disturbed. She is walking as good as flying as she takes her coat off in a hurry. “Are you okay princess?” she asks me as she sits by the edge of my bed and starts checking on my temperature; pressing her right hand on my forehead. “You’re hot,” she utters deepening her furrow line.

“For the million time I am okay,” I utter through my teeth. ignoring my answer, she turns to see Rose, who is standing behind her; looking down, with her hands behind her and in fear.

“What happened?” she asks her and I gasp in disbelief to the obvious dismissed answers I am giving.

“If it wasn’t for Mr. Jack, I wouldn’t know that she was down there,” she licks her lower lip and bits it slightly. “I didn’t take it seriously, but she has been saying she hears noises and I thought she was just worried about...”

“Rose,” Isla called for her and I suck my lips in trying to suppress my laughter.

“... how would I know she would get to this point? What if she was seriously...?”

“Rose!” Isla screams and she ceases on her word. “This is no one’s fault,” she says calmly and I couldn’t hold back my laughter. “Hush,” she scolds and I nod as I close my eyes struggling but holding back my laughter. “Should I call for the others to explain or can you do it?” she asks her. Just to be clear, Mr. Jack is also man of peace from Axis-Mundi and he is married to a human Mrs. Lily. She knows about his nature; she respects him and his boundaries just as much as she loves him and they are pleasing couples to see. They are both very old, and they look after the manor and control all the other helps to it.

“I am okay, why won’t you listen to me?” I utter smiling and I wink to Rose and she breathes in heavy.

“It’s okay, I can,” she nods.

“Take a sit and start from the beginning, where she was found,” Isla clears her question. I shake my head as I cross my arm on my chest. “Where’s Audra, anyway?” she asks in worries.

“She is out, she had to fly to New York, it was urgent,” Rose answers quick.

“No, I actually went down the basement following her,” I breathe a laughter as I shake my head.

“She isn’t here,” Rose utters once again looking at me as if I have lost my mind. “I’m sure she’s in New York by the time you claimed you woke up. She left in a hurry around eight.”

“It can’t be, I saw her walking...”

“Please, calm down, girls,” Isla places her hand on mine and I elevate my eyebrows as I shake my head. “And I am waiting to hear what happened last night,” Isla reminds her once again.

“Okay,” she walks to a single seat sofa by the corner and pulls it closer to my bed and sits on it, facing Isla and I. “Mr. Jack woke me up around,” she looks up to the ceiling as she thinks. “Maybe around three in the morning, he was shocked, to explain clearly but he said that Thomas helped him take her up into her room. I rushed here and she was,” she closes her eyes and I can tell she is still shocked and feels unsettled to even think about it. “She wasn’t like herself, there was black blood vessels on her skin spreading as if... something was consuming her, like a disease... or...”

“What?” Isla seems a bit confused and more worried about the situation; she presses on my hand in hers to check on my stretched-out blood vessels and it looks normal. “It seems she’s normal,” she shrugs back as she deepens, her furrow lines constantly. I think that’s how she thinks. “Did you, or Mrs. Lily do anything to make it go away?”

“Exactly,” Rose presses her lips as she loads her chest with air. “We did nothing at all. She seemed dead, so, I checked for pulse,” she holds her breath as she feels like crying.

“What are you talking about?” I ask her shaking my head slightly; my lips are dry and I feel a breath of air on my chest.

“Mr. Jack and his wife Lily said she was like that when they found her by the end of the room in the basement.”

“What happened?” Isla shakes her head as she whispers.

“When I checked for pulse,” she licks her lower lip wet as she looks up to Isla. “And there was nothing. No pulse at all.”

“Impossible,” I sit up and see that Isla is as confused as I am. “I’m clearly here and you must be hallucinating,” I roll my eyes. “This is ridiculous.”

“Please,” Isla closes her eyes as if begging me to calm down and let her finish. I simply press my lips as I turn my attention to Rose, who is already crying and with fear and worry in her eyes. Meeting her eye to eye isn’t exactly in my favor, it is assuring that she is speaking honestly and I suddenly feel like believing her.

“If Mr. Jack says you were like that when they found you,” she shakes her head in fear. “I can’t say for how long you were dead, but you were dead and then you simply woke up just like that and the vessels were gone,” she says with her eyes watery.

“Goodness,” Isla stands apace. “Are you sure?” she asks her and Rose assents lento with her head reconfirming her words about what she just said happened to me.

‘What now, I’m a zombie?’

***

Okay, fine. I give up. I am far from common and I will never lead conventionally accepted ordinary life. I have many realities; I was just a common picked at looser girl and I thought life sucks for I was bullied. Then I turn out to be atrocious monster and led a life without even a clue a size under a microscope. Now... de facto, let alone I, even the experts in beings aren’t sure; not about what happened to me, or what exactly I am. So, I’ll have to go with I am a zombie at night and human like monster by day.

Does that make sense? Don’t bother, nothing is making sense for me either.

Isla took some blood samples and whatever tissues she thinks might help her... and hair samples, from me, so she would try and figure out what happened to me. Rose is around me all the time and willing not to leave my side even for a second. Oh, and, that clinging sound seems to have disappear. Which seems to prove Rose’s theory that I have been worried a lot about seeing my aunt Tina sharing the same roof with me. After all, she is in this situation all thanks to me, perhaps to my new odd self.

“You do realize it makes it feel simple to go and see her, right?” Rose utters from behind me.

It’s been three days since... well, I died and came back to life, and since aunt Tina is here, but I just couldn’t get my head around to abet myself to actually stand in the same room with her. I mean, what would that feel like; like I am proud of what I have done to her or my parents or all those other peoples? I am literally leading sleepless nights, all thanks to my ugly sickening nature I just got introduced to.

“Oh, come on, just for how long are you planning on checking on her this far?” I sense her exhaustion in her voice.

“There you are,” Isla utters as she sees us both. “Are you okay?” I think she fathoms my worries in my eyes.

“Um,” I press my lips in a hard line as I nod.

“Look,” she shakes her head slightly as if clearing her mind. “She will be fine, that much I can promise,” she spreads a partial sad smile. Rose pats me on my back and I press a forced sad smile looking at her. “Any ways, I was looking for both of you. Audra will be back soon, I managed to get a hold of her,” Isla adds.

“Oh, did she hear about...?” I get spastic as I ask her.

“Precisely,” she arched her forehead at me. “That was the point why I needed to meet with her.”

“Crap,” I whisper loud without noticing I would be loud.

“You do realize she had to hear about this, right?” she asks and Rose presses a quizzical and confused smile.

“Fine,” I start to the leaving room down the corridor. “I have to pretend like I am okay with it,” I swear I don’t know what I meant.

“Why would you. You don’t have to.” Isla utters following me.

“I don’t know what I wanted to say, it doesn’t matter,” I shake my head and turn to face both of them.

“I can’t blame you,” Rose presses her lips. “It’s uncommon to die and rise up,” she shrugs and I laugh enough to move my shoulder but as I meet Isla shaking her head, at both of us, I clear my throat as if I coughed and ceased on my laughing.

Just as I expected it, my grandmother made a grand entry. She ran to me and checked me out head to toe. She seemed like she has lost her mind. She acted on her shock to the pint that I thought I died again. It feels good to have her back home but the unfortunate news about her return is the fact that she also couldn’t explain anything that Rose, Mrs. lily and Mr. Jack explained happened to me.

You can’t even guess; how terrifying to not know what one self is; how hard it is to have no trust in your own capability. You can’t even try to imagine how formidable it is to live with the knowledge that you took lives and especially live of those dear to you. So, what happened to me and what exactly I am, or even what I am capable of is under a huge question mark, I guess. I only know and understand that I am perilous, to everyone around me and now even myself.

***

‘Hello?’ I am in a cold place, very cold and empty. There is no light but I can see something in distance. Something piled up. I don’t want to walk towards it, I simply turned around, and away from it, but that loud and disturbing clinging sound makes me feel jumpy. I tardily turned my attention back to it.

There is a sound, whisperer coming from there, perhaps weeping. ‘Oh, please... pppplllleeessssssssss...’ It sounds like a mock and it sounds like in pain.

‘Hello?’ my voice is quite unlike the first time and shaky. I am confused, scared and cold. The more I approach the pile the colder it gets. ‘Who’s there?’ I hear a voice of a women in pain. Unlike I am approaching the pile, the image is getting blurred.

The whispering slowly changes, slowly clears and it was a woman, but then again, the voice starts to deepen, and then to austere then roughness as if growling. I fall back screaming and panting. A silence for a while.

‘Bekim,’ A women’s voice calls for my name and I turn back to the blurry pile frowning. ‘Bekim!’ that growling voice screamed again and I turned away and races to direction to get away from it. I am sacred, frightened but I just couldn’t escape. I keep in running as fast as I could, but I keep running back to the blurry pile over and over again.

‘Hel...’

“...pe” I scream and open my eyes from what feels like inescapable dream. I find myself in a dark, dark room; I turn around and around and I realize that I am in one of the rooms in the basement. The last thing I recall was I was in my bed with Rose. I have no idea how I got in this room and I am locked in. I knock on the door panting but I get no response. “Grandma,” I scream. “Rose, Isla... Mrs...” I scream to the returned clinging sound in my ears. I imprisoned my head between my palms.

I am scared, of dying again. “Help!” I scream for I fear to hear the sound again; it hurts and it feels like dementia; madness incarnate. I can hear a leisurely scratching sound and I kneel as I gasp in response to the pain in my head. Then a silence.

“No,” I breathe in whisperer for I know what’s to come next. A clinging and I scream as loud as I could as I yield my body down on the floor; with my eyes squeezed shut. “Grandma!” I use my last chance and energy to call out for her.