Finding Me

An Open Dern

I still can’t believe what an expert I have become over a night training. I have to give credit for Rose; she spent the whole night with me. She explained well to me about what I have to say and how, even the why. My room was well restored and I gave them details of what I need, to feel like I belong here. They managed to provide me the replica of what I asked for and I am now more comforted with my space, welcomed.

To be honest, I didn’t need much; all I asked for was movies and the family picture on my walls. I got the family pictures in color print, from my f*******: account and hang them on the wall in old photo frames Rose provided me with. That was the most important thing I was hoping to have in my space, I miss them, already. Especially mom; she would be scolding me to change my ways of dressing. She hated the way I was used to dress up like; cargo pants, sweatpants, huge t-shirts, snickers and my Nesert-brown hair always in messy bun or if I was to say I looked good, then in clean ponytail. I used to snick out the house just to avoid a conversation with her; about the way I dressed.

‘Oh, how I missed her scolding and her nagging.’ I even missed my Dad’s silence in the house. He was a type who would lower his reading eyeglass down to the tip of his nose and look to our direction with a pleased smile spread on his lips. He used to be satisfied with our argument.

So, the point is this room is now better with this particular picture on my wall; three of us smiling as dad on my right and mom on my left. It was on my mom’s birthday. If time traveling was real, I would go back to that very day. I would relive each moment, of that day, over and over again if I could.

“You do realize that everything you tell me, anything at all about your comfort here in this house and especially under Aud...”

“You mean Mrs. Audra?” I pressed a smile to the child service. Just as Rose explained to me, I found her quite insisting. It was true what she said, it was clear to perceive the fact that she has a personal issue with her.

“Yes,” she answered me after she pressed her lips thinking in a deep thought. It was as if she can tell what I was about to say to her.

“Why does this conversation feel like you want me to say something bad; about the one person who was there for me when I lost everything?” I asked with my forehead arched at her.

“I... I am not. You misunderstood me.”

“Like I said, I am perfectly fine here and safe, unless you have something to say. I do as well,” I tilted to my left as I enjoyed her facial expression got change gradually. “About how insisting you are. After all, what more can anyone ask for, more than a person who cares for you? But you seem to have been quite pushy so I would say something negative.”

“Well,” she pressed her lips in a hard line as she gathered her papers and her suitcase in her hand. “I just said it. You indeed misunderstood me,” she shook her head slowly as she licked her lower lip wet. She was shocked that I was on her openly. “It is my job to make sure that you are in a safe environment and safety isn’t exactly about money or comfort but the peace you get, mental stabilizing environment.”

“Are you suggesting that I have issue?”

“Oh,” she breathed a laughter. She seemed disturbed and quite unlike the hours she was in charge of the conversation. “You know what, this is not just a safe place and filled with comfort but I can say you are good.” She pressed her lips nodding. “I see that you can defend yourself well,” she pressed a forced smile as she stood up from the chair she was on.

“Miss Bekim,” Rose entered my room. At first, she was confused that the child service was ready to leave already, but she smiled satisfied as she held back on her words.

“Rose,” I gasped as we locked gaze up on each other. “Oh, by the way Rose is here to assist me with everything that I want.” I explained to the child service who was looking at her frowning.

“Pleased meeting you, I’m Rose.” With a simple smile on her lips she nodded as she introduced herself. “I am a professional curer.”

“I’m Savanna, pleased to know about you,” she narrowed her eyes. “If this was one of the usual visits, I would suggest you to look after her, but she is one tough girl.”

“Indeed, she is outstanding,” she added.

“I see,” she gasped and then pressed a smile to her. “I am anyways about to head out,” she uttered as she walked.

“I will walk you out,” Rose offered, but Mrs. Savanna held her right hand in the air as she stopped Rose.

“Oh no, I’ll find my way; down the stairs and to the front door,” she pressed a smile as Rose nodded to her. She didn’t turn to greet us off, but she simply walked to the door. “Please think about what I told you,” she added standing by the door.

“Which one?” I asked her and she tilted back gasping for air. “Seeing a doctor?”

“That is what Mrs. Audra been trying to convince me on. I’ll definitely think about it. Bye,” I pressed fake smile to her and see her off. We waited till she left the room and then as we were listening her footsteps receded away down the corridor to the stairs. I exchanged a smile with Rose.

“How did you do that, make her leave this early? I was expecting her to wait till the officers would question you.”

“You should believe me when I say I am ready,” I pressed my lips as I sit back. “I have made my decision and I am here to stay.”

“She came earlier than the time she booked, I figured she wanted to catch us off guard.” She walked closer to me with a pressed smile. “You’re indeed surprising,” her satisfied smile changed into a sad one. “I think there is one more round of investigation you will have to face. The Detective is here; she is discussing with your grandmother; we should join them in the study.”

“Do I look good?” I asked her and she pressed her lips in a hard line. I was in a long black spaghetti strap dress with sandals.

“I would say change the pairs but you would disagree.”

“Didn’t I told you we will be friends? You already understand me well,” I pressed my lips in a hard line. “You know my mother used to want me to dress more feminine; she would have been happy to see me like this,” I pressed a sad partial smile. “Let’s go,” I inhaled heavy and stood up from my seat and locked my right arm with her left and we walked out my room and down the corridor. We walked down the stairs and to the right wing of the manor’s corridor we marched. Once we reached to the study door, I shook my head to held back my tears; I was about to lie. Well, lie about what happened during the service and tell technical lies about what happened to my parents.

“You can do this,” Rose whispered to me and I closed my eyes with the door’s fancy knob in my right hand. I closed my eyes as I slowly opened the door and hear the muffled mumbling sound of the Detective and my grandmother. I cleared my throat roughly as I entered the study.

“Hello, Bekim,” Detective Carrie turned to see me. She was sitting before Mrs. Audra in a single seat sofa as Mrs. Audra was on the two-person seat. I walked into the room and took a sit on the three-seat sofa that was facing the French window, with a view to the garden. If it wasn’t raining and a little misty the view would have been exquisite.

“Hello,” I nodded to her as I took the seat. “I’m sorry I was having rather a disturbing conversation with the child service,” I pressed my lips and Mrs. Audra tilted to her right quizzically.

“Are you okay?” she asked me.

“Yes, just...” I shook my head and pressed a smile to Detective Carrie.

“I’m sorry,” she uttered to me. She has a pleasing chubby face and her eyes gives comfort. “I can only imagine what you are passing through. I have a boy, five years old,” she completed her sentence.

“What is this abo...” I was hesitant to go on with the plan. It was hard for me to act right away on what we have practiced on. “I...” at that time the only image that was flashing in my mind was my parents’ bodies and what I did to peoples in the church.

“Here,” Rose speed to fill me some water in a glass and handed me. “Calm down,” she said as I was drinking from her hand. It was hard for a while; it was hard to lie about the truth but it was necessary.

“Are you okay?” Detective Carrie asked me with concern in her eyes; she was sitting on the edge. I gazed back at her and then pressed my lips as I nodded to answer her question.

“I’m sorry,” I shrugged with my eyes heavy as I cleared my throat once again. I handed back the glass Rose was helping me to drink some water with.

“No, I’m sorry,” she whispered. “But I am doing this because I...”

“I know, this is your job,” I breathed a smile. “I understand,” I added and looked to Mrs. Audry who was staring at me uneasy. “That’s a term my father used to use quite a lot of times,” I smiled as I recalled his face. “He used to go on a business trips, a lot,” I rolled my eyes and Mrs. Audry sat back relaxed. “He wasn’t exactly at home; even if he was, he was quiet,” I turned to look into Mrs. Audry’s eyes once again.

“I can assure you he was a hardworking man; loved among his colleagues,” Mrs. Audry answered and I slightly frowned looking to her direction. “The allegation on the news and the assumptions you and your fellow officers are working on are wrong.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” the Detective took over. “I have seen a lot in my line of work; how capable one can be, over a simple misunderstanding,” she shrugged. “Are you close with all the families you help?” the Detective asked her.

“Yes, all of them. I wanted to know if my investment was going to the deserving places. Will you please get the agenda?” She asked Rose and she silently walked behind the giant desk and grabbed on a file box. “My company, ‘A Nata,’ is known for its success but I believe the success was all on the strong shoulders of my workers; I give what they worked hard on.”

“How many in A Nata gets your help?” she asked but Rose already has approached her with the file box that Mrs. Audra pointed her to take a look at the file herself. “Five families?” she arched her forehead in surprise.

“Mr. Donald and Erik are the only ones who approached me directly, with their problems, the rest of them, as you can see over there, I supported them starting from their college life. One was,” she turned to me. “David, her father. All thanks to his remarkable grades in his education.”

“I understand that a decision was made, by you...” the Detective pressed her lips down as she slightly tilted to her left. “David asked for transfer to the Oklahoma’s branch of A Nata’s pharmaceutical branch.”

“Indeed, he was planning on moving with his family,” my grandmother answered and I wasn’t able to hinder my tears. “He wanted the change and everyone agreed to the position he was about to be assigned to. In fact, I will make sure you would get the copies of remarkable recommendations, that was written by everyone, so I would be able to sign on the decision you heard of.”

“It was for me,” I swallowed hard. “I was in trouble at school. I’m not sure if you have checked, but a boy died... took his life, at school and everyone thought I bewitched him.”

“How?” she asked me frowning.

“I’m not a witch to give an explanation on that, but he was popular and I was...” I rolled my eyes. “Impossible for him, but he got obsessed with me and finally jumped,” I licked my lower lip and bit it hard. “I was attacked by his brother and I had to stop going to school, then I settled for a homeschooling. I thought they would send me to boarding school but they were actually planning on changing their lives for me.”

“I see,” the Detective seemed lost in her thoughts. “I’ll check on that deeper,” she pressed her lips and I filled my chest with air. I knew she was looking for the murder to my parents and peoples at the funeral, but there I was, in the same room with her and she didn’t know it. she turned her attention back to the agenda in her hands once again. “Can I get a copy of these?” the Detective asked and Rose turned to Mrs... my grandmother and as soon as she got her confirmation she nodded and walked out the room with the file box.

“I lived in comfort,” I wasn’t able to control my tears in my eyes. “And now I... I’m in good hands,” I nodded slowly as I wiped the tears off my cheeks. It felt good to know that she didn’t abandon me.

After that incident with my grandmother, I was locked in the room and the night before the day in the study room with the Detective, I was with Rose thinking about whether or not to run, but it was then, in that study room, that I saw her again after that day I met myself eye to eye.

“I don’t know if it helps you, but I would say your friends from school are all into magic,” she pressed a smile; I guessed she was trying to comfort me about the word I said they used on me. “I tried to speak with your friend, Cat. She was in and out, but she mentioned a monster,” I slightly chalked but covered it with a cough.

“Meaning?” my grandmother asked frowning.

“Nothing serious. She must have been shocked and it’s not a surprise to hear that from girls their age. The situation wasn’t pleasing and in addition to her medical history it was rather reasonable answer,” she added nodding. “Do you remember what happened that day?” she directed her question to me.

“I... I don’t know what happened. To remember you should know. One minute I was conversing with my parents about the truth, that I was adopted and the next they were dead.” I shook my head. “I swear I didn’t see what happened, I only remembered seeing my parents...” I sobbed.

‘That wasn’t a lie, right? It was the truth and technically told lie.’

“And what happened during the service was rather confusing as I tried to explain for you,” my grandmother took the attention once again.

“Well, we still couldn’t explain any of the incidents. But I’ll make sure to let you know as soon as we find out.” She stood up from her seat and walked to the door with my grandmother. I followed them as well. “Whatever you think might be helping, anything, even for a simple talk, call me,” she said as she handed me her card and I nodded pressing a forced smile.

“Okay, thanks,” I whispered.

“Oh, and thanks for hosting me in your hotel,” she turned to my grandmother and I elevate my eyebrows.

“Anytime. I hope you are enjoying your stay,” she pressed a smile.

“It’s lovely, I might stay around for two or three days.”

“Stay for as long as you wish, you are my guest here,” my grandmother answered to her.

“Here,” Rose uttered by the corridor as she handed her the copies to the files she asked for.

“Oh, thanks,” she shook her head in surprise. “I almost forgot,” she pressed her lips looking down at it checking from paper to paper.

“I copied everything,” Rose said to her.

“You can come back anytime for anything that you think might be helping,” my grandmother said to her.

“Yes, thanks...” she took a while as she looked at each and every single one of us. “Thanks for everything.”

“It is my pleasure,” my grandmother pressed a smile.

“I’ll walk you out,” Rose took the lead in the walk down the corridor. I wasn’t in a position to see them walk away, but my grandmother was looking at them, her hands leaned on her cane, her eyes narrowed. She was in gray colored blouse with flint gray tapered pant, the kitten heel pares contributed to her tallness; she looked much taller. Her hair was subdued in chignon style allowing open view to her face; straight nose, deep set eyes, thin lips and long neck.

“What is it?” I asked her frowning.

“I can tell she smelled something; she just couldn’t tell what,” she added and turned to walk into the study.

“You think she knows?” I asked, feeling worried.

“For that, she has to be one of us and she can’t pass me disguised as human.” She took a while looking at me. “How was it with Savana?”

“I turned the card around, I guess,” I shrugged.

“She is insisting unless time changed her.”

“I’m afraid she lives to disappoint. I don’t know her but based on the information I was fed she is still the same,” she breathed a smile as she walked past me to her desk. “Um, Mrs. Audry?” she simply ceased her walk as she stole a partial glimpse down at me. “Thank you, for never leaving me,” we stayed for a moment just like that but she slowly patted me on my right shoulder where she was standing by. I closed my eyes and walked past her as she did the same; me to my way out the study as she walked to her desk.

***

Once up on a time, as my grandmother told me so, there was my mother who was much more interested in witches’ knowledge. I mean my biological mother. That was despite her own naturally owned power. My blood lines, on my mother’s side are fair... sorry, I have learnt that term isn’t their preference. So, my mother’s blood line is of the people of peace. My father...

Before I start my father’s side, allow me to go on with what happened on my mother’s. She was promised for a prince of Svartálfr; swarthy elves. My grandmother said they are too strong and with tricky power of shapeshifting, energy blast, teleport... a lot. She said they are tall and collection of mighty worriers, swarthy skin and muscled she said they are always armed and with special connection with their power. Svartálfrs are in quarrel about power with Axis-Mundi, my mother’s world. A fight between the world of darkness and light, but they decided that their differences was meant to be solved by equal ruling between them, by uniting through marriage from the royal blood. My mother was promised. That was until the Nephilim brought the fight to Axis-Mundi and my grandmother one day decided to made a deal with the wounded Nephilims. It was all for good cause but it didn’t work and apparently healing them was against the rule and she was supposed to be banned from Axis-Mundi with her power stripped.

I think that was quite sexy, she was the first who left Axis-Mundi with her power, declaring her leadership. Then came earth for my family and my mom, who was as naive as my grandmother that she kept practicing her wicca; she even taught many others.

Then came another once up on a time in my mother’s life, she accidentally opened a portal, while practicing. A gate way to Limbo. She walked through it and roamed around and around in a place of darkness she never thought she would ever see. She saw peoples with great evil intentions in their hearts, where selfishness rules and cruelty were crowned. Even in the dark they say there is light and her light was my father, Sorath. Nephilim and whose name indicate the number six-sixty-six. They fall in love and then I was the witness for that.

By the time all the Nephilims hared that they were expecting me they offered a deal to my father, to give me up for them and that they would approve his relation with my mother. He didn’t want that to happen that they both decided to get back on earth. Back to my grandmother; that was the only safe place for them, words had spread faster that the news of my coming was heard in every world. My father promised that his legions stands by him and that he would do anything to protect his family. Unfortunately, he also didn’t know why they wanted me so he had to go away in search of answers. My mom passed away while giving birth to me. The night I was borne many portals were opened, uncontrollably as well unexplainably. Many warriors of Svartálfr and Axis-Mundi passed through it. Then came every one’s another once up on a time.

And my once up on a time started the day my grandmother decided to give me up for an adoption to my parents. The silent war began. No one is still sure about my existence and as they aren’t sure about my death. My grandmother made sure that both my mother and I have a grave in our name, back in her yard.

She has lived for centuries and worked hard to exist as human. Unlike the reality, she ages like a man and then declare her death like a man. Spends years hidden from life and then reaper as a successor of her own wealth.

‘I know, it sounds tiring, right?’ but it was necessary. She has seen many kings, many ups and downs. She was worshipped once, by human and then forgotten. She has helped others who were banished like her, to regain their powers and gathered them all together. She is their leader.

That was a nice story... or history of my family, my true blood line. She is teaching me about a lot of the others and what they are, but the question is, what the hell am I?

***

“Hey, you need to focus,” Rose scolds me and I shake my head at her tiredly. We are in the backyard trying to clear my mind through meditation. I am about to start school in London after a week and I am trying to learn to control my emotions or piles of bodies will be on my conscious.

“I’m trying,” I answer. We are more focused on the physical exercises and building up my self-confidence. I need the change to accept my preexisting and yet new self. It’s been a while since I saw me; that me; the one I saw in the mirror. I mean, except in my dreams, it’s haunting me.

“Okay,” our teacher opened her eyes and pressed her lips, she seemed disappointed at the way we both are. She is all in pink matching her blush on her cheeks. She brushes her honey blond bob hair with her right hand and huddles as she stares back at both of us. “Can I hear why you both aren’t focusing?”

“I was disturbed by her blowing,” Rose blames me and I gasp looking at her, but our instructor snaps her finger at me to take my attention back to her.

“She kept ordering me to focus,” I shake my head in disbelief but that is not my reason.

“Rose’s reasons are acceptable,” she supports her and I gasp but she stops me with her right hand in the air. “You on the other hand need to work on what’s disturbing you before focusing.”

“There,” I hold my index finger up in the air to the clinging sound that I hear rarely.

“There what?” Rose asks me confused as our instructor elevates her eyebrows up.

“There’s this metal clanging sound, rarely,” I shrug as I stand up from the mat.

“I hear nothing,” our instructor shakes her head as Rose lays back. “I mean except the peaceful wind and the birds singing...”

“I’m taking a time off.” I walked away and after a moment Rose catches up to me.

“Hey, wait for me,” she grabs me by my arm and turns me to face her. “I mean it, I hear nothing,” she smiles for me and I shake my head.

“I said rarely,” I growl looking up to the sky. “There, again, just once,” I say to her as I hear it once again and she shakes her head. “Really? It’s not loud and don’t sound near but...”

“Here. Stop! You need to stop,” she takes my hand and takes me to a bench and we take a sit. “We both know what this is about,” she presses her lips and rolls her eyes. “You’re worried. You are worried that your aunt is coming here,” she just reminds me my other worry that’s been stressing me for three days. My grandmother was clear that we should bring my aunt Tina here. She has woken up but she is unable to speak or move.

“I...” I exhale long and sucks my lips inward. “I did that to her. She will be a constant reminder that I am a mon...”

“A person who didn’t know her power,” Rose snatches words from me. “She will come and you will be okay. You need to focus on your practices,” she presses a smile to me and I hug her.

“I think we need to take a shower,” I utter and she laughs.

“I can’t agree less,” she get up and leads the way running. Just as I stand, I hear the bell once again and I shake my head blowing stream of air.

In the middle of the night the clanging once again wakes me up. I shake my head and walk out my room but see that my grandmother just walked down the stairs.

“Um,” I stretch up but she doesn’t seem like she wants anyone to see her; her focus is rather on her where about and she is in a hurry. She is still in her day dress and walking looking around, sneaking. I simply follow her down the stairs and to the kitchen.

She walks down to the basement and my need to proceed on following her rises even stronger and I follow her. I am on her tail but so that she wouldn’t notice, I am following the tip of her dress; I would stay back until she is far enough. She walks all the way to the end of the long corridor and opens the door to the left and enters in. I look back and check if I am not followed. I bite my lower lip hard and run to the door and opens it.

There is nothing in this room, it’s the same empty room just as the one I was in; empty and quiet and darker. “Where did you go?” I whisper shrugging. I thought I saw her entering this room. I look around and I can’t find anything. I walk out the room and open the other door for another empty small dark room. ‘I was right, I saw her entering that room and not this,’ I thought biting my lower lip and I walk back into that room. Then I hear that clanging sound, but this time around it’s too loud and it hurts my ears and my head. I hide my head between my arms as I scream in pain, falling on the ground. The pain is getting unbearable and I see flashes of images I couldn’t make sense of, but for my mercy I feel weak and I close my eyes.