I Can’t Love You

Five

I fell in Andrew's lap in the car. My heart raced. I knew I was starting to develop feelings for him but I also knew nothing could come of it. I can’t be with him. He’s Ollie’s best friend. I got off his lap and got back in my seat. I thought Ollie and Andrew could hear how fast my heart was beating. I stared out my window and my eyes started to hurt. It didn’t take long for my head to start pounding. I decided not to say anything so Ollie wouldn’t make a big deal about it. It was hard to walk inside when we got to the restaurant but I managed. I sat at the table trying to keep my migraine at bay but I couldn’t. “Liv, you okay?” I blinked a lot trying to look up at him. I couldn’t take it anymore. “Um..yeah, excuse me.” I got up from the table and went to the bathroom. Thankfully, it was a one person bathroom. I turned out the light and sat on the floor. I pulled my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I put my head in my legs and closed my eyes. Not long after, Ollie knocked on the door. “Liv, what’s wrong?”

I didn’t respond and he opened the door. I heard him come over to me but I couldn’t look up at him. “What’s going on, Liv?” I leaned my head up but kept my eyes closed. “Migraine.” Was all I could say. “Can you walk to the car?” I just shook my head. Within seconds, I felt an arm around my waist and one under my legs. I knew who it was, Andrew. My stomach turned feeling his arms around me. We got in the car and Andrew kept me in his arms to hide my eyes from the sunlight. I hurried my head in his chest. I could feel him stiffen his chest and it made me blush. I know it sounds like we’re being dramatic but my migraines are really bad. They have been since I was little. Ollie didn’t drive fast but we reached home pretty soon after. Andrew carried me inside and up to my room. Ollie carried me all the way to my bed while Ollie closed my curtains and turned my lights off. I hate being in the dark alone. I opened my eyes and it hurt even with the lights off. I saw Ollie searching for something. “What’re you looking for?” He looked at me anxiously. “Your meds.” I pointed to the top drawer of my bedside table. He hurried to the table and grabbed the pill bottle. “Shit.” The bottle was empty. “I gotta go get this refilled. I’ll be back.” He looked up at Andrew. “Can you stay with her please?” Andrew nodded, sitting on the side of my bed. Ollie left.

Andrew went to get off the bed but I grabbed his arm. “Will you stay with me please?” He looked down at me and smiled nervously. “Sure.” He sat back in the bed. I closed my eyes and laid my head on his shoulder. I heard his breath hitch a little. I kept my eyes closed the whole time. “So, why’d you come over today?” I could feel his chest move as he took a deep breath. “I just wanted to hang out with Oliver.” For some reason, his answer made me sad. “Are you gonna tell him about the party?” I let out a slight sigh with a smile. “Are you crazy? If I tell him, he’ll kill me.” He chuckled. “Yeah, he’s pretty protective of you.” I groaned. “I know.” He laughed again. I pushed myself closer to him. “How painful are these migraines?” I took a deep breath as I thought of how to explain it. “It feels like a hundred needles stabbing my skull and my eyes from the inside.” He hissed like he was in pain. “I’m sorry, that sounds terrible.” I felt him relax under me as we kept talking. It felt nice cuddling with him. “It’s not that bad when I have the medicine.” He had his arm under my head. He used it to pull me closer and it made me giggle.

“Why do you race cars with Ollie?” I guess the question caught him off guard cause he sighed. “I don’t know. It’s exciting and a way for me to blow off steam.” I thought for a second. “Why? I mean why do you need to blow off steam?” He exhaled like he wasn’t gonna respond but he did. “I have some anger problems that I need to work through and it’s the best way I can think of.” I didn’t know what to say in the moment. I just said the first thing that came to mind. “Why do you have so much anger?” He held me tighter but still gentle. “I think from my dad. He was always angry.” I understood. I don’t think Andrew knew how my dad was before he left. “I get it. Do you remember my dad?” He cleared his throat. “A little. He used to take Oliver and I to our football games.” I wanted to smile but I couldn’t. “That was before.” He started running his hand up and down my arm. “Before what?” I took a slow breath. “Before he started drinking. He became violent.” He stiffened a little. “How violent? If it’s okay that I ask.” I nodded. “He used to pick fights with mom a lot. Ollie would have to get involved and he’d hide me in the closet. He’d tell me not to come out until he came to get me.” He held me tighter.

“Is that why you’re scared of the dark?” I could feel his heartbeat start to race. “No. One night, after Ollie hid me in the closet, dad came into my room and opened it. He tried yanking me out of the closet but I held onto the door and screamed. Ollie came in and they started fighting.” His breath hitched before he spoke. “I’m sorry, Liv. He can never hurt you again, you know that, right?” I smiled. “Yeah, I do.” I looked up at him and opened my eyes. His light green eyes stared straight at me. He grabbed my legs and pulled them over his. He leaned down and our lips were less than an inch from each others. I wanted him to kiss me. Our lips had just barely touched when we heard the front door open. Andrew immediately let me go and moved away from me. He sat at the edge of the bed and my heart shattered. I looked up at Ollie as he walked into my room. He looked at my sad face. “Are you okay?”