Another Chance at Happiness

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

“A toast to the Wildbow Inn!” Lela said proudly, holding up her glass of champagne.

Her children smiled and cheered, lifting up their own glasses. They’d surprised her by coming home the last weekend of September to help her celebrate the soft opening of the inn. She couldn’t believe they were all adults now.

“Mom, the place looks great! I love my room,” Alexander said as he served himself a heaping pile of Chinese takeout.

“Thanks, big kid. I put you in the Manhattan Room because I knew you’d appreciate the minimalist decor.” The room boasted white walls, black leather, glass, potted white orchids, and crisp, clean lines.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool.” Alex was her twenty-four-year-old middle child, but he never fit the middle child stereotype. Always in a bit of a rush, he was a go-getter and loved new experiences. Lela considered her six-foot-four man-child, whose dark-brown hair always seemed to be just a little too long for her liking. He was finishing up his last year of college on the east coast. When he graduated, he would hold two degrees—a bachelor’s and a master’s in mechanical and aerospace engineering.

His blue-green eyes blinked at her. “Where did you the idea for the name Wildbow?”

“The property sits at the corner of Wilderness Road and Rainbow Way, so I took the first part of Wilderness and the last part of Rainbow, and… voilà!” Lela explained as she served herself some chicken and vegetables.

Lela’s daughter, Kaitlyn, smiled and shook her head. “Only you could find a place on a road called Rainbow Way. Or did it find you?” She winked.

Her daughter knew rainbows held a special place in Lela’s heart. Especially in the last few years, when they’d given her hope at her lowest moments. She thought of them as God’s way of telling her not to give up, that everything would be okay.

“Seriously though…” Kaitlyn’s expression sobered, her hazel-green eyes shining with emotion. “Mom, I’m so proud of you. We all are,” she said as her brothers nodded along.

She would be leaving for her first fashion marketing job next month. New York was far away, but Lela knew it was what was best for her. She was five nine and thin, with dark caramel-brown hair cut in a modern and edgy style that would fit in well in the city. As the youngest, one might think that she would be spoiled and coddled, but nothing could be further from the truth. Twenty-two years old and already a strong woman in her own right, Kaitlyn was choosing to follow her own path, utilizing the business and fashion marketing degrees she’d recently earned to obtain a coveted position with Tory Burch in the Flatiron district. Lela couldn’t be more proud.

“October in New York City, I’m so jealous! I’m gonna miss you like crazy, you know.” Lela had raised all three of her children to leave the nest; it was bittersweet, but she was excited for them to start these new phases in their lives.

“I know, Momma. Me too. You doing okay?” Kaitlyn asked as she piled food onto her own plate.

“Sure. Why do you ask?”

Kaitlyn shared a look with her brothers before turning back to her mom. “You’ve seemed sad for a really long time. I thought after the divorce you’d look happier. Are you… dating yet?”

“I haven’t had time with the move and renovating the inn.” Lela looked down at her plate, hoping to avoid further discussion of her love life—or lack thereof.

“Mom,” her daughter chided, pointing her chopsticks at her, “you need to get out and meet people.”

“I know, honey. I will. Eventually.”

The truth was, she could’ve made time to date, but Lela still only wanted Nathan. Her thoughts drifted to him many times a day—wondering what he was doing, if he was happy, and if he thought of her.

“Mom, I’m serious. You’re hot. You can’t waste that.” Kaitlyn winked at her before digging back into her food. Her sons groaned from across the table—they didn’t want to talk about her love life either.

Lela laughed. “Okay, well, since you put it that way, I’ll get right on it.” Hoping to steer the conversation to more comfortable territory, she switched topics. “How do you like the Spa Room?”

“I love it! It’s so airy and relaxing. Good call on the spring-green color and the lake view is gorgeous,” her daughter responded between bites of food. “But I didn’t miss that you’re trying to change the subject.” Kaitlyn gave her a pointed look but let the subject drop.

“Tristan, what about you?” Lela asked, turning to her oldest child.

“What about me?” Tristan was an introvert, much shorter than his younger brother, but with the same mop of dark hair and blue-green eyes. He designed video game apps to fund his tuition and was in his last year of his bachelor’s degree in software development. She called him her “slow-to-boil” child. As a child, he’d always taken longer to hit emotional development milestones than his peers, but he was very intelligent. He taught himself programming and saved the money he earned to put toward his education. When other boys his age were graduating college at twenty-two, he’d just begun at twenty-six. Her ex railed against his lack of maturity and the fact that Tristan still lived at home with him, but she’d known Tristan would get there eventually—and he had. Several big software companies were now courting him to work for them after graduation.

“Do you like your room?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. What’s the name of it again?”

“The Colorado Suite. It’s not too over the top, is it?”

“I don’t think so?” He shrugged. “I like the log furniture.”

“And the colors are okay? I pulled the red, yellow, green, and navy from the wool blanket on the bed.”

He shrugged. “They’re fine, I guess. I really like the fireplace.” Tristan popped what was left of his egg roll into his mouth.

“Aww man! He got a fireplace?” Alex complained as his older brother smiled widely at him.

Lela chuckled at her sons’ bickering. Just like old times…

“Alex, you can stay there the next time you come out,” she promised, putting the argument to rest.

Their conversation eventually lapsed into a comfortable silence as they all focused on their food. A few minutes later, they cleared the table and brought the dishes to the kitchen. Lela started loading the dishwasher while her children put the leftovers away in the fridge.

“Hey, Mom, can I ask you a question?” Kaitlyn asked hesitantly.

Oh boy, this sounds serious. “Sure. What’s your question?”

“What really happened between you and Dad? I know you both weren’t happy for a long time, but when did you stop loving each other?” she said quietly, looking away.

“It’s complicated, honey.” Lela sighed.

“Is it, Mom? You stopped loving Dad. You asked for a divorce. That’s it,” Alex huffed, turning his back to her.

Lela crossed her arms. “Actually, it is complicated, Son. I know it’s hard for all of you to understand because none of you have had a serious relationship yet, so I’ll do my best to explain. This is going to be hard, but you three are old enough to hear at least some of the details.”

“I don’t want to hear any of it,” Alex mumbled.

Sigh. “You’re welcome to plug your ears or go back to your room at the inn, Alexander.”

He didn’t move. Taking that as her sign to continue but wanting to move their conversation to a more comfortable setting, Lela asked them to join her in the living room and motioned for them to sit.

“I need to start by saying that I’m telling you this because I want better for you. I want you to learn from my mistakes. Got it?”

Listening intently, Kaitlyn and Tristan nodded. Alex rolled his eyes and took out his phone, pretending he wasn’t interested in hearing her explanation.

“The short story is… I settled. I’d just graduated from college, and several of my friends had either already married or were getting married. It was the next step to becoming a successful adult—at least that’s what I believed at the time. I met your dad six months after graduation, and we were married a year later. We got along great in the beginning. Well… mostly. After we’d been married for a couple years, I realized we were like a pair of mismatched socks—we didn’t match or even complement each other, but we still got the job done. There were red flags, but I ignored them, thinking that anything can be worked through, no matter what. That people can change.”

Alex scoffed. “So why didn’t you just work through it then?”

“Alexander, there’s something you need to try to understand. I grew up not being able to say what I thought. It didn’t matter what my feelings were. In fact, my feelings were insignificant in relation to my parents’ desires. I was raised to be seen and not heard. It’s why I tried my best to raise you with a sense of your own empowerment. I wanted you to know that you had a voice, and it mattered. That your opinions mattered. That you mattered.”

“So what?” Alex demanded bitterly.

“Alex…” Tristan frowned at his brother. “Chill out and let Mom explain.”

“What?” Alex snapped, jumping to his feet his anger. “You can’t tell me that not being able to say what you thought made you divorce Dad, cause that’s bullshit!”

Lela had heard enough. “It absolutely had something to do with it! Now sit down, be quiet, and listen.” She suddenly felt exhausted, like she’d just finished running a marathon but still had another twenty-six miles to go.

“What else, Mom?” Kaitlyn asked, gently prompting her to continue, as Alex sat back down in a huff.

“You know how your dad is with his video games, right? He started playing them back when we first married. It was fun at first. He would play on the weekends, and I would watch him play just to be in the room with him. But after a few months, he started spending more and more time focused on his games. He would come home from work and go straight to the computer, not even stopping to say hello or ask how my day was. He said it was how he relaxed after work. He would spend more time talking with the people on his game than with me.

“After a while, though, I noticed that he’d become even more obsessed with his games. He’d become irrationally angry when he didn’t do well, when I interrupted him and accidentally caused his character to die, or when the people he played with messed things up…”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Tristan asked.

“I did. We argued about it all the time, but it would always come back to ‘this is how I relax after work.’ What could I really say to that? ‘Sorry, you can’t relax?’ Then I got pregnant with you, Tristan.” She looked at her oldest and smiled softly.

“When we were younger, your dad talked about how he always wanted to be a father, told me that he wanted to spend time with his kids because his own dad never did. So I hoped that things might change after you were born. That he would choose his family over his games. But things only got worse. You remember how your dad would ignore you completely and even get angry at you if you interrupted him while he was playing his games? You can’t possibly say you don’t remember…”

“Yeah, Mom. I remember. He would scream at us to ‘shut up’ when you weren’t home,” Tristan recounted sadly.

Alex snorted derisively. “Yeah, well, we were annoying.”

“Alex,” Kaitlyn cut in, turning to face her brother, “we were just kids. He should’ve been hanging out with us, playing with us.”

Lela’s heart ached at the pain in her daughter’s voice. “Yes, he should’ve, but he chose not to. I tried to make him realize that what he was doing was wrong, that it was hurting his family. But he refused to acknowledge it, and he knew how to shut me up. All he had to do was argue in circles, call me stupid or illogical, or call me names. I felt like I did when I was a child. Ignored. Worthless. Inferior. Someone to be seen but not heard. He didn’t value me as a partner or even a person. I was just there to take care of the house and the kids, to do whatever needed to be done. It was no use fighting when he was like that. Nothing I said or did ever made any difference.” She took a deep breath, fortifying herself, not wanting to cry in front of her children.

Kaitlyn rose, sat next to her mother, and put her arm around her shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Mom. I had no idea.”

“If it was so terrible, Mom, why did you wait so long to divorce him?” Alex asked, sounding less hostile now.

“Three reasons. You, your brother, and your sister. I didn’t want you growing up in a broken family. Plus, I didn’t want to be a failure, and at the time, I thought that divorce meant failure. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth. I put all my focus on you three—I went to your teacher conferences, volunteered at your school, took you to your sports practices and games. I threw myself into making sure you three had everything you needed and tried to make up for your dad not spending time or attention on you. But you grew up.”

Tristan’s brows furrowed in confusion. “That’s when you decided? We were grown up before last year, Mom.”

“True. But it took me a while to realize how lonely and isolated I was. And it was hard for me to admit that I’d made a mistake all those years ago.”

“Wow, thanks, Mom,” Alex grumbled sarcastically. “I guess we were mistakes too?”

“Alexander, that’s enough. You know that’s not what I meant. You didn’t have to listen to my explanation about why I divorced your father, but you chose to stay. I never said you’d like what you heard. I told you it was complicated. As much as you’d like to see life in black and white, the bitter truth is that life is actually many colors—reds, blues, browns, yellows, greens. And gray. Many, many shades of gray.”

“Let me guess, Mom—fifty shades of gray?” Kaitlyn grinned and wiggled her eyebrows.

My girl, thank you for trying to lighten the mood. “Something like that.” She smiled at the two who were still looking at her. “Of course I don’t think that you three are mistakes. In fact, I know that God brought me to your dad just so I could have the three of you. But once you didn’t need me as much anymore, I started to notice the huge void in my life, in my marriage. I knew about all your dad’s wants, desires, and dreams, but I realized that I didn’t have any of my own. I’d never really been allowed to have any… When I was young I dreamed of someday owning and operating a bed-and-breakfast, but when I told my father about the idea, he told me to forget about it and focus on going to college.”

“Oh, Momma, I’m so sorry.” Kaitlyn’s eyes began to shine with tears.

Lela ignored her daughter’s tears; if she let herself become distracted by them she wouldn’t be able to continue. “My parents made me feel like I was less than. Unworthy. That I should feel lucky that anyone would want me.”

“You always acted like you were so perfect when we were growing up.”

Thanks, peanut gallery. “Well, I’m not perfect, Alex. Far from it. That’s why I’m sharing this with you. I want you to learn from my mistakes. Because you deserve better. I want you to find someone who knows all your flaws and loves you anyway. Someone who knows that you will both change over time and is excited to change with you. Someone that encourages you to do more and be a better person. Someone you can trust with all your thoughts and dreams, and even the crazy, silly stuff in your head. They shouldn’t make fun of you or put you down.”

Lela paused and looked each of them in the eye, making sure they were paying attention. “If you don’t feel like you can be your true self with someone, then you absolutely shouldn’t marry them. And just so you know, I did try to mend things with your dad. To find a way to make it work. We were in marriage counseling for two years. I tried to find some happiness for myself so that I could be a better wife for your dad, a better mom for you three. But it wasn’t enough—things stayed the same at home, and I was still unhappy. I moved into the guest bedroom to get better sleep. Basically, your dad and I were just roommates and co-parents. Then he gave me an ultimatum—either I changed back to who I was when he was happy or he was done. I told him I couldn’t go back, and that was it. We separated, and well, you know the rest.”

Tristan stood up and moved to sit on her other side. “When you moved out into the guest room, I knew something was wrong. Well, I knew things weren’t great before, but that was big. I’m sorry you were so miserable.”

“Thank you, Tristan. I just want you all to know our divorce didn’t have anything to do with you guys. You were the glue that kept us together.”

“Mom, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but it actually makes me feel worse because we’re the reason why you were unhappy for so long,” Kaitlyn said sadly.

Lela hugged her daughter. “Oh, honey, that wasn’t my intention at all! It was my decision to stay, so it’s on me, okay?”

“She has a point, Mom. It sucks knowing we’re part of the reason you stayed in a bad situation,” Alex murmured.

Lela stood and joined Alex on his end of the sectional, taking his hand and squeezing it slightly. “Your feelings are important, Alex, and I’m thankful and proud that you’re sharing them.” She looked at her other two children sitting across from her. “I want all of you to be able to tell me how you feel without worrying about how I’ll take it. Be angry. Be disappointed. It’s all okay. I want to keep the lines of communication open between us. All right?”

“Okay, Mom,” Tristan said, shifting nervously on the couch. She knew all this touchy-feely talk was hard for him.

“Thanks for telling us,” Kaitlyn chimed in.

“Alex?” Lela asked softly.

“Yeah, okay,” he muttered.

“Okay then. Let’s move on to a happier topic, shall we? You guys are only here for the weekend. What should we do after I finish serving breakfast and cleaning up at the inn tomorrow?”

“I really need some new shoes,” Alex volunteered sheepishly.

Tristan raised his hand in the air. “Yeah, me too.”

“I could always go for another pair of shoes…” Kaitlyn giggled.

Lela laughed. “So, shopping? Music to my ears!”