My mate and my gift

Chapter five: Mira

His eyes had met mine and I couldn’t look away.

They were a dark gray with a silver-blue shine. They were warm and calming and gave me a sensation of falling, drowning in those perfect eyes.

And then it happened – I knew. We were mates. In my mind I saw flashes of our life together: Matthew coming home every day and forcing me to let him have his way with me, scratches and bruises from when he lost control, me being home every day to take care of our pups, almost like a prisoner in what should be my own home.

I started to panic. This couldn’t be. I didn’t want to be trapped. Not by him! Or by anyone else for that matter! I just wanted to be me. To be free.

I had managed to push him away, escape to my room and lock the door.

I leaned my back against the door, exhaling a long breath. Seconds later I heard footsteps come to a stop right outside my door. His scent seeped through the wood and I could almost feel his breath on my neck. My heart was racing in my chest and I held my breath. This could not be! It just couldn’t! I had promised myself that I would never be bound to anyone. Ever!

I used all my strength to keep myself from opening the door and let myself be engulfed in those dark eyes.

The sound of fading footsteps let me know that he had left. I slid down the door and sat on the floor.

A thousand thoughts were chasing each other in my head, all fighting for my attention. How could this have happened? Hadn’t I suffered enough already? Was I now going to be bound to such an arrogant, self-centered, and selfish man? I thought not!

The wolf in me did not agree with me. I could practically feel her scratching against the door to be let out and run to her mate, but I would not let that happen. I didn’t know the Goddess’ plan for me or my future, but this time she had taken it too far.

A picture of Roxy emerged in my head and I sat up startled. How was I going to tell her about this? No, I wouldn’t tell her! Matthew and I would never be a mated pair, and Roxy would never have to know. I just had to let Matthew know that he and I would never be a thing. Ever!

I stayed where I was, trying to calm down. Matthew had made my body burn and I was now desperately trying to cool it down again.

I noticed tears had welled up in my eyes and I blinked them away. Great. How did I become such a crybaby?

I knew how; this was not how I had planned my new life in the new pack to be. And although I had not wanted to be surrounded by wolves that I dared call friends, I now feared losing them if they found out what had happened. They would surely take Roxy’s side and freeze me out. It wasn’t like I wanted this! She could have him for all I cared.

Tears filled my eyes again, and this time they would not be blinked away.

I crawled to my bed and grabbed my laptop from the duffle bag underneath. I had been taking various software development classes, along with every economics, stock market and computer science class I could find. I even researched on the internet on my own. None of my friends knew about this. Most girls were not into these things, and I kept my mouth shut. In class I kept my head down and spent most of my time listening instead of surfing the social media sites like most of the guys were doing. For most of them this was probably the only time they got in front of a computer and a lot them used the classes to look up silly stuff like human depictions of werewolves.

I had been spending my free time working on my new album that I wanted to release, and I had set up a secret bank account that the pack would never find. It was linked to my music, and I had already had several people donating money to me, asking me to make more music. I had used the money to invest in stocks and I had developed a program that would scan the market several times a day to make investments for me. Right now, I only had 15000 in my account. It was nowhere near enough to get as far away as I needed to be able to escape. The pack would come looking for me.

I fell back on the floor, laughing at myself. What was I thinking? If I tried to leave now, I would not make it a whole day before they found me. Even if I managed to get away undetected, I would maybe get a full day’s head start, which still wasn’t enough. And even then, I wouldn’t know where to go or how to stay hidden.

Panic was taking root in me again and I felt like I was going to throw up. I got up and walked to the bathroom, splashing water in my face, trying to calm myself down.

I tried to focus on making a new track for the album, but every time I listened to my work in progress, the music would remind me of Matthew, and I discarded everything to start over again.

His face was burned on the inside of my eyelids. I could still smell him even though it had been hours since I left him in the hallway. The touch of his lips still lingered, and I lifted my hand to my mouth. I licked my lips. I could even still taste him; a subtle trace of salty coffee-caramel on my lips. I had always hated coffee, ever since I was small. Many wolves started drinking coffee after they had pups, to give themselves an energy boost on the sleepless nights. I had had my fair share of sleepless nights, finally falling asleep only to be woken up in the morning to the smell of coffee and the sound of someone pounding on my door.

I jolted awake, screaming with no sound and my throat as dry as sandpaper. I didn’t even know I had fallen asleep. I hadn’t dreamed of my childhood since I had moved to the new pack. My eyes stung and I could tell I had been crying in my sleep.

I rolled out of bed and splashed some more water in my face. It did me little good. I looked at myself in the mirror and I could see my eyes were red and puffy. Great.

My stomach was growling, and I looked at my alarm clock in the mirror. It was almost time for lunch. I had almost expected it to be dinner time. The hours had gone by so slow. If this continued, I would feel 10 years older by tomorrow. I rubbed my face to get some color back in my cheeks and make me look more alive.

A knock on my door got me out of my thoughts and I slowly walked to the door. I could smell her before I even reached the door. Roxy always wore an incredibly unique type of perfume and I could always smell her from a mile away.

“Who is it?” I called to give me a few more minutes to collect my thoughts. How was I going to face her?

“Roxy” she answered, “I was wondering if you were back from class and wanted to know if we should head down for lunch together?”

I rested my head against the door, fighting back tears.

“One minute” I called. I didn’t really need a minute to get ready, I just wanted to stall a bit.

“Okay” I heard her say. I thought I could detect a bit of worry in her voice. Did she already know?!

Heart sinking, I opened the door, ready to flash Roxy the most brilliant smile I could muster.

“Are you ok?” she asked before I had time to do anything. My heart dropped out of my body.

“What?” I asked, utterly confused.

“I heard you scream” she stated. So, I had made a sound after all.

“Oh. I just had a bad nightmare” I said, trying to put on an air of indifference.

“About what?” she asked

“I dreamed I was no longer a werewolf. I had lost my ability to shift” In my mind I crossed my fingers that she believed me. I was not ready to tell her about my past just yet. If I could help it, I would prefer never to have to tell anyone.

“I can see how that would be terrifying” she said, “I couldn’t imagine not being here with my family or friends. And Matthew of course” she added at the end, her cheeks turning red.

She flashed me one of her brilliant smiles. She must really like Matthew. I answered her smile, but it was awkward, and I felt a knot in my stomach.

I felt an urge to tell her what had happened, but also to assure her that I was not interested in Matthew and that she could rest easy that I would never take him away from her, but as soon as I opened my mouth, I couldn’t get the words across my lips.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” she asked again, her eyes full of worry

“Yes, I’m fine” I lied.

I was not fine. How could I be? I was betraying a girl that I really cared about and would probably consider a friend. Maybe even a best friend. Had I been mated to any other male wolf, then I would definitely have run to her straight away to ask her what to do. And then I would probably complain about her answer because she would probably have told me to embrace it. But I couldn’t. And it hadn’t happened between me and any other wolf. It just had to be Matthew, the guy my best friend was intimate with.

I couldn’t even ask Sascha. I was sure she would tell me to accept my fate and the way of our world. Sascha had always been very traditional when it came to how our world worked. She would probably tell me that Roxy would understand that this was not something Matthew and I had chosen. That we had no control over who we are fated to be with. That the Goddess had a plan for us.

The plan our Goddess had for me had never seemed to be in my favor, so I had always taken almost every chance I got to go against it. Maybe that was why the Goddess decided to punish me like this – again.

I looked up at the ceiling; cursing and begging the Goddess at the same time.

“Shall we go?” Roxy asked and I nodded.