Make me whole

Ain't no Angel

“What are you doing there?” My very intelligent mom would ask, suspecting that something’s wrong. “Nothing.” She'd reply. “Just getting fresh air.” Pure lies. I secretly hoped that she’d finally get to the bottom of her shenanigans and catch her out for my peace. I was never one to lie and having to look at my mother daily and lie to her was by far the most horrible thing to do. Things like cell phones and grocery items would randomly go missing around the house and what got to me the most about that is that I'd always be involved and caught in the crossfire when mom starts asking questions and hurling insults. It’s so angering having to defend oneself knowing very well that I haven’t been innocent. I never snuck a boyfriend in or took food out so we could cook and see how the married life would treat us but there I was getting yelled at for absolutely no reason.

For a person who was abused both emotionally and physically by her, I sure had her back. I wouldn’t tell on her, no matter how much I saw or knew. I took one for the team and kept my mouth shut, besides, I knew better than to say anything. My mom would leave me here with her the next morning when she went to work so I needed to tread very carefully when around her, careful not to get burnt.

It was one day that I knew for sure that I'd finally be saved from her abuse and that was when my mom discovered why she was going. She was getting more and more suspicious of my sister's behaviour.

She started questioning when she started eating in her bedroom because we dined together in that house and why she suddenly had a big appetite. She was not a heavy eater so that puzzled the both of us. She’d always have seconds and take them to her room.

“What are you doing here?” I laughed silently the moment I heard those words, knowing very well that they had been caught and I’d finally get to see her being beaten for once.

“So this is what you do when in not around huh?”

The evil of me to want this badly but hey… Every dog has its day.

My mom beat the living daylights both out of both my sister and the boy through the burglar-proofed windows but he managed to get away. The action did not stop, no! She carried on hitting my sister until she was satisfied and then clicked her tongue after that. Her chest was rising and falling, a clear sign of anger. I’ve been waiting for this day.

I noticed that her little finger looked bent now but dismissed the thought, thinking that it’d get back to normal.

I looked at her long and hard thinking about what she’ll do next, hoping that she won’t take her frustrations out on me. I never expected that one day she’d leave the house and boy! Was it a dramatic exit? I saw a plate of spaghetti flying across the room and crash right on top of her head and straight into the wall. My eyes have never grown so wide as I watched the whole thing unfold.

Okay, I knew my mom was a savage but I never expected that from her. Whoa. Did she? A whirlwind of questions circled my mind as I tried to fathom what she had just done. I instantly felt guilty for wishing bad upon Uyasimama. Where will she go? How will she survive? Mom didn’t allow her to take even a pair of clothes with her. Does this mean shell be wearing the same clothes every day? Will she walk around naked then? My head hurt from thinking too much. I swallowed hard as I thought about everything that could possibly happen to her out on the cold, hard streets and hoped that she’d be alright and safe from predators waiting out there to prey on young women and girls.

I didn’t understand why she didn’t just apologize to mom and let sleeping dogs lie. I didn’t understand what it was about this boy that made her choose him over her own family. I know they say we can’t sympathize with people that brought things upon themselves but me, being the good-hearted person that I am, started feeling sorry for her. I hoped that the boyfriend would at least take her in as he was the cause of all this. I wanted her to stop the abuse, not move out! I felt really bad for her.

Says turned into weeks, weeks into months, thankfully, no more than a year. I had been to every church around my area, praying for her to be alright, for her safe return.

I didn’t need much convincing that I'm going to love my new home in the suburbs because I was all for it! I thought for sure that this had to be the greatest thing to ever happen to me I was bouncing on the seat, barely able to contain my happiness the day that I left home, thinking about how I’m going to impress my new teachers work my polished English skills and good marks. I thought about all the fun times I’d have with my stepsister, how I'd protect her as the older sister and never let any harm come her way. Memories that haunt me every day when I think about how I’ve failed to be better for her, how I turned out to be the same person that Uyasimama was to me. Her glossy eyes visit my memory once in a while, my words ring in my ears.

“Give it!” I'd demand, wanting whatever it was that I wanted from her and she would, knowing better than to go against my word. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time, do better towards her, be the older sister she needed instead of being her arch-nemesis. She should be able to come to me for any advice she needs. I breathe a very heavy sigh when thinking about how that looked like I was being personal towards her because she was not my mother's daughter. What right then, did I have to complain about being mistreated when I did the same thing? I feel awful with every single day that’s passes for everything that I did to her but well, I paid dearly for what I did too.