Tomorrow may never come

Something Blue

I opened the door to my parent's home.  The musty smell wafted over to me indicating that they haven't cleaned in a while.  But I smiled as I went in.

There is no place like home.

I went in and locked the doors, opened the curtains to let the sunshine in and inspected the gardens.  Everything was as it was before I got kidnapped and held against my will.  It was as if nothing was moved, nothing was changed.

But everything was.

I plopped myself at the couch and turned on the TV just to drown out the silence.  The sunlight brightened the room.  I could see the areas where I needed to clean.

I need to clean.

Double checking the doors again, I went inside my bedroom and took out some change of clothes.  I remember to check for messages but decided to take a bath first.  I limped to the bathroom and winced as my bruised ribs protested at my constant twisting.  The doctor told me to stay at the hospital until I was fully recovered but I was worried about school.  I don't know how many missed assignments and projects that I had to comply before I can fully finish my education there, at least to make something out of this disastrous life of mine.  I promised the doctor that I will be going to the hospital on constant check ups until I can get a clean bill of health.  As for the medical bills, the doctor just smiled and offered his calling card before wishing me to get well.  He even printed his cellphone number at the back of the card.

Weird

And so here I am, inside the bathtub while scrubbing the antiseptic smell of the hospital as I wondered what I should do next.  I don't have anything to do, I suddenly realized.  True, I have been constantly keeping house, taking care of my traitor sister and working on school work when I have the time.  I even had a boyfriend and a couple of girlfriends but when you think about how to move on from being r***d and beaten to death, nothing comes up.  

I don't even know why I held on to this life that I had nothing worth fighting for.

But now, I don't want to die.

I chuckled at how inconsistent I was.  The doctor's and the paramedic's admiring glances made me feel something weird.  I feel disgusted that those thugs took away my virginity but I don't feel unworthy anymore.  Strangely,  I want to show them: those thugs, my sister, my boyfriend and my friends that my dignity might have been crushed but I will fight.  I won't be crushed by their expectations anymore.  Seeing those medical workers and policemen admiring me made me realize I can fight this.

Do not go gently into that good night.  Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

*****

The day passed uneventfully and before I knew it, it was morning.  I wondered if I should bring my cellphone since my illustrious boyfriend might contact me but I remembered my resolve.

He didn't even contact me when I was held as a prisoner, when they bullied me and when I was down on the dumps.

I smirked.  I shouldn't care less.

I dressed carefully, wearing a white sleeveless cashmere top with black leggings and brown high-heeled boots.  I pinned my hair up with a simple hair tie and added a lip gloss.  I looked at myself in the mirror and felt a little off.  I have never worn anything that would show off my arms or would fit me perfectly.  I guess this would be the first time to do this.

One, change wardrobes.

Two, get a job.

Three, complete a self defense class.

Thinking about how those men flipped me like I was a piece of paper, how easily I was duped by my sister, boyfriend and friends made me take a good look at myself.  I don't want to be in that situation again.  

Smiling widely, I flipped my eyebrow at my reflection and picked my book bag.  I locked the doors before walking down the street towards St. Michael Academy.  As I was walking down the pavement, I noticed other people doing their exercises and errands like any ordinary morning.  Some smiled at me and I returned their smiles.  In a way it was relaxing.  Each of these individuals have their own worries, their own problems but they managed to work on existing peacefully in an unpredictable life.  I wondered if I can do the same.

Soon enough, I was standing at the gates of the school, conscious of the gawking stares of the students.  Their whispers were loud enough to be heard.

Who's that?  I haven't seen her before?

What are you saying?  That's Catarina, Ana's sister.

Oh my God!  Didn't she say that her sister was dead?

A smirk formed at my lips.  I looked at the group of girls whispering loudly at the side and noted that they were Ana's posse.  I remembered they were part of the group who were harassing me before and would constantly ask me to do errands.  One of the girls bravely moved forward and approached me.  I remembered her name was Cindy.

"Oh um hey.  Fancy seeing you here."  She said while looking around probably looking for my sister.

I smiled at her.  "Yeah.  This is a school, right."

"So uh can you call her?  She was supposed to meet us here before school starts."

I smiled again.  This time sarcastically.

"Oh honey, I suggest you do it after all you thought about it.  Besides you know my sister better than I ever could."

I left her there as she was sputtering some reply.  I guess I have to be on the look out for my sister as well as keeping up a straight face.

 Do not go gently into that good night.

*****

Ana cried loudly.

One of the kids at the playground was lording over the swing again.  I glared at the boy angrily before stomping over to them.  I was tall for a small kid so nobody from our neighborhood would come near me.  Ana was the weak one.  She was always crying, always begging for help.

I pushed the boy sideways.

"Get away from her."  I shouted at him, glaring at him from my height.

The boy tried to fight back but I kept pushing him down.

From that day on, Ana's tears stopped.

"Class Dismissed."  a voice boomed out.

I was jolted out of my memories by the teacher.  I think I lost him with exponents.  I wiped my cheeks when a few tears tracked down.  I was unaware that I was crying

I took up my things and was ready to go out when a hand landed on my desk.

"Hey, babe.  Miss me?"