I Thought I Needed Saving..

Chapter 7: Repercussions

The silence in Serena’s bedroom wasn’t the peaceful kind. It was the kind that had teeth.

​Her mother wasn't home and her father had moved out. I was sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at the floor, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. She had called me over first thing in the morning, asking me to come so we could check the results together.

​The bathroom door finally clicked open.

​Serena walked out slowly, her hands trembling as she held out two digital pregnancy tests. I stood up abruptly, and as my eyes fell on the small screens, her voice cut through the heavy silence before I could even process what I was looking at.

​"I'm pregnant," she whispered.

​I didn't need her to say it. I could see it for myself-- both tests showed two clear lines.

​My heart dropped straight into my stomach.

​"Serena, what did you f*****g do?!" I yelled, my voice booming in the quiet room as the two tests slipped from my grip and clattered onto the floor. I grabbed my hair in frustration. "Do you have any idea what you just did?"

​"Cole, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry," she cried, tears instantly streaming down her face.

​I collapsed back onto the bed, burying my face in my hands, my elbows resting heavy on my knees.

​Serena dropped to her knees in front of me, resting her shaking hands on my legs. "Cole... maybe... maybe it's not really a bad idea," she sobbed softly. "Why can't... why can't we just date and be a real family?"

​My head turned slowly to look at her, total disbelief washing over me.

​"You know I'll never cheat on you," Serena pressed on, her voice desperate. "You know you're the only one I've ever slept with, and the only one I'll ever sleep with. You’re the only one I'll ever see, Cole. And... and I'll take care of our child. I'll love our child as much as I love you--"

​"Are you f*****g nuts?!" I shoved her hands off me and stood up furiously, towering over her. "Is that really all you're thinking about, Serena?! My mother is going to f*****g kill me! She f*****g dictates my life-- I can’t have a child unless she f*****g tells me to! And all you can think about is that we should date?!"

​"Cole-- "

​"Do you f*****g know how this is gonna affect me?!" I shouted, pacing the floor like a caged animal. "Do you f*****g know what you just did to me? I've always wanted to be a good father to my kids, Serena. But you've deprived me of the chance to become a better person before I could have a child! I'm f****d up right now, Serena! My life is f****d up-- I'm really f****d up!"

​"Cole..." My name escaped her mouth again, this time in sheer shock.

​"No, Serena! Don't f*****g call my name, because you don't f*****g get it!" I pointed my finger at her, "I don’t know how to f*****g love! I don't know what love is, and I don’t f*****g have the qualities I would've liked my kids to have!" I turned my index finger to point at myself, the words coming out like venom. "So tell me, Serena-- what the f**k am I gonna teach my child when I'm this f****d up? How am I going to be a good father when I'm not even a good son? When I'm not even a good f*****g person?!"

​Serena reached out, taking my hand in hers as she sobbed uncontrollably. "I’m sorry... I'm so sorry, Cole. I didn’t know all this. You never talk to me about yourself. But... but Cole, you're not a bad person. You're a good person to me. You always listen to my problems, and you always comfort me--"

​I let out a harsh, bitter chuckle and yanked my hand out of her grip.

​"I listen to your problems? I comfort you? I'm a good person?" I stared down at her, the truth at the tip of my tongue tasting ugly and raw. "Do you f*****g know why I 'listen to your problems,' Serena? Because I find comfort in your misery. Hearing you tell me about your family-- about your neglectful parents-- makes me feel less hurt about my own family situation! Seeing you carry the same pain of being an only child who craves love and attention from her parents makes me feel f*****g better because I'm not the only one!"

​Serena took a step back, her face pale. "That's not true," she whispered, her voice tiny.

​"Oh, it's not true?" I spat, taking a step toward her. "Then is it also not true that every time I 'comfort you,' I have s*x with you, and you don't f*****g hear from me again until I come back for more?!"

​Serena kept stepping backward in horror until the back of her legs hit the edge of the bed. She collapsed onto the floor, pulling her knees to her chest and covering her ears with both hands.

​"The truth is.. I only care about you because you make me feel less miserable," I continued, relentless. "And Serena, you said it yourself-- I used you, and now you're pregnant. You need to face it. I've only ever been using you for s*x. We can't... we can't ever be a family."

​"That's not true... that's not true... that's not true..." Serena chanted repeatedly, burying her face as her voice rose in volume, bordering on hyperventilation.

​I stopped talking. The rage drained out of me all at once, replaced by a hollow dread as I realized she was sliding straight into an anxiety attack.

It's something that happens from time to time.

​I let out a heavy sigh of defeat. Kneeling down on the floor beside her, I gently pulled her hands away from her ears and pulled her into a tight hug, resting her head against my chest.

​"I'm sorry," I muttered into her hair, forcing my voice to soften as her breathing slowly leveled out. "I'm sorry, Serena. I just freaked out, okay? I said things I shouldn't have said. I'm going to be there for the child.. be a present father. I'll support you guys. I promise."

​I stayed there, rocking her gently until her body went limp against me.

I wanted to be out of that room.

But I knew Serena wasn't going to let me go that easily. So I did what I always did whenever she had an anxiety attack-- I carried her to the bed, and f*cked her to sleep.