Lucifer's Fire

Chapter 1

Present Day

“So… I kinda sorta maybe did something stupid.”

The words tumbled out of me without so much as a hello first. 

“So what else is new? How big of a mess do I have to clean up this time?” 

The voice on the other end hadn’t even missed a beat. Then again, Angel and I had been having conversations like this for the past 20 something years. Ever since we first met in high school.

“Nothing too bad. I don’t think. I hung out with him again last night.” 

I knew she would know exactly what him I had been referring too. James, the sinfully delicious male that made all common sense and self preservation take a back seat whenever he got too close. You could smell the heartbreak and danger around him, serving as a warning that he never outgrew his player phase. At least that’s how he came across. In reality a hurt, nice guy hid behind the facade. Ya, I’m totally aware of how stupid that sounded, but I had seen it.

“I don’t know about you.”

“It wasn’t so bad. I was seriously about to tell him off and walk away but he was all sweet and stuff. He apologized in his way.”

“ALEX!”

Her voice boomed through my car speaker making me cringe for a second. Before she could go on her protective rant I quickly continued on.

“We didn’t have s*x! Not that I don’t seriously need to get laid.” I grumbled. 

I heard Angel’s sigh but I continued my defense. “I wanted answers.”

“You didn’t have to see him to get answers, or tell him off.”

I grunted in response. She had me there. Truthfully I had done a little bit of both several times throughout the past few weeks without being face to face, and she knew it. But there’s so much more to words than what’s said. It hadn’t been like I had asked to see him though. I just hadn’t run away when he pulled up.

“He pushes you away just to pull you back. Every time you get around him that all gets forgotten about,” she continued, pulling me from my thoughts. “Until the next time he breaks your heart. He’s not worth it.”

“He is.” I mumbled as all the good memories flooded my mind. “I know it doesn’t seem like it but he really is.” 

I shook my head snapping myself out of it as the memory of the last heartache came rushing to the surface. “Anyways it doesn’t matter because I’m not a damn yo-yo. I won’t fall for that s**t again.” 

“Uh huh.”

 “So okay, there might have been a moment… or several, but I kept my guard up. I stayed distant. I wasn’t about to fall into that trap again. I’m done. Besides, we were out in public.”

“Ya but the time of night you guys meet up there’s not exactly a whole lot of people around.”

“I’m too old to have s*x, or anything else, in the back of a car.” I argued, “I’m not about to try and reclaim my lost youth and turn into a some horny teenager. I’m a responsible adult.” 

Not that the freedom of being an irresponsible youth again didn’t have a seductive allure. It had been one hell of a ride since my ex-husband and I had split a few years back. Now with the divorce finalized and my kids either out of the house, or almost out, my hormones had apparently decided to take over the logical side of my brain when it came to men and relationships.

“Still fantasizing about having s*x on the hood of a viper?” 

I could hear her smirk through the phone.

“Okay, that’s different. It’s a viper! And who knows if I’d actually do it. Besides,” I added smugly, knowing she wouldn’t take offense, “he doesn’t own a viper so I’m safe.”

I could hear the eye roll through the phone.

“Plus,” I continued, “You can’t tell me that if you were single and were given the opportunity to have s*x on a race car after it won that you wouldn’t take it.”

“The heat from the engine would burn my ass.” 

“You know if he was hot enough he’d be worth it. And who says you can’t be on top and he gets the s*x burn?” 

“I don’t know about you.” She sighed. Angel said this about me so many times it had become a term of endearment. Either that or a verbal pat on the top of the head. Like the kind you give to a young child. I preferred to think of it more like the former rather than the latter.

“Do you ever? I keep you entertained though.” I laughed. “But hey I just pulled up to Sky’s. I’ll talk atcha later?”

“Sounds good. Try to stay out of trouble?”

“You know me!” I dismissed.

“Exactly. So at least try.” Angel laughed. 

I shot Skylar a quick text as soon as we hung up the phone.

Here

I put my phone back in the cradle. Images from the previous night floated through my mind. The raw emotions flooded through me as if experiencing them for the first time all over again.

James sat behind the wheel. The handle of the door pressed into my back as I tried to keep some distance between us. Every now and again he would look at me. Sadness and guilt shone through his watery eyes. I wanted to comfort him. I knew it would be a bad idea, but I wanted to all the same. He lied to me. He had made me cry.

I shook my head, trying to clear the memory. A frustrated sigh escaped me. He had been in the wrong and yet I had wanted to comfort him. That seemed completely backwards. I glanced up from my musings to see that Skylar had almost completely descended the stairs, looking gorgeous as always. 

Skylar didn’t have to try and she could look good. Her makeup always appeared flawless and her hair? Don’t even get me started! It never seemed to go out of place. She could be caught in the middle of a tornado and her hair would just land right back where it had been. I often wondered if invisible fairies followed her around just to make sure her hair stayed perfect, because seriously, that’s the only explanation that made sense. Even clothes conformed to her to accent her shape, no matter what they were. She could wear nothing but dirty rags and have everyone looking at her with lust or jealousy. Not that she ever realized it though.

Me on the other hand, I had a style that I liked to call Classic. No I’m not talking Marilyn Monroe Classic. Classic as in never goes out of style. Jeans and a hoodie type of classic. I didn’t even own make up, and my hair? Ya my hair had a big personality of it’s own. I usually wore it up in a pony tail, my feeble attempt to try and tame it. To people who didn’t know us we must’ve looked like the most unlikely of friends. Skylar had a sweetness, though, an easy going personality, and a dark and twisty side that matched mine. Outside we were different, but inside we were two peas in a pod.

“Ok, what did you do?” I hadn’t even had a chance to open my mouth to say hi.

“I love your new hair!” I admired the rainbow of pastel colors that were mixed in with the platinum blonde.

“Thanks, but I saw that look. What did you do?” She repeated closing the car door.

“I had an interesting night last night.” I began. “Oh! And I have a hit out on a chicken.”

“Don’t try to… Wait… What?!?!?!” She looked at me with her eyes wide and mouth open. I think I could have said I had been abducted by aliens and grew a tail and she would’ve looked less shocked. 

“Ok you gotta explain that one,” she laughed shaking her head.

As I pulled out of her apartments I regaled her with the tale of last night’s chicken ambush.

“Then it just came up and pecked my car! The next thing I saw was its big fluffy chicken butt running back the same way it came. Seriously though, I think its ass was bigger than mine.”

Skylar giggled from the passenger seat.

“It took at least two blocks just for my brain to figure out what the hell happened. Then I started talking shit.”

“Wait, so you didn’t stop and check out your car or anything?”

“Nope. I was on my way to pick up a passenger. So there I was all alone, threatening to Kentucky fry his ass, hoping the universe relayed my message to him.”

Skylar gave me a look.

“He played chicken with my car.” I shrugged. “And he won! So I have a hit out on a chicken.” If I’m being honest saying it out loud made me feel like some sort of mob boss or something.

She just sat there shaking her head and laughing at me.

“Ok, we covered the chicken, now what else did you do?” She had that look on her face. I think we all know the look. The one that makes you feel like you just got caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

“Sooo…” I began slowly, staring at the road ahead, “Me and James talked face to face last night.”

“Uh-huh. And…” I could tell by the tone of her voice that she had crossed her arms.

“I don’t know. I guess we’re cool now. I mean all those stupid feelers came back but…” I sighed. I still hadn’t sorted out how I felt about the whole complicated situation. “I don’t know. I don’t trust him anymore. I mean, I do as a friend, but nothing more. I can’t. I won’t hurt like that again.”

I dared a look over at Skylar. She looked unconvinced. I shook my head. The storm of emotions going through me taking its toll. I felt like every emotional nerve had been exposed and rubbed raw. I wished for like the gazillionth time in my life that I could go numb and get a break. Then maybe I could figure out which path I should, or even wanted, to take.

“All I know is I value his friendship too much to throw it away for something that I should’ve known wasn’t real.”

Skylar dropped her hands with an exasperated sigh. “Ya but how were you supposed to? Friends don’t play with other friends’ emotions. They don’t lead them on or toy with them.”

As always she hit the nail on the head. She had just voiced one side of my internal debate. On one hand he had been there for me in so many ways when I had needed. I could always count on him. But on the other hand, you don’t do things that’ll purposefully hurt your friend either.

The speaker I had just pulled up to crackled to life. “Hi! I can take your order whenever you’re ready!” Saved by the barista.

Skylar and I pulled away from the coffee house after ordering our usuals. I took that first sip and let the coffee sooth the raging emotions and hug my soul. I almost moaned with pleasure as the caffeine hit my system.

“So… how was seeing him last night?” Either Skylar had sensed the emotional battle, or she had said what she felt I needed to hear. I didn’t care, I appreciated the change of approach. It got me out of my endless loop for a moment.

“Awkward. Really awkward. I don’t know how to act around him anymore.”

I could still feel his caress on my skin. His touch always so intimate, cutting off any rationality to my brain. His kiss always so full of passion and longing. Possessive. Even if I hadn’t been able to read emotions his kiss screamed them. He had lit a fire in me I thought had died somewhere in the first few years of my marriage. He had made me feel alive again.

“I just don’t know how I’m supposed to forget everything. I can’t find the switch to turn it all off and be just friends.”

“You know what you need?” 

“Either to get laid or become a nun.” I muttered frustrated.

“No, you need to find yourself a Capricorn.” She said matter of factly. As if it should’ve been the easiest and most obvious answer.

I looked over at her trying to find words.

“A Capricorn will rock your world in bed. If a Cap can’t do it no one can.” She continued.

I laughed and shook my head before reaching for another sip of my coffee.

“No what we need is to become pirates. Men are only good for two things anyways.”

Skylar c****d an eyebrow at me.

“Scrubbing the deck and as toys in bed.”

She let out a laugh. “So true!”

“And some can’t even figure that out.” I ranted. “But think about it. We could use our feminine wiles to commandeer ships until we work our way up to an aircraft carrier. Then we’d be pirates with mother f*****g fighter jets.”

I paused to grin at her.

“We’ll use the guys for the only things they are good for and if they can’t satisfy us then we’ll make them walk the plank or something.”

“I like this plan. Let’s do it!”

We spent the rest of the time driving around planning our pirate-y ways. She also filled me in on what had been happening in her love life. I tried to give her my honest opinion without letting the jadedness in me taint it. 

I pulled back in to Skylar’s and watched as she headed up to her apartment. Once she got to the door she tossed down a wave hollering, “Don’t forget, find yourself a Cap.”

“Aye Aye Cap!” I mock saluted out of my window.

She laughed as she disappeared through her door. 

Once I reached the exit of the complex I paused and lit a cigarette. The chemicals assaulted my taste buds as the smoke burned the path to my lungs. I hated the taste. I hated the smell. But damn if I didn’t love the feeling. I promised myself once again that one day I would find a way to quit again, but for now they weren’t just my enslaver. They were also my savior, being part of the “privileged” few that it actually did way more good than harm. Rare diseases are fun like that. Yes I’m being sarcastic.

As I blew out the smoke I took off. The song playing spoke on the dangers of love with an epic sounding dance beat behind it. The lyrics echoing the turmoil I felt. I turned up the volume and let the music wash over me. The night wind dancing through my hair felt like freedom. My heart beat in time with the rhythm. I changed gears to the beat. My car responded effortlessly, as if we were one. I loved this feeling. In moments like these I finally felt like me. In moments like this I felt free.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked into the night.

James pulled me into a hug as soon as I climbed into his car. I hadn’t been planning on seeing him yet. My first thought had been to flee when he pulled up next to me, but the pain in his eyes changed my mind. His arms felt safe and comforting as he held me. The world around began to fade as the familiar pull took over, both of us slightly tilting our heads so our lips were easily accessible. His hands loosened enough to start caressing my lower back. Mine followed suit and started rubbing his neck. 

The realization that this all had been nothing more than a lie crashed through the fog in my brain. I ended the hug and pushed myself against the door. I looked over at my car, giving me the moment I needed to swallow down the tears that had began to form. An awkwardness settled over the car. I wanted to ask him why, but the words stuck in my throat.

I sighed and glanced at the moon. “Any advice for me tonight?”

My phone lit up indicating I had a message. One glance down and the preview showed me what James had written.

Have a good night out there. Be safe.

I decided that once I got the chance I wouldn’t respond. I had to be strong. Not every text needed to be answered. But as I stopped at a light I found myself hitting the button for speech-to-text.

Thank you. Sweet Dreams

Yep, I was definitely hopeless. I looked back at the moon. “No Judgements.”

I sighed as I made my way to my usual area. I liked beginning my night in the same place. It gave me a sense of security. Of course that’s also how James had been able to find me the night before. I parked and hit the button to indicate that I could now accept rides. Let’s see what tonight had in store for me.