By the moon, I swear

AMBER

What I saw, was not close to what I expected. A normal person would have thrown a fit or yelled or screamed at the other or slept it off or go to a bar or watch movies. In extreme situations even a man would have cried. One would have done anything within that scope to get rid of their pain. Anything except what Tristan had done. He had gone far and beyond and the truth was I wasn’t sure I could reach room. He was mad at me, I get it. Even I was mad at me. I had hurt the one I love.

No sooner had I entered Tristan’s room that he pointed a gun nozzle at me. To be precise at my forehead. Even with his eyes closed, one could tell how furious he was. Jaw rigid, teeth clenched, mouth compressed to a tighter line and eyes squeezed shut as if he was afraid of opening them. As if what he was about to do next, was too ugly even for him to face.

With the cold metal firmly pressed at my forehead, I could swear I felt my body perpetrating. Beats of sweat forming drenching my skin, the ringing of my ears and the thumping of my heart against my chest. I could even hear my rapid breathing. I was so sure if one would have dropped even a needle at that point, I was so sure I could hear it. That was what scared me the most. The fact that my body, heart and soul stopped fighting. The fact that fear had eroded me to the core to an extent that my mind shut down on all the various possibilities I could escape the scenario and save myself; Instead I was taking note of my body one last time before I join the other side. I had accepted my fate.

Then I thought of the other side. Of how lonely it might be. Of how in my life I had attained an express ticket to hell because of my actions. I reflected on the many tribulations the world had put me through. Of how my life was never about living but survival. The suffering, tears, heartbreak. One by one my mind walked down the memory lane and for a moment it was okay. I had suffered enough. Letting go didn’t seem like a bad idea. As a matter of fact it was a golden opportunity to start again. Just for a moment.

My mind then drifted to the happy moments. With my sisters and how it would break my heart to leave them behind. How they needed me to fight for them. The pain they would go through for loosing me. I could even hear their scream in my head. ‘Amber please don’t leave us. Please.’ I could see with nowhere to go, their future destroyed. Life miserable. Could I truly take a chance on that and my soul rest in peace? I then thought of the people who recently came into my life and made it better. William, Gabriel, Amos, Nana and Tristan.

Tristan. I remember how we first met. How I thought him arrogant and ruthless like his brother. How he pushed me to overcome my fears. How gradually our love for each other blossomed into something beautiful. How no matter his faults I still loved him. He was plain gorgeous and each time I looked at him I felt my heart pound faster and faster. Tears ran down my cheeks as deep tortures sobs rocked my body. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give up on life. I couldn’t give up on my sisters, Gabriel or our love. I loved Tristan too much. The feeling might still be new to me but it’s something I intended to explore. I wanted to grow old with him. To face the hardships together. I wanted to help him get better. To help him become whole again.

Drawing deep breaths into my painful lungs, I called his name hoping to get his eyes open. ‘Tristan. Tristan.’ But he didn’t even flinch. A took a closer look at him that’s when I realized that he was in a trans. In a world of his own.

Ever since I became aware of his condition, I have been reading on it hoping to find an answer on how to cure him. One of the aspects mentioned was that the person suffering from the condition always gets caught in the different dimensions of their lives. They were almost like bi polar people only that they had no two personalities and in some instances were more dangerous. I could feel my legs twitch fighting the impulse to whirl around and sprint out of the room. If I wanted to get out of there alive, I had to come up with a better strategy.

As if on cue, William strode into the room. He walked slowly till where Tristan was trying to assess the situation without aggravating him more. I saw his face pale and break into a worried mode. That’s when I knew my assumptions were correct. Tristan might have had these relapses before but never as bad as the one before us. He looked at me then at his brother and in a much calmer voice he could master at that moment he also called his name out. ‘Tristan? …. Tristan?’ the bond between the two ran deep and where I could not reach him, William did. Tristan’s eyes snapped open. His eyes were diluted and he seemed to take note of his surrounding as if looking for William. He could not even see his brother who was right in front of him. Clutching to the gun tighter, he closed his eyes again.

William slowly walked out of the room ignoring the protests that I mouthed. I closed my eyes for a while praying for a miracle. Surely God would not let my life end in such a tragedy. I’m not sure how many minutes passed by but I felt the gun leave my forehead. Relief washed over me and I quickly mouthed a thank you to the Almighty. If a doubted the power of prayer before, at that moment all my doubts were erased. I don’t know what happened and I sincerely didn’t give a damn at the moment. All that mattered was that Tristan came to his senses.

I slowly opened my eyes only for the grim in my face to be wiped out by the horror that faced me. What I thought was a narrow escape actually turned out to be more complicated. The prayers might have saved me and I no longer faced death in the eye but of what use was it if the love of my heart took my place instead? Wasn’t it worse? How would I live day by day knowing that he died right in front of me and there was nothing that I was able to do to prevent it?

The gun was now in Tristan’s mouth. I felt every cell in my body turn into stone. I couldn’t lose him but I couldn’t reach him either. I could very well leave and go get William but what if it was too late by then? What if the moment I stepped out he would blow his head out? Could I leave with that? I felt glued to the floor my mind ramming through all possibilities in my head. I must say love works wonders. I had never been good in math but at that moment all angle calculations and variables came easy to me as drinking water only that none seemed to help in my cause. I had to try again. To try and reach him. ‘Tristan please don’t,’ I murmured but my words seemed to have no effects on him. He just stood there without moving even flinching. My mind went back to its calculations. I couldn’t reach him so the only way would be to get the gun away from him. But how?

I was so consumed in my thoughts that I failed to take note of what was happening right under my nose. Tristan had moved. I only became aware of his actions when I had the gun click. My eyes quickly snapped back into reality just in time as he was unhooking the gun ready to fire.

The fear I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt at that moment. I could literally feel death lurking closer to him at that moment. I had no time to think or come up with a strategy. It was either act then or let him go. For someone who had the courage to kill her father I sure felt like a coward at that moment. I took a shuddering breath trying to calm my sobs as I blurted out in a pleading voice, ‘I promise I will do whatever you want Tristan but please. Please I beg you don’t do this.’

William walked back in with a needle on his shaky hand. The sight before him took him a back but he quickly walked towards Tristan ready to inject him when Tristan fought back. The gun thank God falling onto the ground. I watched the two fight and though I wouldn’t want Tristan hurt at that point I wouldn’t mind him beaten up. He needed to come back to reality and if that’s what it took then so be it.

Tristan was stronger than William and he seemed to counter each blow William threw. Blood sputtered on the floor but still William tried to hold his own end. I quickly ran for the gun, throwing it out of the room afraid of what Tristan might do if he got hold of it. When my eyes turned back to them. They were on the floor Tristan’s large hand closed around his brother’s neck. I quickly rushed over there trying to get Tristan off William when I felt a blow so hard that I spun around and fell on the floor next to them. I always prided in him not hurting me no matter which state he was in but I guess that line had been erased at that point.

When I came to, Tristan was still squeezing tightly and William started struggling to breathe, coughing desperately. My eyes then darted across them where I spotted the needle. I quickly jumped for it and slammed it on his back. It took a few seconds before thankfully, he was completely knocked out.

Twenty minutes later

I threw just a few clothes in my suitcase not bothering to even fold them. I had to get out of that house. I couldn’t stay a minute longer. I felt as if I was suffocating. The picture of me dying, Tristan dying and William following the same root had me scared to my core. What if I had lost my life? What if I wasn’t in time and Tristan killed his brother? But what if Tristan died on me today? All that led to that vicious even was some stupid jealousy. I hurt his feelings and he took it out the only way he knew how. I don’t know who Linda is but without a doubt I’m sure she damaged him completely and me staying here would only cause more damage. Wait what if Linda is who he needs to heal? If the love between them is that strong to break him then she is the only one who can help him pool through. I knew I might lose him but it was not a time to be selfish. Tristan needed to be well and I am not the one meant to pull him back to the light. I looked back at my room one more time, before I sighed and left for Tristan’s room to see him just one more time before I vanish.

William was at the couch by his bedside watching him sleep. Ever since I’ve known him, he had been nothing but strong but the events of today had him all shattered. I couldn’t blame him. Tristan was his only blood remaining alive and he would do anything to help him live. I walked over to the bad and had a good look at Tristan. Mastering his features. He looked so peaceful and I prayed with all my heart that his life also became so. Wiping the lone tear from my puffy eye, I leaned down and pressed a kiss on his forehead before walking out of the room with William right behind me.

‘I have to say good bye. You ….you have been,’ I said trying to contain my sobs when we were finally out of the room. Trying to find a way to make it easier. Lord are goodbyes ever easy? If anyone would have told me in the beginning that William and I would eventually become friends I would have laughed on their face. But it did happen. We became friends and learnt to lean on one another when it came to Tristan. William’s greatest virtue was loyalty. Once you got under his skin he would do everything right by you. I admired that about him.

‘Please don’t leave,’ he pleaded.

‘I have to. What happened today….,’ I broke into tears again and he took the words right out of my mouth.

‘What happened today scared you but please you have to be strong and stay,’ he took a deep sigh before he continued, ‘Stay for Tristan. For the love you fell for him. Please don’t leave him now.’

‘I have to William. It’s the only way. I …. I can’t hurt him again. What if…. What if next time…he …pulls through with it? I can’t lose him. Please let me go.’

‘No,’ William responded in a curt voice dragging me back into Tristan’s room. ‘Have a good look at him and tell me he will be okay without you. You might be scared of what he might do to himself but have you ever wondered what he is feeling? Each time he gets lost and comes back without even the slightest reflection on what he had done. Do you think it’s easy for him?’

I just stared at Tristan unable to defend myself. I guess I had never really thought of how hard this whole situation was on him.

‘He needs you Amber. Don’t let go. You are only scared because of a one event, imagine him always scared of what he might do next and worse of all he doesn’t know when or how bad he might hurt someone else. He doesn’t even have control of his own mind for Christ’s sake.’

‘I won’t go I promise.’

We stood in silence watching over him. Each of us wishing we could do more. Wishing we could take the cup away from him.